Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if our preteens felt truly empowered to handle their own problems?
This week's episode of "Motherhood & the Brain." It’s all about giving us the tools to nurture your preteen's independence while keeping our own emotions in check.
You know that impulse we all have to jump in and fix things for your preteen? I talk about how to manage that urge and instead be a calm, supportive presence. It’s about making sure your preteen feels heard and capable, which can really boost her confidence and help her navigate life’s challenges on her own.
And speaking of tricky moments, have you ever felt that gut-wrenching need to step in when your child’s decisions just don’t sit right with you?
I cover how to handle those moments with curiosity and empathy. Understanding and accepting our own feelings of fear and sadness can actually strengthen our bond with our kids and teach them how to resolve conflicts and regulate their emotions.
Lastly, the episode touches on self-reflection in parenting. It guides you to address your own feelings and struggles, helping you create a healthier and more supportive environment for your preteen.
Trust me, the practical advice and heartfelt stories I share will really enhance your parenting journey. You should definitely give it a listen!
Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if our preteens felt truly empowered to handle their own problems?
This week's episode of "Motherhood & the Brain." It’s all about giving us the tools to nurture your preteen's independence while keeping our own emotions in check.
You know that impulse we all have to jump in and fix things for your preteen? I talk about how to manage that urge and instead be a calm, supportive presence. It’s about making sure your preteen feels heard and capable, which can really boost her confidence and help her navigate life’s challenges on her own.
And speaking of tricky moments, have you ever felt that gut-wrenching need to step in when your child’s decisions just don’t sit right with you?
I cover how to handle those moments with curiosity and empathy. Understanding and accepting our own feelings of fear and sadness can actually strengthen our bond with our kids and teach them how to resolve conflicts and regulate their emotions.
Lastly, the episode touches on self-reflection in parenting. It guides you to address your own feelings and struggles, helping you create a healthier and more supportive environment for your preteen.
Trust me, the practical advice and heartfelt stories I share will really enhance your parenting journey. You should definitely give it a listen!
3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.
https://masteryourownwellbeing.com/3steps
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.
Speaker 2:
Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 21. My name is Esther Babazi and I am your host. Before I begin, I just want to state a small disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, neither am I a licensed mental health worker. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what is working for me, what has worked for me in the past in my motherhood journey, in my journey as a human being, as your next door neighbor and as a mom, in the hope that maybe you will find something useful from the material that I share to help you feel slightly better than you're doing now that I share to help you feel slightly better than you're doing now.
Speaker 2:
In today's episode, I am going to talk about how your reactions can impact your child and what you can do to provide the support she needs without adding stress to the situation. We start by understanding why it is essential to manage your own reactions. When your child comes to you and they had a situation with a peer at school, maybe in the neighborhood, they had a falling out with a friend, so she comes to you and she shares it with you. She tells you what happened. So your child is already stressed out from dealing with her own problem. With this problem, her body, her small body, is on high alert. Her nervous system is in overdrive. It is ready to fight or run away from the situation. So when you her mother, gets angry or upset about the said problem because she shared with you, you add another layer of stress for her to deal with. Her little young brain has had a hard time handling both her own stress and yours at the same time, and this can be the equivalent of juggling too many balls in the air. So your child feels the need to take care of you and your experience on top of her own needs and the situation that she's in, and this can really make her feel overwhelmed, even more anxious. So when you're upset, it makes her feel less safe and supported, which is the opposite of what she wants, because your child needs to know that you have her back in a calm and steady way, and if you stay calm, it helps her brain feel safe, so she has the energy to deal with her problems in a better way. So this is what typically happens.
Speaker 2:
When your child shares with you her problems or a problem, your brain, your protective brain, goes in protective mode. You want to fix the problem right away to keep her safe and happy. Usually this reaction is very strong because you deeply care about your child. Your protective brain thinks that if you don't jump in to solve this, you are failing as a mother. So this chatter, this non-stop chatter, fuels your need to get too involved to try and solve this problem for her. But what this does, what your child actually wants, is for you to listen and understand what she's going through. She wants to feel heard and supported and not necessarily to have her problem solved immediately. So when you offer solutions, advice and actions on how to fix the said problem, it can feel overwhelming and controlling to your child.
Speaker 2:
Preteens want more independence. From the age of preteen they want more independence. They are learning to solve their own problems and they are making their own decisions, and this is a normal, biological, natural part of growing up. When you get too involved, it can feel like you are taking away her independence. She wants to show you that she can handle things on her own terms, even if sometimes she makes mistakes. When you respect her autonomy or agency, she feels more respected and trusted and this helps her learn important skills and how to handle different situations. So by solving her problems on her own, she becomes more confident in her abilities.
Speaker 2:
The thing is, we are not taught these things in school. At least, I never learned this in school. So many of us, myself included, we are so intertwined in our children's lives Like we do not see where their lives stop and where ours start, or vice versa. We think that when they are going through something automatically have to go through it with them, something automatically have to go through it with them. We don't see the thin line in the sand where we are supposed to stop, like when our child is experiencing something sad, instead of diving in and starting to be sad or be frustrated with them about their problem. We do not know that we can be sad on our own, that we can sit here and be sad, angry, frustrated, without us getting involved from the sadness. I hope this makes sense the way it does for me, and we call this taking care of our own well-being.
Speaker 2:
So when you do not take care of your own well-being, you become overly involved in your child's life as a way to make yourself feel better, and this may sound harsh, but this is what is going on for many of us because we see our child suffering and we feel bad because they are suffering. So, in an attempt to make ourselves feel better, we get involved in their problems to try and solve them. So we feel better, like we have done something, like we are good moms, like we are good caregivers. And what is happening is we are burdening our children with our own problems, our own internal I like to say the word internal our own internal problems. So our brain, the human brain, is very smart. So our brain, the human brain, is very smartnerability. Because you see your child is going through pain, you feel pain, but for you to solve your own pain, you get involved in her problem so you feel okay, this is what the brain does and many times this is going on unconsciously. We don't know it is even happening, especially if you do not have the awareness.
Speaker 2:
So, instead of you being overreactive and controlling because of the way you feel, try and I know this is hard, I'm not saying it's easy try to solve for your own sadness on your own, because when you are overreactive and when you become controlling, this might seem like it works, but what it is actually doing is it is creating distance between you and your child, because your child has already stated they don't want you involved. So now that you are getting overly involved, you are pushing her away. I don't know that this makes sense. So by allowing yourself to be sad and angry and vulnerable, you build trust with her, you build a stronger relationship with her, you are showing her that it is human to go through those things Like it is part of life to feel exposed, because anger is a very powerful emotion. It is very stimulating, but underneath all the anger is usually sadness and fear. So when you sit with your anger instead of reacting angrily by maybe calling the other child's parents, when you sit with your anger and let yourself feel the anger, what you find is deep down, you are sad. Deep down you are scared. Deep down you are fearful because your child is going through something and there is nothing you can do about it. And what we do as humans? We think that this is a bad thing. We don't want our kids to suffer. We don't want them to go through bad things, but these are all a part of the human experience.
Speaker 2:
What I usually do for me is I sit still and I speak to my brain, sometimes audibly, sometimes just within me and I will say that I notice that my brain is telling me to call the mom of the other child and try to sort this out, but my child asked me not to. I respect her decisions. I let her know I'm here and I can help if she needs help. I feel uncomfortable, I feel restless. I describe whatever it is I'm feeling. I feel uncomfortable, I feel restless, I feel sad, I feel angry. I feel sad, I feel angry and it is okay that I feel all that. My protective brain thinks that my child is facing danger. My protective brain is just doing its job. There is no physical threat to her life. My maternal instinct just kicked in. And then I will say that in another time and another time. Every time I feel like I need to call somebody, I need to do something, especially if my child asks me not to, and my brain is like no, we have to do something. We have to do this, we have to make this go away. You have to clear this up, find out what's going on. I was like brain. I respect your opinion. I hear what you're saying, but we are not doing that. We are going to respect her decisions or his decisions. She knows that I'm here when she needs help, and because I choose not to do something, I feel uncomfortable, I feel restless, I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel frustrated. Whatever it is that I'm feeling, and it is okay to feel all that it is because my protective brain is doing its job of trying to get my instinct for me to protect my child, and nothing is physically threatening her existence.
Speaker 2:
We are consciously and unconsciously taught to avoid uncomfortable emotions. We even call them negative emotions. We are consciously and unconsciously taught to avoid negative emotion. We avoid negative emotion. Many of us like the plague, but it is the negative emotion or uncomfortable emotion that gives meaning to the comfortable or what we call positive emotions. Because we would not know joy if it were not for sadness. We would not know light if it were not for darkness. We would not know spring if it were not for winter. And think about it. Would you like to be happy when your child is going through a problem and they are trying to solve it in their own little brain? Probably not, I wouldn't.
Speaker 2:
So by acknowledging your vulnerability, you become aware of what is really going on, which might include fear for your child's well-being or sadness around the situation. This awareness can lead you to a more thoughtful and compassionate way of approaching the situation, because you recognize that you feel vulnerable or you feel sad, or you feel helpless. You empathize with your child in that situation, creating a deeper connection and understanding. When you approach a situation and you are not clouded by anger or frustration, you are more than likely to listen to your child's concerns and understand her perspective, which creates open dialogue where your child feels heard and understand her perspective, which creates open dialogue where your child feels heard and supported. You stay calm and present and you set an example for her on how to handle conflict and difficult emotion. And for me, what I have learned through doing this work is usually a vulnerable and open approach reassures my child that I'm here for emotional support, which is more than valuable. You see them even in their eyes, like when you just sit there and open up and just listen to what they are saying. It is way more valuable than immediate intervention or tips and hacks on how to fix something.
Speaker 2:
I'm not saying this is easy, but I'm not saying it cannot be done Just like anything else. It's a skill to build. It takes practice. You have to practice, you have to be curious. What I have found, I think the best emotion is curiosity. You have to be curious when your brain is telling you to do something. You have to be curious Like what's going on brain, really brain, because in situations like this you are going against your primal maternal instinct. That is why this need to get involved in our children's situations is very strong, like when that need arises within you. It is very strong, like when that need arises within you. It is very strong. It is because it is coming from one of your primal instincts of protecting your young. So what I have found to be very helpful is to be curious Like what's going on brain, what's happening? What am I not seeing? I mean, she said no, I should not get involved, and why is it hard for me to respect that? Why is it hard for me to be present with myself and see what's going on? Okay, I feel fear because our brain, when our brain senses like we are fearful, like the situation is fearful, the brain interprets it as a life or death situation. So I'm like okay, brain, I see I'm scared, I'm fearful, but I'm fine physically and she's fine or he's fine physically. Like, you have to become curious like what's going on brain. What's happening? What am I not seeing? What are you trying to tell me? Why are we going against her decision?
Speaker 2:
I read a book I don't remember what book it is, but it is one of the books of the late dr wayne dyer and in that book he said every time you want to do something because you feel a strong urge to do it, you have to ask yourself do I want to be right or do I want to have a relationship with this person? And that has helped me tremendously. When I want to get involved in my children's lives and they have asked me not to, and I feel the urge to do that, to get involved I tap into that question Do I want to be right or do I want a relationship? What is better for me? Is it better to be right or is it better to have a relationship? And the answer is always the relationship.
Speaker 2:
Every step you take towards managing your own reactions and emotions, you give your child space to solve her own problems in a step that creates more resilient, a more resilient and a more independent child.
Speaker 2:
By staying calm and present, you set an example to her on how to handle conflict.
Speaker 2:
Think about it, moms. I know it is hard, but you can start with the awareness. I know it is hard, but you can start with the awareness. When your child comes to you and they are upset and they are not opening up, it is a sign for you to back away. When you're trying to speak to them and they are slamming a door in your face, it is a sign for you to back away and go inward and see what's going on for you, what's happening for you, because many times we are out there trying to fix the world in an attempt for us to feel better, like I said, but many times what I have learned and what I have found to be true is to go back on the inside and try to fix what is on my inside instead of what is going on out there. Your child, your daughter, your son, your preteen, is going through a human experience her own human experience and having problems is part of being human, even though it is sad to sit by and watch.
Speaker 1:
Thank you so much for listening today. Talk to you again next week. Bye everyone. We would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.
