The Hidden Cost of Expectations: Building Better Relationships

Are unspoken expectations silently sabotaging your relationships? This episode of Let That Shift Go podcast unpacks the complexities of unspoken expectations versus boundaries. We start with an engaging warm-up using skin deep cards to reveal personal truths, which sets a reflective tone for our conversation. Drawing inspiration from Neil Strauss's poignant quote about premeditated resentments, Noel and Lena dive into the differences between boundaries—personal limits we set for self-protection—and expectations, which are often unrealistic assumptions about others' behavior. Through relatable scenarios like discomfort with physical touch or the irritation of early morning calls, we illustrate how clear communication can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and ensure harmony in relationships.

Why do some relationships suffer from silent tensions while others thrive on open communication? We explore this question as we navigate the nuances of expectations and communication in both personal and professional settings. From understanding why loved ones may not call regularly to the complexities of love languages, we uncover how different individuals perceive acts of love and attention. Shifting to the workplace, we highlight how unspoken expectations can lead to resentment and conflict. Sharing our own experiences, we emphasize the importance of using "I" statements to express our feelings and needs, thereby fostering a healthier dialogue and minimizing conflicts.

Ever felt invalidated during a conversation or uncertain about how to approach a tough discussion? We wrap up by discussing the critical role of validation in effective communication. Validating someone's perspective doesn't mean you agree with them; it simply prevents ego clashes and fosters a mutual understanding. We also provide practical tips for navigating difficult conversations, such as choosing the right time and setting, and using breathing exercises to maintain calm. We challenge you to identify and articulate your unspoken expectations in your relationships to enhance understanding and connection. Don't forget to reach out with your questions and join us on social media for future engaging discussions!

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Transcript

Noel: 0:06

Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noelle.

Lena: 0:10

And I'm Lina.

Noel: 0:11

And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.

Lena: 0:17

We just talk mad shift.

Noel: 0:19

Let's get into it. And on this week's episode, what the hell are unspoken expectations?

Lena: 0:27

Boundaries versus expectations.

Noel: 0:30

But first let's get into these skin deep cards.

Lena: 0:33

Yep, let's do it.

Noel: 0:34

You want to go first? I'll go first, okay.

Lena: 0:38

What do you know is absolutely true about you?

Noel: 0:44

What is absolutely true about me? Why should that be so hard? I feel like I'm put on the spot. What is absolutely true, gosh? That you have to really be honest with yourself, because some of those things don't come.

Lena: 1:03

Yeah, Some things you can waver on, but you're like oh yeah absolutely.

Noel: 1:06

A hundred percent true.

Lena: 1:09

I mean, it's easy for me to come up with one about you, but coming up with one about yourself.

Noel: 1:15

Yeah, you know doing it, but for my like, if I, yeah, that's something totally different, something absolutely true about myself. Wow, I'm kind of put on the spot here. I'm feeling like what is absolutely true about me. I love as fiercely as I hate.

Lena: 1:38

That's okay, all right, all right, yeah, okay.

Noel: 1:44

That makes sense, yeah it does.

Lena: 1:45

The depths of both are deep. Okay, all right, all right, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, it does. The depths of both are deep.

Noel: 1:49

Okay, your question is what's a future experience that could heal a pain of yours from the past?

Lena: 1:59

Throwing myself a big birthday party.

Noel: 2:01

Ah, this one's been coming up a bunch.

Lena: 2:04

I know and I don't want to talk about it.

Noel: 2:07

Okay, all right. Well, let's get into this. Unspoken expectations.

Lena: 2:11

Yes. So this became something really that stood out to me, because I heard this quote and it was by Neil Strauss and the quote is this unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments, and I was like wow.

Noel: 2:28

Got to pull that one in and sit with it a little bit.

Lena: 2:30

Yeah, that's actually pretty deep, pretty true, and how many times do we not really think about it? And looking at my own life, even days after that, I was like, how does that show up for me? And so I thought it was really important for us to talk about today because I think it's, it happens to all of us and one of the things is really um, in some ways, this it got brought up recently in a situation was boundaries versus expectations. You know, and you know what are the difference. What is the difference between? What do you think is the difference between a boundary and an expectation?

Noel: 3:08

Well, a boundary I, from what I know now, my opinion right now is that it's a boundary is for ourselves. It's something that we set individually for ourselves, not for another person, just to protect our own wellbeing.

Lena: 3:20

Yeah, protect your peace, lead you out of stress and anxiety, or not lead you into it. Yeah, the way I look at it, too, is a boundary, is something that I say well, this is no longer okay. You know, I will not put myself into this situation. You know, maybe, like I don't, like, I don't like to be touched, I don't like you to touch my hair. Okay, right, and so it's like that's a boundary for me, like that really bugs me.

Noel: 3:42

So how would you set that as a boundary Cause? That's for yourself, but not letting, telling other people not to touch your hair? What?

Lena: 3:49

is it? Yeah, that's something really, you know benign, but you know you would. The boundary would have to then be kind of spoken.

Noel: 3:56

Well then, I almost think that's like that would be like an expectation, like you would expect. Well, just don't touch my hair.

Lena: 4:01

No, because that's an expectation. Is that somebody wouldn't do that?

Noel: 4:05

Unless.

Lena: 4:06

Unless they had a reason or for whatever reason, but you may not know like well, that's how they express affection, but for me it'd be like that's not okay with me. Please don't do that, okay? Or don't call me before 7 am. That's a strong boundary, yeah, like, don't call me, I'm not going to answer. My boundary is I will not answer. Do not call me.

Noel: 4:25

Before, unless it's an absolute emergency.

Lena: 4:27

Yeah, a boundary is something really that you impose to protect yourself.

Noel: 4:32

Okay.

Lena: 4:33

And I almost think of it like a boundary, like a gate, like, if you think of there's a, there's a space between you and I. This is the boundary. Don't cross this boundary. Okay. Right, that's the way I would think of a boundary. Or, yeah, it's saying that you don't want to be in a certain situation or have something happen to you that is not comfortable.

Noel: 4:50

Well, sometimes people set boundaries without telling the other person, right?

Lena: 4:53

And that's an expectation.

Noel: 4:55

There you go. That's how we get to that expectation.

Lena: 4:57

That's an expectation. You know that you're just going to assume that somebody would or wouldn't do something, and oftentimes it's tied to then a belief, right? So, for example, this is a really silly example, but just think about, like you know, for me, armando makes me coffee every morning, right, and so you know I set up, he brings my coffee. That's kind of like the routine. That's what happens, right?

Noel: 5:23

He kind of made a promise or not a promise, but he did.

Lena: 5:25

Yeah, he made a promise when we renewed our vows.

Noel: 5:27

Okay.

Lena: 5:28

Hebrew, it's in the Bible. So what if Armando, though, at one point said you know what? I don't want to make her coffee anymore? Like, why doesn't she make me coffee? Sure. And so I'm just not going to make her coffee and just see if she'd get up and make the coffee.

Noel: 5:42

Right, yeah, he might just decide that one day, cause he doesn't feel like it.

Lena: 5:45

Yeah, Like he's, like you know, I'm feeling kind of put upon. I, you know, I don't even. Would she even make the coffee? Okay, right, and so okay.

Noel: 5:58

Well then, I'm in bed and I'm like well, I don't have any coffee and he's not saying anything, he's just how long is she going to take to get out and go? Where's the coffee? Oh, don't worry, just stay seated, I'll make it. That's kind of what he was expecting.

Lena: 6:07

Yeah, maybe he's like, yeah, will she even do it, but doesn't say anything.

Noel: 6:13

Yeah, that's like challenging you, setting you up to fail.

Lena: 6:16

It's a premeditated resentment.

Noel: 6:18

Yes, Okay, I get it Now. This quote is feeling so much clearer.

Lena: 6:21

It's a premeditated resentment because, let's say, I'm sitting in bed and I'm like he didn't bring me coffee. I wonder if he's mad at me. Or I wonder if I did something that upset him, or you know what. Maybe he doesn't care about me anymore. He just doesn't. He doesn't care that. That's the favorite way to get up and have coffee with him.

Noel: 6:40

Chivalry is done.

Lena: 6:41

Yeah, like there's something, something's wrong. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care. And so I could create a whole storyline in my head about why he's not doing it. And we could go on who knows, for days or weeks or months just thinking like something's up, you know I did something wrong or he he's no longer interested in my happiness. I could make a whole story about he's no longer interested in my happiness.

Noel: 7:05

Yeah Well, the longer it goes, the bigger the story becomes.

Lena: 7:08

Yes, it can snowball.

Noel: 7:09

Yeah.

Lena: 7:09

It can snowball big time and meanwhile he's just like there it is. She won't even get up and make the coffee, you know.

Noel: 7:17

And he's sitting in his own Now. He's building his own story, building his own story, his own stories, building his own story.

Lena: 7:22

Yeah, he's building his own stories about how I don't care about what he wants or I'm too lazy to make coffee whatever this is, coffee, coffee is just a made up thing. Mato still makes the coffee, but it's when you don't express what it is that you're expecting to happen. Yeah, what's the alternative? He could have just said hey, you know what, sometimes I'd like you to make coffee.

Noel: 7:46

Yeah, well, I mean, I think part of it is, you know, like I call mom and Annie every day pretty much during the week while I'm at work, first thing in the morning, when I get on the road. I've always got a couple of like 15 to 20 minutes of drive time, so I choose that time to give mom a call and then I talk to mom for a few minutes and then I'll call Annie and sometimes I get too busy, I'm just swamped at work and I'm just inundated with calls right from the get and I don't call and they won't call me, and then the next day will go by and they'll be like well, you didn't call me, you must be super busy. And I was like I felt like totally put out, you know, cause I was like well, I was busy, you know, I'm sorry.

Lena: 8:28

They had an expectation, yeah, and I was like you know.

Noel: 8:32

I guess I handled it in a better way, cause I said well, you know, there's this silly thing called a. You know a call, but you can call me too.

Lena: 8:39

Yeah.

Noel: 8:39

You know, I I always call you, but part of me feels like I set up an expectation because it was just something. They didn't ask me to do it. I just do it because I like to call them every day.

Lena: 8:48

Yeah.

Noel: 8:50

But maybe I had a hard day, or maybe I didn't feel like calling and then, like you said, they received it a different way and was like is he okay? Is he mad at me? Is something wrong? But meanwhile I was just busy.

Lena: 9:03

Yeah.

Noel: 9:03

I was particular to them, but I was able in that case to say hey, you know, you can call me, and that was a little sarcastic. I could have said hey, you know, sometimes I just get busy. But I appreciate when you guys call me as well. You know, sometimes reach out and call me, it makes me feel like you guys want to talk to me also.

Lena: 9:23

Yeah, the alternative is not saying anything, and then there's just built up resentment and conflict.

Noel: 9:29

I do find myself sometimes because I make coffee for Ellen every day too, and so there have been times where, like maybe on a weekend where there's more time, or I'm usually the first one out of bed, but sometimes I set like I hope most will she make me coffee? Maybe let's see. And she doesn't, and then I get all like she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her, and then I go downstairs and make her coffee and just see her reaction. You know what I mean.

Lena: 9:57

Drink your angry coffee.

Noel: 9:59

Yeah, I've even had it to the point where I just stopped making coffee because I was angry at her. Just to prove a point. So I also created you know, I used it as a weapon, which is not healthy you know, because it took some communication and just some vulnerability to work through that and say, hey, you know, I just kind of feel like I'm always doing everything. Yeah, and that's a common thing, because that's an expectation.

Lena: 10:26

Yeah.

Noel: 10:26

But a healthier way to say that is like hey, you know, I feel really swamped in the mornings and you know, sometimes I don't feel like I get out of the house early enough. It'd be nice. I wonder if you would consider, like maybe coming down and making coffee together sometimes, but then you'd have to communicate that. Yeah, and I'm not always great at that.

Lena: 10:44

Because what happens, too, is like let's say that you just stopped making it, she never made it, and then everything that she did that seemed like it was not thoughtful, was going to reaffirm for you again.

Noel: 10:57

Oh no, that's exactly what it is Because then, all of a sudden, my big binoculars are on looking for oh, there it is. Oh, another affirmation she doesn't care, she's not even thinking about me.

Lena: 11:11

And in her mind she's like I just decided to stop drinking coffee. I don't care about it that much, but this is just unspoken.

Noel: 11:17

Yeah.

Lena: 11:18

It's unspoken, so it will lead to resentment.

Noel: 11:20

Yeah.

Lena: 11:20

So those expectations can lead to resentment. You know, and I think there is there's a big difference between a boundary and an expectation.

Noel: 11:29

Well, is there an expectation from the other side, where they're like well, he didn't make me coffee, what's wrong, see, yeah. And so from both sides they're going to have an expectation, and then they both build resentment.

Lena: 11:38

Yep, and they can snowball Like, and they can go on forever. I can end friendships, you know, family relationships, all of it, if we just aren't able to communicate.

Noel: 11:48

So what is the best way to kind of communicate that and break down? It's like checking in, you know, once in a while, you know, kind of a wellness check.

Lena: 11:57

Yeah, I think. Well, I think just to be kind of self-aware of why you are setting this expectation. Are you looking for something? Are you looking for affirmation of something Like what's going on in you? Are you angry about something? Is it bringing up some kind of trigger for you and being aware of that is probably the hardest part yeah, right, and then if, but if you're able to become aware of it and then communicate it, or at least be honest with yourself and give yourself an opportunity to say, hey, this is probably something that I need to bring up.

Noel: 12:28

Yeah, and and very important to use the I instead of you in your explanations talking really about how what's happening is making me feel. When this happens, I'm feeling like I'm overwhelmed in the mornings and I don't feel like I get enough help and I would really appreciate once in a while if you had some extra time, if you could help kind of get the stuff going in the mornings.

Lena: 12:54

Or you know, just basically, even just asking questions, you know, just ask a question Is there a reason why you don't like to make the coffee? Or is there a reason why you don't like if you know mom's not calling, or whatever, is there a reason why you don't like to call? And just don't assume that you know the reason.

Noel: 13:12

Well, some people just aren't callers. Some people don't call people. I don't know any people like that, like you. I say that I call Annie and mom, but I don't call you every day.

Lena: 13:26

No, you don't have an expectation for it, though, and I'm not upset when you don't. You know why? Because I know that you love me. I know that when you call me that I'm going to pick up. If I can, I absolutely will, yeah, and that it's fine.

Noel: 13:41

I think something that maybe I just thought of is that part of the reason that I don't call you is because of your it's like, almost like fear of rejection, because you're too busy. Well, she's just busy. She's not going to answer. She's like some of that's like. You know, I told you I don't call you when you say the best time to call you is when you're on vacation because you have the most time. But I don't call you then because I feel like that's your reset and that's your vacation, you know.

Noel: 14:07

And so we talk enough when we're together. So I don't know, maybe that was just something that I thought of in me, because you said what is it for you, that why you don't call me? So I just thought of that for myself.

Lena: 14:18

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair and for me, absolutely like working in the hospital, working in nursing, working flight. I never had my ringer on, never because I couldn't If I'm in flight or if I'm with a patient.

Noel: 14:35

I absolutely cannot talk. I got my phone all the time.

Lena: 14:38

My cling pulls is easy, oh no, and now, even when I'm working, I'm working one-on-one with a client. We're doing light, we're doing sound, we're doing coaching. That is absolutely not a time that I could just even look at my phone, because the person in front of me who is there for my full attention.

Noel: 14:54

It's like I can't be. It's literally the opposite of holding space having your phone out.

Lena: 14:58

Absolutely so. You know, that's just know. That's the reason.

Noel: 15:03

Sounds like a really good excuse. It's solid.

Lena: 15:07

I mean, I don't have an expectation that if you don't call me, you don't love me.

Noel: 15:11

Okay, that makes sense. I think people have different kind of lifestyles that make them available to talk like I talk to people sometimes, you know, because I can talk on the phone while I'm working pretty much.

Lena: 15:21

Or we have different, like we've talked about love languages. Oh. You know, and maybe that is someone's love language is if you do an act of service for them or you give them your time or your words of affirmation. That's maybe how they receive love or the acknowledgement that they're important. And so if you're not aware of that and you're not speaking that language, they could be interpreting that like you don't care.

Noel: 15:46

Well, another way that you could interpret that is like oh you know what, they're so kind of angry that I didn't call. That must mean that they missed my call, Like they genuinely wanted to talk to me and they were sad they didn't, so that's why they're calling me out. I could think about it like that. I do not think that.

Lena: 16:05

First, I promise you yeah, yeah I guess that is, that would take a level of self-awareness and being kind of the observer of the conversation.

Noel: 16:13

Yeah, I could do it now, while we're sitting, not in the moment of that conflict, but yeah, that would be I don't know I think, well, the other thing that I think we all do is we want to make ourselves right.

Lena: 16:28

right, we want to be right. That's kind of like in life we want to be right.

Noel: 16:31

Yeah.

Lena: 16:31

So, whatever it is that we are thinking we're right about, whatever that thought process, is that we, the narrative that we're carrying or the lens we're looking through? As soon as you see something in your environment with a stranger, with the person that you have a conflict with, and you see them do or say something, it's like there it is. Yeah, that affirms he didn't open the door for me.

Noel: 16:55

Yeah, that's that snowball effect. Once the little thing happens and it's uncommunicated or there's no resolution, then it's. I'm going to start looking for every affirmation that I'm right. Yeah, and like you said, think and grow rich what you think you're right Whatever you think.

Lena: 17:15

You're right Whatever you think you're right, yeah, yeah.

Noel: 17:18

What do you think some of the like an effective strategy would be? Well, I think, using the I instead of you and talking about your feelings and how the things make you feel. Yeah, In those situations, just really talking about you know how it feels when whatever happened.

Lena: 17:32

Yeah, not in an accusatory way, but just maybe taking ownership of your own feelings over whatever the situation is. Because even you know we didn't even talk about like professionally, like when people are at work I mean, especially in the workplace if there is an unspoken expectation about what is your responsibility or what somebody wants from you and you're not able to meet it, you don't even know what it is, what the expectation is, and so they could be viewing you as a bad employee. You don't care about your job, whatever, you're not a team player. But what if the expectation was never spoken?

Noel: 18:05

Yeah Well, I mean, when I worked in property management I never really asked for a raise. I just thought that if I worked super hard and they saw how hard I worked, they would just give me a raise.

Noel: 18:18

And then I was just that, was that resentment started building because I was like yo, like I'm doing X, Y, Z and then when I got angry, then I asked you know for what I deserved. It was like, and I don't know, they were kind of shocked. They were like, well, we didn't know you had all those aspirations to do that, Because I never really communicated where I wanted to ask.

Noel: 18:44

I wanted to get to this level, I had aspirations to keep doing this and that I basically just thought well, they're going to see my worth and then they're going to elevate me because of that, and I think in a lot of workplaces you're going to see different types of people and there's some people that don't really deserve it, but they are the squeaky wheel and they're like.

Noel: 19:01

Well, I'm going to get a raise and I want to be the manager and all, and they're not really qualified. But then you've got the quiet one that's probably more qualified, that stays reserved and doesn't try to get into the mix too much but doesn't really advocate for himself. And that's where we get into trouble, because I think, personally and in professional lives, I think we need to be our own advocates and otherwise there's going to be unresolved resentments, yeah, yeah, and then you just leave. Because that's when you set those expectations right yeah.

Lena: 19:29

You're like well, obviously they don't value me because they didn't give me a raise or they didn't validate the work. I'm doing, but that may not be like what they're thinking.

Noel: 19:39

Yeah, I could say well, I'm going to leave if they don't give me a raise.

Lena: 19:41

But if I don't say that If you didn't ask for the raise and then I say, well, I'm giving them two weeks.

Noel: 19:45

If they don't just come at me with a raise, then I'm gone. I mean I think I'm worth it, the opportunity.

Lena: 19:53

Well, that's also the reason why when you, even when you take a job let's say personally versus professionally- right. Professionally. You get a job description, hopefully yeah Right, and then you're like, all right, what are the expectations of this job?

Lena: 20:10

Let me meet and exceed these expectations, and actually you even get a review where they tell you you know what here we could do better, here's you know, whatever. But in like, personally, we don't even do that. We just expect that the other person must know what our needs are. They must know what we, you know, expect from the relationship and how what they're doing communicates to me that I'm valuable. Yeah, and that's not true, it's not real. No, you know. And also, if you have a core belief that you're not worthy, that you're not important, all of that, you're going to look for ways in your environment where you're right. And so, there again, there's a premeditated resentment. By not expressing it, it's like you're looking for it in a way, in some ways, and it can turn into self-sabotage.

Lena: 20:54

Yeah, oh, big time. I think that's a big way that we self-sabotage. Yeah.

Lena: 20:58

Oh, big time. I think that's a big way that we self-sabotage, Absolutely I don't know. I thought this was a really important one because when I heard that quote I was like, man, I'll bet we all do this, I know I do it and I think I have some level of self-awareness. But this one blew me away because I was like, yeah, you know what. This happens all the time and it's very easily remedied. I mean easily. We could say that maybe it's not always easy to communicate, but it can take a simple conversation to just say you know, like you said, an I statement, you know, or having a weekly check-in, you know, or a monthly, yearly check-in, Like hey, how are we doing, Like what's going on, and having a really honest conversation about what are your needs, what are your wants, when, where do you feel like you're not getting enough, you know, and be able to kind of take care of the relationship in that way.

Noel: 21:50

And you can also ask the other person, like I heard in a somebody was talking about job interviews where you ask the employer like where do you see me in five years? What you know how? How could I help your company the best in the next five years? Where would you see me going, you know? And just so that you could see where their expectations long term is. And I think you could do that, you know, regularly with your own family, you know, just checking in with them, telling them what you're or asking them what their expectations are.

Lena: 22:25

Yeah, you know, and that's that goes back to even like the circling method that we've talked about in past podcasts is really just, you know, like using that active deep listening and maybe making that part of the practice, not like really sit down and go let's, let's check in and let's use deep listening.

Noel: 22:43

Well, cause some of us are talkers and we're going to be the one that's going to be. Well, this is what I'm feeling, but some people are really avoidant in their in themselves. So that's why I was thinking well, we can't always have the person who's always want to be the talker saying well, when this happens, I feel this way. I think the other person if you're the talker, or the anxious one who always has to know, you know, maybe you might ask is there a level of expectations or some you know? Maybe try to clarify those by asking instead of waiting for them to.

Lena: 23:15

Yeah, and then you have to actually listen.

Noel: 23:16

Yeah, and then you have to actually listen. Yeah, do the circling technique. Repeat what you heard them say and ask a deep meaning question.

Lena: 23:23

Yeah, yeah, and make sure that they feel understood, they feel seen, they feel heard, you know, giving your full attention and validating their feelings.

Noel: 23:32

Yeah, invalidating, is you know, can be so devastating. Yeah, invalidating, is you know, can be so devastating. So I think validating the person's hurts and expectations, just, you know, repeating it back to them, will just put that energy down to where it's manageable so we can have a loving, open communication.

Lena: 23:50

Yeah. And you know, even when you're saying that, like validating doesn't necessarily mean that you agree. Yeah, it means that you agree. Yeah, it means that you.

Noel: 23:58

I love that you say that.

Lena: 23:59

That you heard them. You know there's a difference there too. It's not like.

Noel: 24:04

Why is that so? Misunderstood, though, because I think you know people will say well, I don't have to validate your feelings. I'm not responsible for that.

Lena: 24:12

I think it's ego Honestly. I think it's ego Sometimes. If we, if somebody is saying that you, that I feel hurt when you've said this, then they can be like well, I didn't, that's not what I meant and you know, you shouldn't feel that way.

Noel: 24:24

Yeah, right.

Lena: 24:25

That's that's. You're not taking responsibility.

Noel: 24:28

You misunderstood me. That's ego yeah.

Lena: 24:30

And that's invalidating. Validating is just saying I hear you. It doesn't mean you're saying yeah, you're right.

Speaker 3: 24:40

I did feel that way when you did that thing or whatever, or didn't.

Lena: 24:41

It's just saying is that what you said? You're saying that, when I don't bring you coffee in the morning, that you thought that I was upset with you or that you must've done something wrong or that I didn't care about you. I hear that that's what you felt, is that I didn't care about you. Is that right?

Noel: 24:59

Yes.

Lena: 25:00

It doesn't mean that you say, yeah, you're right, you were right to say I didn't care about you, I didn't whatever. It's just validating and allowing someone to be seen and heard and then working together to find a solution.

Noel: 25:14

Yeah. But our first natural instinct is like well, it's because you know I was really tired and making excuses and that's all, even though that may not be invalidating directly making excuses for why you didn't meet.

Lena: 25:26

Yeah.

Noel: 25:27

Is invalidating Is invalidating. And I'll tell you I've been guilty of that myself. I mean cause you're going to have these, you know um expectations, um but if they're not, communicated. Yeah, clearly yeah, and in a nice, what healthy way, loving way a loving way.

Lena: 25:46

Yeah, there's that's. That's the thing it's. This is like basic communication, you know, and I think boundaries is such like a hot word, a hot topic, um, and we're all trying to have better boundaries and be able to communicate them, but at the same time, you know, having an unspoken expectation, it's just going to lead to conflict. It will undoubtedly, you know, just communicate what you want professionally, personally, in the relationship, communicate your needs.

Noel: 26:16

Yeah, you have to be your own advocate, and I think that's something that I struggled with my whole life is I've always wanted somebody to come save me, and now what I'm realizing in adulting is that I have to save myself. You know what I mean, yeah, and communicate clearly what my needs are, because in the past, I've asked for love in the most unloving ways.

Lena: 26:40

Yeah, we need to create the environment where people feel, seen, heard, valued, understood, and then you're going to reduce the likelihood of resentment.

Noel: 26:50

Yeah, I think the listeners at home. What could they do too?

Lena: 26:54

Well, I think here's a challenge. I want the people who are listening at home, I want you to think of one relationship in your life where you might have unspoken expectations and I want you to take the time to communicate those expectations and clear do that. So, do it clearly and see what a difference it makes. Okay.

Lena: 27:15

Just use it as an experiment. You know, and even the smallest things start exercising this muscle. But just really take the time to look. Are there areas in your life where you have um unspoken expectations, and how has that led to resentment in the past or currently? And do something different.

Noel: 27:35

Yeah.

Lena: 27:36

You know, talk about it and do something different. Yeah. You know talk about it. Yeah, Get to a neutral place emotionally, physically. Oh.

Noel: 27:43

First Breathe, first Do something to calm yourself.

Lena: 27:46

Do the 10, 20, 30 breath.

Noel: 27:49

I mean, I think it's important. You know, things like we talked about on other episodes was finding ways and times to talk. I think for me and Ellen it's very helpful to do these types of talks while we're walking, you know, for some reason just the moving, walking around the block or going on a hike or something like that.

Lena: 28:06

I think your energy is moving differently and it's not like sitting there, kind of bubbling.

Noel: 28:10

Yeah, just sitting looking at each other with the awkwardness of like, okay, I'm gonna tell you this vulnerable thing where I'm going to seem, I don't know. Whenever I tell somebody something like that, I feel like it's showing weakness, or it feels confrontational. Well, and I'm also worried that they're going to invalidate what I'm feeling. Oh yeah, it's you know rejection.

Lena: 28:33

It's vulnerable, it's vulnerable, it's vulnerable. Yeah, so if?

Noel: 28:36

you can stay with it, you know. Rejection. It's vulnerable, it's vulnerable, it's vulnerable. Yeah, so if you can stay with it, you know if find a place, a safe space or a good time where you feel good about it and practices challenge yourself to see one relationship in your life.

Lena: 28:48

Yeah, and say you know what? This is something I'm looking at and working on. Would you mind working on it with me? You know, I kind of feel like maybe this is a thing that I have going on. Let me get your feedback. Yeah, you know it's just going to reduce the chances of misunderstanding and resentment, and those things can last years, lifetimes even.

Noel: 29:07

So whether it's, professionally or personally. There's been, you know, family relationships where it can go years, months without talking because we're too afraid to kind of broach that subject. Yeah, and it's gotten too big and awkward, yeah, and even when we're around each other we're just meh, awkward yeah.

Lena: 29:30

You know, and then that just affirms oopsie. There it is.

Noel: 29:33

When it's been something that's that long. Is there a different way to approach it, Like let's just say it's been years, right? Is there a different way to approach? Because we're talking about coffee and those things are really small, but let's just say there was something pretty big? Would the same process still apply?

Lena: 29:51

I think that you'd have to maybe set up a time and say hey, I want to talk to you about something, and you could say that this is something that's come to my mind, and I feel like perhaps I participated in something like this, perhaps I didn't communicate, and so I'd like an opportunity to do that now. If the relationship is already bad, yeah, it's not going to make it worse.

Noel: 30:12

Yeah.

Lena: 30:15

You know it could possibly make it better. There's a chance for that, so I think it's absolutely worth it. It's just maybe calling someone and sitting down for a conversation. If you care about the relationship, it's worth it.

Noel: 30:26

Yeah, I find it helpful, when it's something big and serious, for me to write like two or three drafts of a letter, and I'm not going to use the letter to give to them, I'm just using it so that I have my thoughts clear, because I'll go the first one will be rough and it'll just be abrasive, for lack of a better word.

Noel: 30:47

And then I'll read through that and go, ah, delete, delete, delete, delete. Okay, there's too many U's in there, I need to put some I's in there. I feel this and all and so, working through a letter that I'm going to write to them, you could probably, if you're I mean, sometimes there's been cases where I'm it's not the right time to just talk, so giving the letter. Maybe I've done it where I've just given the letter, but most of the time I use the letter as just practice. For me it's almost like memorizing a speech so that when I'm in the the, the thick of it.

Noel: 31:22

You've kind of sifted through your thoughts and not not in a sense that I'm like oh well, if they say this, then I'll say that, if they no that, that part, then you're overthinking it. You know, uh, paralysis by analysis when I get into that. So it's just really just thinking about what I'm going to say and what I feel, because if I'm too worried about what you're going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to. You know what you're going to do.

Lena: 31:43

Yeah, and I think the one thing too with we, you know, talk about communication is for you to take a hundred percent responsibility for your own involvement. You know you take a hundred percent responsibility for your part in it. Sometimes that can just kind of cut down the defense of the other person, and then we're not coming into confrontation for your own participation in it or your lack of understanding or lack of communication, and I think that's a good way to go into it too.

Noel: 32:26

Yeah, and try to turn down the volume on it. I think, yeah, definitely, definitely.

Lena: 32:31

Yep. So there's a challenge. Think of one relationship in your life where you might have unspoken expectations.

Noel: 32:43

All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.

Lena: 32:53

And I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at LetThatShiftGo, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.