Let That Shift Go
This Shift Doesn't Make Sense: Choosing a Familiar Hell Over an Unknown Heaven
Have you ever felt chained to patterns in your life that seem to replay like a broken record, yet can't quite figure out how to stop the music? That's what we're unpacking today, as we venture into the hidden alleys of our past and present choices. We've all been there, in that space where the familiar becomes a little too cozy, even when it's not what's best for us. Noel and Lena lead the way through unraveling the complexities of our relationships, dissecting the threads of our upbringing, and the impact of our need for safety on the decisions we make.
As your guides on this journey, we don't just talk at you—we talk with you. Together, we grapple with the mirage of self-worth, peel back the emotions beneath our reactions, and embrace tools like the RAIN technique to understand our triggers. We recognize the fixer in all of us, sometimes at the cost of our own care, and learn the art of nurturing ourselves. Acknowledging the patterns we've lugged from childhood to adulthood, this episode is a call to arms against the cycles that hold us back, championing the belief that we are all inherently enough.
Wrapping up, we take that daunting leap towards authenticity, challenging the allure of the shiny facades we've been taught to value. We delve into the importance of honoring our personal journey, setting boundaries lovingly, and the transformative power of saying 'no'. As we draw the curtain, we leave you with the courage to trust your path, armed with the support of a community that champions self-compassion and growth. Join Noelle and Lina in this heart-to-heart, which is more than a conversation; it's a transformation waiting to happen.
Have you ever felt chained to patterns in your life that seem to replay like a broken record, yet can't quite figure out how to stop the music? That's what we're unpacking today, as we venture into the hidden alleys of our past and present choices. We've all been there, in that space where the familiar becomes a little too cozy, even when it's not what's best for us. Noel and Lena lead the way through unraveling the complexities of our relationships, dissecting the threads of our upbringing, and the impact of our need for safety on the decisions we make.
As your guides on this journey, we don't just talk at you—we talk with you. Together, we grapple with the mirage of self-worth, peel back the emotions beneath our reactions, and embrace tools like the RAIN technique to understand our triggers. We recognize the fixer in all of us, sometimes at the cost of our own care, and learn the art of nurturing ourselves. Acknowledging the patterns we've lugged from childhood to adulthood, this episode is a call to arms against the cycles that hold us back, championing the belief that we are all inherently enough.
Wrapping up, we take that daunting leap towards authenticity, challenging the allure of the shiny facades we've been taught to value. We delve into the importance of honoring our personal journey, setting boundaries lovingly, and the transformative power of saying 'no'. As we draw the curtain, we leave you with the courage to trust your path, armed with the support of a community that champions self-compassion and growth. Join Noelle and Lina in this heart-to-heart, which is more than a conversation; it's a transformation waiting to happen.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noelle.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. And on this week's episode why doesn't this shift make sense? Sometimes we're just confused. We get to a point where we feel stuck. We feel like we're just sitting in it.
Speaker 2:But first, let's get into these skin deep cards. All right, let's do it. You want to go first? Sure, okay.
Speaker 3:If you could change one thing about the way you were raised.
Speaker 1:what would it be and why? Well?
Speaker 2:Just one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess it's safety. Yeah. Like a safe space, having you know at least one safe space in the home? Yeah, because you can't expect it to always be safe. Yeah, Because you can't expect it to always be safe. Yeah, but I think, having somebody who could hold space in the house. I wish we would have had something like that.
Speaker 2:Like a place to just rest comfortably, no matter what.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's important. I think that's what I feel is important to me actually is just finding that safety within my home. Yeah, you know, like we talked about laying the swords down, because we need one place when we come home, we can just be ourselves. Yeah. So I didn't feel like. I felt it was so competitive in the house and it was so sarcastic and everything was just, you know, such chaos.
Speaker 2:You had to be on guard all the time. Have your swords out, yeah.
Speaker 1:And the shield. Oh yeah, all right.
Speaker 2:And wield it yourself.
Speaker 1:Okay, my question is if you could have something of mine, what would it be and why?
Speaker 2:Well, if I could have something, oh, I would say it's definitely your ability to just fix anything I love that or build something, but I love that if there's something broke, I know I can be like Noelle how do we do this? And you will just figure it out.
Speaker 1:I think you do that on your own too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I try to jerry-rig it. It doesn't come as natural.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I have in a sense. You know, we were folding clothes the other day and I have a difficult time folding like long shirts or sweaters and stuff like, because you know Ellen made a comment. She goes you're just so like I don't know what was her word. It was you're just so I don't know. She used a word. Just like, you just manhandle things. You know, there's no finesse. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I do see that you know. So when you say like I just do things and I jerry-rig them, I do kind of feel like I do things and I'm a perfectionist, so I like to get them done, but I can't always. I'm not an artist, I can't do the fine things, but I can get it close enough. But I usually need to collaborate with somebody. And that's what Ralph was for me was like oh, I can get us this far and I need somebody else to kind of just like dial that in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's. That's one thing I would like to have that you have. Is you're able to? Just, I know that if I couldn't figure it out, I'd be like Noel, how do you do?
Speaker 1:this, so I would. If I didn't know, I would try to find out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, resource All right. So why doesn't this shift make sense? Yeah, I know some people have noticed that you tend to gravitate towards. You know what feels familiar even when it's not necessarily good for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's repeating like patterns and relationships and it. You know, this came up as a discussion because I heard this thing that talks about how we will always, will oftentimes, choose a comfortable hell over an unknown heaven, and that is so true.
Speaker 2:We will often choose a comfortable hell over an unfamiliar heaven, and you see this in relationships a lot. I mean, even if you talk to any number of people and the person who's like, why do I always end up in this type of job? Or you're in a relationship that just your nervous system is constantly wrecked right, or it's an abusive relationship or a relationship with an addictive partner, and while that might make sense to you as an adult person who thinks that well, I should be able to make good decisions and choose good relationships or good situations, is subconsciously will often choose the thing that feels familiar. So it's really having to ask yourself what is familiar to you. So if you look at a relationship and think, like for someone who is in an abusive relationship, what did your relationship look like at home as?
Speaker 1:a child. What did you see and experience and what were you exposed to as a child?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, when were you revved up to all the time Like was, was there chaos all the time Was? Were you trying to constantly kind of mitigate? You know, everyone's personality or their, their anger or whatever, and it became that, becomes that, can become very familiar. So oftentimes we'll choose a partner who kind of mirrors the relationship we grew up with at home, unknowing, like subconsciously, subconsciously.
Speaker 2:Nobody's going to go. Oh, you know, I would love to have a partner who is an addict, or or who is, you know, just constantly flying off the handle or who's angry. You're not. We're not looking for those things, but subconsciously we'll seek out what's familiar we're not looking for those things, but subconsciously we'll seek out what's familiar, and so if you are used to being in a situation that feels unsafe because that actually is comfortable, it doesn't mean it's joyful.
Speaker 2:It just means it's comfortable, it's familiar, it's what you know and so oftentimes pick to pick, you know, create situations or pick people or relationships who mimic that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I also feel like we tend to want to feel that same feeling, the not so good feeling. We're like seeking that because, even though it's not a good feeling, we're used to it and it puts us in like. For me, it would put me into a place of like. Okay, I got to control the situation. This is how, like you call me for help? Okay, this is what we got to do here. I got to take control because that's what I had to do as a kid.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's. I mean, I see it all the time with talking to people and really if you're watching, you know, if you're, if you're in any level of awareness yourself, you start to really see the patterns pretty easily and a lot of people are just walking around just kind of repeating the same things. On another level, I do believe, like you know, we come here to learn lessons and sometimes on a soul level, it's like you're seeking to solve that lesson or to come to the other side of it and if you didn't, you know, obviously as a child or in the household it's part of you is like I want to, you know, kind of be in that situation again and get to the other side of it and fix this person.
Speaker 2:If I could just fix them, then it'll all be better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's that kind of I don't know. It seems like a curse sometimes Because you know we seek the things that will heal us but they're not necessarily like the medicine. It's not going to it's not a salve.
Speaker 2:It almost hurts us more so that we figure it out. Yeah, I feel like those lessons will show up again and again until you realize what's going on and you sort of graduate Because our yeah, our nervous system and we're just.
Speaker 1:I was dysregulated always when I was a kid, so being in a dysregulated home where I feel dysregulated- Feels normal, Feels normal, and in part he's like well, I know how to do that. Yeah, because I know how to operate in that.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I feel it's not necessarily safe. No, I'm looking for safety.
Speaker 2:But that's the thing. You're looking for safety. So then you stay in a state of I'm looking for safety.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your nervous system is automatically going to seek out that yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not going to be like. Oh, I know what it feels like to be safe, so I want to just continue that.
Speaker 1:It just seems counterintuitive, it seems like it's totally counterintuitive. My intuition should be choosing somebody who is actually quote unquote safe for me.
Speaker 2:We're just drawn to situations or people that resemble what we've known in the past. So, even if those patterns are not serving us, it just can lead to a cycle of repeating those relationships and behavior that mirror our early experiences, and that's, whether they're positive or negative, right. So it's just bringing an awareness to that. But how do you do it? Right, because it does require kind of a deep level of self-awareness and I don't know. I think a lot of the things that we talk about on this podcast of coming into an aware state. How do we do that?
Speaker 2:Well, a lot of times you can just check in with your body. Like we've talked about in the past is when you feel triggered or you feel like something you know there's something really unhealthy going on. You'll feel that kind of anxiety, panic, rage, whatever that's going on in your body. And being able to check in with that and really do the RAIN method right, which is, recognize that something's happening, allow the feeling to be there and then investigate what is this about? When was the first time I've ever felt?
Speaker 1:this Go to the source of it.
Speaker 2:Go to the source of it and nurture it.
Speaker 1:So it seems very simple, but at the same time, it's not when you're in a reactive pattern and you're just constantly reacting to your environment. Yeah, your brain's wired for survival, yep.
Speaker 2:So until you find those ways to be able to find some stillness, some space in between the stimulus and the response, you'll constantly just be in reactivity instead of being able to respond appropriately.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I find it's like, you know, choice mapping, where you get to a point where you got to make a choice and you're going to go to like, oh, this is familiar and safe and this is what I'm used to. I'm going to keep doing this because I've been able to manage this so far, but then you might wake up 10 years later and be like why am I stuck in this?
Speaker 2:over and over. Yeah, so I mean, how about for you? Have you noticed any patterns in your life? You talked about wanting to be in a safe space.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, growing up I feel like you know what's most present with me now is I've been doing a lot of deep, you know subterranean work, just going in on that inner child and all that stuff and you know the mother wound is like the one of the big. I feel like everybody as a whole, or just people this is my community or my family I kind of felt like there's a lot of things happening and people all saw it but nobody saved me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, nobody came, nobody told me hey, I know what's happening, you know, it kind of felt like everybody just ignored it and kind of brushed it under the rug, and so I feel that pattern today. It's a trigger for me when I feel that my feelings are being invalidated or people don't understand why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't feel safe. It brings me back to that as a kid, feeling helpless, watching my mom getting beat up or whatever it is that was happening. It was like I felt so helpless and I wanted somebody to come and save me and help me, and so that never came.
Speaker 1:And so as an adult, it's kind of that repetitive pattern of like okay, something, I'm not comfortable with a certain situation. I'm feeling just totally dysregulated. I don't know how to handle this. When I started to go and do the rain technique, I started to recognize what is this really going on with me? And I just started allowing it to feel at all. And it was like you know, I have a hard time asking for help. That's one of my biggest flaws, which is why I know how to fix everything, because I just I'm going to go, I'm going to figure it out myself. Yeah, so I'm recognizing that. That's while it has been a trait that maybe you would like to have, the cost to get. There was great, Grave cost to get to that place. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of by yourself trying to figure it out, feeling all alone in it, and just I got to get it done. I got to get it done, I got to get it done, I got to get it done.
Speaker 2:Well, what I'm noticing too is like when you were talking about this particular issue right with wanting to feel safe and realizing now that this is based on a deep hurt Before the work that you've done what I would see was that you would just kind of be angry and then take it out on everyone. And then, so that was the reactivity, right. So it's like well, how did you deal with it? Well then you would get angry because there's this trigger here and that trigger would lead to the gunfire, right. And now the thing is, when you go into it and you're like what is this? What's actually going on? Well, now there's an opportunity to be able to work on it and to be able to recognize okay, I'm feeling deeply hurt. Actually, I'm angry.
Speaker 2:Angry is usually covering up something like sadness, and so now that you've been able to recognize what's really going on and address the sadness and be able to inquire when was this? And now you can trace it back to like actually, as a kid, I didn't feel safe. I felt like things were happening to me and nobody came to stand up for me, and that was deeply painful. And now you're trying to nurture that part of yourself and bring it back, I would say you're so much less reactive and angry. You know, nobody's perfect, but there's a level of awareness on why that's there. Perfect, but there's a level of awareness on why that's there, which is the difference from someone who's just subconsciously, you know, finding themselves in situations over and over, or staying in a situation that is constantly triggering them or constantly leading them into anxiety or depression or whatever that is and down the spiral goes, you know. So the difference is just having a level of awareness and then needing to do something about it. Is that easy?
Speaker 1:No, no, Because my brain is programmed to. You can fix it, you can fix it, you can fix it.
Speaker 1:I'm going to call myself and well how am I going to fix it? And so it's led me into I don't know. It's almost feels like a trap of like. We talk about manifestation and thinking of power, of positivity and all those things, and I was trying to stay positive that these things can happen for me, and I believe that. But at the same time there's some universal truth that still remains, that you don't have control over anybody but yourself. Right.
Speaker 1:And I think I really believe that's the ultimate lesson for me is that I need to let go of that. Yeah. That I can fix anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's kind of one of the issues, like you figure out what the problem is or what you feel the problem is in that moment of like this is why I feel this way. This is what's happening for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you don't get to change the other people that are involved. No, and it's like well, if you just knew that this is what's happening and I don't, yeah, but honestly, the only person who can save you is you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Mike Field said something like helping other people is an active neglect of yourself or trying to help, it was something like that, and I was like, wow, I do always try to help somebody else. Or fixing other people is an active neglect of yourself. Or trying to help, it was something like that.
Speaker 2:And I was like, wow, I do always try to help somebody else or fixing other people. Fixing other people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this one is not. It's been so wound up on fix trying to fix somebody else, but it's really it's just me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you don't have control over anybody else.
Speaker 1:No, it's that wound that I need to really sit with and recognize that I am safe you know, and the safety is within myself, and holding space.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how do I keep myself safe?
Speaker 1:Yeah, how do I keep myself safe? Because that's another tool that I'm just working on honing and getting you know, stronger and stronger.
Speaker 2:The safety is not in the hands of someone else, and if it is, then there's some work to do for yourself. Yeah. You know, because that's the thing, like if for somebody who is in an abusive relationship or who's, you know, in a job where they're constantly have to prove themselves. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so they'll seek jobs where they constantly have to prove themselves. Likely, in childhood, there may have that may have been a pattern even with your parents where you had to constantly prove yourself, constantly prove your worth. So there's a repeating pattern until you wake up to the fact that actually I'm enough and how I'm doing this is enough. You're not going to. You may not be able to fix your employer and say, hey, quit expecting so much from me. But if you find that you're in sort of an abusive, hostile relationship with your employer, what are your choices?
Speaker 1:Yeah, People who take advantage of you are going to. They have no limits.
Speaker 2:They're going to just do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're just going to keep asking until you say no, yeah, and I've been, you know, in almost every job that I've done. I've stuck around for a long time, you know, reached the height of my position and all that stuff, but I always was in a position where they fully took advantage of my time and I felt like they didn't respect my time and all that. You know, and you said something earlier about earning or trying to, you know, prove your worth and I found myself a lot doing that, you know, especially like helping other people is, you know, trying to prove that I'm worthy of saving. I see myself all the time.
Speaker 1:I catch myself sometimes if I help another person and if I'm at a time of need and they're not there for me, then I go into a little bit of a funk like, oh, why wasn't that reciprocated?
Speaker 1:And it's not necessarily about the other person. The other person may not be capable or in a space where they can hold that for me, but I kind of have this expectation, like I'm doing this so that when I need it whether it be for, you know, emotional wellness or fixing a car, I don't know you know that I'm going to get that in return Because my whole life I've done things you know, installed engines and all these for a burrito, like literally Like yeah, you come over this weekend, just buy me some lunch and I'll put in a whole car stereo system or whatever I used to do in the back in the days, and I would do it for my friends. I wouldn't take money and I realized my relationship with the money was a little funky too. So proving worth and people pleasing is something that I've been recognizing more and more about myself and the pattern and that I'm stuck in it and getting to a place where you need to make a choice that's not so familiar and, like you said that choosing that unfamiliar heaven is very scary.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, because you know how to do what you're doing, even if it's painful and it's not healthy. If you've been doing it for a long time, it's like well, I know how to do this. If you want me to change that, that's like whoa. That's a completely unknown situation and I know. For me, if I look back on when was I staying in an unhealthy pattern? I would say it's back with Armando and I before we split. There was a very long time that I was not happy, but I became okay with feeling like, in some ways, I was dominated. I was told what to do. I could submit, I could do this, I could do that. I really didn't have a voice.
Speaker 1:Just kind of going with the flow.
Speaker 2:I was just going to go with the flow. And why was that? For me? It wasn't because I watched my parents do it For me. It was because I had told myself a story that anything less than perfection on the outside meant failure. And I wasn't willing to fail because I was so hell-bent on not looking like a failure, Because that would mean I'm not worthy. I totally screwed it up.
Speaker 2:It wasn't shiny enough it wasn't shiny enough, and so I stayed sort of unhappy and not willing to speak up, because I knew how to do that. It's like I knew that I was not happy, but I did know how to do it. I knew how to stay in it and just shut myself up and, you know, take the pill and go, be quiet and sit in the corner, but at some point, that wasn't okay, and the thing for me that made me go well, you know what this is a familiar level of hell like for what I felt, the unknown was really scary. Like, well, how will I do this on my own? How will I speak up for myself? How will I go to school? How will I push back?
Speaker 2:And for a while, I just tried to shut that all up, which led to depression, because it was a lack of self-expression. And at some point, though, the thing that changed for me was is this a relationship I want my daughters to emulate in their relationships? Yeah, to always submit, to always deny who you are, to just go with the flow in order to make everything look perfect, and there was no way I could say that that was a yes. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so that became a push to go into the uncomfortable zone. You know which was the unknown. I don't have any idea how I'm going to do this. I don't know if I'm going to, but it was so shiny, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:It was super shiny you had everything. Everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, I seen somebody talk the other day and they were saying about how you know, when you see people wear these diamonds and all these flashy jewelry. I just expect that it's real. I just take you for what it is. It's nice and shiny, but until somebody puts up one of those diamond testers, if there's no substance, it just all falls apart.
Speaker 1:So you can be as shiny as you want on the outside, but if there's no substance behind it, if you're sitting in that familiar it's a house of cards. Yeah, it's going to fall apart. Yeah, it's a house of cards. Yeah, it's going to fall apart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was a house of cards. I mean, it was a really pretty house but it was a house of cards. So that was the push for me and it was scary, but it came at like it wasn't about me. It really was about. In some ways it was about me because I was really depressed and I thought I can't live like this.
Speaker 2:So that's like death, you know, on some levels but, also, the push was really like I don't want to emulate this for my kids and so I have to do something different. And that kind of gave me more of the courage to just push through and just do something different. Um, because I knew like even if I fail, I can stand on that. You know that. That that this was, this is what I was trying to do was just be me, just be authentically myself and however the cards fell on that, that was okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it ended up being the best thing you know ever really was to go and do that, but definitely there was a draw to stay in that.
Speaker 1:What was the draw? What was the motivation? Was it family, the kids, to stay in it?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm Was to keep looking shiny Like it was, to keep up this facade in some way.
Speaker 1:But it was a cubic zirconia.
Speaker 2:It was a cubic zirconia. I mean, on the outside you'd be like, oh, everything's wonderful. And then at nighttime, when I'd go to bed, it was like, oh my gosh, I'm depressed and it's like I can't get doing this. This is not sustainable for life. And two, like I said, it just was not something I would want my kids to emulate in relationship was to deny who they are in order to stay in relationship.
Speaker 1:That wasn't okay, and you had traced it back to like the source of it for you is your own story that you told.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the source of it for me was trying to maintain a look of perfection or that I was not a failure, and you know that was a story I was sticking to.
Speaker 1:Our family kind of did that, I think. Yeah. I mean, we did push everything under the rug and just make it, try to make it as shiny as it could be.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:In the hood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:We were ghetto fabulous.
Speaker 2:Well, or we. You know, we didn't come from much.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so you like, well, if I have all the things, then that means that I've made it and I'm happy. And it's like, oh, actually I have all the things and I'm not happy, like it came at the expense of me, you know. And there comes a point where that's just it's not okay, it's not sustainable, and I think a lot of people who get to maybe even some level of success that's built on expectations that weren't even their own kind of find themselves in that place of like yeah, but I know how to do this, I don't know how to do the scary thing, which is to go take a leap.
Speaker 1:So what was the? How did you find the courage to do the scary thing?
Speaker 2:Because that part is.
Speaker 2:that's the hard part, I think you know to get to that part, yeah, I think at that point I had a very small level of self-awareness, which was I this is actually making me sick mentally and that I knew was not. I couldn't do that. That's really the level of awareness I had. I did not have. Oh, this is because I've told everyone that everything's perfect. Yeah, I was not at that level of awareness. Yeah, I really was just at like that whole death diagnosis, divorce, right, it was. That is what made me U-turned. And then awareness came later.
Speaker 1:And then that's finding compassion and going into yourself and touching in all those stories.
Speaker 2:Yeah, realizing what are the stories I've been telling myself, like one of the repeating patterns that I lived with for a long time was and unknowingly was good things fall apart. So actually I had this story in my head that man, when things are good, it means something's going to fall apart. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that was definitely a repeating story in my head. And if something wasn't falling apart, i's going to fall apart. So that was definitely a repeating story in my head, and if something wasn't falling apart, I would make something fall apart or I would see like there it is, see Something's, you know, it's not going well. So I realized for me that was a repeating pattern, because I think, with in our family, with our mom and dad, you know, I as a kid, like up until the age of four, thought man, this is amazing, right as much as a four-year-old can think. And then suddenly it just blew to pieces. So that was the thing I was actually trying to avoid, but I actually drew in the relationship that would be like that, you know the oh, everything looks great and then it's going to fall to pieces. So it was a repeating pattern. Yes, it can be very insidious, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think the work is really just kind of sitting down and looking at the repeating patterns in your life, like what's the story you keep telling yourself about, whatever situation you're in, whether it's work, whether it's money, whether it's relationship.
Speaker 1:You got to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself and for others along the way.
Speaker 2:And just bring a level of awareness and courage to look. And the thing is, sometimes people don't want to look because it means they may have to make a change. But is that change necessary in order for the full expression of you and the health of your family, the health of yourself?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, don't be afraid to look. I think that's also an issue with a lot of people is I don't want to look too hard, because what if I find something and it's like, okay, maybe.
Speaker 1:Maybe just surround yourself with a positive community, something more aligned with what you're into, yeah, or a safe place to just be able to talk with what you're into, yeah, or a safe place to just be able to talk, you know sometimes all you need is an empathetic witness to be able to witness you and allow you to talk and just move through.
Speaker 2:you know, I don't know. Those are some of the things like just watching people move through patterns over and over again. It feels like it's so obvious but, I, realize it's not obvious to everyone. It's not obvious to everyone that they're moving through the same lesson over and over, just with sometimes with just different characters coming in.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know the same kind of partners. You choose jobs that you choose money losses. You know all of that is like. Is this a repeating pattern and how familiar is it?
Speaker 1:Create new patterns. Yeah, you know. Yeah, find that positivity, believe in yourself, cause it's possible to have that growth to move past.
Speaker 2:I mean the things that you end up having to do with. You know, maybe if you're ready to dive in and you have to you start to do some self-reflection and you start to recognize some patterns like what are the things that you can do? Right, what are some of the small steps that you can do If you find that you're people pleasing all the time because it kept you safe to make everyone else around you happy at your own expense, and you find yourself in this loop over and over again, like, okay, what are some things you can do? One recognize the pattern, recognize what is the feeling that's there and allow that to be there. Right, the investigation is how familiar is this? When was the first time nurturing it? All right, cool, I've done that. Now what do I do? So here's some things you can do. You start setting boundaries. You start saying no and everybody loves the word boundaries now, but simply saying no when you mean no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the boundaries aren't for other people, they're actually for yourself, your own personal boundaries, because you can't control other people. So I always assumed like setting boundaries, while I'm setting a boundary for you, you can't do this to me. That doesn't work, because nobody. I've found that to be absolutely false. So you must set your own boundaries and be gentle with yourself. What does that mean for you?
Speaker 2:So you must set your own boundaries and be gentle with yourself. What does that mean for you if you say you set your own boundaries, not setting a boundary for someone else, Because I haven't in my mind what that means, but what does that mean? I mean for myself.
Speaker 1:I see it, as I would interpret it, as setting my own, knowing my own limitations with what I can handle and not handle, and I'm, you know, sticking to those setting a boundary for myself. Well, if this happens, if this made me mad that somebody asked for this, the next time I need to set a boundary for myself. Don't always say yes. If you have other things to do, don't say yes to this person because you need to prioritize yourself. You got tons, you have so much stuff to get done for you, but I never say no to anybody who's asking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the thing it's like when I picture setting a boundary. Now what I realized is because I would say yes all the time to things and then I'd be like why am I doing this? I don't want to do it? Well then, why Nobody wants you to do it when you didn't want to do it anyway. Right, the energy of that exchange is not good. So pretty soon it was like okay, I recognize that this is a thing this people pleasing and wanting things to look perfect and do this and that was unhealthy for me and saying no and just saying you know what I'm not available that day or no, I can't host this or do. That was okay, and I did it because that's what felt like was taking care of myself. Did that always feel good to my nervous system in the beginning?
Speaker 1:No, that's the familiar.
Speaker 2:Yes, because the pattern was that you do it to make other people happy. So it did take some repatterning where I had to realize like, oh, actually it's okay to take care of myself, it's okay to say no to things that I'm not, I don't wanna do. Yeah, it does definitely get easier to say no, it does. And the other thing is like letting go of what someone thinks about that, because actually that what they think about it, has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1:Well, also, don't over-explain why you can't do something. Yeah. Because then you start to get into the place where you're proving your worth and all these things that-.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh yeah, I mean, I remember Because that's where I always that's my pattern.
Speaker 2:I would send it, like if somebody's asking I send a text, no, and I'd be like because that, that, that, that, that, that, that that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I looked at it and I was like, no, no, that's the people, pleaser. That's the part where you have to repattern that and be okay with that. You took care of yourself. That was enough. That's like this is the boundary that I'm setting is am I taking care of myself in this situation, yes or no? Yes, then that's enough. That's all it needs to be, you know, is to just be able to do that. And then the other part of that is the same thing we're talking about is really just practicing assertive communication.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think that's where you talked about, with not over-explaining, yeah, not over- that's where you talked about with not over explaining.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not over explaining. Less is more, really focusing in on just how you feel. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when you say no, don't give like, don't give like a loophole, you know, or don't lie, just say, yeah, I just it's it does. That doesn't work for me. Yeah, don't over explain, andain, and lie, because you're creating a loophole.
Speaker 1:And if they, you know, cinch their way into the loophole it's going to come across.
Speaker 2:It's going to come across. Also, when you do that, you know, and you do it with love and you're, you're totally present with it and you're like this doesn't mean I don't like you or don't care about you. It just means that I'm just not okay with it. I can't do it.
Speaker 1:Well, it's an opportunity for that particular relationship to grow a little. Yes, because if you're feeling the discomfort that you have to say no, that may be just a little sign that says, hey, this person pulls a little too much from you. It feels like an energy vampire. Yeah. You know, yeah, Maybe it doesn't. I mean you don't always have to say no. I don't always say no yeah, but I know when it's in my heart I'm like ah. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I know I got a lot of other stuff and I really want to say yes, but I've slowly been finding ways to say no. No, I'm not perfect at it.
Speaker 2:No me neither.
Speaker 1:People-pleasing is a part of who I am.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, it's part rewarding For me. I get immediate gratification because I see the smile. It's like the best paycheck. All of that it's the best. But long-term it's not Long-term. We're avoiding and neglecting ourselves.
Speaker 2:Well, the other thing is, I think when we show up that way, authentically, like saying no and it's, it's not, you know, I don't like you or I don't care about pleasing you, it's just no, this isn't okay for me and that's pretty much it is, then it may give that other person permission to do the same for themselves and they may be like you know, she said no, but I don't. It's, it wasn't personal. I mean, my no is not personal, yeah, and that might give them the opportunity to be like. You know, I can do that too. I don't always have to acquiesce to every request. I can say no when it's healthy for me to say no, when I'm overextended or I'm tired or whatever it is. It's just to be able to say no and you're giving other people permission to do the same. Yeah, other people permission to do the same, you know. So, like, spread that instead of people pleasing to your own detriment, you know, is just to be able to do that and do it with love.
Speaker 2:The energy of why you say no can be carried across as like this is how I'm honoring myself and I'm honoring you because, believe me, you don't want me to show up to this thing when I resent it you know in some way, so don't do it.
Speaker 1:Don't do it, that energy is not going to come across good. Yeah, you know in some way, so don't do it. Yeah, don't do it, that energy is not going to come across good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and, like you said, supporting yourself with supportive communities yeah, you know is a big piece of that, just opening yourself up to new experiences, new connections.
Speaker 1:Yeah, create good routines.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, rewrite your own story. You can do this with persistence. Yeah, it may not be easy. Yeah, courage, persistence, healing and growth are possible. But just be gentle with yourself and trust your journey.
Speaker 1:You are enough, you've always been enough. Yeah, all right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel and I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel and.
Speaker 2:I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.