How do you break the cycle of yelling at your kids when you've grown up in an environment filled with raised voices? Join me, as I share my personal journey with the emotional challenges of motherhood.
Despite vowing never to yell at my children, I found myself repeating the same behavior when my kids started asserting their independence. I share the frustration and helplessness I experienced and how the realization that my reactions were driven by my thoughts, not my children's actions, became a crucial turning point.
Ever wondered how your own well-being can transform your parenting? In this episode, I explain the profound impact of focusing on internal issues to create a calmer, more present relationship with our children.
Through my experience as a disciplined, self-controlled individual, I saw firsthand the positive changes in my kids when I began managing my temper.
I also highlight the long-term effects of unresolved emotional struggles and stress the importance of making conscious decisions for the sake of our children's future relationships and emotional health.
Listen in to discover how our reactions shape our children’s perceptions and the importance of fostering a safe environment for open communication.
How do you break the cycle of yelling at your kids when you've grown up in an environment filled with raised voices? Join me, as I share my personal journey with the emotional challenges of motherhood.
Despite vowing never to yell at my children, I found myself repeating the same behavior when my kids started asserting their independence. I share the frustration and helplessness I experienced and how the realization that my reactions were driven by my thoughts, not my children's actions, became a crucial turning point.
Ever wondered how your own well-being can transform your parenting? In this episode, I explain the profound impact of focusing on internal issues to create a calmer, more present relationship with our children.
Through my experience as a disciplined, self-controlled individual, I saw firsthand the positive changes in my kids when I began managing my temper.
I also highlight the long-term effects of unresolved emotional struggles and stress the importance of making conscious decisions for the sake of our children's future relationships and emotional health.
Listen in to discover how our reactions shape our children’s perceptions and the importance of fostering a safe environment for open communication.
3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.
https://masteryourownwellbeing.com/3steps
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.
Speaker 2:
Hello there, friends, welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 20. Before I begin, I just want to state a small disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist or any other licensed mental health worker. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what is working for me in my life, what is helping me improve my emotional, physical and mental well-being, and what is helping me improve my life as a mom, as a friend, as your next-door neighbor, as a woman. In today's episode, I just want to share my story. Just want to share my story Around.
Speaker 2:
Maybe eight weeks ago, maybe six weeks ago, I spoke on an online parenting summit it was both parenting and family summit and they asked me to share my story and it occurred to me that I had never shared my story on the podcast. So that is what I am doing today. So my name my name is Esther Mbawazi. I have two kids, I'm married and I work with moms who are very successful in their careers, in their jobs, in their businesses, and they yell at their children, they yell at their preteens. They want to stop yelling so their preteens feel safe enough to come to them and not fearful of their reactions.
Speaker 2:
I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling and raised voices, not only my home, but in the surrounding, like in my society and neighborhoods. My culture, like this yelling thing, was and is very rampant even today, and I remember as a child how awful I felt when somebody yelled at me, when my mother yelled at me. And I just want to state that I am not here to blame my mom, nothing like that, and I hope she never listens to this podcast. So I am here just to tell my story, my perspective of how it was when I was growing up. That's what I'm doing. I'm not here to blame and like no, I'm not here to do that. So as a child, there was a lot of yelling and I felt awful when I was yelled at. When I was yelled at, I had to gauge my mom's mood, if I can say mood. I was on constant gauging of my mother's mood and to see if she was approachable or not.
Speaker 2:
And in my head, my little brain, I made a promise to myself that if and when I had kids of my own, I would my two gorgeous, beautiful children. And everything went okay in the start. I love babies, I can have babies. I like babies and everything was smooth until they started asserting From now I know that they were asserting their independence. I know that now, until they started asserting their natural, innate, god-given independence, I felt like I was losing it. I felt like if they were behaving the way they were talking back to me because, where I came from, nobody was interested in your opinion as a child. Like in our society, nobody is interested or was interested in your opinion. We were seen but we were not heard. So I carried this with me and I unconsciously thought this is how things were supposed to be.
Speaker 2:
So when my children started growing and getting into these natural phases, I found it very hard to deal with. I did not know that there were any parenting classes to be taken. I had never heard of pre-parenting classes. Like I did not know that you can go and have parenting classes before you decide to have children. I didn't know it was a thing. And apparently it is a thing. It is a big thing. People do that and I'm not here to blame. I'm not saying that people who do not yell have taken parenting classes. No, I know a lot of people who have never taken parenting classes and they don't yell at their kids. They don't.
Speaker 2:
So I found myself in a situation where I could sometimes see myself yelling, even when I did not want to yell, yelling even when I did not want to yell. I used to go to bed promising myself to do better the next day, and I would wake up very careful not to yell, not to feel triggered, and before I knew what was happening, I was already yelling. It was like an out-of-body experience. I could see myself standing outside my own body and I could see myself yelling. And I don't know about you, but it is very frustrating when you know you have a problem but you don't know how to solve it, when you see you have a problem but you do not know how to get out of that problem. My experience actually helped me somehow understand addicts people who are addicted to drinking, for example. I have heard many of them say that they don't want to desire the alcohol, but they desire the alcohol. They want to be in a space where they don't desire the alcohol, but they don't know how to do that. So what's happening? They have this desire and they keep drinking and they don't want that. So I felt like that. So this led me to self-development.
Speaker 2:
I was an avid reader. I was already reading autobiographies of other people and because I was looking for a solution to stop this problem, I started reading self-development books and I read a lot of books, a lot, and self-development helped me understand that between me and my kids' behavior, or lack of it, there was a space there. It helped me understand that my kids' behavior was not directly affecting me until I had a thought about their behavior or lack of behavior. About their behavior or lack of behavior. Self-development helped me understand that I am my own person. External factors cannot really affect me unless I'm thinking about them a certain way. That I understood from self-development. But I did not find a book, and I'm not saying it is not there, no, I'm just saying I did not find a book that helped me break that down. Like, okay, I understand my kids' behavior is outside of me, but how do I remain in my own self, how do I remain, for lack of better statement, self-contained and not spill over into their world? Like I did not find a book to help me understand that, but I kept reading. At least I understood that I had power over myself, over my choices, over my reactions. I understood that, but I did not know how to put that in action.
Speaker 2:
So I was attending, I was taking another course, an online course taught by an amazing, wonderful lady, and she told us this was in the beginning of COVID, when the world was shutting down, when everybody was being sent home. This was that time. So I was reading sorry, I was in that course, I was taking a course for something totally different and the facilitator, the owner of this course, mentioned that COVID may be happening outside there, but she has control over what is going on inside of her. She has control over how she responds to the COVID situation. And I was like what? What did she just say Because it rhymed with what I had been reading in self-development that things can be happening outside there, my children's behavior can be happening outside there, but I still have agency and control over how I show up despite that behavior or, in this case, this lady said despite COVID. So she said coaching helps her do that. She said coaching helps her manage her mind and not be affected by what COVID is doing outside there. And and I was like I need this. So she continued to share how she gets coaching every week she has a personal coach and how she gets coaching every week from her personal coach and this is what is helping her, and this person is very successful, like it is managing her mind to be dragged into things that are outside of her, and the way she's able to do that is through coaching.
Speaker 2:
I was intrigued. I was fascinated. I needed to find out more about this, so I wrote her an email, because I was already in her program. I wrote her an email inquiring more about what she said and she gave me the name of the person that is helping her and she told me where that person that is helping her was certified as a coach. So what I did was I went and I enrolled in the other person's program and I started getting coaching services weekly two weekly coaching services and I started to see changes.
Speaker 2:
Around session three or four I started to see changes already in my life. Things started to make meaning. I started to see how I was letting my kids' behavior affect me. I started to see why I was responding with yelling when my kids were doing what or not doing what I had asked them to do or not do. Everything started falling in place. It was like you know, when you are solving a puzzle and you have all the pieces on the table but there's a piece that you can't find. You let it lie there and then, out of the blue, you find the piece and all the other pieces just fall in place. It was my experience was like that. So, within maybe a month two of me being coached I decided that this is what I wanted to do, because I could already see the good that was happening in my life, because I know that there are many moms out there who are like me, who are suffering Because for those of you who are not yellers, for those of you who do not yell under stress you don't understand For us who yell, there is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt that come with that.
Speaker 2:
We feel like we are not enough. We feel like there's a problem with us. Why can't we get this together? Why are we not like the other mom? Why do we keep losing our cool, our temper? We know, we understand that our kids are kids. We understand that, but we just can't stop this yelling cycle. It's like a spin cycle. We just can't stop the spin cycle, even though we want to.
Speaker 2:
So I decided that I was going to help other mothers who are experiencing the same. Like we, are very good people, we are in control of ourselves. I was in control of myself. Like I, I am a disciplined person. Like I, I do my things. I feel in control. I'll see myself as a normal human being. But there was this part of the yelling that I could not understand where it was coming from and how I could break out of it. So I decided because I know there are other moms suffering like me I decided I was going to help them because of the transformation, because of the changes I saw in my own life. Here's the thing like when you learn to go in your own, in inside, and solve things from the inside other than the outside, my kids behavior changed. I'm not even joking, I don't even know how that happens, but when I worked on myself, when I improved my own well-being, it spilled into my kids' lives. They, quote-unquote, changed. I don't know, don't even ask me how that happens, but I think our behavior rubs off people. Like when you yell, they yell.
Speaker 2:
And another thing that this work really taught me is when your children are being chaotic and maybe they are behaving in I don't know in an annoying way and you react to their behavior in an annoying way. You yell at them for what they are doing. Who not doing? Your kids do not see their behavior. All they see is you acting crazy. All they see is a mother who is crazy my mother. I think you have heard kids say that my mother is crazy. My mother acts like she's crazy.
Speaker 2:
It is because when we react to their behavior with yelling and being aggressive, they don't see themselves. They see us. They see our own behavior. They don't see themselves. They see us. They see our own behavior. They don't see themselves.
Speaker 2:
And I cannot tell you how many times my kids have come to me and said I'm sorry, I don't know what happened there, I'm sorry, I did this, I behaved whatever it is that happens. I don't know how, I don't know what happened to me. I didn't mean to do that. It's because I'm able to remain calm now and just watch. Sometimes I'm cooking on the inside. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I'm cooking on the inside, but I no longer react to situations with yelling and anger and frustrations and I don't do that anymore. I learned this skill of containing myself. I learned that skill and they are able to see themselves now when they do something that is maybe outrageous because they're like I don't know what happened. I'm sorry, I don't know what, I don't know. I didn't mean to do that, but in the past, because I was adding fuel to their fire, they could not see what they were doing. So I work with moms who want to stop or at least reduce healing to create a safe environment so their kids can come to them without fear of their reaction. And I'm just going to be honest. Another thing that really got me going on to try to remove this, to try to stop yelling, was I did not want them to feel the pain that I felt growing up. I did not want them to feel the pain that I felt growing up. And when I started yelling at them, I could see the sadness in their eyes and I sometimes joke that I am putting away money for them to go to therapy when they are older, because I messed them up.
Speaker 2:
And my education is in oncology. I am an oncology nurse and I have had my share of working with people and families, people who are dying and their families, both young and old. I have seen it all. Look, I have not seen babies, because I don't work with babies, I work with adults and I have seen it all. Okay, I have not seen babies because I don't work with babies. I work with adults and I have seen it all Old people who are dying, middle-aged people who are dying, younger people who are dying. And what I learned through my work as an oncology nurse is if we do not work actively, if we do not make conscious choices to work on issues or challenges we are facing, they don't go away. They don't go away.
Speaker 2:
I have seen children who refuse to come and say their goodbyes to their parents. I have seen many of those and we are talking about grown children because of things that happened in the childhood. I have seen siblings, older siblings, mature siblings who refuse to come and make their peace with their dying sibling because of the way they treated them when they were younger. When you listen to them, these things started a long time ago. I have seen people who have had issues for 60 years like they started when they were way young. I have seen children who are estranged from their parents and their problems started in childhood how they brought them up, how they yelled at them, how they were mean to them, how I have seen it all and that also added the fuel to my improving my well-being, not being identified as the person who only yells to get their way. I just wanted to become a better version of me. I just wanted to create an environment where my kids could come to me without fear of my would-be reaction. And I did this because I did not want to repeat, even though I had started repeating the same patterns, because I didn't have the tools and I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 2:
And because of the way that our brain is designed. The human brain is designed in the brain is both the student and the teacher. You are the same person and you're supposed to supervise the other. That is how our brain is made up. That is why, teacher, you are the same person and you're supposed to supervise the other. That is how our brain is made up. That is why it is very hard for us to break habits. That is why we find ourselves doing things that we don't want to do. It is because of the way the human brain is designed. It is not your fault, it is not anybody's fault. That is just how we are as human beings. That is how our brains were designed.
Speaker 2:
So when I learned these tools, when I saw the difference in my life and I'm not even lying the difference in my life is like day and night. So that is why I help other moms who are tired of feeling like there's something wrong with them, who are tired of feeling ashamed. I know some people who do not even take their kids out because they are so scared of how their kids will behave when they're outside there and how the mothers will behave on top of their kids' behavior. So if you are that person, I just want you to know that I have a resource, a unique method where we approach the brain, because you have tried counting up to 10, counting backwards from to 10. You have tried walking away. You have tried deep breathing. All these things work only temporarily, but I have a unique method where we work directly away. You have tried deep breathing. All these things work only temporarily, but I have a unique method where we work directly with the brain and I want to offer you a free resource to get you started on that unique approach and you will find that unique approach, the resource that I talked about, a free resource. You will find it on wwwmasteryourwellbeingyourownwellbeingcom.
Speaker 2:
Forward slash three steps. There are three steps to year less. Three steps to year less. There are three simple steps you can start practicing. They will not take away the yelling, but they will create an awareness for you of what is going on in your life to get you on the path to yelling less.
Speaker 2:
You can do this. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a failure. You are not a bad mom. You just lack a skill. Think about this. You cannot go and start treating people when you have not been to medical school. Doctors go to medical school to learn skills about how to be a doctor, about how to operate. Engineers, lawyers, everybody, nurses, teachers they all go to school to learn those skills. So here we are expected to be quote unquote good mothers and we do not have any training whatsoever. And then we feel bad because we can't be the mother that we want to be. You're not a bad mother, you only lack skill and you can't get that skill. So go to wwwmasteryourwellbeingyourownwellbeingcom. Forward, slash three steps. Thank you for listening today. Talk to you again next time. Bye everyone.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.
