Let That Shift Go
People Prefer the Versions of You They Can Control
When was the last time you felt truly free? Join Lena and Noel in this episode of Let That Shift Go as they unravel their personal journeys of transformation, from Lena's exhilarating liberation after quitting her job to Noel's youthful realization of independence. We dive into the complexities of personal growth and how these shifts can jolt the people around us out of their comfort zones. Discover how setting boundaries and abandoning people-pleasing behaviors can not only challenge those close to us but also carve a path toward profound self-growth.
In our discussion on boundaries, we underscore the significant impact a mother's mental health has on her child's well-being, stressing the necessity of self-reflection. We confront the resistance and fear of isolation that often accompanies breaking old patterns, and how moving away from indirect communication can be both difficult and freeing. As we share our insights, we aim to empower listeners to embrace the discomfort of change, recognizing it as an essential part of personal development.
Recognizing red flags in relationships, particularly verbal abuse, is crucial for healthy growth. We talk about identifying these early signs and the importance of addressing them with compassion and clear communication. Noel reflects on how others' perceptions of him changed as he evolved, and we highlight the role of empathy and active listening in navigating these shifts. Join us in this episode to better understand the nuanced dance of personal and relational growth, and how to foster supportive environments for transformation.
When was the last time you felt truly free? Join Lena and Noel in this episode of Let That Shift Go as they unravel their personal journeys of transformation, from Lena's exhilarating liberation after quitting her job to Noel's youthful realization of independence. We dive into the complexities of personal growth and how these shifts can jolt the people around us out of their comfort zones. Discover how setting boundaries and abandoning people-pleasing behaviors can not only challenge those close to us but also carve a path toward profound self-growth.
In our discussion on boundaries, we underscore the significant impact a mother's mental health has on her child's well-being, stressing the necessity of self-reflection. We confront the resistance and fear of isolation that often accompanies breaking old patterns, and how moving away from indirect communication can be both difficult and freeing. As we share our insights, we aim to empower listeners to embrace the discomfort of change, recognizing it as an essential part of personal development.
Recognizing red flags in relationships, particularly verbal abuse, is crucial for healthy growth. We talk about identifying these early signs and the importance of addressing them with compassion and clear communication. Noel reflects on how others' perceptions of him changed as he evolved, and we highlight the role of empathy and active listening in navigating these shifts. Join us in this episode to better understand the nuanced dance of personal and relational growth, and how to foster supportive environments for transformation.
Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.
Speaker 2:And I'm Lina.
Speaker 1:And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between.
Speaker 2:We just talk mad shift.
Speaker 1:Let's get into it. And on this week's episode, when people think your shift really stinks people don't like what you're going through yeah, they don't they don't like the pushback.
Speaker 2:The quote is people prefer the version of you that they can control.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the versions of you.
Speaker 2:Versions. The version they prefer is the one that they've been able to control.
Speaker 1:And when you step out of that lane?
Speaker 2:It can get a little uncomfortable for everyone. But first let's get into these skin deep cards.
Speaker 1:Okay, you go first.
Speaker 2:What emotion can you tell I hide the most? How can you tell I'm hiding it?
Speaker 1:Fear. Okay, you try to hide the most and you kind of joke just like that you laugh a little bit, you act like you'll kind of joke or you'll get really angry. One of the two, it just really depends on the scenario. But your fear goes right to anger.
Speaker 2:It goes to the extreme.
Speaker 1:You'll laugh, Like in this case.
Speaker 2:you were probably fearing what the answer was going to be.
Speaker 1:But you know, other times you'll get really like snippy. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah. Damn it, Mondo. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:That's fair.
Speaker 1:That's fair. That's fair. Okay, my question is describe a period in your life when you felt most free.
Speaker 2:Oh, probably. Well, I feel very free right now. I will say I feel very free right now.
Speaker 1:Describe like a moment when you knew you were like wow, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like for me when I went skydiving recently, when I left my oh no, what did I feel free? Yeah, when I left my job at Reach, I felt very free. I also felt very scared. Yeah. But I did feel free. I felt free very scared yeah, but I did feel free. I felt free to create, I felt free to you know kind of explore what was going to be next. But that did not come with some fear.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, other than that. The first thing I was thinking of was when I was like 15 and I first started to drive and I was like I'm free. I had this like old beat up Volkswagen with a speaker on the floor.
Speaker 1:I remember that red one.
Speaker 2:And I had a job at SeaWorld and so I had money, you know, and I was like man I am free. This is life right now.
Speaker 1:Was it scary at first, though Kind of thing.
Speaker 2:No, no, I was not scared. I Was it scary at first, though.
Speaker 1:Kind of thing.
Speaker 2:No, no I was not scared, I was so ready, okay. So I think that's when I felt the most free. You know, also naive, but free. So Hmm. I like that 15 and 52 or 50.
Speaker 1:All right, so let's get into this episode. Okay, people prefer the versions of you that they can control episode.
Speaker 2:People prefer the versions of you that they can control. So what inspired this exploration of this is for me. I work with a lot of people who are on their healing journey. So when I say the healing journey, it's where they've done some self reflection. They really start to look at themselves. They really start to look at like, yeah, why am I unhappy, why am I inwardly miserable right now? Maybe outwardly successful, but I'm inwardly miserable. Why is that? And when they start to do some work on themselves and realize they've been people pleasing, yeah.
Speaker 2:They have not been setting any boundaries, they've not been speaking up. Taking care of themselves, taking care of themselves and they start to stop doing that Sounds like codependency yeah, all the things I suffer from.
Speaker 2:Right. So when you start working on those things and then there's a choice to change it or stay the same, oftentimes if you're here, you're probably wanting to change it, and so what happens? What I see happen a lot of times is like people start speaking up and saying and saying this is how I feel about that, I no longer want to do this, or whatever. Or they start just kind of asserting themselves in a healthy way. The people around them, who are used to the version of them that would just say yes all the time. That would just be quiet, don't like it and it's uncomfortable, and so oftentimes they'll be like why are things kind of getting worse in some ways and it is. It's like looking around at the reaction that you're getting from people when you are saying no or when you are speaking up. It's different.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm thinking about me at home, my home situation, where I was verbally abusive and it wasn't until Ellen decided that she had enough. And she decided to set a boundary and then I was like what is that? Because in previous years I was used to people just I don't know, for lack of a better term bowing down and just whatever Noel says goes for lack of a better term bowing down and just whatever Noel says goes. He's kind of the boss.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was easier than suffering the wrath.
Speaker 1:Because, yeah, I was controlling, to say the least. So it wasn't until Ellen set a boundary that I, from the other side of it, had to go. Ooh well, it made things worse. Why are you trying to screw up the marriage? Why are you trying to like this is how it's been forever and you're trying to change the rules now? This is how it's been and you didn't like that. I didn't like that at all.
Speaker 2:What did you find yourself saying or how did you push back?
Speaker 1:Well, it was just an argument. You're challenging my masculinity kind of a thing, and it wasn't until, you know, I found my own healing and tried to go. Why am I like this? Why am I Everybody's like? You're forced into that. Yeah, you know, I'm just walking around thinking like you know. If there weren't any assholes who would let the shit out, that was my excuse.
Speaker 2:Wow, I changed for no one. That's not a good mantra.
Speaker 1:I know, I know this was me. So yeah, from the other side of it, I was hearing what you were saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, it's common and it kind of forces. It kind of calls people forward. I don't want to say forces them to change, but it calls them. It can it can be an opportunity to call that person forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I prefer the version where she I'm not calling you out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she called me forward. I'm calling person forward. Yeah, I prefer the version where she you know I'm not calling you out. Yeah, she called me forward.
Speaker 1:I'm calling you forward. Oh, I'm so happy. This has been the greatest gift. Yeah. To be called forward. Yeah. Yeah, Cause I'm so much. You know father's day is coming up and I feel like I'm so much more capable of being a better father today because of what somebody set their own boundary, you know, and I didn't like the version she changed into, but I do now. Yeah, I appreciate it. I'm thankful. At that time I was absolutely not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it pushed you to change into a version of yourself that you prefer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and first it got worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it had to get worse because I had to really figure out suffer through the ego. Oof, yeah, yeah, it had to get worse because I had to really figure out suffer through the ego.
Speaker 2:Oof. Yeah, that's the thing, thing that gets challenged. When somebody's pushing back and you know it's not the version of them that you can control, the ego starts to really flare up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was hard for me because that was like pushing me down, like ah, how dare you, how dare you yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the. That's what a lot of people get is how dare you, how dare you, Do you?
Speaker 1:know how hard I work, who do?
Speaker 2:you think you are.
Speaker 1:Well, I didn't say that because she's oh man, she's a firecracker on her own, but yeah, yeah, I really had to sit with myself and pull that in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for me. I know when Armando and I we talk about our relationship from way, way back and at a time before we separated and we're getting divorced, that really was the catalyst is I was not the version that he was used to, so he knew me from 13 and up and the wife, mother, trying to make everything perfect and look a certain way and kind of in these roles we were in role mates and so when I started to push back and assert myself, well, that was very uncomfortable. He no longer liked me because I was not as submissive as I had been in the past. But that was necessary for me to kind of grow and that was a that was a rough road. I mean, it was the what we thought at the time, the end of our relationship, because you know, I was not going to not be me.
Speaker 1:It's so important to have. I read a statistic that said 78% chance of a happy child depends on the mother's mental health. Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1:If you have a happy, well-balanced mother, 78% chance that child will be. You know better off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it behooves you to.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I mean, we spend so much time being myself and pushing down, suppressing Ellen's feelings or her wanting to, until she stood up to me and said hey, enough's enough, but for many years before, even for yourself, like you said, until you stood up. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well because we go into, we have these when it's the version of you that they're used to, which is this is what you always do. You know you don't fight back, you don't push back.
Speaker 2:You don't go do this, go learn this, go do that, and now you are. It's like I don't even know who you are. I prefer the person that you were before. So you know that's the part where it gets pretty hard and the inclination sometimes is to revert back because you know how to do that. You know. So if you're the person kind of pushing in, working on yourself, doing a lot of self-reflection, and it's not easy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I prefer not to be that person now. Ah, yeah, from the other side of it, I prefer not to be that version of myself, the version you were, the version I was. Yes, yeah, not to be that version of myself, the version you were. The version I was. Yes, there, you know who I was, how I was answering. I mean, I'm so deeply hurt now it's like, oh man, how. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But, see you start pushing up against a lot of barriers though, because you have a whole, you know your whole crowd is used to you a certain way, when you talk about even with friendships when you go through your healing journey with friendships, when you go through your healing journey, quote unquote, and you start to go.
Speaker 2:You know I don't really like drinking anymore or I don't like talking crap all the time. I don't want to get together and gossip all the time. It doesn't feel good. Then you probably you're less popular in that group, you know. And so it's like, well, there's maybe a fear that you're going to be alone now you know, and so that's because the people that you're used to that was the role you were in that group or in a family or whatever.
Speaker 1:I told you I went to a football showcase in Oregon this weekend and was traveling with my son and some of his football teammates and we're having lunch or whatever, and there was a bunch of smack talk kind of thing. Oh, yeah. Boys amongst boys. You know football players, and that was me and I would have been all about that.
Speaker 2:In past times In past times.
Speaker 1:However, sitting through it now, it was like it made me so uncomfortable Because that version of me was like, oh, they were talking smack about each other and I was like, oh, that's so hurtful. Now I just see the other side of it. So it made me uncomfortable in that situation, recognizing like, ah, you know even friends that I hang out with. Now it's kind of the same way and I feel different about it now. I don't prefer that version of me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the other way I've seen it show up in families or friends is if you've ever heard of the triangulation, triangulation is a psychological term.
Speaker 2:So it's like a manipulative tactic, so it's like where it's using this indirect communication. So let's say, you and I, you know, or we're friends and we have a third friend, who's we? We, you and I always talk crap about that third friend, or I'm calling you to be like can you believe? Joe did this again. And so now we're in this triangle, Joe's over here and you and I are talking about him, and it's just like this manipulative effect of getting you on my side that we're both against this person, right? Or I'm the person you complain about, about this person. And so pretty soon you know it's a manipulation. But it's like what, if one of you, one of us, is like I'm no, I no longer feel good about this, Like I actually love Joe or I respect him and I probably didn't like it at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if I set a boundary. Yep.
Speaker 2:And maybe you're the one that's usually in control of the conversation. So if you'll find yourself a lot of times in a triangulation and when you start to heal and do some self-reflection and see that that really doesn't feel good, I don't really want to be a part of it and pull back, Well, then that person's going to be like well, what do you mean? What are you doing? Why aren't we doing this anymore?
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, you should talk to Joe yourself. If you've got a really problem with Joe, just why don't you let him know?
Speaker 2:Well, if Joe's not on his healing journey, what happens is me and Joe start talking crap about you, and now you're on the out, you're on the other side of the triangle, got it. So it just can keep bouncing around, but that's another thing to be aware of. I've seen that happen quite a bit. So you know, or people pleasing, people pleasing is a big one. Yeah. When people start to kind of become more aware that they don't want to do that anymore, that it's costing them their mental health. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Their energy. You know all of that, and so when you start saying no, when you're the person who always says yes, whoa, it's like who does she think she is or what's wrong with her, you know, and that can be uncomfortable if you're not far enough along that you can be like, yeah, this is why this, I feel good about it. Whenever you think about it, it's none of my business. That can be hard for somebody who's been a lifetime people pleaser, you know, or, and a lot of that is a trauma response. Anyway, it's trying to mitigate all of the personalities around you and make sure everybody's happy.
Speaker 2:Everybody sees your worth Right At your own expense and you find your worth in doing everything for everyone else, or always being the person who hosts or, you know, picks up or takes them to the airport or whatever, and it's like but then when you call on, them they're like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy and you're like what?
Speaker 1:Do you know what I did for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so people pleasers, I think for sure probably get this a lot, because people who doesn't prefer the version of the people pleaser when you're the one benefiting from it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and like professionally I found you know for work was.
Speaker 1:You know, being in the service industry, sometimes I would get calls 9, 10, 11, 12 o'clock at night, or text, and I was like, oh man, you know there's weekends and you know I got things with my family, we got all kinds of things going and I just couldn't be present because I was always fielding calls and then customers would be like, well, you don't answer, and I was like gosh, you know the beginning of my career.
Speaker 1:I just answered everything and drove everywhere to every part of the county, didn't matter. And it wasn't until I started saying no, I don't service those areas. Or I said you know what, I'm going to get a separate phone because otherwise I can't set a boundary. And it wasn't until I had to tell customers like, listen, I also have a family and we don't do work on the weekends unless it has to be scheduled or something like that. And once I explained to other customers, I would say 99% were okay. It was just a few that were like, no, I need somebody to be on call 24 hours a day. That was the only time. But aside from that, once I set that boundary for myself, I got some pushback but I was able to give a version of myself that wasn't the people pleasing always, because I started to reflect and see how it affected not only my family but myself.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I mean that creates a level of stress, and then even on the weekend you're feeling stressed. So I like how you bring up professionally, because it definitely isn't just personal, or in your most closest relationships or with family, parents, same thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:A lot of times with parents. But professionally, if you're the person at work that always picks up, that is always, you know, kind of going beyond, or is always available, even when it's not work time. And suddenly you're like, you know, actually, one, it's not legal for the labor board and two, you're not. I'm not being paid for that. Like, that's not, it's not really what is in the expectation of my job description, but you've been doing it for so long. And when you start having to push back, then yeah, they're going to prefer the old version, you know so. But that's okay. It's okay to be able to push back and say no, especially if you're protecting your mental health. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know. So what are some of the other ways that you think people can set a healthy boundary? You know Well, I would say. Answering my own question is one of our past podcasts was expectations versus boundaries.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 1:It's really just, you know, really saying this is my expectation or what is your expectation, and then being able to communicate what your boundary is with that, yeah, and sometimes even professionally, like you do all these things with an expectation that you're gonna get a raise or a promotion, but you get passed up on that promotion because you never expressed that you wanted it, because you thought you were doing that by doing all this extra work. But then Susie or Bobby got the job, even though you had more experience or whatever, but you got passed up because you didn't show any interest. You were just, you were outwardly showing it with your work but not actually communicating it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so being able to communicate, it becomes sort of I mean, that is part of becoming more of your authentic self is being able to express what you need, what you want, and do it in a healthy way.
Speaker 1:Think want and need. Everybody's got those, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. So I don't know. I want people to walk away with you know, being able to have some tools to be able to navigate this phenomena, which is that people prefer the version of you that they can control and really being able to have some communication tools.
Speaker 1:Well, what are some before we give them the tools? What are some red flags that maybe people would stand out?
Speaker 2:That this is going on. Well, I mean a lot of obvious ones, which is, you know, there's a lot of pushback.
Speaker 1:Well, that's obvious to us. But if somebody's just going through like see me and you, we've been going through the battles of it, but let's just say somebody's you know, early into this part of their relationship where they're starting to push back or they're feeling like you know my husband's or my wife can be both, is verbally abusive and I think I need to stand up for myself and not be a people pleaser kind of thing. What if they're just entering that, you know, pre-contemplation type part?
Speaker 2:What can they do?
Speaker 1:Well, what can they do? Or what, what things? How do they know? For sure, this is what's going on. Oh, the red flags, yeah.
Speaker 2:So the red flags of being like there's a lot of challenge, they're challenging you know this new behavior, so that kind of is like an ad. They're getting uncomfortable and you know the really is just having some compassion, right, because we don't want to just be like, how you know, I'm going to do this and you're going to have to deal with it. It's just having compassion for the fact that this is kind of natural. We have been one way for a long time and this is a new way.
Speaker 1:It's a growth.
Speaker 2:It's growth, and so this is a place where they're going to have to kind of understand that this is part of your growth. But you have to understand also that it's hard for them, it's a loss of control, it's a change in the environment, and that challenges their safety. Is my relationship safe, because now you're no longer like this and it's like, yeah, actually it could be even safer because now we both want to be here and we can both be ourselves. But it's just having compassion for the other person as well, that it's hard for them and understanding that If you weren't the one who was maybe shifting first and your partner was like you know what, I'm no longer doing this, this, and that it's like, oh okay, that would be kind of hard for you, you'd maybe be wondering do they even want to be with me anymore?
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's. There's some tact to it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think communicating it, you know, especially if you're you are kind of doing some self-discovery and kind of figuring out like these things don't make me happy, this you know.
Speaker 1:I would like to first find out what are the things that make you happy and what you feel uncomfortable with, and the places that you want to feel you make growth and change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean there's. You know, the thing is like people seek their healing for different reasons. It's not just relationship, or you know anxiety or whatever, or you know just drinking or whatever. It is whatever you're trying to do to numb yourself. A lot of times it's even physical. I mean, I, I have, I have clients who have, who have suffered from severe migraines for so long, throat problems and when we dial it back, a lot of times that is tied to an emotional root of not speaking up right and just kind of holding all of that in your head, in your throat, in your shoulders, which manifest as physical symptoms.
Speaker 2:So sometimes it is, it's better for their health to be able to kind of move into that space, and if that's your partner or your friend or your loved one, none of us wants them to suffer with physical you know disabilities because of it or if it's pain or any of that.
Speaker 2:So, really, kind of supporting the environment for someone to be able to change, especially when it's tied to their emotional or physical health, and being able to communicate that, like maybe saying you know, I think a lot of this, these issues that I'm having are because I'm not speaking up and this is making me unhappy and I really need to let you know about it, you know. So being able to communicate that, not from a place of blame but a place of like calling them forward into the understanding and really, you know, maybe the benefit of the doubt is that they want that for you too, right, hopefully they do. But being able to make them a part of that probably would make it easier to transition and say I probably am going to be changing a few things, a few of the behaviors that I've had.
Speaker 1:If there's a situation where they don't feel safe to say that, then they can certainly reach into the community and get some advocate or some family or some professional help. Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:Because that may be a situation with you know, if they're not safe, if they're not safe. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or if they feel like a partner is gonna react adversely.
Speaker 2:You gotta know your audience. Yeah, you gotta know your audience.
Speaker 1:So finding a safe way to do that. Yeah definitely finding a safe way to do that? Yeah, definitely. And building your own vocabulary and knowledge so that you can communicate the best of your ability. Yeah, you know and know yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because this is a two-sided coin. You know it's not just like hey, I'm changing and you're gonna have to deal with it. It's understanding that we all have a level of comfortability and routine and patterns that we're used to and probably trying to break out of and that's. You know it's not easy for both people or both sides, and that this have a level of understanding that it is hard. It's hard for the person who is used to you a certain way it's hard for you to be able to push through into new growth. But be aware of that be you know and communicate that that this is possibly something that we might run into. How do you want to do this together?
Speaker 2:If that's safe for you to communicate. But other than that is just to know that this is common. You know that when you are kind of changing the way that you have been operating in the world, that some people are going to be uncomfortable with it, and that there's this opportunity then to say, well, this is no longer for me. If it's a group of friends that you're constantly gossiping with and you know that when you leave that dinner you feel like crap, you might need to find some new friends. What is it you are?
Speaker 2:the five people you surround yourself with, the books you read all of that, so that might be something for you to do. But in your closer relationships is to communicate. I'm going to be, you know, doing this work. I want your support on it. Things could get a little different, but let's work through it, let's communicate about it. Who realized like she's doing everything you know in the household, like all of the maintenance, all of the you know the work, all of the behind the scenes stuff, and it's like completely depleting her, you know, but that was tied to her a lot of her own people pleasing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Right, so it's a self-inflicted.
Speaker 1:Self-sabotage.
Speaker 2:It's a self-inflicted wound.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You've kind of taught everyone how to treat you and take responsibility for your part in that You've taught everyone how to treat you. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So, now that you're wanting to do something different is to do it in a way where you can kind of get everybody on board that this is going to be the best thing for me, which then would be the best thing for our family, and I would want you to do the same, so that, if this is you to do the same, so that, if this is the mom and you have these kids and they're going to grow up to also be in relationships, in partnerships, it's just emulating that capability and that kind of right to be able to speak up for yourself and to be able to have equitability in a relationship.
Speaker 1:So I think yeah, it's taking full accountability of yourself. Yeah. I mean it's so helpful in every situation. Yeah, just to see it that way, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And really realizing that full accountability is that you had something to do with that version of you that they got used to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And when you're wanting to push and grow into a new version, is just communicating that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I'm trying to, you know, heal relationships with my kids and with my wife, but I also have to take into consideration everything that I've trained them to be used to me being. Yeah. And now I'm trying to get them to see a different version of me. Yeah. But the hard part is giving them the grace to go. Yeah, you know. Please see this line here in that same way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're disrupting, you know, the the kind of perceived equilibrium of the relationship, and so it's like, well, it may have been equal for you, but it wasn't for me, and now it needs to shift and so let's do it together. It doesn't have to be an argument, it doesn't have to be like an assumption that they don't want to join you on that. Maybe just an opportunity, you know, to communicate.
Speaker 1:Well, I think, when it's, when I see it's hard for the other person, I feel the shame more. In what way?
Speaker 1:Just like if I see it's hard for them, I feel like, oh, it hurts. The pain of what I did is more intense in the moment. You see what I'm saying. So if I'm trying to have that conversation, it would be if I sense a little bit Resistance, yeah, then it's almost like, oh, there's that shame. That's what causes the tension. So where it's not, I'm okay, you're okay. You know what I mean. Within me, that's what's going on. Yeah, so what do you do?
Speaker 1:Well, stay in neutral you know becoming the observer and really, like you said, the equilibrium, and realizing that I had this something to do with why this isn't easy right now I'm taking full accountability of my part on why this isn't easy. I get angry that, come on, we should fix this. Why are we wasting any more time not loving each other unconditionally? You know, I see it as that way, but the other person doesn't see it that way yet because of my part in it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, it goes both ways, because you were the controller and now it's kind of flipped back. Yeah, but they're kind of used to you having been that. So there is also going to be some trust issues on. Is this real, is this safe? Yeah, is this going to last?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know so it goes on both ways. It's not that they pervert that version of you, but that's the one they knew how to deal with. You know, so it it is, it's, it's in all spectrums of the healing journey is when you're growing and you're changing. Just know that the people around you may not be ready, may not be used to it, and so it's. Just invite them into the conversation of why why this is important for you and probably important for the relationship, why why this is important for you and probably important for the relationship. But again, also being able to kind of, you know, walk away from situations that aren't going to support you in that forward motion and knowing that that's okay too.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It doesn't mean anything about them, it doesn't mean anything about you. It's just the most healthy thing for you to do for yourself. So yeah.
Speaker 1:Man.
Speaker 2:The versions, the versions of you, that they can control or that they're used to Well.
Speaker 1:sometimes I feel like they prefer some of the old versions of me. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:The angry version.
Speaker 1:No, not so much. It's just, you know, because I didn't just change the angry version. Like you just change at a core level. So, some of those may be fun or whatever.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Oh well, the version of you that was the crap talker.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ooh, that one that's. That's probably the biggest one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, people probably preferred the crap talker version. They knew how to deal with that. Yeah. Because you, you kind of got together, probably for part of that reason.
Speaker 1:I feel now, when I'm in a conversation, people just look to see what I'm going to say, but when I stay silent, they're just like fuck, he didn't say anything. I said it in my head, trust.
Speaker 2:Doesn't all have to come out All right. Well, just yeah, active listening and empathy to understand each other's perspective. I think that is the key to it so more to come on that later. I'm Noel and I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on insta at let that shift go, or visit our website.