Lessons in Love: Teaching Kids by Example, Not Fear

What if the key to personal growth lies in the lessons we learn from children? Join us as we uncover the profound insights that come from parenting and the continual journey of self-healing. In this episode of the Let that Shift Go podcast, we start with a thought-provoking conversation using Skin Deep healing edition cards, where we explore our differing views on risk-taking and how our responses to conflict have evolved over time. Noel opens up about her transformation from a fearless flight nurse to someone who now values caution, while Lena shares her struggles with defensiveness, especially when receiving criticism from loved ones.

Moving deeper into personal reflections, Noel reveals the heartwarming moments she observed when her grown children cared for their young cousins with pure, unconditional love. This leads us into a broader discussion on the importance of teaching self-love to children not through fear, but by setting a positive example. We bravely confront our past parenting mistakes influenced by fear and projection, and the subsequent guilt and unresolved emotions these methods have left behind. An introspective look at a revealing text from Noel's son serves as a powerful reminder of our ongoing need for growth and understanding in relationships.

As we strive for self-forgiveness, we explore the impact of self-judgment on our mental well-being and the importance of being present and mindful. A recent experience with young nieces teaches us valuable lessons about slowing down and responding thoughtfully. Committed to fostering better self-awareness and emotional regulation, we discuss new practices such as refraining from cursing and embracing open, non-defensive communication. We conclude with a heartfelt invitation for listeners to share their stories and feedback, encouraging a collective journey of healing and self-improvement. Tune in, and don't forget to like, share, and follow for more insightful discussions.

https://www.serenitycovetemecula.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

Hello and welcome to the Let that Shift Go podcast. I'm Noel.

Speaker 2: 0:10

And I'm Lina.

Speaker 1: 0:11

And this is where we talk about the good, the bad and all the shift in between. We just talk mad shift, let's get into it and on this week's episode, when you recognize that your kids are actually your teachers they become your teachers. I think they've always been.

Speaker 2: 0:30

Yeah, when you have to open yourself to it. Yeah, you just got to get to it, humble yourself to it, humble yourself Got to be vulnerable enough to listen. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 0:39

But before we get into that, let's do the Skin Deep cards.

Speaker 2: 0:42

All right, we're in the healing edition.

Speaker 1: 0:44

The healing edition. I'll go first.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Okay.

Speaker 1: 0:47

What is a value we do not share in common, and why do you think that is?

Speaker 2: 0:52

A value we do not share in common. Um, I would say probably like doing super risky things.

Speaker 1: 1:07

And why is that?

Speaker 2: 1:08

Probably because of my own background in flight nursing, I've seen too many times the other side of like hey, hold my beer, you know, and so it kind of poses like this level of caution in me that avoids high risk.

Speaker 1: 1:27

Were you like that when you were younger, though? Or is that only because of being a flight nurse?

Speaker 2: 1:32

No, you know what. When I was younger, do you know what I wanted? To be A stunt woman.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Okay.

Speaker 2: 1:37

So no, it was after working in the emergency room and after working in Life know, in Life Flight it was. That pretty much changed my view. But yeah, when I was a kid, when I was about nine, what I wanted to be was a stunt woman. Was there a TV show?

Speaker 1: 1:56

that made that dream.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Maybe Charlie's Angels, I don't know. But I remember being a kid and like putting my friends on my handlebars and then jumping ramps, you know, and that was like, yeah, let's do it. So I did. I thought I would be a stunt woman. I didn't want to be the star, I wanted to be the one doing the fun, crazy stunts, you know. So totally changed. But yeah, it's not one we share. We share still.

Speaker 1: 2:22

No, so what's your card?

Speaker 2: 2:24

All right. Mine is what would you say is your initial reaction to conflict?

Speaker 1: 2:31

Now or before? I mean, what is my initial reaction to conflict? Try to be super realistic and honest with that. I think my first reaction is to question where I'm at, not physically or geographically, but how am I feeling? Am I already triggered? Am I where? Where am I emotionally before I react? I think that's kind of the first thing. And then the second thing is like why?

Speaker 2: 3:03

Yeah, yeah. Why is this happening?

Speaker 1: 3:06

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:07

I'd say based on even our last podcast.

Speaker 1: 3:09

Yeah that, that's grown a lot. Yeah, it's evolving and changing, and what we've also recognized is that, depending on who it comes from, yes. Those levels may not have changed as much as I have thought I have changed.

Speaker 2: 3:24

So when things are more somebody closer to you.

Speaker 1: 3:27

Yeah, the personal connections.

Speaker 2: 3:28

Personal, then you're maybe not as able to distance yourself from what's happening.

Speaker 1: 3:34

Yeah, I was able to go where am I at emotionally?

Speaker 1: 3:37

Yeah, like taking criticism from Aiden from my son, my oldest son. I wasn't able to hear that or I was just so offended by it because my oldest son is going to school to study psychology, and so I feel like I'm just being psychoanalyzed by my son and the fact is is that I didn't realize how much I respect his opinion, so much so that it affected me so deeply. But I use the emotion of anger to kind of deflect and not really feel it, because I'm very sensitive to criticism from those who I hold dear, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 4:19

Do you feel like you go more into a defensive state rather than to be? Hmm, that's not really about me, or it's not true? You don't even know me.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Yeah, that's a constant thing that I've always been super defensive, which has led to, I mean, why I've been in so many conflicts, you know, and it's kept me stuck because in some ways I've been very blind to it until that experience, you know, from the guy calling my truck a refrigerator and you know berating me to then moments at home where I was like, huh, I wonder why I could have done it with that, where it was so blatantly Rude.

Speaker 2: 5:00

Rude.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Rude Rude, but something that may be closer to home, that maybe I question within myself, hits so hard.

Speaker 2: 5:11

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:15

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 5:15

All right.

Speaker 1: 5:17

Well, let's get into this episode.

Speaker 1: 5:18

So this came about because after this weekend I did some writing and I wrote a letter to myself, just because it was in my head. And this weekend my nieces came over and there are three, I think forgive me if I don't know their exact ages, but there are three nine and 12. And they haven't all spent the weekend together with us because the youngest one is so young it's very difficult to manage and they're all three girls, which we only have boys, so I've never really raised girls. And so when they came over this weekend and my boys absolutely shared in helping kind of keep things covered while we were cooking or we were running errands and doing this, and that they just stepped way up. And so after this weekend, last night I was just reflecting and I wrote, so I'll just read you what I wrote.

Speaker 2: 6:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 6:10

The best give you can give to your child is to show them how to love themselves. After watching my grown children guide, listen and play with their young cousins with unconditional love today, it opened my eyes. That is something that us as adults forget to do. We are so busy trying to prevent a trauma that we create another. We do not need to put fear into our kids to make them listen. We may consider teaching them by example, like my sons showed me today. They showed me the way they would have preferred.

Speaker 1: 6:43

I raised them Because, in all honesty, I did not have the patience these young men did. I did not raise them without fear. I did not guide my children by example. I scared them with consequences. I did not listen to my kids because I was too busy projecting my own fears onto them. I may have considered guiding by example, things like teaching them. I brush my teeth because I love myself. I wash my hands because I love myself. I clean my room because I love myself. I really wish I had done better. I did my best at the time, but now I must do better. I realize that I'm still holding on to the guilt of who I've been and I stopped there, but I feel like there's so much more because I have just pulled the thread on this.

Speaker 2: 7:33

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:34

And really just you know. Recognizing that these boys had so much more patient than I ever had and the ways that I was hurt as a kid, I tried to raise my kids in the opposite and I recognize my son's doing that this weekend.

Speaker 2: 7:53

Ah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:54

And it created a lot of guilt in me. I was like, oh, I still have so much guilt. And then, speaking with you today, I realized that this guilt is still what's making my triggers so reactive.

Speaker 2: 8:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Because I'm I'm processing all these emotions, I'm doing my breath work, I'm trying to stay balanced every day, every day, but I haven't really chosen myself.

Speaker 2: 8:20

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:21

You know, and um, dealt with the guilt? Yeah, I feel like I have, but there was a level that I haven't reached or been willing to see. I've been blind to it.

Speaker 2: 8:32

Yeah, I know when we talked, you know you said and then the suggestion was perhaps you are still carrying guilt, you know, for how you parented or the way that you were, there was, you know, growing up there was a lot of anger and outbursts and things that looking back, you regret. But I think even in you know, talking about how, when you're triggered, when there's criticism of you if the way you parented or the way that you act or any of that that there is some level of guilt that you hold. That's why you're not still free in that area, like there's still that unprocessed, you know, emotion around how you did things before you knew.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:13

You know, when you're moving in this process of healing and becoming more aware of your actions, how it, you know, affects other people and choices they make, choices you make and you're moving through all of that. It's a lot to process right and you do the best that you can. And then these moments where you see this example of your kids taking care of their nieces in a way that was like the opposite right that you described.

Speaker 1: 9:39

They're both grown men. They're 18 and 22.

Speaker 2: 9:41

Yeah, and to see them kind of parent, know parent, like doing parenting tasks with these kids and being able to say like, oh, they did it with love, they did it with patience, and to know that the reflection was I didn't do that.

Speaker 1: 9:56

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:57

So there's definitely like a level of holding of guilt over that. So how do you, how do you process that?

Speaker 1: 10:10

Well, this weekend was, you know, recognizing there was a stark contrast, was the beginning of something that I haven't been really willing to see. It's something, I mean, I know that this is something that I've been working on, but there's a level still of manipulation that justifies even my current actions, and I say that I'm trying to become more aware, but I'm still blind to things. Yeah, you think that you got it all figured out, but then experiences happen, or conflict happens, and there's some growth, there's some, you know, some room to grow.

Speaker 2: 10:41

Yeah, it's just showing you a part where you're not free.

Speaker 1: 10:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:45

Right, yeah, those triggers are showing you where you're not free.

Speaker 1: 10:49

Yeah, I realized I went back and read the texts from Aiden from a previous conflict and the ways in which he called me forward, you know, and it was super offensive to me, but it was very on point.

Speaker 2: 11:07

Yeah, maybe that's why it hurt so much yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:09

And he even said that within the text. And it took some time, because the first thing that I did I have a hard time with criticism. So the first thing that I did was you know, where am I? How am I feeling? Where am I at right now? Oh, I'm tilted. The next one is why? Why is he doing this? You know, but it never led me to like pull back and recognize that my son is trying to tell me something.

Speaker 2: 11:36

You know, to tell me something you know.

Speaker 1: 11:39

And this conflict is an opportunity for me to grow.

Speaker 2: 11:45

Yeah. But I can only do that if I really truly listen, yes, and not defend.

Speaker 1: 11:51

And not defend.

Speaker 2: 11:52

Yeah, to try to understand, and sometimes it almost takes removing yourself from the reaction and just observing what's happening and why, and observing it from both points of view, almost stepping into his shoes and being able to think about what that must have felt like to write and what frame of mind was that person in, and that it must have been a hard thing to do. Or you know where are they at to want to do it, but that takes you stepping out of yourself and able to look at that view, and when you're in defense it's really hard to do that.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Yeah, I mean, I felt like I took the step of I really did ask myself what must I have done to him to make him speak to me this way? But that wasn't. That was more of like maybe blaming him, like what? Not really accepting what I've done, you know, or what I'm still doing, and because there's a lot of things that I think that I've changed, but there's some core ways that I haven't.

Speaker 2: 13:04

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:05

And not being willing to see those because I'm already dealing with so much of the stuff that I'm pulling up.

Speaker 2: 13:10

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:11

You know, but I think it's a process and there's, you know, to the resolution. There's a timeline and I can't rush my healing.

Speaker 2: 13:20

No.

Speaker 1: 13:21

But, like when things come up like this, this is my opportunity to grow. But there's been several opportunities but I've shunted them because I haven't been willing to listen.

Speaker 2: 13:33

During those other opportunities, what was? What did you do?

Speaker 1: 13:37

Shut it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like why is he? You know, he has no life experience. He doesn't understand. You know, yeah, he's studying psychology, but you know he hasn't been bitten by the bug of consequence. So, yeah, in a book it works out these ways, but in reality you're in an uncontrolled environment that make life go anyway every way possible, and so I justified it by that.

Speaker 2: 14:05

Ah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:06

And all those could be true, but it's not taking ownership and accountability for me. It's making excuses.

Speaker 2: 14:14

Yeah, or coming to the place of compassion, of what frame of mind he must have been in to write it.

Speaker 1: 14:21

Yeah, and I think, in some ways, this healing that I'm going through and talking about the things that have happened to me may come across to those that I've hurt closest to me as excuses for why I am the way that I am. I am the way that I am.

Speaker 1: 14:35

There are more excuses and justifying why I did the thing I did, did the things that I've done, talked to them the way you know. It's like raising them with fear, consequence, conditional love If you don't do this, then you don't get that and not really truly supporting them and empowering them.

Speaker 2: 14:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:57

And that's why I was saying, when I was thinking last night, I was like, yeah, instead of telling them, if you don't brush your teeth, and you know you don't get this and you don't we're going to take something away. You know what we're going to take care of ourselves. This is how we love ourselves, we brush our teeth and we feel better All these things. I don't know if that's reality or realistic. That's something that I could try to do from this point forward. Yeah Is because I watched my kids. They were the teachers.

Speaker 2: 15:21

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:22

And I was like, yeah, why couldn't I do that? And so I think I hold guilt, yeah, behind that specifically.

Speaker 2: 15:33

Well, I think sometimes the best way to teach a kid anything is to emulate that behavior.

Speaker 1: 15:49

So if you're not in a position where you're loving yourself and taking care of yourself. How do they learn that? Yeah, and I think on the surface I've been doing a lot of things that look like I'm taking care of myself, but at the core, things I haven't.

Speaker 2: 15:57

Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 16:00

Tell me how you know. Stopping drinking and I lost a bunch of weight, got my braces. Just living healthier, eating healthier, spending more time with my family than just all caught up in work Like those things, all things that needed to change, and I'm able to celebrate those things, but maybe still using those as a deflection in some way for the things I haven't done yet, like, look what I've already done. Isn't that enough? Isn't that enough? Yeah?

Speaker 2: 16:32

Yeah, and then also, it doesn't negate what's been done in the past.

Speaker 1: 16:37

No.

Speaker 2: 16:38

Or even if we say well, you know, I realized that why I acted this way is because I was exposed to this, I was raised with violence, I was you know, yeah, but that all sounds like a cop-out to the person who's the other side of you know, being a victim of Noel. Yeah, it kind of just invalidates their ability to process what they've gone through. So in some ways it can be a manipulation.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Well, that is what I did not realize. I wasn't conscious of that, that it was a manipulation, I think. In some ways I asked myself how could I not know? But I think my brain was overriding to survive.

Speaker 2: 17:20

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:20

Because I didn't think I could handle.

Speaker 2: 17:22

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:25

Letting go of control.

Speaker 2: 17:26

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:27

You know, I think it's a big realization, I don't know, to come to this side of it and to be able to one see your kids and realize, wow, look at, they're showing me what they would have preferred as a parent, and that is bringing up this hurt in me for what I didn't do. That's going to be something for you to process. But how do you maybe even use that realization as a way to open up conversation with them, to allow them to express how they feel about how they were raised, you know, and be able to give them a voice?

Speaker 1: 18:04

Well, you know we talk so much about holding space, but that's what I need to be able to do. I haven't been able to hold space for the people that I've hurt.

Speaker 2: 18:13

Why do you think that is?

Speaker 1: 18:15

The guilt and I could tell you A month ago, if you asked me, am I still holding on to guilt and shame? I would have said no. Every time it comes up. I try to work through that, I try to process those emotions, but for some reason I haven't been able to recognize this one.

Speaker 2: 18:35

And it's always been. No, I don't think so. No, but then it's like when the rubber hits the road.

Speaker 1: 18:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:45

And you have a moment like this, there's something that it's pinging.

Speaker 1: 18:50

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:54

You know. So in some ways it may be that unprocessed guilt, Because if you haven't fully forgiven yourself, it's not neutral.

Speaker 1: 18:59

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:59

You know it's still sore, yeah, so there isn't a lot of space to be able to hold a conversation with someone that you've hurt if you haven't been able to forgive yourself and know that if I would have known better, I would have done better. And I need to forgive myself so that I can hold the space for you to be able to open up and process and have an opportunity to express with me how I've hurt you and me.

Speaker 2: 19:29

not move directly into a line of defense, because when I do, then that shuts down everything. That shuts down the conversation, then the other person will pull back. It's like oh, here we go. Now you're a victim again and I'm sure I have done that as well with my own kids, because the worst thing you can say to me is I'm a bad mom. Why? Because I care so much. Also, there's a part of me that probably holds a feeling, an innate feeling, that I didn't do it right and I didn't do good enough.

Speaker 1: 19:53

Yeah, you know, I think Well, parts of me really knows that I did the best that I could at the time. I mean, I really do believe with what I had on my table and all these things. I've always give 100% effort. I don't try not to do things the right way, but that doesn't negate whether or not, someone was hurt by your quote.

Speaker 2: 20:15

Unquote best.

Speaker 1: 20:17

No, right, yeah, it doesn't.

Speaker 2: 20:18

So when you say to them oh, I did the best I could.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Yeah, that's another invalidation.

Speaker 2: 20:23

Invalidation. There's nowhere to go with that.

Speaker 1: 20:26

Yeah, it's more like really sitting with. I'm sorry for what I've done and I can't change what's happened in the past, but I can do better from this point on. Yeah, that's way better than saying you know, when you know better, you do better. I had all these things happen to me. I'm sorry, but you know. End of story. Yeah, which is pretty much in a nutshell. We've had many conversations about my childhood and who I am, but I don't think that those things ever really landed for them.

Speaker 2: 20:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:57

I don't know why they would.

Speaker 2: 21:17

Well, if you think about, if you're still holding the pain of what happened to you, like, let's say that the person who hurt you the most came to you and said you know, I had a really rough childhood. And let's say you're a kid, you're early in your adulthood and there's no processing of, like what happened to you. Like, I understand what happened to you, why you acted that way, but where's my opportunity to feel what I feel about what happened to me that I'm angry that I didn't get things I needed and really being able to hold the space for that.

Speaker 2: 21:43

Yeah, you know just because you're in your healed version of yourself doesn't mean that the pain that you've caused other people is suddenly gone.

Speaker 1: 21:51

Or the healing version of myself, not the healed. The healing version of yeah exactly, exactly.

Speaker 2: 21:57

The evolving version of yourself.

Speaker 1: 21:59

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 22:00

So I think that that's a really good reflection, one for any parents who are parenting right now and really thinking about being able to parent from a place of where you would have preferred to have been parented.

Speaker 1: 22:14

Well, I don't think that I've been able to forgive myself or reflect without judging myself, and I think that's the component that's been missing, because I've. That's one thing that I do to others and I it's one of the things I call out on other people when they just judge, judge, judge. But I do it all the time internally.

Speaker 1: 22:33

I'm much better at not letting those things out of my head, you know, and keeping them as internal thoughts, but I still find my that in the inside talk, or internal talk, still in some ways supports that.

Speaker 2: 22:47

Yeah, so how are you going to do this different Huh?

Speaker 1: 22:54

Well, the self-reflection I've got some more reflection to do and some writing Um, just that little bit was just the tip right At the end of the weekend I was like, wow, this is one of the greatest weekends I've had in a long time. You know, spinning, it was almost like I think I told you I felt like I was a grandpa to my nieces are so young, because I'm 49 and I don't have young kids like that. And so when I was taking them through the playground, we were at the park and I was like, wow, I just feel totally different than a parent. It was almost as if I know they're my nieces and I have grown nieces who are in later parts of their life, but these young ones, I think the whole experience just made me really just sit back and feel into the moment. It gave me some, it really opened up my eyes. So I think I need to find a way to forgive myself.

Speaker 2: 23:49

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 23:52

And find some new practices. One is something that I'm going to make a commitment to which is no longer cussing.

Speaker 2: 24:01

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:02

And I know I cuss on, even on this podcast sometimes. But I think it's important for me to stay mindful in what I say and I find the times that I curse or I use foul language it's I'm free flowing and just letting things come out without being mindful. Ah, yeah letting things come out without being mindful. Ah yeah, and so I think it's going to cause me, or will help me, to Slow it down, slow it down and respond rather than react the thing that we talk about so much.

Speaker 2: 24:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:42

So finding ways for myself to slow my thoughts down, on top of already what I'm my breath work and, you know, my own wellness and taking care of myself. I think this um making a commitment to that I'm hoping, like stopping drinking, will be another evolution in in my thought processes.

Speaker 2: 24:56

Yeah, so being able to sit, reflect and to sit with the emotions that are there.

Speaker 1: 25:03

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:04

Like that are actually there and kind of guilt or shame.

Speaker 1: 25:08

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:13

And I think being able to process those emotions and create the space in yourself will create the space for you to be able to have these conversations with the kids you know, with your own kids, and invite them into the space of being able to know that they can be seen and heard and in a way that is not going to be defended.

Speaker 1: 25:29

Yeah, like I said, that's where my downfall has constantly been is feeling bad and feeling guilty about what I've done and then feeling the need to defend what I've done instead of just owning it, because there's a big difference.

Speaker 2: 25:45

Yeah. I think that getting to that neutral place? Right, Because when you're in a neutral place there's no need to defend, You're just taking in information.

Speaker 1: 25:58

I really felt like I was in more of a neutral place and I think I was denying that I left. I forgave myself.

Speaker 2: 26:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:12

I think there's probably another word that could describe not forgiving myself. But I was working through my, I was trying to heal. Yeah, I am trying to heal. Yeah, I was working through my, I was.

Speaker 2: 26:23

I was trying to heal. I am trying to heal.

Speaker 1: 26:24

Yeah, but I think you have to self-reflect and recognize where you're actually at and listen to the people around you.

Speaker 2: 26:32

Mm-hmm Open communication without defense.

Speaker 1: 26:36

Be willing to listen, I guess.

Speaker 2: 26:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it, yeah. Well, thank you for writing that letter to yourself, because it was definitely an inspiration for this podcast, because as soon as I read it, I'm like this is it we need to. You need to say this.

Speaker 1: 26:52

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:53

It's an important piece for parents, for relationships.

Speaker 1: 26:57

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:58

You know, and to take a moment to respond and be able to respond in the ways that you're proud of.

Speaker 1: 27:04

Yeah, you know, and not taking it personal.

Speaker 2: 27:07

Yep, it's not personal, nothing's personal.

Speaker 1: 27:09

Listening with intent, active listening, yeah, yeah. So yeah, thanks for allowing me to share this weekend's conflict or experience, and I hope that other people can share their experiences with us and and maybe you know, let us know ways that this may be connected with you.

Speaker 2: 27:35

Yeah, yeah. And what do you want to hear more of? Let us know your stories.

Speaker 1: 27:39

Yeah, like share and follow stories. Yeah, like share and follow. All right, that's been another episode of Let that Shift Go podcast.

Speaker 2: 27:53

I'm Noel and I'm Lena. Let us know what your questions are and we'd love to use them on a future episode. Or check us out on Insta at Let that Shift Go, or visit our website, serenitycovetomeculacom.