Why Am I Yelling? Understanding the Root Causes and Breaking the Cycle

What if your instinct to yell isn't just about the moment but rooted in ancient survival tactics? Join us as we uncover the complex reasons behind why many moms resort to yelling during stressful moments. 

From evolutionary behaviors to the impact of our own childhood experiences, we'll explore how these factors shape our reactions today. 

Discover the hidden consequences of yelling on both children and parents, such as heightened anxiety and feelings of inadequacy, and learn why self-awareness is the key to breaking this cycle.

Feeling stuck in a frustrating loop where your kids just don't listen? We tackle this common struggle head-on by examining the cycle of self-doubt and frustration that leads to yelling. 

Understand how children's own battles with procrastination and fatigue mirror our own, and why empathy and softer approaches can transform your communication. 

Tune in for real stories, expert advice, and brain-based methods that promise to improve your motherhood journey and create a more harmonious home environment.

https://instagram.com/the.help.moms.yell.less.coach

FREE GUIDE:

3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.

https://masteryourownwellbeing.com/3steps

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, Esther Mbabazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

You are listening to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 25. Before I begin, I just want to state that I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist, neither am I a licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what is working for me in my life as a mom, as a woman, as somebody next door, in the hope that at least someone out there feels a little better about themselves, improves their relationship with themselves and their child. In this episode, we are going to talk about why yelling seems to be your go-to reaction during stressful times. Do you ever wonder why you find yourself yelling at your child even when you saw you wouldn't? Many moms share this struggle and often feel immediate regret afterward. It turns out that our tendency to yell has its deep roots in our evolutionary history. From an evolutionary standpoint, moms have always had a fundamental role in ensuring the survival of their offspring.

Speaker 2: 1:58

Early human ancestors lived in groups where safety in numbers was crucial. A child's behavior could have significant consequences, not just for the child but for the entire group. Disobedience or wandering off could lead to danger, such as a predator attacking a child or a child getting lost from the entire group or tribe. So our brains developed mechanisms to protect us and ensure social cohesion. One of these mechanisms is the protective brain, responsible for our survival. When a child's behavior deviated from what was deemed safe or socially acceptable, the protective brain could trigger a strong emotional reaction in the parents, in the mom, including yelling. Living in close-knit groups meant that maintaining social harmony was vital. Moms feared their children being shunned or ostracized. Moms feared their children being shunned or ostracized, which would jeopardize the child's survival and the family's standing within the group or tribe. Therefore, yelling became a tool to enforce rules quickly and effectively, driven by the fear of social exclusion. But our brains are wired to repeat familiar patterns. If yelling was a common method of communication in your family, your brain learned to see this as a normal response. This happens because our brains tend to repeat behaviors that we are exposed to during our formative years. So if you grew up in a household where yelling was common, it is likely your brain is conditioned to follow the same path. Maybe there was a lot of yelling where you grew up. Maybe yelling was a way to react to stressors of life where you grew up. Maybe your caregivers, your parents, reacted to stress in their lives through yelling. So you picked it up. We are not here to find blame, to apportion blame, to find who to blame for our behaviors and lack of behaviors. We are just here to create awareness of why are we doing what we are doing and the good thing is, you can teach your brain new and better ways to respond to stressors such as the stressors that come with raising children Today.

Speaker 2: 4:49

While the dangers we face in society are not necessarily the same as the dangers our ancestors faced when they lived out there, our brain has not evolved. Our protective brain has not evolved. It still has the same instinctual reactions. The pressures of modern life, combined with the ingrained behaviors from our upbringing, make yelling a common response to stress and perceived threats. For example, when you're already stressed from work or other responsibilities, a minor thing your preteen does at home or does not do can feel like the lasting straw triggering you, leading you to yell, like the lasting straw triggering you, leading you to yell. I don't like to use the word trigger, but something the child does can lead you to yell. Something small your child does can lead you to yell and studies show.

Speaker 2: 5:59

There's a ton of research that shows that yelling at children can have a detrimental effect on their physical and emotional well-being, and this can include increased anxiety and behavioral issues, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, living in fear living in fear. And for the parents, yelling can lead to constant feelings of guilt and shame and inadequacy. No-transcript because of the way the brain is designed Many times when we want to change our children, it is because we do not want to do the work ourselves. Let me repeat, this is very important Many times when we want to change our children, it is because we do not want to do the work ourselves. And what do I mean by this?

Speaker 2: 7:07

If you believe that, in order for you to stop yelling or to reduce yelling, your children have to change, if you are so bent on changing them so you yell less, if you think they're the ones leading you to yell, you are going to be very focused on them. You're going to try to do whatever you can to make them behave so you do not yell. And maybe this works for you, maybe it doesn't. We are different people. But what I have found is number one your children are outside of you. They are outside of your control zone. You may be able to control them for a while, but it is not sustainable and it is very exhausting, because you'll be constantly on their backs forcing them to do things you want to do. So you can feel good. Forcing them to do things you want to do, so you can feel good. You'll be constantly like running a show, trying to move them around like chess pieces in a chess game. So you feel better Because if you believe that you reason for yelling, if you really believe that they need to behave so you yell less, you are going to be at their mercy. You have to constantly do things to make them behave in a way that you want. So you do not hear what I have found, and four years ago, if somebody told me this, I would never believe them.

Speaker 2: 8:32

The challenging parts of motherhood are the ones that make us grow the most and they make our relationships even better, other relationships in our lives even better, and the challenging parts of motherhood in this case include learning the skill of not reacting with yelling. It is not an easy thing. I'm not going to sit here and lie. It is not something you'll do in a week. If you have been yelling for many years, you're not going to stop yelling in a week. No, but it is through consistency, sticking with it and being able to open yourself up to learning and being able to feel uncomfortable because you are creating a new path. You are creating, I think, last week's episode, maybe the other week, I gave an analogy of a trail in the woods or in the forest.

Speaker 2: 9:27

Those trails in the forest many people have been walking on them, so they are very well formed. So if you have been yelling for a while, your brain knows that every time you are stressed, every time there's a stressor, you are going to react with yelling. Your brain knows that. But that does not mean you cannot create a new pathway, a new way for the brain, a new trail in the forest. You know it takes a little time. There's undergrowth. Maybe that undergrowth is sharp. We have to step on it a few times for the path or the trail to form. So it is the same thing.

Speaker 2: 10:04

But the rewards are unimaginable. There is no price on putting. There is no price you can put on that skill of learning to manage your own reactions, the reaction that you normally have to your child's behavior or lack of behavior, because it is your reactions to their behavior that lead you to yell. It is not that your children are leading you to yell. No, they are not reaching in your head and manipulating your brain and leading you to yell. It is your reaction to their behavior that is leading you to yell. So when you learn the skill of managing your own reactions to their behaviors, you are good to go, and I'm not even lying. You will transfer that skill in all other areas of your life.

Speaker 2: 10:55

So understanding why you yell is the first step to breaking the yelling cycle. You recognize that your brain is wired to react in certain ways due to past experiences, and when you do that, you approach situations with empathy, self-awareness and understanding. And the way we do this is by becoming aware of what we are thinking. You become aware of your thoughts. What are you thinking? And the reason I say this is because the way we think, or the beliefs that you have, a belief is a thought that you have been thinking for many, many, many years and it is now running on automatic. It's like a loop. You don't even recognize. You think it's a thought anymore. You're thinking it, you think that is how it's supposed to be.

Speaker 2: 11:50

So the beliefs that we have, the sentences in our brain. Sometimes I say sentences, sometimes I say beliefs. Sometimes I say thoughts, but the sentences in your brain, the thoughts in your brain that you have lead you to feel a certain way, and the way you feel fuels the actions you take or you don't take. Let me repeat the sentences in your brain, the beliefs that you have, the thoughts that you have, they lead you to feel a certain way. Thoughts are sentences in our brain. Thoughts lead us to feel sensations in our body. They lead us to feel vibrations in our body, body. They lead us to feel vibrations in our body and those vibrations that we feel in our body fuel or drive the actions that we take or do not take.

Speaker 2: 12:52

So if you think, for example, if you, if you ask your child to come at the table and so you get started on the homework, and she does not oblige, she does not come, she takes her time, then you think that she never listens to me. You are going to feel maybe frustrated, maybe angry. And when you feel frustrated or angry, you are going to attempt, you are going to raise your voice in an attempt to get her to come to get started on homework. Maybe you will go and try to micromanage her, to try to control her, maybe try to force her to come to the table and because you think she never listens to you, you will think there's something wrong with how you are quote unquote parenting your child. Then you will think you can't get this together. By this I mean the poor motherhood thing. You will think there can't get this together. By this I mean the poor motherhood thing. You will think there's something wrong with you. You are failing as a mother.

Speaker 2: 14:10

All the things that we think and from the things that we do, because we feel a certain way, and we feel a certain way because of what we are thinking, because of the thoughts in our heads that are swimming around, we create results in our lives, and the result in this particular instance is you make it harder for your child to listen to you. Let me rewind. If you ask your child to come to the table to get started on the homework and she's taking her time, she's not coming I mean you have been reminding her three times and she won't show up you may be tempted to think that she never listens to me. And when you think this child does not listen to me, you may feel frustration or anger. And when you feel frustration or anger you will yell at her. You will try to control her, maybe go to her room and make her get to the table.

Speaker 2: 15:15

You may think you are failing as a mother.

Speaker 2: 15:18

That is why she never listens to you. You think there's something wrong with you. That is why she never listens to you. You think there's something wrong with you. You yell some more to get her to come to the table, because this is like a cycle. It becomes like a vicious cycle when you think there's something wrong with you as a mom, when you think you are failing your child, when you think why can't I get this together? This is how it works. You are going to, in an attempt to convince yourself that you are not failing, you yell to try to make yourself like it would be like something like a pep talk. You yell in order for you to convince your brain that no, I'm not failing, I know what I'm doing. Then you raise your voice. It is insane, but that is how it works.

Speaker 2: 16:11

When you have feelings of self-doubt, when you doubt your abilities as a parent, you do something negative in an attempt to quash the doubt, but it doesn't work. It becomes a vicious cycle and what you're creating in your life is you're making it harder. You're making it harder for your child to listen to you. Because, let's be honest, who wants to be yelled at? Who wants to have their parent, their mother, behind their back all the time, like hovering over them? Nobody wants that. You don't want that. I don't want that, neither do our children. They don't want that. So we make it harder. You make it harder for her to listen to you. This is what you are creating.

Speaker 2: 17:00

So the situation is your child is not responding to your polite requests to come to the table and you think she never listens to me. And you feel angry because you think she never listens to you. And when you feel angry, you yell at her. You think there's something wrong with you. You go and try maybe to get out of the room, to come and get on the table, sit around the table to do whatever. It is Like. You are now exerting this undue pressure and you're making it harder for her to listen to you. This is how it works and the result that you create, the return that you create. It will always be about you, that you make it harder for the child to listen. It is not the other way around. You make it harder, you make it harder for your child to listen to you.

Speaker 2: 17:57

So, like I said, the way to break the yelling habit is to become aware of what we are thinking. In situations like this, we do not just change our thoughts to. She never listens to me. You don't just swap out a thought, because this is the mistake that we make when we are starting this work. We just want to change our thoughts. No, we look at what we are creating in our lives and ponder and question this thought. She never listened to me. We evaluate, we look at it, we question it.

Speaker 2: 18:39

How is this helping us? Where is this coming from? Maybe if you were like me I don't know about you, but where I grew up, we were expected to drop everything we had. When the adults asked us to do something, we were expected to do that. So maybe that is where it is coming from. Like I said, our brain picks up things from our environment, so maybe your brain picked it up from where you, how, the way you were brought up, and your brain thinks that the child taking time to come to the table is some form of disrespect. So when you look at that thought and start to question it and start to become curious, you will be fascinated with what you find, because children have the same human brain that you and I have, and sometimes they put off things. The same way you and I do, they procrastinate and the same way you and I are, our kids have certain tasks that they don't enjoy doing. This is nothing about you as a person. It is everything about them and their brain. So they put off doing things just the same way you want I do. They have to wait until the last moment. I do that and I consider myself disciplined, but I do that. I do that. I put off things and then I do them at the last moment. So our children are exactly the same way.

Speaker 2: 20:28

So when you think that because she's taking time to come to the table to get started on the homework, when you make it about yourself, when you think she's doing it on purpose, then you are going to yell. But it has nothing to do with you. It is everything to do with her, and I'm not saying you just let her off the hook because she has a procrastinating brain and homework is not her favorite thing to do, so you just let her not do the homework. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is we are creating awareness and we are softening our approach. When you have this awareness that, oh, children are just small human beings, they have the same struggles that we have, you will come up with more softer approaches, with the understanding that she struggles the same way you struggle.

Speaker 2: 21:21

Maybe she's tired, maybe she's genuinely tired from I don't know, six, seven hours at school and she comes home she doesn't want to get started on the homework immediately. Maybe she really needs a break. You just have to be curious about what you are thinking and why you are thinking it. Where is this coming from? Maybe she's tired the same way you and I get tired after a long day. But because we are adults and our planning brains are fully developed, sometimes we push ourselves to do things even when we are tired. But we just have to have an understanding that our kids' brains are not as developed the planning and higher thinking brain is not as developed in them as it is with us. So after you have questioned that thought, you will feel relief in your body, what we call a vibration. You will feel relief and understanding, like you will feel a vibration, and then you can find a new thought. This is when we find a new thought. A new thought may be maybe she's distracted, maybe I was not clear. This is very true in my situation.

Speaker 2: 22:48

I used to ask my kids to clean their rooms and they would never know where to start. But I started breaking down tasks for them take off the sheets from the bed, put them away in the laundry, put things away from the floor, like I break everything down, put things away, fold the clothes and put them away where they're supposed to be. Break things down and they will do it. But I think when we say clean your room, it is too much. They don't know what that means. So maybe break it down. So maybe with homework, maybe you could try something like if it is 4 pm, maybe if you have the time, you could say 5.30, we get started on the homework, I don't know. Like you try to break things down and give good, give them reaction time. Don't just spring it on them. Just try whatever, something you will see whatever works for you. But you have to have a new thought Like okay, maybe she's distracted or she did not understand my request.

Speaker 2: 24:14

And the reason I emphasize paying attention to your thoughts is there are other methods of getting rid of the yelling, but if you do not look at your thoughts, if you just learn to get rid of the yelling, maybe using willpower or some people have used willpower and they stopped yelling but if you just do that without looking at your thoughts, you may substitute yelling with another action, like maybe speaking harshly without yelling, or ignoring your children or being permissive. But when you look at your thoughts, what am I thinking? How am I feeling when I think that? How do I feel? And when I think that, how do I feel? And when I feel that, what do I do and what do I create in my life when I, when I do those things? You will not substitute yelling with another habit, because you will catch it yourself, because thoughts, sentences in our head, thoughts, beliefs lead us to feel a certain way and whatever we feel drives our actions or lack of actions. So this is why it is very important not just to get rid of the habit, but to learn the skill of being aware of what you are thinking.

Speaker 2: 25:41

Compassion, compassion and more compassion for yourself and your child, because engaging with your children from frustration does not bring connection. This is why I encourage becoming curious. What am I thinking? Because curiosity builds connection and the opposite of curiosity is judgment. Judgment creates distance. When you become compassionate, when you become curious and examine and ask yourself questions, the brain will give you answers. By the way, it will always give you. It may not give you in the moment, but if you keep bringing it back, the brain will give you answers. If you keep bringing it back, the brain will give you answers. Remember, engaging with your child from frustration does not bring connection. So, as I wrap up, there is nothing wrong with you as a mom because you're yelling.

Speaker 1: 26:39

No.

Speaker 2: 26:39

Now, unless you have some diagnosed mental illness. But the people I have seen myself, we only lacked or lack skill. Our brain is wired to react in certain ways due to evolutionary mechanisms and past experiences. So when we understand the evolutionary roots of our reactions and make a conscious effort to change, we can create healthier and more supportive environments for both ourselves and our children. Thank you so much for listening today. Have a beautiful week. Talk to you again next week. Bye everyone.

Speaker 1: 27:29

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.