Let That Shift Go
The Shimmer of Self-Reflection: Navigating Conflict and Social Media's Mental Toll
Can self-reflection turn a quick-to-anger fighter into a master of conflict resolution? Join Noel and Lena in this thought-provoking episode of Let That Shift Go as they share their personal journeys with the new Amusing deck of Skin Deep cards. Noel opens up about his transformation from someone quick to flare-up to a more measured and reflective individual, while Lina stresses the essential practice of introspection to understand our roles in conflicts. The discussion moves towards the empathetic approach of seeing things from others’ viewpoints and the power of empathy in easing tensions.
Triggered by listener Daniela's idea, we dive into the captivating topic of "Blinded by the Shimmer," examining how social media comparisons can fuel depression and anxiety. Drawing insights from Eric Godsey and statistics from Jonathan Haidt's "The Anxious Generation," we discuss the rise in mental health issues among teens and young adults since 2010. The conversation turns serious as we highlight the emotional toll of constant digital exposure and the critical need to equip youth with self-regulation and coping skills. This episode underscores the dual importance of parental guidance and self-exploration in building a healthier relationship with digital media.
Can self-reflection turn a quick-to-anger fighter into a master of conflict resolution? Join Noel and Lena in this thought-provoking episode of Let That Shift Go as they share their personal journeys with the new Amusing deck of Skin Deep cards. Noel opens up about his transformation from someone quick to flare-up to a more measured and reflective individual, while Lina stresses the essential practice of introspection to understand our roles in conflicts. The discussion moves towards the empathetic approach of seeing things from others’ viewpoints and the power of empathy in easing tensions.
Triggered by listener Daniela's idea, we dive into the captivating topic of "Blinded by the Shimmer," examining how social media comparisons can fuel depression and anxiety. Drawing insights from Eric Godsey and statistics from Jonathan Haidt's "The Anxious Generation," we discuss the rise in mental health issues among teens and young adults since 2010. The conversation turns serious as we highlight the emotional toll of constant digital exposure and the critical need to equip youth with self-regulation and coping skills. This episode underscores the dual importance of parental guidance and self-exploration in building a healthier relationship with digital media.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. And on this week's episode, what's the name of this one? Blinded by the Shimmer, blinded by the Shimmer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if you haven't heard of the Shimmer, you're going to today.
Speaker 1:But first let's get into these Skin Deep cards.
Speaker 2:All right, we're going to use the Amusing deck.
Speaker 1:The Amusing deck. Yeah, this is a new one for us. I'll go first. Okay, how has the way you deal with conflict changed over time?
Speaker 2:Oh man, definitely for the better, although I'm sure there are times when I slip. But I would say, you know, growing up I was a fighter. Like quick to like I was quick to anger and quick to like I could see that Get sarcastic, or you know, I was really quick with the tongue. I could kind of cut you deep just with words.
Speaker 1:You're a linguist, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I would take a lot of things personally, and now I think, with the work that we've done of really self-reflection and really being able to have some tools to regulate myself if I'm in conflict, really being able to have some tools to regulate myself if I'm in conflict, I like to try and step into the observer of what's happening, instead of just getting all caught up in it and then, you know, hopefully trying to choose a better response.
Speaker 1:I mean, like early on you would respond with sarcasm, like at what point, like in your teenage years, did you see you dealt with conflict different. And then, when you were early in your marriage, like I just wonder how it kind of evolved, did you?
Speaker 2:I think definitely it was like sarcasm, fight back, defend myself. It was the same for a long time. Just better at it, you know. And the other thing I did and still do sometimes is shut down is just like shut down. I just withdraw and I'll find that I don't fight as much, like really hardly at all, and if I can, if I have any kind of awareness and I can step into like being the observer of what's happening, especially if it's not super personal to me. It doesn't really resonate anything with me. It's pretty, that's pretty easy when it does and I kind of lose myself. Then I feel a shutdown, yeah, but I think it's gotten better. I would say it's definitely gotten better by at least 75, 80%.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean I feel what you were saying. I kind of we grew up in the same household so I was. You know the sarcasm and quick to joke and make fun of people, deflect, you know that type of thing. Yeah. Yeah so.
Speaker 2:Not helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so much better. Now, what's your question?
Speaker 2:All right. If you could tell everyone you met one thing, what would it be and why?
Speaker 1:Met.
Speaker 2:Everyone you met. You could tell them one thing what would it be and why?
Speaker 1:Hmm, every.
Speaker 2:Besides breathwork.
Speaker 1:Well I would. Yeah, every besides breathwork.
Speaker 3:well, I would yeah, first we'd like to teach them breathwork.
Speaker 1:10 20 30, that's what I would try to do. Yeah, um, if I can tell somebody, everybody, one thing, I I think it would just be to um, look in the mirror yeah, and really see, you know the treasures and the triggers. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because that's when it comes down to it. I know we say it all the time. Everything that I've even dealing with now is all about looking in the mirror. Yeah, whatever I'm thinking about my kids, it's like oh, I'm thinking about the same thing about myself, but in a different way, worried about not getting this done. He's not getting this done, but in the same ways, I'm worried about myself in those same ways.
Speaker 2:I love that because I think that's one of the. I think, even with conflict, if you can think of the mirror in every conflict, that whatever it is that you're judging in someone else, it's probably something that's being reflected back to you, that you are judging in yourself, right or you don't like about yourself. So just I love that.
Speaker 1:How is it, like you know, trying to put yourself into the other person's shoes. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like, Seeing it from their perspective Trying- to see it.
Speaker 1:That's not exactly like the mirror, but yeah, in some ways, in some ways it is.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think, when I think of when you say the mirror is to look at your own reflection, look at yourself in the situation. How have you contributed? But I think that every time somebody is, you know, triggering you, that there's something there for you. So there's a mirror right there reflecting back. You know there's something there for you to learn about yourself. There's a part of you that's not free. If you are being kind of triggered in some way or being activated in some way, there's something there for you Nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I like these cards. I do too, so let's talk about this shimmer. This came about why?
Speaker 2:Well, two things. So one of our listeners, daniela, she had asked she gave me some ideas for podcasts. I'm like, hey, let us know if you ever want to hear about something.
Speaker 2:And she had asked about comparison and how that really kind of leads to depression and like people constantly comparing themselves to everyone else and I'm like that's a good one, because that's something we all do, especially with social media, and I saw this post by Eric Godsey. He's part of the Fit for Service team. He's an amazing human. He's just very knowledgeable, and he dropped a post about this book by Jonathan Haidt called the Anxious Generation, and it had some really alarming statistics, but ones that do ring true. Okay, and it was purely based on statistics.
Speaker 2:This is just facts, right, it's not just like an idea. Oh, maybe this is, but it's all about the anxious generation is talking about the shimmer, which is a psychological phenomenon, and it's deeply intertwined with the rise of social media and its impact on younger generations especially. But, I don't think it's just the younger generations.
Speaker 1:No, because I'm on social media all the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm not part of the younger generation, necessarily, but definitely I can find myself looking at something and saying, and the whole thing, the whole thing of I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing it right, yeah, it pops up, yeah, right, cause that resonates to some degree in many of us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I find myself comparing myself to so many times, which is I have to stop, you know, comparing myself, but. But I'd rather find inspiration, you know, but I'd rather find inspiration.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I love it To find inspiration. It's one thing to get inspired by, because really if you're jealous of something, they're just showing you what's possible for you. But when you're young and you don't have that level of awareness, it's more like everybody's happy but me. Or they look at all these high moments. I mean not everybody's posting about their worst moments. They don't post a picture of them when they look the worst. When you're looking up at your camera and you happen to push the camera backwards, you know it's looking at you.
Speaker 1:Not everything is for public consumption.
Speaker 2:No, and it is it's surface level stimuli.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and most people don't post the bad stuff. No, you know they don't post to hard times. Or hey, me and my wife are having an argument always, but sometimes you do see the fighting between couples and that type of thing.
Speaker 2:But for the most part, that's a shadow effect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for the most part, we're really pushing out all the best parts of our lives.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know somebody at home who's not maybe doing all of those things, seeing that they're just feeling what, like they're less than for some reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not enough. The not enoughness. And then when you gauge that too by looking at well, how many likes did they get? And that's not a deep level of acceptance.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it is. It's that surface level acceptance and it's like the illusion of depth.
Speaker 1:Yeah and it's proven to get dopamine drops when you are surfing the phones like that. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they can appear like to be really significant. Oh look, this one got a hundred likes. Or if you posted that picture and it got way more than you're like, oh, I got to do more of that. So really, you're just curating your whole experience for the outward consumption of everyone else which leaves you feeling very empty.
Speaker 1:You start becoming less of yourself and more of what other people want.
Speaker 2:Less authenticity. So it's that disconnection from self it's never gonna lead you into. You know, feeling like you are doing enough, that it is okay. It's okay to have a bad day, whatever that is. But really what he argues is that this effect has a heightened anxiety. It leads to heightened anxiety and a lot of mental issues and we all, I think, to some degree recognize that because we can feel it in ourselves. But statistically it is very significant with the amount of the rise in suicide, the rise in depression and anxiety itself, and I don't think anybody's ever really looked at the numbers on what it's doing and we just all flock to social media.
Speaker 1:Tell us who. We are Taking the time to put all this together and put all these statistics out. Yeah, and it's shocking when you look at it. It is.
Speaker 2:You know what is social media designed for? You know, it's really just capturing attention, holding the attention through these shimmering moments, these glossy moments, but they're not really communicating the depth of the human experience.
Speaker 1:No, you miss a lot of context. I mean, I find even now you know, interacting with some friends only on social media, but then it's missing so much. I feel like even when we got together this weekend to have breakfast, it was like it's so much different when you're together in person and you get the context that you don't get with the online shimmer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause the shimmer is. You know it's superficial engagement, it's just surface level. You really don't know the depth of anything. You literally spend about less than seven seconds. I think you know when you're looking at a post. Seven seconds is probably a long time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You think about counting to seven? Do you ever look at a post for seven, more than seven seconds? Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:But you notice the likes. I've never counted, but I will now. Thanks, I'm going to be conscientious about that.
Speaker 2:There's the challenge.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Look at how long you actually look at a post.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know how much attention you're giving it.
Speaker 1:But and over and over. Yeah, I'm going to go look at my phone and see how long I spent on social media, because the Apple phones will. You can track that and see how long you were on Facebook or Instagram or social media accounts. Yeah, it's got to be a couple hours a day, minimum, even for myself, but it's got to be more for the younger.
Speaker 2:What are the emotions in that you're accessing it's inadequacy, when you're looking at stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah Envy. Yeah, depends on what you're looking at. Stuff like that, yeah Envy. Yeah Depends on what you're looking at, though, because my kids would tell me I'm using it wrong, because it's about race cars and stuff like that, or self-help stuff, and they're just. What are you watching?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, mine's like goats chickens some sourdough bread stuff in there, but I can tell you where it affects, like. How does that affect me For personally, if I'm watching, if I'm looking at something and maybe I'm looking at another coach or another breathwork facilitator or you know things that I'm really interested in or things that I'm like working on to improve or grow, and I see someone else that's like man, they're just doing it right, they have all these followers or they've got better advice or they've got this. So then I go into this like I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing it better, which is not really inspiring to me. Sometimes that can lead to just like you know, like kind of like the giving up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it's already been done.
Speaker 2:It's already been done. This is not new. So it's like negative self-talk, that negative self-talk loop that starts to happen, which isn't helpful because I'm comparing myself to someone else, when, if I didn't do that, if I didn't look at any other person who's trying to do something I'm doing and compare myself to them, I may just be walking through going, oh, that's a great idea, let me put that out, or let me make this move or let me do this, and it'd be like, yeah, good job, lena, you did great today.
Speaker 1:That's the way you're looking at it though.
Speaker 2:It's perception, it's all perception. So looking at or getting your dose of reality through social media is not really an accurate perception. It's not an accurate perspective on what life is about or what the human experience is about. So it's a little. It's shocking, like it's not just young adults, it's older adults, it's all of us right. But statistically, when you look at how it's affecting young people, it's even scarier, because I think now I'm like man when I was growing up. You know, I mean, this is going to date me but the only thing that really told you how you were in comparison to other people was a thing called a slam book. You ever know? Did you ever know what a slam book was?
Speaker 1:No, so somebody. I think I've heard of it, I don't remember what it is. Somebody?
Speaker 2:would take like a spiraled notebook and then at the top you'd write a question like who has the best this, or who's the least this, or who has the ugliest this or the greatest this? And then you would take the slam book and you just pass it around to everybody.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and then they would write they probably got banned by the time I was.
Speaker 2:This is.
Speaker 1:You guys got it banned If you know what it is.
Speaker 2:I mean, you probably should go get a colon screening.
Speaker 1:It sounds so demeaning to whoever.
Speaker 2:Probably in menopause, if you know what a slam book is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, you know, you dated yourself, that's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, anyway. So, but if you know, let's say, people would fill that out and it make its way back to you, and then I'd be like, oh my gosh, they think I'm this. So then I would get this altered perception about who I am in comparison to everyone else.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay perception about who I am in comparison to everyone else. Now you have Facebook, now you have Instagram, now you have just social media, constantly just putting out there information about other people or how great you are, and it is. It just builds comparison over and over and over. So for younger people, now you would be really I don't know. When I read Eric Gottsi's post and I saw the statistics for mental illness, major depression among teens, let me read this to you the spike in major depression among teens has gone up in girls since 2010,.
Speaker 1:145% 14 years.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm In boys since 2010,. That major depression has gone up 161%. Mm-hmm. These are not small measurements.
Speaker 1:More access to more things.
Speaker 2:More information. Being barraged with information constantly is just building an altered sense of reality and, you know, taking you out of your present you know out of what's in front of you, things that you can be you can be grateful for the ways that you can grow.
Speaker 1:It's like a different kind of abuse. You know, I felt like we got all like the whippings and the lashings and they're getting kind of emotional abuse from social media. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Only the thing is we're giving them the tools to do it right Because we're getting iPads, we're getting screens much earlier. It is it messes with the brain, but even with mental illness among college students. Statistics for college students anxiety up, 134% depression up 106% and ADHD 72% increase since 2010.
Speaker 1:72?
Speaker 2:72% increase since 2010. 72? 72% increase. You want to talk about bipolar anorexia, substance abuse, schizophrenia. All of that has actually gone up between 33% and 100%, just even in those categories.
Speaker 1:And because of the way we perceive social media. So what's-?
Speaker 2:Or our exposure to so much information and this shimmering, you know, the thing that you think, oh, everything it's so great for everyone else. What about me? This has not been my experience, and so it almost invalidates your own experience of whatever it is you're going through because it's in comparison to everyone else. Yeah, you know, anxiety, huge. I mean, we could go on and on. The other thing that I noticed, even as a nurse working, I did notice like when, if you working in the ER, we have something called a 5150.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's when somebody is, you know, self-harm or harm to others.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And I remember being in there and there would be so many kids there 51-50? 51-50.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Kids, young adults, teens, but even younger kids, and it was like what is going on One. They're lacking the coping skills to deal with their own emotion and they're just constantly barraged with so much information and comparison.
Speaker 1:That was a constant thing in the ER.
Speaker 2:That was constant. There was times. I mean, and you talk to any. You know I've talked to other pediatric nurses and same thing They'll have a pediatric mental health unit for 5150s. So you know it's sad.
Speaker 1:Wow, I didn't realize that was a thing.
Speaker 2:It's sad? No, it's, that's the truth. That was my own experience, and I mean the statistics 188% increase since 2010 for girls, 48 percent increase for boys since 2010. So it's an important subject, you know, and that it's one like just asking yourself if you have kids, um, is maybe delaying the screen time, like do they need it? Do they need to be exposed to everybody else's? You know, shimmer constantly and adding to the not enough, because that's definitely something especially young people.
Speaker 1:Well, we can't watch them all the time. So you know part of me, I'm listening to you and I'm like, ah, the parent in me is like, ah, but we can't watch them all the time. So what about empowering them to give you know, give them the agency to know the difference, to maybe to notice the shimmer?
Speaker 2:Well, having a discussion about what that is.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know at least having the discussion about? Do you know that this is a thing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because rather than taking something away, I'd rather empower them with the information.
Speaker 2:And how to deal with it.
Speaker 1:What we're talking about now. Like, please listen to my. I wish my kids listened to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know there's all kinds of stuff in here. If you go back episodes on, you know tools for regulating your nervous system.
Speaker 1:So yeah, at this point, if you know this is going, on and it probably is if your kid has an iPhone or iPad or Droid or whatever. Well, our generation was the first ones, you know as adults, to have things like an afford, you know, $800 iPhone.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So we started it and then we gave it to them.
Speaker 2:And then we gave them no tools to deal with what was going to happen. One of it is we didn't know what was going to happen.
Speaker 1:No, with all these statistics, now we're being informed.
Speaker 2:So now you know better, we got to do better. Yeah, you know, and teaching our kids how to regulate their nervous system, how to deal with their own emotions. But if you don't know how to do it, how are you going to teach your kids?
Speaker 1:Yeah, the mirror.
Speaker 2:Or maybe you go and do a little self-discovery and see how it's affecting you and what are you doing to deal with it. The whole thing we talk about all the time is just awareness, just becoming aware that this is statistically significant, what is the science behind it and why? That's the thing. It's just becoming aware. And when you do, then there's a choice to be made. What do you want to do about it? Because this illusion of significance, comparison and envy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're comparing yourself to who?
Speaker 2:Strangers who probably are feeling a lot of the same things you are, but they're not posting about it.
Speaker 1:You know, it's just kind of the glossed over version or years later you find out, some of these celebrities have all these skeletons in their closet. You know and issues, um, and now you're like well, I idolize those, those people well, the other thing, too, that it that is part of this is attention fragmentation. What's that?
Speaker 2:So it's like you're constantly just going from one thing to another. It's rapid, intermittent nature of like online interactions. Yeah, it's just rapid, that's seven seconds. Yep Scrolling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not fully engaged in anything, so your attention is always going in many directions quickly. So, just being able, how do you be still? You know, how do you even know how to be still? And I think we talked about before like they did a study experiment with people and they, you know, like a paid experiment, where they come in and they don't know what they're going to have to do, but you come in. The experiment was really kind of like about meditation or being able to just be still, not even necessarily meditation, but you'd have to come in for like 30 minutes, sit quietly. No, you don't have any electronics, nothing is just being with your thoughts, maybe breathing for 30 minutes. Or, as an alternative, you could go push a button on the wall that would shock you and it hurt, and then you could leave quicker and see which one did you prefer. And surprisingly, or not surprisingly, a lot of people just chose the shock, because it's just too much to sit still. You know, we're so used to having our attention fragmented.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it doesn't lend itself to just any type of ability to self-reflect, to just really tune out the noise.
Speaker 1:Set the phone down.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So the impact on mental health over time is just it's chronic stress, anxiety, diminished capacity for real-world activity. I mean it's even hard for a lot of young people to actually have a face-to-face conversation. We're so used to being able to say whatever we want or maybe be a little bit bold when you're not face-to-face, but when you are, where's the emotional intelligence in being able to have a conversation, to have deep listening, to have self-reflection in that deep listening? I mean that's a learned skill. So being able to have a conversation, to have deep listening, to have self-reflection in that deep listening, I mean that's a learned skill.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know.
Speaker 1:So, being able to practice, that is something that lends itself into adulthood into relationships and you can talk about the social media and the shimmer effect while you're doing those real heart-to-heart conversations. Yeah definitely heart-to-heart conversations? Yeah, definitely. I mean you got to make time for your kids and for the people in your life and maybe finding ways to set your social media down or your phones down. It's so hard because even you know I've got an Apple Watch on and my cameras my you know the Tesla there's something always going off.
Speaker 1:So really you know, using the do not disturbs and shutting those things down and being present with people yeah, Trying to set, you know, time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, digital detox. I mean this isn't just you know well, maybe you should. This is statistically. It's leading to some chronic things and some, you know, life and death. Life and death things, I mean when the suicide rates are going up and depression and anxiety is going up, chronic illness is going up. We need to look at what could be a contributor to that.
Speaker 1:Well, the social media and the shimmer effect. Yeah, definitely so talk with your kids and-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe, and if you have really young kids, maybe you delay the time that they actually have access to their phone, you know. Or you set a time where you say, hey, we're going to everybody's phones are going down at this time and we're going to have some time as a family. But also, if you're going to give someone this, what really could become a weapon is give them the tools to understand how to use it and what the effects are. You know what? What are the possible consequences?
Speaker 1:Is there a website that this information can is posted on?
Speaker 2:Well, it's, it's Jonathan Haidt. H-a-i-d-t is his last name, and the shimmer effect is discussed in his book the Anxious Generation. Oh, the Anxious Generation. Book the Anxious Generation.
Speaker 1:Oh, the Anxious Generation. The Anxious Generation. Yeah, I'm going to read that. That's going on my to-do list to read. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Please do, because we're more than just what we post, and so is everyone else. But we really did come here for the full gamut of the human experience, which includes all the emotions and not just the good ones, and then, in comparing yourself because you are having the hard ones, you know just do you, do you?
Speaker 1:do you All right? That's been another episode of let that shift go podcast. I'm Noel and I'm Lena.
Speaker 2:Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at Let that Shift Go, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.