When a preteen son courageously expressed his wish to live with his father, his mom was overwhelmed with emotions, doubting her role and abilities as a mother.
What followed was a journey through the challenges of co-parenting, understanding how our brains resist change, and recognizing our negative biases. These insights are ones I am excited to share with you.
In this honest conversation, I explore the emotional turmoil that comes with a child's decision to change their living arrangements. I highlight a mother's personal experience that taught her the importance of questioning our initial reactions and focusing on emotional well-being while respecting a child's growing independence.
We also discuss the fine line between respecting our children's choices and the natural instinct to protect them. Recognizing that our protective instincts may not always suit the current situation, this episode offers guidance on how to communicate with empathy—both towards yourself and your preteen.
Join me, Esther Mbabazi, as we delve into how fostering resilience, self-awareness, and emotional regulation can strengthen your bond with your child during these crucial preteen years.
This discussion is about personal growth as much as it is about navigating the complexities of modern co-parenting.
When a preteen son courageously expressed his wish to live with his father, his mom was overwhelmed with emotions, doubting her role and abilities as a mother.
What followed was a journey through the challenges of co-parenting, understanding how our brains resist change, and recognizing our negative biases. These insights are ones I am excited to share with you.
In this honest conversation, I explore the emotional turmoil that comes with a child's decision to change their living arrangements. I highlight a mother's personal experience that taught her the importance of questioning our initial reactions and focusing on emotional well-being while respecting a child's growing independence.
We also discuss the fine line between respecting our children's choices and the natural instinct to protect them. Recognizing that our protective instincts may not always suit the current situation, this episode offers guidance on how to communicate with empathy—both towards yourself and your preteen.
Join me, Esther Mbabazi, as we delve into how fostering resilience, self-awareness, and emotional regulation can strengthen your bond with your child during these crucial preteen years.
This discussion is about personal growth as much as it is about navigating the complexities of modern co-parenting.
3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.
https://masteryourownwellbeing.com/3steps
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.
Speaker 2:
Hello there, mom, good morning, good evening, good afternoon from wherever you are listening from. Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 19. My name is Estam Babazi and I am the host of this podcast. Before I begin, I just want to state that I am not a psychologist, I'm not a psychiatrist or any other licensed mental health worker. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what is working for me in my life, what has worked for me in my life, what has helped me improve my mental, physical and emotional well-being as a mother, as a woman, as your next door sister, whatever.
Speaker 2:
This podcast is just for information purposes only. In today's episode, we are going to talk about something that is quite familiar, something that happens a lot many times, and this is I worked with someone some time back on this particular situation. In this situation, the mom and the dad no longer live together, so they are navigating, co-parenting, emotions run high, tensions flare and their child is caught in the middle of all this. This story begins with the mother who thinks that her ex-partner, the father of the child, has made her life difficult ever since they parted ways and, out of the blue, their son, the pretty son asks to go and live with his father. So this sent the mom into a spiral. The mom interpreted this as a betrayal, her turn choosing to go to live with her dad. The mother could not even stomach it. She could not even bring her brain to understand. Why is this happening? And if you are new to this podcast, on this podcast we look at motherhood challenges from the lens of the brain. We use brain-based methods to see what is going on here. So in this instance, the mother's brain, the mother's protective brain, took the child's decision to go live with his dad as an attack or a threat to the maternal instinct or instincts. So anyway, the mom.
Speaker 2:
We made it very clear. First of all, we made it very clear that I asked the mom why she's so concerned. Is there any form of abuse that she's scared of that might happen when the child is with the dad? And she said no. She said there is no danger to this child living there. But she just does not understand why, after all everything that has happened between them, this child wants to go live with his dad. And you and I both understand that the issues between these parents have nothing to do with the child. He's just a child doing what children do innocently. He's just choosing to go live with his dad. So why does the mother feel this way?
Speaker 2:
Our brains are wired to seek out the negative, especially in situations our brains perceive as threats. Especially in situations our brains perceive as threats, circumstances beyond our control can trigger emotions leading to pain and distress. In earlier episodes I have talked about how the way we look at things, how the way we look at circumstances leads us to feel a certain way, and how we feel fuels or leads us to do certain things or not do certain things. And in this particular case, the circumstance is the child. Asking the mom to go live with the dad is something that is totally outside of the control of the mom, outside of the control of the mom. And the way the mom looks at that, the way the mom interprets the child's asking to go live with her dad, is leading the mom to feel a certain way. The mom thinks that she is failing her son, since the son wants to go live with the man that the mother says has made her life difficult. So the mom felt disappointed and when she felt disappointed she tried to talk the son out of going to live with their father. She said she spent many nights awake wondering where she went wrong. She spent many nights awake wondering where she went wrong. She's doubting her parenting abilities, or she doubted her parenting abilities. She called herself names. She was a failure as a mother, I don't know. She could not figure things out. She was not being present in her son's life and she wasn't even being present in her own life because this thing was consuming her. So if there is one thing that I have learned in doing this work, it is not believing everything my brain says. So if you can take away one thing from this work that I'm doing, one thing from this podcast, I want you to take away one thing you do not have to believe everything your brain brings up, everything your brain tells you.
Speaker 2:
Now it is understandable that the mother's protective brain perceives the son's asking to go live with his dad as a threat, because the mother has all these memories and all these stories about how this man is making her life difficult. So the mother is coming from that. The mother is not able, because she's living in that space. She's not able to see anything else. All she sees is the bad memories, how he's making her life difficult. How can her child go to live with him? It's like the child is deciding or is on the side of the dad, da-da-da-da-da, like all these things that our brain makes up.
Speaker 2:
And one thing I want to make clear is change is scary. Our brain does not like change. It resists change. Our brain clings to safety of the familiar things. So the son choosing to go live with the dad is a very scary thing for the mom Because there, when the child is living at the dad's, the mom has no control over what is going on there. The mom does not know what is going on there and just this part freaks her out. It's like she's losing control. Everything is new. I don't know what's going on at dad's house. Every time I walk by my son's room and I look at the empty room, feel my intestines were. This is what she said. She felt like her intestines were pulled out and it is a reminder of the shifting dynamics. It is the reminder of her son choosing to side with her father, since the son chose to live with his dad.
Speaker 2:
And this is where I bring in the part where we don't have to believe everything the brain tells us. So for me, I like to look at it this way. What if this is not true? What if my brain, or, in this case, what if the mom's brain, telling her that she's a failure because the son is choosing to live with the dad? Like she went wrong somewhere, she's not a good parent, she's not a good mom, all these things? What if all those things are not true? What if there is another way to look at the situation? What if the son's decision to live with his father is not rejection, as the mom thinks, but rather an opportunity for deeper connection with his dad? What if the son is seeking to understand his father better, to create a connection that rises above the challenges of the parent of separation? What if? Because, when we live in, what if?
Speaker 2:
I talked about a previous episode, I think, where I talked about living in the question when you ask yourself a question, you tell your brain to find answers for you. So this is a perfect example. What if nothing has gone wrong? What if everything is okay over there? What if this child just wants to be close to his dad? What if this is just a natural thing? Nothing has gone wrong, the parent separating, and all this has nothing to do with this child, the mom thinking that the father is giving her a difficult time, it it has nothing to do with the child. The child just wants to have a relationship with his father. What if that is okay? What if that is allowed? And if you are in a situation like this, treat yourself with kindness. For thinking that something is going to go wrong, for thinking that you have failed, for thinking that I don't know your child is siding with his father or his mom. Even Treat yourself with kindness.
Speaker 2:
Take care of that part of you that thinks that, because, as human beings, we want to know that our children are okay. We want them to have the best. We want to think that we know what is best for them. Your protective brain is just doing its job. Your protective brain is just trying to protect you and your son from what it perceives as a threat. To protect you and your son from what it perceives as a threat.
Speaker 2:
Like I said, this mom had all these memories of this man making her life difficult, and this is where she's coming from. She thinks that since this man made her life difficult, maybe he's going to do the same to the son. She thinks that since this man made her life difficult. Her son, their son, should not be going to live with the father, with him, the man who made her life difficult. This mom interpreted this as her son taking sides. So take care of that part of you that thinks that. And the way we do that is by calming our brain down, because our protective brain does not know the difference of you and me being chased by a lion. It does not know the difference between an animal that wants to eat you or a neighboring tribe that wants to attack you. It does not know that. It is our job to gently tell, inform the primitive brain, the protective brain, that I know you think we are in danger, but we are not physically in danger or threatened. But we are not physically in danger or threatened.
Speaker 2:
My son is going over there to his father. That is his dad. He will not be threatened, he will not be harmed. Him and I have our history. Yes, but the son has got a right to go live with him. He wants to do this. It is okay, he can do this.
Speaker 2:
A preteen 11-year-old, 12-year-old son, boy, is in a position to say, to determine whether they want to live somewhere or not. So if they go over there to dad's and they don't like it there. I think they're in a better position to say that I have been, I lived there, I don't want to live there anymore. They are in a better position to say that because they have already shown that they can ask to go live in another place. They can ask to go live with their dad. So they are in a better position to say that I have lived there. Now I want to come back. We just have to calm your brain down that this is fine, this is okay. He just wants to have a relationship with his father. This has nothing to do with me. I know it feels like that, but it is not true.
Speaker 2:
Brain, like these kinds of conversations. You have to talk to yourself calmly and gently, because this part of the brain is doing its job. It is you that helps it discern between to discern whether whatever the brain is perceiving as a threat is a threat, a real threat or not. And we have established because I asked the mom do you think something's going to happen when he goes to visit? And she said no, she didn't think the son was in danger, she didn't think that there was no sign to show that. So we have established that the child will be safe over there. It is just the mother's protective brain is getting in the way. So when you understand that and you calm your brain down, your protective brain down, and you nurture like I like to say, I like to call it nurturing like you nurture that part of you that is scared that your child is going over to live there, you take care of it. You don't just push it out, because if you push it away it will not go, it will resist and it will compound and it will become something bigger before you know it. It is controlling you. You just have to let yourself be scared but calm that part of the brain down. You don rubbish it, you don't ignore it. You take care of that part of you that is scared.
Speaker 2:
This is I'm like using my examples, and I have not been in this particular situation, but there are other circumstances I have been in where I tell my brain that my son or my, my, my daughter, I have two, a girl and a boy. I like to tell my brain that my children, depending on whatever situation I'm in, my son in this case, is his own person. He has his own brain, he has his own thought processes and emotions and sometimes he makes decisions I do not agree with, and it is okay because he is his own person. In this case, this son is trying to find meaning in life, the same way that the mother is doing, the same way the father is doing. Because as parents parents, as mothers we have all these ideas of how our children should be, how our children should live, how they should behave, what they should do, how they should answer to us, how, whatever. We have all these ideas in our heads and when our children start to become their own people like in this case and start to make their own decisions, then it feels like somebody's pulling our intestines out. We don't know. All of a sudden we lose our footing and we don't know what is going on. But it is okay. Our children, they are their own people, they are their own small human beings with their own brains and they are going to make decisions we do not agree with. And it is okay. It is okay to grieve that version of the child that you thought you had, because now, in a case like this, it is clear as night and day that the mom had other ideas. The mom wanted the son to live with her all the time because this man, the father, has made the mother's life difficult. So she thought that since this man has made her life difficult, then her son cannot go over there and live there. The son has to live with her. These are all just ideas that the mother's brain made up and they are not true.
Speaker 2:
Another reason why I like to calm my brain down and speak to my brain is our brain. If you have not noticed, our human brain likes to be true, it likes to be right, it likes to stick to what it knows. Because, I said it earlier, change is very daunting, change is very unnerving. The brain does not like change. I think you have seen people who, despite the fact that you show them the facts or the facts out there, they will argue against. They argue for what they call limitations, they will argue for what they think they know. That is because that is because that is how the brain is. People will argue and hold on to what they believe in. That is all the brain doing that. So we calm our brain down and I like to tell my brain brain, I was wrong and it is okay. I was wrong and it is fine. In In this case I was wrong. I thought my son had to live with me, since his dad made my life difficult. But I now realize I was wrong. My child can make their own decisions, like they have just shown me, that they want to go live over there, and it is okay and it is fine.
Speaker 2:
Take care of that part of you that is resisting, that is creating all this brain drama for you. Acknowledge it. But you show the brain the way you acknowledge whatever the brain is bringing up to you. Yes, brain, I hear what you're saying. But it is okay, he can go live there. It is fine, that is his father. He can go live there. It is fine that it's his father.
Speaker 2:
When you treat yourself with compassion, treat that part of you with compassion and understanding. You will not go into micromanaging mode as a mother. You will not go into control mode. But when you do not acknowledge that part of you that thinks that something terrible has happened because the child wants to live there, you are going to become controlling. Because you are trying to stop your son from going there, you are going to try to do all the things that are not going to be very helpful, that are going to add stress to the already stressful situation. But when you treat yourself with kindness and compassion and you speak to yourself in a compassionate way and you acknowledge what the brain is doing, then you tell the brain but it is okay, it is fine, nothing has gone wrong, it is okay, my son is in a position to tell me whether he doesn't want to live there. All those things you will understand. This is what is so interesting, intriguing with this work. When we treat ourselves with that understanding, then it opens up like this new found I don't know freedom understanding this newfound freedom of understanding of what other people are going through. You will now understand why your son wants to go live over there. You will now understand why you think the way you think and why your son thinks the way he thinks.
Speaker 2:
Because when you do not do that and you become controlling, chances are I have seen people, I have worked with people Chances are your son is going to withdraw and become rebellious. He's going to have feelings of anger and bitterness and this is going to create long-term resentment because your child does not feel respected. Hunger and bitterness and this is going to create long-term resentment Because your child does not feel respected. He feels like his agency, his inborn agency and wishes are not respected. And when we think about this, you and I none of us want to feel like they are being controlled. We all want to feel that the people will dearest to us, the people near us, the people we live with. We want to feel like they hear what we are saying. We want to feel respected. Then we will hear what they have to say to us. This is why it is very important. This is why I because this is like a side note people ask me that why do you work with the moms and not the children? And I say there are plenty of programs there that work with the children.
Speaker 2:
For me, from my own experience me working on myself, improving my emotional wellbeing helped me understand where my children are coming from when they do things, when they don't do things, where they think, when they don't think. Because I understand that the same way I fail, the same way I struggle, the same way I go through challenges, it's the same way they struggle, they experience things. We are all human beings trying to figure out this beautiful thing called life. That is why I work with moms and not children. Let me repeat this is very important.
Speaker 2:
When your child does something like this, asks God to live, asks to go live with their father, and you think it is unfair because of the previous history between you and the dad, it is totally understandable. You're just human. You're just human. Your brain is just looking out for you. Your brain is just looking out for your child. But your brain does not know the difference between a child going to live with his dad know the difference between a child going to live with his dad after you had a fight or after your difficult time together the brain does not understand that and being eaten, being chased by a lion, being attacked by the neighboring tribe, eating a poisonous plant. The brain does not know the difference.
Speaker 2:
It is our job because the world has developed and the brain has it. The world moved ahead, the universe moved ahead. We no longer have the same dangers that our ancestors had millennia ago, billions, millions of years ago. The brain does not know that. So it is our job to gently guide the brain. That is why I insist on treating that part of you that is scared and angry with compassion, because when you do that, then the brain will go back to sleep, like one of my teachers says it will go back to sleep. The brain will go back to sleep and you will be able to lead with your thinking brain will be able to lead with your thinking brain, like in this case the mom calms herself down, that part of her treats it with kindness but tells the brain.
Speaker 2:
But we are not doing that. But we are not refusing him to go live over there because I have established it is safe. I know you're scared brain, but it is okay. He is going to live there. That is his dad. He wants to do that. He can do that. He's allowed to do that. It is fine. Then you will understand why he wants to go there because you're treating. He has the same brain as you. Like.
Speaker 2:
Children have the same brains, the way we have brains. They have the protective brain and the higher thinking brain that is developing In them. It's not yet developed, it is developing, but they think the way we think. Only that our brains are fully developed and theirs are still developing. But they have the same challenges that you have.
Speaker 2:
I'm telling you this work is life-changing. You will feel your heart expand, but you have to first treat yourself the same way you want to treat other people or you want other people to treat you. This is if we do not do this work, if we do not take time to nurture ourselves and understand what is going on in our brains. This is why we end up in situations we do not want to end up in, and this is not to blame. But we don't know these things, like they do not teach us these things in school. I don't know. I went to school for I don't know. I thought of I don't know many years, but like I never learned these things, I never learned how influential our brain is on how the way our lives are shaped. I just learned it three years ago, three, four years ago, four years ago, and it is life changing.
Speaker 2:
You may be angry and all these things at your ex-partner, ex-husband yes, but it has nothing to do with your child, unless there's abuse going on there. If there's no abuse going on there, your brain is just trying to protect you. It's just doing its job. And the brain does not know the difference. It thinks that, oh my God, that man made my life difficult. My son can't go live there. He's going to make his life difficult.
Speaker 2:
But we don't know that and we have established that this is a child who is able to speak up and state his wishes. This child spoke up that he wants to go live there. So we trust the process that he will be able to speak up when that time comes, when he no longer wants to live there. If he no longer wants to live there, he will be able to speak up when that time comes, when he no longer wants to live there, if he no longer wants to live there, he will speak up. We just have to trust.
Speaker 2:
But trying to control him, talking him out of going there, makes his desire stronger, to go there even stronger, and it puts the mom in a certain light, because the mom is working overtime to get him out of going there. This is where this child perceives the mother. All of a sudden, the child thinks I understand, I think my mother is the problem. He won't let me go live with my dad. This is how problems start. Thank you so much for listening. Have a nice day everyone. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.
