Anger Management Strategies with Deanna Dawson

In this episode we talk with Licensed Counselor Deanna Dawson of Springs Therapy about:
what anger actually is,
how to identify it and recognize triggers,
and TONS of useful tips when your disabled child or you as the parent get angry.

This episode is sponsored by Zing Standers.

At our house, my daughter is in her Zing Stander all the time.   She loves to get in it and play video games, read, and play on her computer. Zing Standers are designed to offer more than just support. They pave the way for crucial early intervention therapy.

From helping develop strength and balance,  joint development,  to improving circulation and digestion,  standing frames can be an essential part of therapy plans promoting holistic growth and development. With customizable support and positioning options, a Zing Stander can cater to any child's positioning needs.

You can learn more at ZingStanders.com

Please subscribe, leave a review, and follow us on social media to know about upcoming episodes and to participate in this podcast.

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Transcript

Deonna: Hey y'all. Welcome back to Raising Disabled. So today, first of all, we're just going to talk about what we've been up to for the last two weeks. We have done some fun things in the last two weeks, which is always a good thing. , Me and my son went and saw Lauren Daigle. And if you don't know who that is, she's a Christian artist.

But she does pop, she's in that world too, but , I had no expectations for that one. And me and Cole went and it was so fun. She is such a cool person. You can just tell by being at her concert that she's a very special person. And I was telling Cole, there's not a lot of celebrities out there that you can actually look up to really, but she's one of them.

And so it was so much fun and we had a great time. And then , me and my mother in law went and saw Willie Nelson, which was a very different vibe. And yeah, different atmosphere uh, but there were some, yeah, it was fun. And there were so many people there. , there were so many people at both concerts, but I'm like, man, at 90 something years old, this guy is selling out a huge venue here in town. There was like 10, 000 people there to see him. And he didn't even play that long. There were. People before him, but 

Rhandyl: but still everybody probably had the same thing in their mind. And maybe they'll, it's probably the last time we're ever going to get to see Willie Nelson live, but he'll probably be back at a hundred still jamming.

Deonna: If anybody's going to live to be a hundred, it's going to be him, but he just he didn't play that many songs, but , I've. Grown up listening to this music. So that was super fun. And just 

Rhandyl: country music icon 

Deonna: and it was very different like extremes, like what, yeah, there were some songs that he's saying that I'm like, Oh gosh, but no, that was super fun. And then you went and saw a concert too, right? Yeah. A lot of concerts actually. 

Rhandyl: Yeah. My husband and I got away over. This last weekend and we went to a music festival in Georgetown, Texas. It's called the Two Step Inn. And I think it was only the second year that they've been doing it.

But it's a lot of, yeah, it's a lot of Texas country and also, 90s country and even before that so like another icon Hank Williams jr He played and he definitely fun. He was so fun. He outplayed like all these youngsters Cody Johnson Lee Ann Womack like another classic. 

Deonna: Oh, man. I love her when I saw that you saw her I mean I was obsessed with her when I was in high school 

Rhandyl: Deanna Carter was there, too. Oh, yeah. It was just, yeah. Mark Chestnut. 

Deonna: Is she the one that sings Strawberry Wine? I don't remember. Yeah. So I got to see Strawberry Wine live. I know. It was so cool. That song was I remember singing that as a 14 year old or something. Yeah. so inappropriate. Just sing it. 

Rhandyl: But, yeah, it's so funny. I actually saw something the other day when I was scrolling this therapist said that If you listen to music that you grew up listening to or at a music that in a time in your life where you were really happy. Usually it's music you listen to in junior high and high school. Oh, yeah.

That when you listen to it later on in life it gives you this. Good feeling. Basically, it's like really therapeutic for you. Oh, for sure. And so I was like, yes And so this whole the whole weekend of this music that I love and that I still love to listen to it Was just it was very it filled up my cup for sure.

I believe yeah Yeah, it was fun. We and we also we have friends that live in Fredericksburg, Texas. And so It's gotten really touristy. And so it was nice to go there and with a local and They showed us all the cool spots That aren't on the main. Yeah. Yeah, and so that was fun We hung out that with him for a day and then we stayed with friends in Wimberley the whole time We were there and it was just a really good weekend 

Deonna: Yay. That's exciting. And then I'm glad you guys got to get away because it's, as we all know, it's hard, super hard. You have to trust the heck outta your nurses. Yeah. To leave them and know that they have got it. 

Rhandyl: My mom and my grandma were here with the kids. Oh good. That helps. Yeah. We had nursing coverage, but it was crazy because. Literally, while we were gone, I don't know how we managed , for Remi to have nursing coverage and us not have to cut our trip short because while we were gone , one nurse had the flu, one nurse was passing a kidney stone. One nurse had the stomach bug. Oh my gosh. No, a therapist, her therapist had a stomach bug and our respite, she broke her toe and multiple times.

Oh no. And it was just like one thing after the next but somehow by some, the grace of God, by some miracle we were able to complete our trip as planned. And Remi, he behaved. Until we got back. She decided. No drama. 

Yeah. So the morning after we got back though, she she decided to just give it her all and try to scare everyone to death. Yeah. It was. She was with her new nurse, right? Yeah. Her new day shift nurse, which she has already put the Her through the ringer, like she is, 

Deonna: it's not funny but it's better. She gets it now than later. Cause , she'll know now and she won't be too comfortable, she'll know it could happen.

Rhandyl: Yeah. So this was the first time Remi had, given her trouble, like big trouble at school. And She had two clamp downs, which is where you have to ambu bag her. She pulled her trach out. And then she, this is all within a three hour period. And she had a mucus plug that was completely occluding her trach.

So they had to do an emergency trach change. They put the wrong trach in. It was just a whole thing. Oh no, like the wrong size? Yeah, it was actually. So Remi has a Bivona trach. And we, I always have a Shiley as a backup for in case she has to have a emergency MRI. And so they grabbed the Shiley.

But, you have to understand at school, it's just her private duty nurse and the faculty and she's trying to fix it. Tell everyone where things are. Anyway it was just, it was a mess and then my husband and I were both getting phone calls from the school and we, yes, and they were like, you guys need to get here. And so we both ended up getting there right about the same time. And she was fine. She was stable. We just took her home. And 

Deonna: did y'all like, see each other in the parking lot? Yeah. You're like, hey! 

Rhandyl: Yeah we were on the phone. We had talked on the phone and we knew we were both on the way, but it was funny because I was way on the other side of town and he was not that far and I beat him to the school.

Deonna: Mom crazy driving. 

Rhandyl: Yeah. Going 90 down the loop and with my cautions on, but 

Deonna: normal parents meet for lunch. We meet in the parking lot when our kid has an emergency at first.

Rhandyl: But yeah, that was the drama. And she was just reminding us that we need to be careful when we go. I don't know. And, but we, Oh my goodness. The nurse, she is, she's a good egg because she, like I said, Remi has put her through it and she is. So great. So I'm just like, okay, as a more and more, I trust, I, yeah, I'm like, oh, yeah. I actually had a dream last night that she was like, I can't do this anymore. But anyway.

Deonna: You're like, that's a nightmare. 

Rhandyl: Yeah, That was pretty much our last two weeks in a nutshell. 

Deonna: Yeah, we've just, as far as us medically, Allie's been pretty good, , we've just been having the paperwork drama and we're trying to schedule something in Houston. It fell through and now we're having to start over. , I accidentally filled out the wrong Medicaid waiver paperwork and we're having to, and I found out and we're starting over again with that. And I mean, those things are so serious. If you don't do those things right, she could lose Medicaid. And I don't know. Even though you have private insurance, it doesn't matter. I mean, You have to have that stuff. And so 

Rhandyl: I know it's like one number one dot wrong. It's so crazy how one small thing totally. 

Deonna: Yeah. The other day I laid down and was just like, I am one bad thing away from having a full. Full blown panic attack right now, calm down. , and we're actually going to talk about that in this episode is just ways to work through some of that. But man, it just, it's all that stuff that adds up too. It's not just the medical freak out stuff side of things. It's the, it's just that being on the phone all the time and all that stuff. Yeah. It's so exhausting, but we're figuring it out. It'll, all work out in the end 

Rhandyl: but it's a lot of work to get there. It is on the caregiver side. 

Deonna: Oh, I know. It's not fun. Cole had his first game that he won his first basketball game. It's like the end of the season and they won their first game. He was like on cloud nine, but it was pretty funny. That's great. The other thing that we haven't really talked about much yet, but you may have noticed is we are now in a. Sponsorship partnership with Zing Standers. And if you know what those are we're going to explain it over time, but they're these things basically that we get our kids in and it allows our kids who can't stand up anymore on their own To be able to stand up and there's a million reasons we do this. It's not just for looks or whatever. It's like for Allie, for instance, it's to help keep her bone density in a good place because when you're paralyzed, your bones can just become so fragile. They could just snap over the dumbest little thing. And so she gets in the stander for that. It's a therapy thing. And so 

Rhandyl: yeah, there's a lot of therapeutic benefits from it. It's these standing frames they eat. You can start using these as, with kiddos even before they're a year old. It's, there's so many benefits, and like Deonna said, we'll go into more of that, but , Zing especially makes the most diverse and easy to use caregiver friendly standers and all sorts of sizes and 

Deonna: the baby ones are so cute. They are so cute. I've, Allie has this huge one, but the baby ones, oh my gosh, I can't help. I can't handle it. They're so cute. 

Rhandyl: We've had the same one since she was like two and Yeah, they grow with you quite a bit. I mean, they, They last for years. And anyway, yeah, we're excited to have them as a partner and a sponsor with us. Because we. But if we know how much our daughters benefit from these standing frames and so many other kiddos as well , 

Deonna: so that's just what we've been up to the last two weeks And we really hope that you guys can take something from this episode. I know I did myself just researching for it And so we hope you guys enjoy our episode today.

Hey y'all, it's Deonna from Raising Disabled, and at our house, my daughter is in her Zing Stander all the time. She loves it. She loves to get in there and play video games or read or play on her computer. Zing Standers are designed to offer more than just support. They pave the way for crucial early intervention therapy.

From helping develop strength and balance, joint development, to improving circulation and digestion, standing frames can be an essential part of therapy plans promoting holistic growth and development. With customizable support and positioning options, a Zing Stander can cater to any child's positioning needs.

You can learn more at zingstanders. com.

Welcome back to Raising Disabled. So today we have Deanna Dawson back on with us. She was with us a few episodes ago, so we can link her episode, just introducing her and talking about her daughter Joy and her experience raising disabled. But she is a licensed counselor, and she's just going to be helping us out today as we talk about anger management strategies.

And I don't know if y'all feel like this, but I personally feel like my anger has changed a lot since I have a disabled kid now, like I used to not be this way but now I get mad over the dumbest little things and then the big things I just go crazy, like I get so upset over things now and I feel like I'm passing this Anger habit almost down to my kids it's a big joke in my house because I'm always saying like I will cut you And it's a big joke and it's funny, whatever But my kids are starting to develop some of my bad Anger habits now.

And we're gonna just talk about how we guide Ourself through anger how we guide our kids through anger and our kids can't deal with anger in the same way Maybe a typical kid can and that's really hard And we know a lot of y'all have trouble with that, but I was reading about anger last night and how anger is so closely associated to traumatic events and PTSD, and I was thinking , yeah, that's me. Is that how y'all feel?

Rhandyl: Yeah. I definitely, feel different, I guess what makes me angry now is so much different than what used to make me angry. Yeah. Yeah. , like my triggers are just. Completely something that would have made me mad seven years ago before Remi, I laugh off, but now things that I probably would have brushed off then, they trigger me and then I'm, like, really mad about it.

And yeah, I definitely think that has to do with the trauma and the things that we have to go through on a daily basis. Yeah. And the trauma that we went through, when everything happened.. 

Deonna: Yeah, there are a lot of times where stuff that used to bother me back then, like she's saying, it doesn't bother me at all, like I don't care about anything, but then I feel like I deal with so much more people and stuff like that, , and everything's just more high stakes I feel like now, oh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's why, I don't know. But, as I was researching this, I was actually really mad yesterday about something that was happening, and it just felt so hilarious to me and ironic, because I'm Googling like, how to deal with anger, and I'm like so mad, and so I actually got some good ideas as my heart was , Pounding and I'm looking this stuff up, but we were talking about the Enneagram before this started and I'm a one and when I was looking into Enneagram and one and stuff like that, it was basically saying that one of our core emotions is anger and resentment and that we basically think we know how to do everything right and that we just are always trying to fix everything and we get really mad at ourselves and we mess up and then we Get mad at others when they mess up, which I guess I am more grace for myself.

I don't get that bad at myself, but I do get mad at other people like constantly. And you looked up your Enneagram too, right? 

Rhandyl: Yeah. And I'm an Enneagram eight. And I hadn't really looked into my Enneagram type. So it was very interesting. And I was reading this, especially when it comes to anger and things.

 So it says that we have less resistance to confronting people and identifying our anger. And we express our feelings, a aggressively . And so I'm like, yeah. me. We're naturally assertive and ready to show aggression when necessary.

It says that we can energetically. Dominate others even without consciously meaning to, and I feel like I get this a lot. We have nurses in our home, and eventually once we all get to know each other better, like how I am, and I'm like, what?

 I don't realize that I'm coming off as energetically dominating. I do have that personality type, but I think It's just something that I'm not always conscious of I do it and I'm like, oh gosh So when I read this, I'm like, okay, but I think that's probably another one of those like from the get go I think I was probably especially when we're inpatient. I'm pretty sure The doctors and the team are not excited to come and talk to me I definitely have a sticky note on my daughter's chart difficult mom yeah. 

Deonna: Well, You're not afraid of confronting people I, and I think you learn some of this stuff over time when you're one of us, because I was terrified to confront people, and now I'm just like, hey, don't do that, what are you doing?

So I've changed a lot, but it is a personality thing for sure. Deanna, what is your Enneagram? 

Deanna: My, I would, the thing I was gonna say about eights is that like their core thing is that they want to protect the people that are vulnerable. And so that's their number one thing that makes them angry is when other people are being mistreated.

So that's really a very good motivation of. Why you're angry, and so I think eights are a very important part of the world because they stand up for everybody that, that can't stand up for themselves. So Yeah. Yeah. Who knew? I was advocate. That's a perfect, like disability parent. Yeah.

You really are personality type. It's really cool. But I'm a two and so like when I'm unhealthy, I go to eights. So you know that if I'm yelling at people that I'm not doing a good, I'm not having a good day or a good week or a good season. Yeah. And so that's how I identify. When I am overwhelmed because it's just so important to know your limits because you can't really, it's just hard to do that self care.

And so I know that when I'm yelling at people, I'm like, Oh, and there's my thing. This is my max. I need to go to the reflexology place. Let's go. And my husband's I think I'm going to be needing. I'm trying to visualize you yelling at someone and I just 

Deonna: can't, but I'm sure it's happened. Oh, it happens.

Deanna: Yeah. Aaron's he definitely sees that. And he's an Enneagram nine, so he does not like confrontation and does not like any of that stuff. So he really, it makes him very anxious when people are angry. 

Deonna: Yeah. Huh. I don't like it either. I like drama if it's like on TV, but when it comes in my house, I'm like, Oh, please get out.

Deanna: It happens. 

Rhandyl: Yeah, I was also reading and I was like, Oh that's why it was so hard for me in the beginning to just accept that I couldn't do it all like I can't do it all. And so it just said that with the Enneagram 8 that like We don't wanna be seen as weak. And if we find ourselves in a vulnerable position that we disin involve the dependency on others. And I can totally, I can relate to that because that's me, obviously. So for me, I find myself. The most angry, , when I'm sleep deprived, which I think is probably normal. Yeah. But, I am a monster when I don't have much sleep. It is. It is bad. My husband can go on no sleep and be fine.

Mentally, it seems he's tired, but I am, like, a crazy person. I get, I have the shortest fuse ever. I blow up and to prevent blowing up, all I, do, and there's probably better ways to cope is either just cry or walk away. That's because I just can't control my anger when I'm sleep deprived.

That is, and unfortunately in our situation, we are sleep deprived a lot. Yeah. , , we just don't get a lot of sleep in general, most of the time. I don't feel like I'm angry all the time, but it's easier to be angry now, especially when you're in those moments of sleep deprivation and , I can just tell my fuses.

Way short and yeah, it's easy to say you should plan your rest better But no actually I can't do that. So yeah Another thing that really makes me I feel like it's more of a frustration now and this comes With just our day to day and you guys both can relate to this having to deal with people especially on the phone All the time constantly these people that make these very big decisions for our loved ones for our children yeah, and waiting on hold forever.

And then when you finally get a hold of someone, they're either rude or they're not the person you need to talk to, but they can have another phone number. It's and we literally do this weekly, if not more than that. And I catch myself just being. So rude and just having zero patience for people that, I don't know, they just don't get it.

And especially in that scenario whenever literally just a click of buttons that you're doing changes the trajectory of my child's life. Yeah, they don't understand that. No. And so they're getting my bad side a lot. And I don't like that about myself. I hang up and I'm like, Oh my gosh if I would just have been nicer,, things may have been better in the end or whatever.

But anyway, those are just like my two big ones for me is just my fuse is just shorter. I just don't have the patience that I used to have for nonsense. Honestly. Yeah.

Deonna: We all saw the movie Inside Out, except for Rhandyl. Yeah. You gotta watch it. But, in that movie, anger is one of her main emotions that is in the main character of the whole movie. You were saying that anger isn't technically one of our main emotions, you know, how do you explain that to people who are hearing this for the first time? Because I didn't know. 

Deanna: That's just something I learned probably just one time, and It just stuck with me so much because I do so much work with kiddos that are having behavior problems or they're, expressing anger in ways that they shouldn't be and, different things.

And so some, someone had told me anger is always secondary. It's always a secondary emotion. And I was like, Oh, that's not true. There's no way. Like I get mad and I'm mad, 

Deonna: yeah. 

Deanna: And then once I started, Like taking that into account. I was like, yeah, I'm never just mad. There's always something that comes before that.

And I can always pinpoint in my clients and in my kiddos at home, when they're mad, what they're actually mad about before this happened. And once you start realizing that your anger is secondary, you'll always be able to find an emotion before that. And Dealing, like trying to find those emotions are much more productive because you know how to deal with Some of those other emotions a lot easier than you do when you were just fired up Yeah, and so if you can, you know get to the core of that it's a lot easier to like, okay So why were my feelings hurt?

Why was I disappointed about that? Why was I frustrated with this? Why was I you know? And then it's a lot easier to go into your thinking brain instead of your fight or flight You And, so many of us people that have disabled kids, we have so much PTSD just from so many different things and People triggering us and oh yeah, and we go into that fight or flight all the time because that's where our brain goes is to protect and take care of things, but our logic sometimes, goes out the window.

Yeah, that never happens to me. Of course, completely under control. So chill. And so I think just realizing what's happening in your brain, yeah. It is so important because you can change it. Just pretty easily on the spot, if you are able to get into a space where you can do that.

Deonna: I saw this thing where it said, focus on the facts in the moment, and I am not good at that. And I think that is a good way of dealing with it because for example, yesterday, some stuff was piling up and then. I started to really sit back and look at facts and things that were really upsetting me like they ordered the wrong type of AFOs for Allie or this nurse is calling in or this or that like it was all a bunch of stuff in one day.

But then when I started to step back and be like, okay, chill out let's look at all these little things that are adding up today to really tick me off. I was like seeing red, I was mad. But then I kind of started looking at it and the facts and then I'm like, okay, it's not as bad as I let it get in my head, so if I'm mad because this happened, or this person calls in, or this person's late, or this whatever, It's mainly just for me sadness that we're even having to do any of this in the first place like normal Family situation is not having this person sitting up in your living room all night with the lights on Watching to make sure your kid doesn't die tonight.

It's just so weird and so I have a lot of sadness and I probably will forever about that is that's not going away, yeah, it can manifest itself in some bad ways a lot. Yeah, and it can cause rupture in relationships that you can't repair sometimes, when you let that anger get to you out of control because then you're, if you break your relationship with a nurse and then you don't have that relationship and then she tells her nurse friends and then none of those other nurses want to come work at your house and back. It can spiral. 

Deanna: Sorry about that. And so I think we have to realize that anger can just have a lot of just so many negative effects, but it's also something really hard to deal with. So it's a rock and hard place for sure. 

Rhandyl: Yeah. And I think it's, yeah. You know for kids, so just thinking about my kids So I couldn't pinpoint what is Triggering my anger usually but like with my daughter and a lot of Disabled kids. She's nonverbal So when she gets angry, sometimes I know or I assume I know what the cause is and it is sometimes, obviously, kids brains are different.

And so they can just be angry because of the smallest thing, like they didn't want the other cup or whatever. And yeah. But in Remi's case, she self harms a lot. She's really started doing a lot of things to harm herself. When she's frustrated, mad when she's tired, she's way more angry.

Not even just herself, but she's, really pulling hair and hitting a lot lately. She's started recently decannulating, like pulling her trach out. It's been like three days in a row now. It's horrible. And it's not always when she's mad, but that's one of her go tos is to yank her trach out. Or hit herself in the face. 

Deonna: And some of those things can have very dire consequences. No kidding. Oh, yeah. That she can't think of. That she doesn't understand. She doesn't think about them. Okay, I 

Rhandyl: pulled this out like I could die. 

Deonna: together., she can't put that 

Rhandyl: Oh my goodness. And I don't know.

I just wonder how you help kids and parents navigate, like those type behaviors where we can't really, Fully understand or control it or, I don't know. So it's a 

Deonna: hard, like you have to figure out where her triggers are. 

Deanna: I know I feel like We, just as a culture and just parents in general, we're expecting our kiddos to self regulate earlier than they should be doing that.

And so that just means, you're self regulating. So that means you have an emotion and then you can control that emotion and you know what to do with that emotion in a healthy way. So that's self regulation. So like, when we have an infant. They can't do that at all. They're totally dependent on us to regulate everything for them. So they cry. We feed them. They cry. We change them. They cry. We rock them. 100 percent of their things depend on us. Yeah. And so then we go into that next stage of co regulation, which is. Us doing most of the regulation and teaching them how to regulate, hold them and rock them and talk to them about what our feelings are and what we need to do with them.

And, we co regulate and. I think we need to do that longer than we're, currently we're expecting kids to just get over it. Okay, it's, you can't cry, stop crying, and you're on your own. And you're like, dude, they're going to cry. Like crying is okay. Like they're going to cry and they need to cry.

That's a natural thing. And so we're pushing those boundaries, but, and especially for kids with disabilities okay, Like Joy is 11. She just turned 11. She's five foot tall and weighs 95 pounds, but homegirl can not regulate at all. Like zero. It is so hard for her. And so anytime she is upset, and crying or headbanging or hitting herself in the head or mad or whatever for any reason at all.

Sometimes the only way we can get her to calm down is me rocking her in a rocking chair like an infant. Yeah. So I have this 95 pound, five foot tall girl. It happens every day. Every day we have to do this. And, she just wants to lay her head on my shoulder and rock. And I'm like, Oh, what am I going to do when she's six foot four?

And she's in my lap rocking because she's like an 18 month or two year old. She just cognitively is not where she can do any of that. And so I really have to put on my patient pants because I'm, I am, I'm so tired of rocking her for the last 10 years. But. She hasn't learned it and she can't do it.

And so to me, it's easier for me to do that and get her calmed down than for her. Her fits will last an hour, of her banging her head on the floor or whatever. So for me, I'm like, she doesn't have another way to do that. So I have to do it for her and with her. And maybe someday it'll come around where she can do that herself, it's at this point, we just have to figure out what co regulates them.

And some kids like Joy are just going to need to be regulated all the time. And so I think once we get into the mindset of, okay, this is what my life is like right now, it makes it a little bit easier for us to take the time to do that stuff. Just cause sometimes the alternative is really frustrating.

Deonna: And I'm sure if you have a kid like Joy or Remi they're in this holding pattern of not being able to move up to that next, level you know, which Allie still can do some stuff, but I'm like, okay you want her to try to regulate some of that and she can't because she's so traumatized still from everything.

But I mean, it's hard because as the parents, you're going through this like sadness okay, my kid is maybe never going to move up into that next level where we want them to be. And then the kid is probably frustrated , they just can't do that. And it's, that's just really hard.Yeah. 

Rhandyl: And I think Remi, I've noticed that, she does better when we,, get to her level, hold her tightly, rock her, and just explain to her, we know that you're angry, but you can't , hit yourself. You're hurting yourself. You can hurt others. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. But I really do think, she can understand , she does have a communication device and she's getting better with it. That can help a lot. 

Deanna: Yeah. And also just making sure, those feeling words are on her communication device.

So that she can say, I'm sad, I'm mad I'm hungry. All those things that, those feelings too are like, I feel left out or I feel, and I think sometimes we forget to. Put those where they're accessible on communication devices. I've seen that before. Just because those are things we teach typical kids. And so we need to, make them easier. Yeah, make them easier for our kiddos to, to access as well. 

Deonna: I try to put myself into their mind sometimes, like how would they feel? And I would feel so angry if I was trying to, get something across and you can't. It's like being in a foreign country and not being able to speak the language.It'd be so tough.

Rhandyl:  I would probably be hitting myself too. 

Deonna: Yeah, I'd be hitting my head against the wall. Really? You can't understand me? 

Deanna: Yeah, Joy does that a lot. That's her go to, is hitting her. It's funny because she hits her head on the floor, but I think she realizes Oh, that's not good. It's not necessarily the best choice.

Like that kind of hurt a little bit. So then she just does it with her hand and which we know that having cerebral palsy and things, she's not going to hit herself hard enough to really damage herself, you know? but she still doesn't need to be doing it, but it's way better than her doing it on the tile floor, and so we're choosing our battles. Yeah, I know. And so then she has a big red spot on her head for the rest of the day. And, then you, Explain that to everybody, but yeah, I think it's frustrating to, when you sometimes can know how to regulate your kid, but maybe other people don't or choose not to do that.

Last year at school, Joy just had absolutely the worst year and could not regulate. It was just a mess. And so they would put her in the calm down room for two and a half hours screaming and I was like, have you tried just holding her and rocking her, and they're like we just don't have time to do that, and I'm like someone's in there with her anyway, 

might as well hold on to her and rock her for a little bit, and once they started doing that and she felt safe, Then she felt so much better and she's had a great year this year because she hasn't even felt the need to do that because she knows that they're there to keep her safe and stuff.Oh, yeah. It's just been a game changer. Just that attachment and co regulation and just not feeling like she's by herself. In her feelings, and ..

Rhandyl: I think that's something that we struggle with is the follow through with. All the nurses that are taking her to school and all extracurriculars and we may not always be around Although, Therapists or parents we tell them, this is what you need to do not everybody's gonna do it in the same way or at the right time cause there's so many people parenting our disabled kids. And teachers at school, aides at school, there's just so many people in that authoritative role. And yeah, you're right. Just trying to make sure there's continuity in that, but 

Deanna: it's hard, tough. Yeah. It's really hard. And it's hard to know what your kiddo is thinking when they're nonverbal or barely verbal, like for sure, really mad about, you really don't know, it's hard to find that.

Deonna: And even with Allie, who can talk to us, she sometimes won't even tell us. I'll be like, what's your deal? Which is why we take her to you for counseling. But I mean, you know, sometimes even when they can talk, they won't tell, or they'll just, they'll feel really close to these other people, but she'll still be like, I need my mom. I need my mom. If she's really upset, there's nobody except me. So yeah, it's a tough one. 

So when we're talking about anger, like for adults, cause we're talking about both of these today, as adults, we need to identify what these triggers are that are making us so mad that way in the future we can maybe see them coming and be like, okay, I'm not going to get as mad as I did Last time or whatever and then we also are just wanting to talk about our kids and a lot of our kids You as the parent have to identify the trigger for that kid because they may not be able to avoid that.

Deanna: Yeah, I think really trying to prevent some of those Triggers that are happening as much as you can especially for kids, if you know they have a certain trigger, like at a doctor's office, there's certain places they just really hate to go and you can't do anything about it cause you have to go there, but just really making sure you're preparing them for that, talking to them about it and talking to them that it's okay to be upset and it's okay to be scared and it's okay to be sad that you have to go here instead of the park or whatever.

And just really prepping for that because those, I think, surprise anger and surprise feelings are a lot more difficult to cope with than, Oh, remember we talked about how this might be scary today, and yeah. And the same goes for us, if we know we have an, Like we've fired a nurse before because she did X, Y, Z.

Yeah. Then when the next nurse comes in and be like, Hey, this is our standard. And just so you know, this is where my line is and it makes me really mad when you cross it. Like just preparing them for that so that when you fly out of the handle, you're like, man, I told you,

but like maybe just. So that we can avoid some of those things that are really important to us that are worth getting angry for because . There are things that are important to get angry about when your kid's being mistreated. Yeah. Or when the care is not exactly what it's supposed to be or when the wrong thing is ordered and you have to tell someone about it, yeah. There's a lot of ways that anger is healthy and good and there's a difference between being angry and being assertive. There's a way to be assertive and to get your needs met without demeaning people and calling them stupid and you know all the things that you that tend to come out when you're in your little fight mode.

For sure. I think that's helpful. 

Deonna: I'm learning that line still. , I'm still kind of new to this, but I'll get mad about something and then I have to be like, okay, I have to let the angry part go and just come in and say, this is how it's going to be and be assertive.

But I wasn't assertive pre Allie's injury. This is a whole new part of my personality that's happy to come out. But, yeah, there's moments where it'll build up too much, and then the assertiveness turns into being just a total, eh, it's not good. But, it is good to know where that line is, because if you're a pushover in our world, your kid could literally die.

It's there's been times I've had to, be a certain kind of way. And it was hard and there was a lot of anger mixed in with the assertiveness, but I'm trying to let some of that anger go, but people just do so many dumb things. It's but yeah I do think it's good to want to be assertive, not angry at everybody. Cause I think most people are actually trying to do their best every once in a while. No, that's not the case. But I do think most people are, or they don't have 

Deanna: control over, and you're talking to the person that's just the messenger, but you're like, for sure, I still need to talk to the person that's in control of this. So if you don't want me to yell at you, you need to find someone. 

Deonna: I've had to call back and apologize. I've been like, Hey, I'm sorry., you caught me on a bad day yesterday. I was not happy, but now I'm. Realizing I'm like looking back on yesterday and be like, Ooh, so that's tough but even like with Allie, so she does this thing called a Valera, it's like a respiratory treatment thing.

And every time we switch out the new circuits and filters, it's just like hard pressure. It's way painful compared to like when it gets older. And the other day I'm in the shower and I can hear my son yelling through the door, Allie's starting a new Valera. And I'm like, Oh shoot, I'm not in there with her because that's a huge trigger for her.

And she actually did well for the first time ever. And so maybe it's because I wasn't in there. She knew okay, I've got to be tough. But it was like, those are triggers I usually try to avoid, like I'll be in there and I'll be like, okay, we're going to do this thing. But I wasn't in there and I thought, oh no, she's going to freak out, but she actually did okay.

**Disclaimer

Before we go, I wanna remind our listeners that this podcast is for the purpose of education and entertainment only, and is not a replacement for seeing a doctor. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained professional for help with your child's specific situation.