Have you ever felt that pang of guilt after yelling at your child, wondering how it might be shaping their future emotional well-being?
Join me, as we confront this all-too-common struggle many mothers face in our latest episode of Motherhood from the Brain.
We dive deep into understanding why stress and frustration often lead to yelling and how this automatic response can impact our children's mental health.
Through relatable personal stories and evidence-based strategies, I aim to shed light on how we can rewire our brains to respond with calmness, even amidst the chaos of daily life.
We'll explore practical, brain-based methods to break the yelling habit and build stronger, more nurturing connections with our preteen daughters. Imagine creating a new path in a dense forest; that's the journey we embark on together.
It takes conscious effort and self-compassion, but it's entirely possible. I emphasize the importance of interpreting our children's behaviors through an understanding lens to create healthier relationships.
Tune in to learn how to transform your motherhood experience, one calm conversation at a time.
Have you ever felt that pang of guilt after yelling at your child, wondering how it might be shaping their future emotional well-being?
Join me, as we confront this all-too-common struggle many mothers face in our latest episode of Motherhood from the Brain.
We dive deep into understanding why stress and frustration often lead to yelling and how this automatic response can impact our children's mental health.
Through relatable personal stories and evidence-based strategies, I aim to shed light on how we can rewire our brains to respond with calmness, even amidst the chaos of daily life.
We'll explore practical, brain-based methods to break the yelling habit and build stronger, more nurturing connections with our preteen daughters. Imagine creating a new path in a dense forest; that's the journey we embark on together.
It takes conscious effort and self-compassion, but it's entirely possible. I emphasize the importance of interpreting our children's behaviors through an understanding lens to create healthier relationships.
Tune in to learn how to transform your motherhood experience, one calm conversation at a time.
3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.
https://masteryourownwellbeing.com/3steps
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.
Speaker 2:
Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 22. My name is Esther Babazi. Before I begin, I just want to state a small disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist or any other licensed mental health worker. I'm just a mom, a new next door neighbor, a fellow woman who is going through motherhood challenges, and I have found ways to help me improve my motherhood journey. Help me improve my mental well-being, my emotional well-being, my physical well-being, and I know that there are many mothers out there who are struggling, who think there's something wrong with them and because they just can't seem to get this whole motherhood thing right. So I use this podcast as a medium to share what is helping me, in the hope that at least one mother out there can learn something from this podcast to help them feel better about themselves and their child and improve their relationship with themselves and their child. And improve their relationship with themselves and their child In today's episode.
Speaker 2:
Imagine this it's been a long day. You're juggling dinner, homework, you have a work deadline, maybe you have to drive your child to their extracurricular activity and your child is being uncooperative, giving you attitude, and you finally snap. The look of fear and sadness on your child's face hits you like a ton of bricks. You did not mean to yell, but it happened. So later that night as you lay in bed, guilt keeps you awake. You wonder how your yelling is going to affect yours you and your child's relationship in the future. So I just want to demonstrate something. Imagine walking through a dense forest. Over time, you and other travelers walk on the same path in the forest and it becomes a well-worn trail. This is like the habit of yelling. It is a path your brain has taken many times, so it feels almost automatic. When your stress levels arise, your brain follows this similar trail without even thinking about it.
Speaker 2:
Yelling often starts as a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, stressed or unheard, or even frustrated or angry. It is an instinctive response when you feel your authority is being challenged or when you're simply pushed to your limits by the demands of daily life, motherhood, career and everything. But I don't know that. You know, maybe you don't know frequent yelling can lead to your child feeling fearful, anxious and less likely to come to you with their problems. There is a ton of studies that show that kids who are regularly yelled at can develop lower self-esteem and higher stress levels. So just like carving out a new path in the forest, changing the habit of yelling requires effort and consistency. At first, it's tough to push through the underbush of the new behaviors and responses. You have to be mindful and deliberate, choosing to speak calmly even when every instinct in your body screams to yell. And with time and repeated effort and being kind to yourself I think the most important thing here is being kind to yourself A new path becomes clearer and easier to follow.
Speaker 2:
Yelling creates a barrier between you and your child and it teaches her to respond to conflicts with anger rather than understanding. Healing also makes your child internalize negative feelings about themselves because they believe they are the problem and, like I said, this cycle is hard to break because at the moment, healing feels like a quick fix to regain control. If you're like me, you have probably tried counting backwards from 10, deep breathing, walking away, distracting yourself. Anyway, these are all forms of distracting yourself. Even though these methods work, they only work temporarily, and the reason they work short term is because these methods do not address the root cause of yelling.
Speaker 2:
It is not necessarily your child's behavior itself that triggers your yelling. It is how you interpret your child's behavior. Becoming aware of your interpretations is key to breaking the habit of yelling, because your interpretations influence your emotions, which in turn, fuel your actions, and yelling is an action. So consider a scenario where you repeatedly ask your child to clean their room but by the 10th reminder she still hasn't cleaned it. You might feel frustration or anger rising you, leading to a misguided attempt to get her to clean by yelling at her Deep down. You might believe that if you were a better mother, she would just get up and clean her room without all the unnecessary reminders. So this interpretation of the situation is what is leading you to yell. You think that if you are not failing as a mom, your child will just get up and go and clean their room. Now that you think that you are failing as a mom, you feel maybe guilt, maybe shame, maybe sad, maybe disappointed in yourself, and then you yell. Sad, maybe disappointed in yourself, and then you yell.
Speaker 2:
Yelling acts as a way to kind of reinforce your ability as a mom, but on the surface it looks like that, but it does not work like that. And here's the thing. Maybe, where you were brought up, where you come from, your guardians, your parents, expected you to drop everything you were doing. When they asked you to do something, they expected you to drop whatever you're doing to go and do what they asked you. Because obedience, immediate obedience, was some form of respect. And we pick these things up unconsciously, both consciously and unconsciously. We pick things up from where we grow up, in the societies we grow up in, in the homes we grow up in. So maybe you picked this up from where you grew up. I was this person where I grew up, where I grew up.
Speaker 2:
Even today, it is considered a sign of disrespect if a child does not drop whatever they are doing to go and do what the adult has asked them to do. Because I have shared on the podcast earlier from the society that I grew up in, children were seen or are seen even today. They are seen but they are not heard. Like nobody's interested in what you have to say. You're just seen and that's enough. So when we were growing up, we had to drop everything Like. We didn't, we had no opinion, we had no, there was nothing like let me finish this and go do the other. No, we just had to drop whatever you're doing and go do whatever the adult person Not only your birth parents or your immediate guardians, but almost any adult person in the area. What they asked you to do, you had to go and do it.
Speaker 2:
However, it is very important to understand that your child, just like you and me, your child, my child has a human brain. They have the same human brain that you and me have. The same human brain that likes to procrastinate, the human brain that likes to put off things, the human brain that does not want to expend any energy, the human brain that would rather not do things that are productive and engage in things that are unproductive. You and me have certain struggles doing certain tasks, and the same happens to your child. Our children struggle with doing certain things. Maybe cleaning their room is one of those things. They have difficult cleaning. They have struggle organizing. It's like a mountain in front of them. It's like a mountain in front of them. I'm sure you have certain things that you are not very enthusiastic about doing, so your child is the same way, because of the human brain, and this is the reason why you can't get up to clean the room. The moment you ask them, they put it off. We shall do it later. I'll do it later. Before you know it, you're reminding them 50 times. It is because of the way the human brain is designed. This is not a reflection of your parenting or mothering skills. This is just a human thing.
Speaker 2:
I'm going to repeat your child, my child, everybody's child, has a human brain, and the human brain does not want to expend any energy. It just wants to sit there and indulge in things that do not take energy, things that do not seem difficult. This human brain does not want complicated tasks, not the protective brain. The higher brain, yes, but not the protective brain. And our proteins have a very underdeveloped higher thinking brain. It is very underdeveloped, it is underdeveloped. Higher thinking brain it is very underdeveloped, it is underdevelopment, it is not finished, being built or developed. The higher thinking brain, the brain that separates us from animals. That is why you see human beings sitting in meetings and discussing things and stuff. Animals don't do that. Animals do not have a thinking brain, they only have a protective brain. So our children do not have the same higher thinking brain that you and I have. It is being built, it is under development, it is not finished. Development or developing, development or developing. That is why they experience, they put off things. I will do it later. That is classic protective brain behaviors.
Speaker 2:
And the same way you have challenges doing certain tasks in your life is the same way our children, or your child, has challenges doing certain tasks. So when you have this awareness, when you understand that this has nothing to do with your parenting skills, this has nothing to do with your mothering skills, you will cultivate compassion for both yourself and your child. Your approach will soften. You will shift from frustration and anger to understanding and empathy. This is what I meant by our interpretations are what fuel our emotions, which again lead us to yell our emotions which again lead us to yell. So when you have this whole new understanding that oh, I totally get it. My child is human. Her brain is not finished developing. Maybe cleaning and organizing are not my child's strongest attributes. Okay, I understand. The same way I struggle with ABC is the same way she struggles with cleaning and organizing, your approach will soften. You will move from frustration, anger, overwhelm to understanding and empathy.
Speaker 2:
And this does not mean that you will let them off the hook from organizing and cleaning their room. No, does it mean that. It just means you are softer around the edges and you understand they're having difficult cleaning and organizing, but they have to do it all the same. This is what I like to say. I have an 11-year-old and this is a huge, huge struggle for her the organizing and the cleaning. It is a very huge struggle for her. So I'll just say I can see this is hard for you and I understand Cleaning is not my favorite thing either.
Speaker 2:
I am not one of those people who clean professionally, who like it as a hobby, who find it therapeutic no, I am not one of those people. But I still clean because I don't want to live in filth. So once you have cleaned and organized, then you will have your screen time or whatever it is that they are supposed to be doing during that time, the pleasure thing they are supposed to be doing. When you have finished doing that the organizing and the cleaning then you can go do the thing. You understand we are not letting them off the hook because they don't want to clean, no, but we understand it is hard for them. They don't want to do it, but they will do it anyway because we don't want to live in filth and we teach our brain that just because we don't want to do something doesn't mean we should not do it, especially if it is beneficial to our lives. Another thing I like to do is ask our lives. Another thing I like to do is ask her.
Speaker 2:
We sit and we break down tasks. Instead of saying, go clean and organize your room, I will say, maybe put away things from the floor, maybe fold your clothes, take off the sheets from your bed. I name the things, I name the things. This is one of the things that helps to avoid overwhelm, because when you look at a room, when you say you're going to clean a room, it looks so huge. But when you break the tasks down remove the sheets from your bed, put away your clean laundry, pick clothes from the floor do one of those things at a time. Take out the trash. They break the things down and before they know it, they have done it, and then they feel good about themselves for doing that thing, just the same way that we do, like when I'm going to clean. Before I clean, I am imagining all sorts of scenarios. Where am I going to begin? When will I be done? Can I do it tomorrow, maybe on Monday, maybe I'll skip a day, but when I break it down in two bite-sized tasks, before I know it I'm done and I feel good about myself. It is the same way you can help your child do that.
Speaker 2:
But the most important thing is to understand that the reason you are trying different things and they are not working to help you stop yelling, it's because you are not addressing the root cause of the problem, and the root cause is your interpretations of what is going on. When you make things about you, you make things about how you are inadequate, how your child should be like the next child, your neighbor's child, your sister's child, why your child is not clean as your sister's child, why is your child not organized like your friend's child. These are the things that lead you to yell. Our children are different. The same way, you and your siblings are different. You are not like. Your siblings are different. You are not like your sister. Maybe you're not like your brother. You are you and your child is you.
Speaker 2:
Maybe she's not organized now, but that doesn't mean her life is going to be like that. Maybe she will grow up and become organized. Who knows? Maybe organization is not her strong skill, cleaning the room is not her strong character or trait, but maybe she has something different that she's good at. But when we start comparing and making it mean we are failing and why they are not like their friend and why they are not like the neighbor. This is what leads you to yeah. So you have to be very conscious, create awareness around your interpretations when things have happened. Have a beautiful rest of your day. Talk to you again next week. Bye everyone.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.
