Paths to Personal Fulfillment Through Recognizing and Serving Core Needs

When a joke within my family took an unexpectedly profound turn, it became clear that the stories we carry from childhood can cast long shadows over our adult lives. It was a moment that sparked a realization about how our deep-seated needs from those formative years continue to influence our relationships today. Together with Lena, our insightful guest, we embark on a journey of discovery to understand the true nature of healing beyond the quick-fix solutions. We share personal experiences, revealing the impact of our earliest narratives, and discuss the critical differences between superficial fixes and meaningful growth.

Navigating the maze of human connections can often lead us into the dance of codependency, where personal needs are eclipsed by the desire to maintain bonds. Through candid discussions and shared stories, we examine how recognizing our fundamental needs can lead to healthier interactions and empower us to build more robust boundaries. As I recount the lessons learned from my own brush with past traumas, we delve into the healing process and the profound ways in which understanding our core needs can reshape the way we express love and connect with others.

Finally, we look at the unshakable human desires for significance, connection, growth, and contribution. The episode unravels the threads of how these needs intertwine to form the fabric of a fulfilling life. We explore practical ways to engage with our communities and give back, finding that in serving others, we often discover the richest parts of ourselves. From journaling to community initiatives, the episode is packed with actionable insights that encourage you to reassess your approach to personal development and create a life that's not just successful, but truly satisfying. Join Lena and me as we guide you through this exploration of the human spirit.

As human beings, we all have certain fundamental needs that are necessary for us to feel safe, loved, and fulfilled. These needs, which have been identified by psychologists such as Freud, Maslow, and Tony Robbins, include:

Certainty - the need for safety and security, and a sense of control over the future.

Uncertainty/Variety - the desire for new experiences and a sense of adventure.

Significance - the need to feel important, loved, and recognized by others.Connection - the desire for close relationships and deep bonds with others.

Connection - - the desire for close relationships and deep bonds with others.

Growth - the need to continually learn and improve oneself.

Contribution - the desire to give back to others and make a positive impact on the world

As human beings, we all have certain fundamental needs that are necessary for us to feel safe, loved, and fulfilled. These needs, which have been identified by psychologists such as Freud, Maslow, and Tony Robbins, include:

Certainty - the need for safety and security, and a sense of control over the future.

Uncertainty/Variety - the desire for new experiences and a sense of adventure.

Significance - the need to feel important, loved, and recognized by others.Connection - the desire for close relationships and deep bonds with others.

Connection - - the desire for close relationships and deep bonds with others.

Growth - the need to continually learn and improve oneself.

Contribution - the desire to give back to others and make a positive impact on the world

https://www.serenitycovetemecula.com

Transcript

Noel: 0:06

Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.

Lena: 0:10

And I'm Lena.

Noel: 0:11

And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shifting between. We just talk mad shift, let's get into it and on today's episode, what the fuck do I need? Yeah, we'll get into that topic a little bit later, talking about the basic human core needs, but first let's dive into the skin. Deep cards. I'll go first. Okay, if you could go back in time and give yourself advice about our relationship, what would it be and when?

Lena: 0:49

Oh, okay. So the first thing that comes up for me is do not make a joke about a memory from your childhood that you thought was funny, what was actually pretty hurtful.

Noel: 1:03

Oh, you mean the story that keeps getting told over and over again? Yeah, that she didn't know. Yeah, and was it trigger for me?

Lena: 1:10

Yeah, I didn't know. And oftentimes we find these stories with our siblings or friends or family are like remember that time you did that thing, that was so stupid or whatever, and you think it's funny and actually you're not really aware that that's actually really hurtful to them or it's bringing up something painful that's not funny to them.

Noel: 1:30

So what advice? Because that's when, but what advice would you give yourself?

Lena: 1:37

I think I would ask myself to look at how that experience probably was for you and to say like or I would have said, hey, you should ask him if that's okay that you're doing that. Or hey, does that make you feel bad? Or something. But I think, especially with siblings, we just take it for granted, like, oh, you're fine, and that was really not an aware place to be yeah, but we were kids.

Lena: 2:02

See, but that's what we say. Oh, we were kids, we didn't know. But if I could have looked at myself and been like, yeah, I really hate that story that the family tells about how I ran over our family dog and it's like I never ran over the family dog and it just became a joke. But really for me it was like that's really hurtful and yeah, so I should have just been like, yeah, did you like that? When they told you that they ever told everyone you ran over the dog, and it's like, no, well, you shouldn't talk about that thing for him, you know. So it wasn't until really within the last two years, I was like, yeah, that is hurtful.

Noel: 2:42

You know well, I forgive you. Thank you, hooponopono. You know better, you do better. Yeah, please forgive me. I love you. Sorry, and thank you. Yes, in no particular order. All right, what's your question?

Lena: 2:57

My question is what do you feel is the difference between fixing and healing?

Noel: 3:04

Wow, that's a hard one. Is it? Well, I guess, yeah, I guess, fixing is a temporary thing. You know, with no, you're really going after the symptoms and, just you know, dealing with the things that are showing presently. But I think healing is going back deep, going to source. Where did that feeling come from? When's the first time you felt it? How do you recognize it? What did it feel like for you and your body back then and now? How do you recognize it? How is it the same, how is it different?

Lena: 3:43

Like getting back to the core, I think, is how you heal, as opposed to fixing, which might be just hmm, yeah, it's like kind of like if you had a leak in the faucet and you're like just turn off the water to the house, okay, there's no more dripping, also there's no more water. So I don't know.

Noel: 4:00

Yeah, we need water to survive. That's a pretty big one.

Lena: 4:04

Yeah we fixed it Well, but we have no water. So, yeah, okay, well, like that.

Noel: 4:10

So we're going to this. Core needs as human beings, we all have some core needs that we need, that are necessary for us to feel safe, right.

Lena: 4:20

Loved, fulfilled.

Noel: 4:21

Yeah, and lots of people talk about this Freud.

Lena: 4:26

Maslow's hierarchy.

Noel: 4:27

Yeah, so there's lots of evidence and books based on this basic human needs and I would like to just talk a little bit about why. Why do you think these core human needs are important? And then let's go over them. Let's go over each one of the core needs and see how they apply to you or to me. All right, All right let's do it.

Lena: 4:52

Well, the thing is we all tend to have one or two that are the most important and when we were talking about this earlier, I really it really brought up. The way you know, when you read the five love languages and many people have read it, we've talked about it before in the podcast but what I found is when you recognize your love language and you realize that's how you receive love, then you're a little bit more aware of, like, why your behaviors are the way they are. Why do you need touch, why do you need words of affirmation, things like that?

Noel: 5:19

Why do you like?

Lena: 5:19

gifts. You become aware of how you receive love or how you feel those emotions, and also it gives you some insight as to even your children. What's their love language, how do you speak to them in that language so they get what they need?

Noel: 5:34

Yeah.

Lena: 5:34

Right, and when I was talking about these core needs, it made me think about that, like, oh, this is why I would want to know that, but it's not something that I'm consciously thinking of as like that's a core need. Like Maslow's hierarchy of needs is, like you know, shelter, safety, love, food, blah, blah, blah. Really, you know the basic things, but these are going more, a lot more into like kind of the behavioral, and so when we were bringing these up, it was funny to kind of think about, like well, what are my top two? So let's, let's talk about what they are. Okay, so first one is certainty, yeah, certainty.

Lena: 6:14

And what do you think that is?

Noel: 6:15

The need for certainty is driven by our desire to feel safe and secure In the future. In the future, yeah, exactly, and set into control.

Lena: 6:24

Uh-huh Control. Yeah, we love that.

Noel: 6:27

Over, yeah, over what's to come when you feel reassured, free from threats. Yeah, and understand the people and concepts around us.

Lena: 6:37

Yeah, that one I can very much relate to.

Noel: 6:40

Yeah, I think when I read that I was like, ooh, that's Lena, because you have this deep need to know everything.

Lena: 6:47

Yeah, yeah, it's not just circumstances, it's information. It's like, well, what is what does it mean? You know, like anything you told me to do something. I want to know why I need a sense of certainty. I also think that comes back to having been in the field that I was working in for so long, which was critical care and flight nursing, and mostly a lot of what I was picking up was people who didn't have certainty in what they were doing and ended up hurt, you know, or worse, and so that kind of built in me probably a stronger need for certainty, even more than childhood or as much.

Lena: 7:25

Well, it probably contributed, yeah, because I found as I got older I was, you know, in that field of work that I became a lot more cautious and probably would not do things that I maybe would have done before, just because of knowing where that could end up. So it did kind of build this cautiousness and this need for certainty and the need for control. I feel like certainty also goes along with control.

Noel: 7:53

Well, what's to come, yeah?

Lena: 7:54

Yeah.

Noel: 7:54

And I think that's going to be breath work. It's. You know, it's maybe difficult to think about these emotions that we're going to be dealing with. And so not knowing or not having a sense of how that's going to go or how it's going to feel can be debilitating in some sense, and you've developed a way of kind of moving through those and getting past that uncertainty and building a strength towards that. So, while it is probably you know what you would, say that's definitely one of mine.

Noel: 8:22

Your core, probably your chief, the number one. You think it's my chief? Yeah, I would think so.

Lena: 8:27

Okay, I don't know, I could agree with that. I can agree with that because that's actually what brings up the most probably activation in my system is if I don't have some sense of certainty. So yeah, and what's funny is the next one is uncertainty and variety, and variety is also being a core need.

Noel: 8:47

Yeah, that's. It's kind of crazy to think that other people need the exact opposite in life to have that uncertainty and imbalance. I would think that's what it sounds like to me.

Lena: 8:58

I would. I would think you were sometimes in the uncertainty because you tend to take things to the extreme.

Noel: 9:06

Yeah, you know, as I'm thinking about that and it could be yeah, to fully experience life.

Lena: 9:17

Crave excitement. Adrenaline rushes. You know, engaging in like risky behavior to achieve them. I would say that is….

Noel: 9:24

Well, it also talks about like struggling to maintain jobs and relationships, but I'm solid there. You know what I mean Like I'm loyal to a fault. So in some ways, you know, when I read that I go the first part I can see, because I do like to do things to the extreme. Yeah. I do everything I do. It's over 100%. Yeah, it just can't be halfway.

Lena: 9:45

Although I don't know that it's without some sense of certainty. So I don't know. I think, when I think about somebody who maybe is relying on a coordinate of uncertainty in a way that is, you know, like I want constant change I can't stand things that I can plan ahead of what it is and I can see where it's going. I need to have like that constant surprise.

Noel: 10:05

That's some sort of secondary gain, yeah.

Lena: 10:07

Yeah, Then that could end up being something that might be more on the negative you know, and a lot of these. When I think back over, looking at these, it's like where in childhood did we kind of form a comfortability with some of these things?

Noel: 10:22

Yeah, I mean, even with uncertainty liking, you know, adrenaline rushes and risky behavior, I mean, is definitely a thing that I was going after. But it doesn't feel to me at my core, the core need, it doesn't feel like it's a need because I almost feel like the uncertainty. I had an arrogance that I was certain I was just going to get through it. Yeah, If that makes any sense at all. I always just kind of knew that somehow. I'm going to get through, yeah, so.

Lena: 10:50

All right. The next one is significance. So if this is one of your core needs, you probably crave, like recognition, attention from others in order to feel important, loved and seen and cherished, and it can be like a measurement of your own self-worth. Yeah.

Lena: 11:06

Yeah, so that's one where you know if you're constantly probably wanting to be the center of attention or Approving yourself Accolades certifications, degrees, like I wonder if there's like this need for self-importance or significance, especially to your peers or maybe just to yourself, that that's like how you determine your value is. I need to have you know, I need to be seen and recognized for whatever it is that I'm doing. That could that I can see where that is that's? I don't think that's. That's definitely not one. I.

Noel: 11:42

Yeah, that doesn't resonate with me. But the next one kind of does. It's contribution, you know contribution, oh, and you know what the next one is actually connection, or significance. And then connection, yeah, the desire for close relationships and deep bonds with others, yeah, connection is mine. I would say that's my number one or core need. Just feeling that need to have connection in a deep way to others Really has come up a lot for me in these last you know couple of years, going through some healing, not fixing and trying to find ways that I wasn't free and, you know, recognizing the patterns and that brought that up for me was, you know, really finding or feeling like people weren't there for me or, you know, or not connecting to me as deeply as I wanted to be connected to them and not knowing why.

Noel: 12:46

Going back to childhood, I was able to kind of, you know, do some healing and talk with you know mom and figure these things out, cause I was putting a lot of pressure onto Ellen, my wife, and it was kind of touching into one of those mommy wounds and recognizing where. I was like, wow, why do I feel this way? And I started to recognize, like because of a mother wound I and I let where I lacked connection to my mother. Now in life I just crave for that. Seek it, seek it and in such a deep way it's painful and it's such a deep way and finding a way to heal. That is giving myself that, you know, giving myself the love and nurturing that part of me and letting myself know. You know the connection is there with myself. Building that connection myself is the most important thing. Yeah.

Noel: 13:38

Because now that I've done that, I've been able to connect deeper with even with you, you know. So it's funny the connection because the connection I didn't know how deep it was until I went fully into it. I didn't really understand what connection was. Yeah, Even though I really wanted it, it wasn't until I completely pulled it apart and understood why I needed it and what I was missing in all those things. That created a space where I knew I had to fill and showed me where I was weak and gave me a specific place to kind of really work on. You know. So I found it super helpful to identify this, just like you did with love, languages and then identifying like physical touches or quality time is one of mine, recognizing that I still needed a structure with which I just wanted to be open to it for myself and to that Okay, Stop it. Significance, or connection being the primary one for me, really gave me a place to focus in on and try to do some work and some healing.

Lena: 14:31

Do you think, before you became aware that that was a really strong need for you, is that you would sacrifice like your own needs in order to maintain a connection?

Noel: 14:41

Yeah, it really does play into a codependency type role with all the relationships, because I'm constantly trying to prove my worth and in order to get that connection, in order to get that connection. Yeah, sacrificing and doing things to my own detriment in order to maintain that connection and not being and having weak boundaries and all those things. So that I because I was so fearful of losing that connection.

Lena: 15:05

Yeah, the weak boundaries for sure, especially if you're like I just want this and not being aware that this is like a basic need for you that's so important that you'll do anything to be able to maintain it. So no, I think that you're right. I think that you've made a lot of strides in being able to recognize one, where that came from, and that it exists. And then how do you do that for yourself?

Noel: 15:33

Yeah, that was a asking myself and finding people who are hurt and lack love ask for love in the most unloving ways. Yeah. And you know, I was acting out and respond or just reacting to things and flashing out, not ever really, I don't even think I really knew exactly what I needed, nope that's how we're doing this.

Lena: 16:00

Yeah Is because I think it's really important for each of us to recognize what our most important needs are, because a lot of times, that's driving the behavior unconsciously, and so if this is one of yours, then, you may be having loose boundaries, you may be sacrificing your own needs in order to just get this connection, but if you're not aware of it, then it just keeps driving the behavior.

Noel: 16:26

Yeah, becoming aware of it doesn't heal it on its own. Yeah, I mean, I became aware of it and had to question it and pull the threads and did a bunch of writing on it, and then I had to have a conversation. Yeah, and that was a difficult conversation, but what came from it was a level of understanding and compassion that I gained, because what I found was I didn't ever feel like I was held or loved, or kissed or hugged as much, and I didn't recognize it at the time until I became older and I recognized, yeah, that's what I've been missing.

Noel: 16:59

And that's what I crave is that touch and that's why one of my you know, my number one love language is physical touch, and quality time is the second one, and they've switched back and forth, but more recently quality time is more important, but forever physical touch was the top of the list and I had a conversation with mom and she gave me an explanation of her childhood where sexual abuse was involved from a parent or a guardian and it gave her a feeling that touching her own kids or loving her own kids was unsafe and wasn't good and so because of that, she held back from me. And when I heard that, I mean I was trying to heal it and I was trying to figure out like why is this a thing? And then when I heard that, I mean it really settled in deep and I just gained such a level of compassion.

Lena: 18:05

Yeah yeah, I mean, man, it's hard to give what you didn't get or what you got and that it was not safe. It wasn't love.

Noel: 18:15

Yeah, and in having an understanding and a conversation like that, heals doesn't fix it. Heals because it gave me, you know, perspective and at the time I wasn't able to understand that as a kid, but now, as an adult, when I'm trying to go through these and break down these walls and figure out what's what, what the fuck do I want?

Lena: 18:38

Yeah, what do I need and why?

Noel: 18:40

Yeah, and I was searching for that and I was. It was a hurt, it was a trigger If anybody would not want to give me hug or a kiss or would be like oh, what's wrong with me, kind of a thing. And so it just developed this trigger within me and hearing that, understanding that it wasn't about me. Yeah.

Noel: 19:02

I mean, we say it time and time again what other people do does not tell you how they feel about you. It tells you how they feel about themselves. Yeah, it tells you what's going on with them? Yeah, doesn't tell you what's going on with you. Not easy to you know, know, when you're a kid. But growing up and then building those connections back to our parents and trying to heal those wounds, man, that was a watershed moment for me and really set the tone for a lot of other healing.

Lena: 19:30

Started to untie that knot pulling out the threads, untieing the knots. Yeah, yeah. I can see that. I can see that.

Noel: 19:42

So connections of A big one. Big one. The next one is growth. So what's the growth?

Lena: 19:50

At. That is where we're constantly striving to learn more and be better. We may be perfectionists, high achieving and always taking action, sometimes neglecting rest and relaxation in pursuit of that personal development. This is definitely one of mine and I recognize it and I know that it's a need. It's not one that you know I'm.

Lena: 20:18

I used to be kind of ashamed of it. I used to think that there was something wrong with me, that I was mal content Because I was constantly seeking to know more to do what I'm really interested in this. Now I want to go learn about this and I constantly have to expand and grow. And for a long time I really thought that there was something wrong and I was kind of Chastised for being a seeker. You know, like that was a bad thing and and you know I fought against it for a while.

Lena: 20:46

And then I realized like this is just part of who I am, although the negative part of it is kind of perfectionism and thinking that you know I've got to constantly be in movement. I can't relax, I can't do this because I constantly have to grow. So it's kind of been a balance of Becoming aware that that is a core need for me. It's and it's okay, but how do I look out for the pitfalls? You know which are the perfectionism perfection is? Is it like it's a disease? I feel like it's a syndrome that can really cause a lot of anxiety and to depression you know, because you know nothing, nobody and nothing is perfect.

Lena: 21:24

So it's a, it's an unattainable goal. Yeah, so I don't want to chase something to the detriment, but be able to be comfortable in wanting to grow and and that you know being Just part of who I am and I love that part of who I am. But I have to watch out for, yeah, you can relax, you don't constantly have to be doing. You know You're a human being, not a human doing, and not letting it overtake me by being unconscious of it.

Noel: 21:52

It's a little bit tied in To certainty, I think. Yes because when I hear you say that, it's like you're trying to know, you wanted to know things, but there's growth in that.

Lena: 22:03

Yeah, yeah, I think the certainty can drive growth. I want to become more, you know, fluent in whatever this is that I'm doing, but definitely there is an amount of certainty that's tied with that. But I think that both of those things have served me. They've also Hurt me in some ways, but they've. They have both been there to serve as well. Yeah, and then the other one is contribution. So this being one of our core needs is like we thrive on giving to others.

Noel: 22:37

Yeah right.

Lena: 22:38

We feel deep-seated need to make a positive impact and we may volunteer, be devoted to specific causes and we like to make a difference.

Noel: 22:48

Yeah, so have an impact on our communities, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. I don't actually, if that's a core you know need, like go for it, go for it.

Lena: 22:58

Yeah, I think we're both sitting here because of that.

Noel: 23:02

Yeah, it's, it's becoming a core.

Lena: 23:04

Yes.

Noel: 23:05

Yeah, as we become healthier. Yes, right.

Lena: 23:08

Yeah, more aware, healthier. I think that you know contribution, but it definitely can be something that drives you.

Lena: 23:16

So, just being able to be aware of that and know like okay, if that is one of your core needs, like go for it, do it, you know, nurture it, that part of you, yeah but always wanting to find the balance, because if contribution is one of your core needs, also, you also need to look at are you able to rest, relax and not just constantly be constantly be in the doing and be able to just know that this is a need and be able to meet it in a healthy way and be able to give back to others and it be something that's not taking from you.

Lena: 23:46

Yeah, so these are the, these are the things that, like, we want to be able to identify. What are the things that most kind of let you up, like when you're hearing one of these, probably most of us are like, yes, that I, that is also mine, or nah, not so much, and the point of it is to really kind of identify what are your. We usually have one or two top ones, and which ones are the ones that are probably driving you on the unconscious level?

Noel: 24:14

Pointing towards places to work.

Lena: 24:17

Places to work, to be aware of, to know that this is a need you have, that you might be putting that need on other people and that may not be one of their needs.

Noel: 24:26

Well, what about that? What about identifying other people's needs? Is that beneficial?

Lena: 24:31

I think it's definitely beneficial because, if you look at love languages, it's beneficial to know your partner's love language Right and know their core need, exactly Just as important, I think Because if you're like, hey, you know it's really important for my partner to have certainty, so then you know when you're, you know planning something with them or doing something with them, that that's really important for them to know where and how, and you know all of that. They don't like surprises. They don't like I don't, do not throw me a surprise party like ever, you know, and if you do, you think you're doing something great.

Lena: 25:04

and now I'm I'm kind of mad.

Noel: 25:06

Yeah, you've just been triggered.

Lena: 25:08

Yeah, you didn't. This is not a favor to me, so it would really benefit you to know that I like certainty, you know. So same in our relationships, same thing with our kids. When you're raising kids to know like, ah, they really they need to, you know, have this aspect. They need to be able to constantly be surprised, or whatever it is is to be able to be aware of it and kind of work within it and not try to fit people into a box.

Noel: 25:34

What? How do you identify another person's core needs? Because even identifying mine, I think today, reading that, it jumps off the page to me, but I'm not sure that it jumps off to everybody, especially when it comes to another person really trying to dig in to somebody else's core needs. But certainly I think finding your core need and really diving in fully to that will maybe help you better understand other people's needs and how maybe they're not meeting those or maybe how they're not free or may show you patterns, certainly writing on it. Yeah.

Noel: 26:11

Or maybe even just asking the question.

Lena: 26:13

Well, I think you know, like think about when, when we're doing this and you're saying to me oh, that's definitely one of yours, Is that sometimes being the observer of someone? It may be, easier for you to identify their core need or suggest like hey, do you think this is something that's really important to you?

Noel: 26:30

Well, I mean, you're very outward, we're. We talk a lot about ourselves and we're not very shy when it comes to those things. So when we have tons of conversations and I pick up on little cues that you give off, and that's just one of the things being around you, enough I can tell. So, yeah, I mean, I think most people could probably pick up on it. Pick up on it.

Lena: 26:50

It's harder to identify sometimes your own, I think because we're not constantly observing ourselves, unless we've become really good at kind of strengthening the observer in us to look at a situation from a higher perspective. But if you're not, you're just kind of in your groove, you're just doing your thing. So it does take some time to kind of reflect. Yeah, you know.

Lena: 27:12

So what are some of the ways that we can do that? And so we have some a list of things like a like, with certainty. It's like thinking about a time when you feel you felt completely safe and at peace. What was going on, what contributed to that feeling of being safe and at peace? And the thing is to realize, like, how often are you seeking out those types of situations or environments to create that sense of safety? Like, how important is that for you? That it's like I'm going in, I need to have a sense of safety, I need to know what's going on. You know all the time.

Lena: 27:47

So I think, just being able one you can journal, you know, take these, some of these questions, we'll put them in the show notes, but be able to look at them and just you know, kind of write down and just it's just a self reflection so you can identify what your own core needs are. And then, with uncertainty and variety, it's like recalling a moment when you felt exhilarated by a new experience or change. So what was happening? Why did it excite you?

Noel: 28:10

Yeah, why are you looking for the thrill?

Lena: 28:12

Yeah, and are you often finding yourself looking for the thrill you know looking for to get out of your routine?

Noel: 28:22

you know, For the variety, yeah, and significance.

Lena: 28:28

Reflecting on occasions where you felt so valued and so important.

Noel: 28:36

Yeah, finding the context and what actions or recognitions you made to feel this way.

Lena: 28:40

And how important is that for you to receive acknowledgement and validation from others?

Noel: 28:45

Yeah, it's so important to be recognized. A lot of people want to be heard and seen.

Lena: 28:51

Well, the funny thing with all of these is we all have these needs, all of them. These are basic needs, right, for all of us as humans. Yeah, it's not that you're not like, oh, I don't ever want to feel significant. We all want to be. Oh yeah, we all want to feel significant, want to be seen, we want to be heard, but it's really recognizing which of them really pull you more and you find yourself spending more of your time seeking that experience.

Noel: 29:18

Yeah, I even took the time to rank mine, in a sense, for me, just to see how they ranked in level of importance to me.

Lena: 29:24

Yeah, you know what I think that's a good way to do it. It's really you're not going to be like that. One's not for me, they're all probably for you.

Noel: 29:31

on some level. Yeah, on some level.

Lena: 29:32

But rank them, you know, one to six, Because you're going to all of them are are necessary. The big one is with connection. Yeah, and you know there was a an article in a study that came out about connection in 2022. And it was, by nature, human behavior and it found that social isolation was connected to a 32% higher risk of all cause mortality. So that's huge. So it's, you know, it's the loneliness. It was associated with a 14% increase in mortality risk and then likelihood of dying from things like cancer or cardiovascular disease by 24 to 34%. So connection is so important for us as humans, you know, to be able to find community or to be, you know, even in close relationships with friends or loved ones, just to be able to have connection, to be able to talk with someone or bounce ideas off someone, to laugh with someone, is really, really important to our own mortality. On a physiological level.

Noel: 30:38

Yeah.

Lena: 30:39

Yeah.

Noel: 30:40

I mean, that's an incredible statistic that you know.

Lena: 30:44

I don't think we're aware of it. You know, you think about COVID and everything that happened. There was just such isolation.

Noel: 30:49

Oh man.

Lena: 30:50

Detrimental to our mental health and to our health just in general. So really considering, like you know, connection, whether it's one of your top one or two, it's still an important one for all of us.

Noel: 31:04

And we have less and less of it now, with all these apps and things that don't require us to be face-to-face. Well, many of us, working from home right.

Lena: 31:12

So I love working from home absolutely, but, like, for me, I create community experiences, or one of the things I started offering at Serenity Cove was specifically connection experiences is to like be with the person that you, you know, want to come in with and do something mindfully to actually connect, you know, through meditation, breath, work, but it's so important and you just see people like it's connection from heart to heart, you know, not just on a superficial level, but yeah, just being able to be with other people is super important to your mental health.

Noel: 31:52

Yeah.

Lena: 31:52

Yeah, and the other one was growth?

Noel: 31:56

Yeah, considering a time where you deeply engaged in learning something new or improving a skill.

Lena: 32:01

Yeah, what pursue? What drove you to pursue this growth and how did it make you feel?

Noel: 32:07

Yeah, do you. Do you set, currently set goals for personal development?

Lena: 32:11

Yeah, yeah, and that's. That's definitely one that's an important one for me, but definitely if it's even if it's not one of your top one or two, is just to consider that it is one of the six.

Noel: 32:21

Yeah, and it's a core need that, while these other ones may be triggering and and seem more important, it doesn't mean that these other ones don't have any significance.

Lena: 32:34

No, they're all on your list is just which one or two are the most important, and really being aware of that, being aware that these are the things that are important to you, and how do you then find ways to bring that into your life Right?

Noel: 32:47

Yeah.

Lena: 32:47

And then contribution, like definitely one of the six, being able to kind of be with other people and contribute in a way that you know it can. It can just bring such fulfillment to some degree, whether it's like talking to your neighbor and doing something nice for your neighbor or doing something nice for a stranger, even if it's not on the level of like I have to change something in the world and contribute in this way. It's just little mini contributions to the people that we're around are really important. They're very nurturing. Sometimes the best way to get out of you know, depression is to go serve, to go help somewhere else.

Noel: 33:26

To give.

Lena: 33:27

To give. Yeah, it can be very healing and it also ties in with connection. You know you don't contribute really in isolation, whether or not you're doing it anonymously or not You're still. You're still contributing, you're still finding a way to connect with other people or causes. So what are some of the tips Like? Because when we're talking about this and we want, what I really want people to do is to be able to take an actionable, you know tip like reflection with journaling.

Noel: 34:00

And journaling is probably the most important or the tool that I use most frequently, maybe writing like about each one of these and seeing which one connects to you most. You know, using some of these We'll put them in the show notes, the questions that kind of stimulate and get those things moving for you, so you can see if we're some of these aligned for you, ranking them one through six and just seeing what's most important to you.

Lena: 34:26

Yeah, I think you know we're always going to say like feel into your body, when do you feel? Something light you up, or you feel like, yeah, that's it, you know, and really paying attention and being able, being able to find ways to meet your own needs and the you know, knowing what the needs around, with the other people around you are.

Noel: 34:45

Yeah, I think that's one that I was thinking about. Just now too was just the way you said that I picked up on. Maybe easier for me to recognize you than for you to recognize your own. Maybe you make that your own little thing where you're just going around going. I wonder what the core needs are of my son.

Noel: 35:02

What's the core need of my wife and see, yeah, try to fulfill those needs and see how things change. Yeah, be aware of it. Be aware of it, yeah, yeah. Actionable steps making positive change in our life and our homes and making people feel seen and heard and fulfilling their core needs. I think most people would love for that. I mean, I would love it, yeah.

Lena: 35:26

Yeah, I love it. So this was. I think it was a good topic and if anybody has any questions or you have any comments about core needs and maybe how to identify them in yourselves or others like, please send us a comment and we'd love to hear from you. All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel. And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them in a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo or visit our website serenitycovetomekulacom.