Uncovering Stress Triggers with Journaling

Ever wonder why you lose your temper with your preteen, despite your best intentions? 

In this episode of "Motherhood from the Brain," host Esther promises to guide you through life changing techniques that will help you manage those emotional flare-ups. 

By introducing the powerful practice of journaling, Esther reveals how documenting your daily interactions can uncover hidden triggers and recurring stressors, leading to a calmer family environment. 

You'll learn how writing down specific incidents can not only track your growth but also potentially turn your experiences into a resourceful book for other mothers.

We dig deep into the underlying beliefs and expectations that often contribute to parental frustration. 

Esther addresses common parental stressors, like noisy children and sibling fights, and emphasizes how setting aside time for journaling can help you process these emotions. 

By examining thoughts like "they should be quiet," you can uncover unrealistic expectations and shift from immediate reactions to a more thoughtful understanding of your emotions. 

This practice aims to reduce the emotional toll on parents, fostering a more peaceful home life.

Finally, we explore the crucial role of mindfulness and self-awareness in parenting. Esther discusses how recognizing and understanding your emotions can help manage your reactions to your children's natural behaviors. 

By modeling calm responses and fostering a mindful approach, you not only avoid escalating situations but also teach your children valuable emotional regulation skills. 

Through thought awareness and deliberate thinking patterns, this episode provides actionable insights to improve your relationships and overall well-being, enhancing your motherhood journey and deepening your connection with your preteen.

https://instagram.com/the.help.moms.yell.less.coach

FREE GUIDE:

3 Steps to Reduce Yelling So That Your Preteen Feels Safe to Come To You, Not Fearful.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Welcome back to the Motherhood and the Brain podcast, episode number 26. My name is Esther Mbawazi. Before I begin, I just want to state a small disclaimer I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist or any other licensed mental health professional. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what is working for me in my life as a mother, how I am improving my emotional, mental and physical well-being as a mom, in the hope that my story will help somebody at least one person out there, so they feel a little better about themselves and they improve their relationship with their preteen somehow. In today's episode I'm going to talk about the benefits of journaling when you want to stop yelling at your preteen.

Speaker 2: 1:47

Motherhood can be a complex and, at the same time, rewarding journey or path, but it often comes with its fair of challenges. Just like anything else worth having or worth doing, anything worth doing, anything worth having, has challenges or obstacles that we solve or overcome in order for us to get to that thing that we want. And in motherhood, one of the common struggles or challenges many mums face is the managing of their temper, particularly when it comes to yelling at their kids. You will notice my podcast is a lot around yelling. And that is because, if you're new here, that is because I work with mums of twins or mums of preteens who want to stop, or at least significantly reduce yelling at their kids. So, while journaling is a powerful tool for identifying patterns and thoughts that lead to yelling, it's extremely important to take it a step further and actively change those patterns and thoughts that you discover as you journal this episode. We are going to explore how you can use journaling not only to recognize these patterns and thoughts and beliefs, but also how you can change them in order for you to create a calmer and more harmonious family environment.

Speaker 2: 3:38

So let's begin. Journaling helps you become aware by providing a space to reflect on your daily interactions with your children, and by documenting the sentences in your head or the thoughts and your emotions and actions. You start to see a recurring pattern that leads you to yelling. Start to see a recurring pattern that leads you to yelling. Writing about specific incidents where you lost your temper can help you pinpoint common triggers, and these common triggers might include stress from work, financial stress, fatigue, certain behaviors from your kids or even other external sources, like maybe familial relationships. Through regular journaling, you can map out your emotional reactions, what thoughts or sentences led to those reactions and what actions you eventually took from the emotion you felt. Understanding how these emotions escalate can give you insight into an early warning sign or signs of losing your temper. So to create a lasting change, it is essential to change the thoughts and beliefs that lead to yearling, and here is how journaling can help you achieve this change.

Speaker 2: 5:12

Now I'm just going to confess and say I probably ought to write down things more. I don't do it as I wish I did. I do a lot of thought downloads. I have been talking about these. Sometimes we call them thought downloads, other times we call them a thought dump, and you can switch it out by calling it journaling. So I have to confess I should be doing this more than I actually do, but I don't, and many times I do it in my head, like a mentor, because I have this framework. So I do it in my head and I get relief and I get help from doing that. I see things that I probably would not have seen if I had not even done the mental part.

Speaker 2: 6:07

But the best way to do it is to write down things, because when we write down things, we can go back and look at our growth. We can go back and look at the things that really bothered us, maybe six months before, when you're doing it daily. By now they are not as a big thing as they were. So if you do not write things down, you miss this part of seeing your growth and maybe you want to convert your journals into a book one time. So by writing them down, by journaling, by writing your thoughts down and how you feel, you are already a step ahead in your book writing adventures. If you feel like you have a book in you, maybe sometime in the future you want to write a book. Journaling is one way to get there. One of the first steps is to have a journal where you write things down. So back to where we were.

Speaker 2: 7:10

So when you write about a situation where you yelled, write exactly what happened, without adding your opinion or how it made you feel. Let me give you an example of a journaling prompt. My kids were fighting today and talking in higher voices, and you think, or you thought, that they should be quiet. You thought that your kids should not be talking in higher voices or fighting. And when you thought that they should not be talking in higher voices or fighting. You felt annoyed. And when you felt annoyed, you maybe went and yelled at them. Maybe you thought you questioned your parenting approach. Maybe you thought you're not a good enough mother. You beat yourself up. You thought there was something wrong with you. How come you cannot stop them from fighting? Maybe you know other people who have kids who don't fight. So you maybe wrote something of why can't they be like the kids of this other person that you know? Like you, write down whatever you did, like what you thought.

Speaker 2: 8:37

It takes a little while to get this going, but stick with it. But don't spend the whole afternoon journaling away. No, we want to put aside maybe half an hour. Some people say even 10 minutes. To put aside maybe half an hour. Some people say even 10 minutes. To put aside 10 minutes and write. And when you felt annoyed, what did you do? You tried to stop them from fighting and talking loudly, but you yelled at them to stop doing that. Maybe you thought there was something wrong with you. Why can't your kids be like your sister's kids or your neighbor's kids? You went and disconnected from them. Maybe you took your phone. You scrolled on your phone. Maybe you went and watched Netflix, maybe you poured yourself a glass of wine like write. Whatever you did and here's a quick tip Usually the things that we do when we feel something start with a verb.

Speaker 2: 9:38

That is why I'm saying you yelled at them.

Speaker 2: 9:41

You thought there was.

Speaker 2: 9:42

Maybe you beat yourself up is the right word. You beat yourself up because you think you're not a good enough mother. Why can't your kids be quiet like your sister's kids? Like you compared, you know you compared your kids to your neighbor's kids, to your sister's kids. All these things and all these things that you are doing, they are causing you more suffering. There's already loud noise, loud. The kids are fighting and talking in higher voices. Loud noise, loud. The kids are fighting and talking in higher voices, and by doing all these things, you are increasing your own suffering. The kids caused some suffering, yes, but now the way you are thinking about the situation is causing you more suffering.

Speaker 2: 10:28

So this is where the journaling starts, and if you are like me in the beginning, when I was just learning this work, even sometimes now I find myself wanting to change the thought. So if you're like me, you would want to change your thinking. For example, they should be quiet is the thought that I gave in this particular example is the thought that I gave in this particular example. You would want to go from that thought and put another thought, thinking when you do that, you will feel better. You will feel better, but it will be temporary because you are not addressing the underlying root, the underlying reason why you are thinking that, unless we address the underlying reason, we will always be doing the same thing. This is why journaling without addressing your thoughts and looking at them does not work. You always end up in the same situation. It works a short time before you are back where you started.

Speaker 2: 11:30

So that is why I said, if you're like me, when I was just learning this work, I always wanted to change how I was thinking, because I know that, because what I'm thinking is what leads me to feel pain. So I thought in my mind that if I change the thought and feel better, then things would be fine. No, it doesn't work like that. So you take the thought. In this case, they should be fine. No, it doesn't work like that. So you take the thought in this case, they should be quiet. You take that thought and you question it. Now notice I said you take the thought. I did not say you take the situation. The situation is they are fighting. Your kids are fighting and talking in loud voices. That is the situation you are in and your thought is they should be quiet. So you take the thought. You do not take the situation.

Speaker 2: 12:24

The way I teach it and the way I was taught it and what I have found to be helpful in my life my own life, what I have found to be helpful in my life, my own life and the people I work with is we take the thought and we look at it and we examine it and we ponder the thought they should be quiet. Is the thought that is causing you to feel annoyed. I know it is very tempting to think that it is the situation that is causing you to feel annoyed. No, it is what you're thinking about, the situation that is causing you to feel annoyed. That is why we take the thought. You take the thought and you write it down I think that my kids should be quiet, okay. And you start questioning it, examining, some people questioning it, examining.

Speaker 2: 13:15

Some people say questioning, some people say examining. Or you become curious. You know you become I think the best word is you become curious about why you're thinking that. Why do I think that my kids should be quiet? Like, what is that about? I mean, mean, then you start writing Don't kids fight each other? Isn't that a normal developmental thing? Because books about development and the human mind and the human race and animals show that fighting kids fighting each other, it teaches them skills, how to defend themselves, how to stand up for themselves, like it is their own way of interacting. And I'm not saying, like you stand by and watch when your kids are stabbing each other. No, we put a line, definitely, but you have to question it. You have to be curious, like what is wrong with my because I think my kids should be quiet? This is the thought that we are examining.

Speaker 2: 14:20

What, if it is possible that kids, children should not be quiet like children do not think like us. They do not have the same brain the way we do. We have the same brain structure, but their brain is under development. They do not understand things the way we do. They do not see things the way we do because their brains are not fully developed. So me expecting my kids to be quiet causing me pain because they are not Me. Expecting them to be quiet. They are not. Me expecting them to be quiet they are not. When they are not quiet, when they don't even know how to be quiet, is causing me more pain.

Speaker 2: 15:04

And what am I making it mean that they are not quiet? What am I making that mean about me? This is where the question. For example, could it be because I think that if they are not quiet I am a bad mother? What am I making it mean that they are not quiet? Does that mean that children who are quiet are well-behaved? Is it possible that children can be well-behaved sometimes and other times not be quiet? Does that mean that well-behaved kids do not talk loudly, they are supposed to be quiet? Does that mean that if my kids are not quiet or they talk loudly, they are supposed to be quiet? Does that mean that if my kids are not quiet or they talk loudly, does that mean that I'm not a good enough mother? Is it possible that good mothers now we put good in quotations, because good is subjective but is it possible that good mothers sometimes have kids who are not quiet?

Speaker 2: 16:15

Is it possible that another person may have a different thought about this whole situation of my kids fighting? Get curious, what is this like who determines I like this most? Who made the rule? Who decided? Where is it written that kids have to be quiet? I always go to this one when I'm feeling not only about my kids, but even about myself, when I'm feeling resistance to something. I always go back to that Like where is it written that, for in this case, kids are supposed to be quiet? Who decides that like? Who? Who made that rule that kids are supposed to be quiet? Why am I believing that they have to be quiet? Because it is the reason you are feeling pain or annoyance in this case is because you believe they should be quiet. But where is that coming from? Where is that rule written? Who decides that? Who made up that rule and why? So? Is it possible that another person may have a different view of this whole situation that you're in? Stay with the thought. Don't rush to change it. Keep plugging away, keep asking yourself questions and answering them.

Speaker 2: 17:35

What if it is possible that sometimes your kids are quiet and other times they are not quiet?

Speaker 2: 17:42

And this particular time they are not quiet?

Speaker 2: 17:46

My kids are not quiet right now, and that's it, without making it mean mean anything. Are you expecting too much from yourself. Are you expecting too much other? As a mother, like as a mother, my kids should be quiet. Are you expecting too much? And now that is not happening, you are feeling pain. Are you expecting too much from your kids? Is it possible that kids are just kids? Sometimes they shout, sometimes they are quiet, sometimes they are not, without it meaning anything.

Speaker 2: 18:25

Answer all these questions Truly, honestly. Never let a question go around in your brain. Your brain comes up with a question. Find an answer. Even if you don't know, you take a guess. When your brain says I don't know, you tell the brain to take a guess, because your brain telling you I don't know means it does not want to do the work of finding the answer. You know how our brain is. Our brain does not want to expend any energy on anything. It just wants to be there and relax. It does not want pain. It does not want to exert or expend energy Things that take energy. The brain will just say I don't know. So when you ask yourself am I expecting too much from my kids, you write down Now that I have these expectations and they are not fulfilling them, I'm putting them under pressure or I'm putting myself under pressure. You keep writing and when you have finished writing, you go through what you have written and you learn something.

Speaker 2: 19:38

In this particular case, it seems that you have an idea of how your kids should be acting in this situation, and it is okay to have ideas, but they are just ideas. We do not have to act on all of them. You want them to be quiet, but they are not. It would be lovely if your kids would act the way you think they should, but the truth is they don't, and when you think that things should be different than they are, you only create frustration and annoyance and in this case, this case annoyance. So the goal here is to show you what you are thinking and how that is creating the annoyance that you feel. You don't have to replace annoyance with frustration. You do not have to replace annoyance that you feel. You don't have to replace annoyance with frustration. You do not have to replace annoyance with happiness or joy. It is okay to be annoyed and frustrated With awareness. What you don't want is for you to be annoyed and frustrated without understanding where it is coming from. This is very important Because many of us were brought up with a view that negative emotion.

Speaker 2: 21:00

You even hear what we call it. We call it. Emotions are not negative or positive. They are just emotions, but we human beings termed them negative and positive. So annoyance or frustration would be an example of a negative emotion For many of us, at least me.

Speaker 2: 21:19

I was brought up to think that emotions that made me feel a certain way were bad. I had to work hard to get away from them were bad. I had to work hard to get away from them. That is why, before I learned this work, when my children were not quiet, like in this case, I would do everything I could to make them be quiet, because I thought that me feeling annoyed was wrong. I needed to do something to get away from annoyed. In this case, you do not have to replace annoyed with joy or happiness. It is okay, it is perfectly allowed to be annoyed as long as you have the awareness of where it is coming from, as long as you are aware of your thinking. Because, let me ask, would you really want to be happy that your kids are being loud? No, I don't think so, and it is okay to think that I wish my kids were quiet now, but they are not, so I'm just going to sit here and feel annoyed and frustrated over here, like I have asked them calmly to keep it down, but they won't, and I'm starting to feel a certain way. I'm starting to feel like I want to yell at them and I don't want that, so I'm just going to sit here in my annoyance and be annoyed.

Speaker 2: 23:05

We are creating awareness around our thinking and what our thinking would lead us to do or may lead us to do, because when we are not aware of our thinking and how it leads us down the rabbit hole, this is where we start yelling that I asked them calmly to not be so loud, to not talk so high in high voices, and they are clearly not doing that, instead of me adding on that situation with my yelling and to make everything worse and come across as crazy. Because this is what happens when you ask your children nicely to do something and they refuse or they don't I don't want to say refuse, but they they ignore you or they don't pay attention, they don't listen, whatever and then you ask another time and another time. And if you ask another time now, you are starting to get annoyed and you are going to yell at them and what happens is they don't see themselves in the situation. They don't see their behavior. What they see is your behavior. What they see is your behavior.

Speaker 2: 24:31

When you add fuel to the fire or gasoline on the fire, the children will stand and look at you like you're crazy, because now you have taken over the whole situation. They don't see themselves in their situation. But when you create awareness about your thinking and how it leads you to feel annoyed and you go over there and sit over there and be annoyed it is okay to be annoyed and to be frustrated. You are not adding gasoline on the fire. They talking loudly and and yelling whatever it is that is going on. When you go and yell on top of that, they look at you as if I think you have had kids who say I've had many of them, who even maybe mine described me like that all those years ago.

Speaker 2: 25:25

I don't know, but I have had kids who say my mom acts crazy. And when you ask them, what do you mean? It's something of this nature, because the mom asks them many times and they don't do what she's asking and when she finally gets fed up and loses it and yells at them, then they think she's crazy. But when you are able to see it with your noise and not add fuel to the fire. Somehow, somewhere they are able to see their own behavior. I don't know the science behind that, other than the fact that kids mirror what we do. They behave the way we do because they see they copy what the parents do. That is the only science that I understand, but maybe there's a deeper way, but I don't know how this works. When you are able to control your own responses and reactions, your kids will see that. So when you are journaling and writing down things, create awareness around your thinking, because in this society that we live in, many of us including myself we are just doing things because my mother did it that way, my father did it that way, my family did it that way. We never stop to question what are we doing, and then we feel frustrated and annoyed, whatever, but we are not questioning our thinking. That is why we end up in the same spot.

Speaker 2: 27:16

You can, for example, if you are trying to stop yelling, but you are for lack of a better word, you are doing it by controlling your kids. You are doing it by trying to make them behave well so you don't yell. This, of course, works just a short time before you come up with a new strategy. It is because your kids are outside of your control. You can't control them. You may think you can, but you can't. You just influence them. You can't control them. You may think you can, but you can't. You just influence them.

Speaker 2: 27:54

And the thing is, when you keep doing this, it's because you're not looking at your thinking. What am I thinking? What am I believing? Okay, I, maybe. Right now is a time when they are not quiet, and what is wrong with that? Like, who decided that kids should be quiet? Maybe where you come from, that is what they were expected of, and now you are transferring it to your kids.

Speaker 2: 28:29

You are, you are doing the same thing your parents did to you, but because you don't have the awareness, you just keep doing it and you end up in the same spot and it is not serving you. The only way to improve your relationship with your kids and yourself, the only way that I know of maybe there are other ways, but the only way that I know of, the only way that is working for me, has worked for me is to change my thinking, to become aware of what I'm thinking and choose what I'm thinking deliberately. I know it sounds out there. And choose what I'm thinking deliberately. I know it sounds out there. Believe me, it sounded out there for me as well. Choose your thinking. What is that? What does that even mean? Do we even have control over that? Yes, we do.

Speaker 2: 29:26

Studies show that we have 60,000 thoughts each day. Of course, we can't know all of the 60,000, but there are certain situations where we can deliberately choose what we are thinking, and this is a perfect example. Your kids are talking in loud voices. You can choose what you think about, what to think about that situation, and sometimes it is okay to follow in the footsteps of our parents. Sometimes it is okay to do things that our parents did them, but we have to do that deliberately so we do not end up creating results in our lives that we don't want, so we do not end up wondering why this keeps happening to me. Have you heard of that? Why does this keep happening to me? It is because you are not conscious of your thinking. We can choose our thoughts. It is totally possible.

Speaker 2: 30:37

I tell you, I am not even good at managing my brain. I'm not Like. I am not this disciplined person. I know people who are disciplined. I know people who are. I know people who are like, who manage their minds almost I don't know what percentage, but my mind is maybe a quarter managed and I already see results, tremendous results, in having a quarterly managed mind, not even half, just a quarterly managed mind, and I am not so disciplined Like I'm not one of those people. I know people like that. I know people like. I admire them. You will never hear them say a negative word. So you can learn how to become aware of your thinking and one of the ways you can do that is writing things down and looking at them. Just a quick tip, because many people do not know the difference between a thought and emotion, and I covered this in the earlier episodes.

Speaker 2: 31:46

A thought is a sentence in your head, in your brain. I have not yet studied where thoughts come from. I just know they come from brain, like the process behind that. I have not really dedicated myself to it, but sentences in your brain are called thoughts. A belief is a thought that you have been thinking over a long time. It became automatic, you no longer even think about it, you just believe it. But it started as a thought, an emotion like annoyance in this case, is a sensation.

Speaker 2: 32:34

When we have sentences in our brain. The sentences lead to sensations or vibrations that we feel in our body. That is why, when you feel annoyed, maybe you feel a tightness in your chest. Maybe you feel flushing in your face People who are light skinned, white people, like they call them they become red in their face when they are angry. Maybe you feel like somebody I sometimes feel this when I'm annoyed like whiplash, like somebody took a horse whip and whipped me with it.

Speaker 2: 33:13

I feel a sensation like that when we feel, when we are going through grief, for example. It may be I have felt grief and it felt like somebody pulled a carpet under my feet, like I was falling. Those are sensations. They start from what we are thinking in the brain and we feel them in our bodies. Anxiety, for me, can sometimes it feels like insects or bugs crawling under my skin when I'm feeling anxious, that is how I feel. Different people feel different things, but that is how I feel. When I'm anxious, I feel like insects are crawling under my skin or bugs are crawling under my skin. Small bugs are crawling under my skin.

Speaker 2: 34:05

So a thought is a sentence. I think you've heard people say. I feel sometimes we'll describe a thought, have a feeling in a thought. That is a thought. What are you thinking? For example, if you ask somebody what are you thinking? And they'll tell you I feel like I can't trust them. That is a thought. That is not an emotion.

Speaker 2: 34:33

An emotion comes after you have a sentence, when you have a sentence in your brain, when your brain gives you a sentence, that sentence is going to lead to a certain reaction. Some people call it a vibration. It's going to lead to a certain reaction. Some people call it a vibration. It's going to lead to a vibration down in your body or a sensation in your body, and that is what we describe. And then those vibrations in our bodies or sensations in our bodies lead us to act a certain way.

Speaker 2: 35:06

In this case, your kids are fighting and talking in loud voices. That is a situation, and you think that they should be quiet. That is a thought. And when you think that you feel annoyed, that is an emotion. And when you feel annoyed, you yell at them to be quiet. You compare them to your sister's kids. You doubt your parenting skills. You think that there is something wrong with you, since your kids can't be quiet. These are actions that you are taking because you feel annoyed and then what you are doing here is you're making your suffering worse. So this is what I mean by a sentence is very important to learn the difference between a sentence and an emotion.

Speaker 2: 36:11

It took me time to learn it, but I finally did, and sometimes I'll say things and my coach will be like that is a thought, like what it felt true to me. A situation is something that happened, that took place. When you go to the court, the judge can say yes, it happened, it happened. In this case, your kids are fighting and talking in loud voices. This happened. This is not something you're thinking or you made up. It happened. That is a situation. So many times we mix like I said, I still do it now Many times we mix situations with our thoughts.

Speaker 2: 36:54

So my coach is always pointing out that is a thought. You understand, that is a thought, that is an opinion. I'm like what it felt so real, I thought it had happened. But, like I said, you take baby steps and you will see a difference. So, when you think your kids should be quiet, when you think your daughter should wake up, when the first alarm goes off, that is a thought. When you think your 11-year-old should not comment on your food preparation skills, that's a thought. When you think your child should clean their room the way you tell them to, that is a thought. When you think your mother-in-law should not comment or make comments about how you're raising your kids, that is a thought. When you think your husband should agree with you on everything you say, that is a thought. A situation is something that happened. A thought is a sentence you have about that thing that happened. An emotion is how you feel in your body when you think a sentence and actions are what you do or don't do because of how you feel, and the result is what you create from all those things.

Speaker 2: 38:25

Keep journaling away, moms. Journaling is very powerful. It is very, very powerful. It is very powerful. It gives you insight. It shows you how you speak to yourself, how you speak to your kids, the relationship you have with yourself. You will learn all that from taking time to journal, all that from taking time to journal. Thank you so much for listening today. Have a beautiful rest of your week. Talk to you again next week. Bye everyone.

Speaker 1: 38:56

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.