Breanna Kulwin: Supporting Girls' Mental Health

Growing up is challenging, especially in a society obsessed with achievement, comparison, and the constant influx of information through social media. Breanna Kulwin, a specialist in the mental health of girls and young women, shares her valuable insights on nurturing their well-being.

Trauma is often misunderstood and oversimplified as the cause of fragile mental health. Breanna highlights the importance of processing trauma, explaining that it isn't just about major, headline-grabbing events. It's about how each girl interprets and processes her experiences. Even seemingly minor incidents can have a lasting impact if perceived as traumatic. This is why it's crucial to identify and address these issues head-on. Unprocessed trauma is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks—it weighs you down and holds you back. Breanna advocates for unpacking that baggage to pave the way for healing and resilience.

Breanna also emphasizes the importance of self-love. In a world where everyone compares themselves to others and feels like they fall short, it's easy for girls to get caught up in self-loathing. She stresses that each person is one-of-a-kind, and that uniqueness is their superpower. Embracing individuality is the key to unlocking self-love and shutting down inner critics. It's time for girls to own their worth and rock it like nobody else can.

Feelings are another critical aspect. In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to sweep emotions under the rug and keep on hustling. But ignoring feelings won't make them disappear. They'll just keep piling up until they explode like a pressure cooker. Breanna advocates hitting pause, tuning in to those emotions, and giving them the attention they deserve, describing it as a game-changer.

Additionally, Breanna discusses how many girls form their identities around mental health issues or societal perceptions. She shares her approach to guiding them toward an empowered and authentic self-identity. By addressing trauma, embracing self-love, and processing feelings, the groundwork for resilient and empowered girls is laid.

In summary, Breanna's message is clear: It's time to ditch the baggage, own your worth, and embrace your emotions like the boss you are. Making mental health a priority can empower a generation of unstoppable girls. You've got this!

BIO: 

Breanna is a trusted expert with a proven track record of assisting hundreds of teenage girls and young women as they shatter the mental health barriers of anxiety, depression, and self-loathing. Her mission is to inspire them to unlock their inner power, and guide them toward a deep, authentic self-love. This journey creates a lasting, life-changing impact. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology.

RESOURCES/ REFERENCES:

Breanna Kulwin

Parents Trying to Help Their Teenage Daughter's Mental Health Facebook Group

Transcript

Breanna: To let go of that victimhood. It's like, let's create new meaning from life circumstances. And then the other thing is to look at with anything that these girls have been through, we can either say, why is this happening to me? Or why is this happening for me? And the, why is this happening to me? We automatically go to a victim.

Oh, what was me? Life is hard. I can never catch a break. This stuff always happens to me. So they say some variation of that, and then they keep attracting more circumstances like that, because. They'll attract from that vibration a victimhood and so if we change that to well, why is this happening for me?

Great. I can start looking. What are the lessons? What are the blessings? What is this here to teach me about myself? How can I grow from this experience? What is life trying to teach me by going through this? That is when they stop being victims and start taking control of their lives. 

Andrea: Welcome to This Way Up.

We are bringing you engaging, informative, and inspiring [00:01:00] conversations surrounding all aspects of mental health from the perspective of us as parents and caregivers. I'm 

Andrea Nanijian. 

Emie: And I'm Emmy Waters. When someone you care about is struggling with their mental health, this can be an incredibly stressful and challenging time.

So we're here to provide valuable resources to support you as you navigate this journey.

Andrea: Brianna Kulwin, who joined us today, she was just So full of energy and passion. You know, one of the things that just stuck with me was this. forward action kind of principle. Let's make a difference. Let's make a change. Let's move on and let's heal and get better. It was just so inspiring to hear her talk about, I don't know, I guess I would say forward movement is what I would say.

Emie: Yeah. That's that coaching model, which is super effective. And like so many episodes, Andrea, we're always telling people, listen till the end because so [00:02:00] many great things come out at the end of the episode. But again, I hope people listen through this episode because while she's talking about her work, guiding, coaching young women and girls through various struggles in life.

The base of everything she talks about really gives all of us foundational tools and a framework for, for living and how we get through any hardship challenges. So I think that there's something in here that will resonate with most people. And again, it's, it's just really fun to share that big energy with the world that she brings.

And if you find this episode helpful, please share this with a friend, subscribe, and download our podcast. 

Andrea: Brianna Kulwin is a trusted expert with proven track record of assisting hundreds of teenage girls and young women as they shatter the mental health barriers of anxiety, depression, and self loathing.

Her mission is to inspire them to [00:03:00] unlock their inner power and guide them towards a deep, authentic self love. This journey creates a lasting, life changing impact. She has her master's degree in spiritual psychology. Welcome, Brianna. I am so excited to have you. 

Breanna: Hello. Nice to be here. 

Andrea: You know, I'm going to give you a little bit of background.

About a month ago, This Way Up hosted a mother daughter workshop in Brianna Letted. And I have been anxiously awaiting doing this conversation with you because that was such a great workshop. And so many of those moms were touched and the girls walked away. They had so much fun. Great conversation. So I just can't wait.

Breanna: Oh, thank you. That was really, really special. So I love that you were there and I love that we were able to put that together. 

Andrea: Yeah, it was wonderful. Um, just briefly, Brianna works with, um, girls exclusively between the age and 

Breanna: young women. 

Andrea: And I was just going to say between the ages of 12 and 29, right?

Yes. Yes. So we are excited to kind of explore and go deep dive into that. [00:04:00] Why don't you tell us what inspired you to work with You know, this age group, 

Breanna: how much time do we have ? Just joking. Um, what inspired me to work with this age group? I think that this age group doesn't have many options when it comes to their mental health.

I think the main options either go to therapy or it's medication, and then if it's really intense. You know, inpatient residential treatment facility, um, residential facilities, and there wasn't a lot else out there for these girls who are struggling so much with their mental health. So I just felt like there was a, there was a big need.

There is a big need. 

Andrea: There is a big need. There's a big, big need. What are some of the things that you're seeing, you know, that have popped over up over the past few years in regards to girls and their mental health? 

Breanna: Yeah, so well, COVID didn't help with everything going on. I mean, the mental health amongst teen girls and young women [00:05:00] was not good before COVID, but then after COVID, it just, It just got bigger and bigger and worse and worse.

So I see everything from girls who are struggling with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicidal, um, and just a lot, a lot of self loathing and self hatred amongst these girls that are struggling. 

Andrea: It's heartbreaking. Yeah. It's heartbreaking. Why are we so hard as women and females on ourselves?

I feel like we're harder than, maybe not in today's world, but I do feel like females are so much harder on themselves than, than the males are. 

Breanna: Yes, it's true. I don't have an answer for that, but I will agree with you. 

Andrea: We are. I wonder, do we just pass it, pass that feeling along generationally? I don't know.

I don't have an answer for it either. 

Breanna: Yes, that is true. I mean, we do pass it. generationally. And I just think, I don't know, women, girls, we just, I don't know. I don't have the answer, but men and boys, I mean, they can be pretty hard on themselves too, [00:06:00] but I think there's a, there's definitely a difference.

Emie: Yeah. I think it's harder to be a young woman or girl right now with just social media. I mean, I know we say that over and over, so I hate always blaming things on social media, but when I think about. what it was like growing up in the 80s at age 16. I have often said if I had social media and I had to see what parties I wasn't invited to or what products or what things are popular that I don't have I think I would have been destroyed.

I don't know how I would have. I don't know how that would work for me as a high schooler with, with all these platforms of information coming in, but all just like feeling like you're not good enough or good as good as another. So tough. 

Andrea: Or your life isn't as happy, right? Yeah. 

Breanna: Yeah. The comparison is really, really bad.

And with the social media, they see it 24 [00:07:00] seven. One of the things that we ask. The girls is how much time are you spending on social media a day? I mean, we've had girls say eight hours, eight hours a day. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So it's, it's really bad because there's no escaping it. Unless you're just gonna either take away the phone or just take off all the 

Andrea: apps.

Which then that even becomes exclusionary, right? Like if you're, if they're not part of the social media scene, then all of a sudden they're considered, you know, not cool or not part of it. They're missing out. Or they feel 

Breanna: like they're missing out. Yeah. 

Andrea: Yeah. So to balance that has got to be just, I wouldn't want to be a young girl.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to be a young boy either, quite frankly, you know, cause I think they, they've also, they're growing up with the same thing, the same thing. So you're seeing a lot of anxiety, depression. What conversations are you having with these girls to help them [00:08:00] push past this? 

Breanna: Yeah. So there's three big things that I'm really focusing on with these girls.

the healing component, healing from their past pain and their trauma. So, so many girls, they'll go through traumatic experiences and they don't think that those traumatic experiences have actually affected them. Some of them will even say, yeah, no, I'm fine. Like, I mean, it happened so long ago. It's fine.

I'm over it. They may think intellectually they are over it, but that trauma is still there. lives in the body, right? So it's stored in the body. It's not enough to have an intellectual conversation about what they've been through because that is not enough for the, for the healing to take place. So that's one place it's the traumatic experiences, the painful experiences they've been through and really healing that.

The second piece is the self love component. That is so, so important. It's not being talked enough out there when it comes to girls and young women [00:09:00] struggling with their mental health but every single girl who I have ever worked with will come to me with or they're struggling with anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts or suicidal or eating disorder or cutting whatever it is and They're all dealing with an immense level of self hatred self loathing.

They hold on to so much guilt shame blame It's all inside of them and so it's really, really hard for them to just feel better when they hate themselves so much because the hating themselves so much is what is bleeding into this anxiety, depression, suicidal epidemic, if you will. So the self love is, it's everything.

It's everything. And then the third piece is helping these girls process their feelings and emotions in a healthy way. So many girls, I mean, like, look, life happens. For everyone. We all go through challenges, we get triggered, we have breakdowns, we have things that really rile us up, or makes our blood boil to the [00:10:00] surface, and so many girls don't know how to feel, but they know how to avoid, they know how to run from their feelings, they know how to hide from their feelings, they know how to choose an unhealthy coping mechanism, so they don't have to deal with coming up with inside of them.

And unfo taught this in any of the I've not heard of one sch how to feel. But if there they're doing this more p

They don't just magically disappear again, just like trauma, just like painful experiences. All of that gets stored in the body. And so these girls are having these breakdowns and they're, you know, getting to these points of like not wanting to be here anymore. It's not so much that they want to die. It's that they want the pain to stop.

So what they need to do is actually learn how to feel. Not learn [00:11:00] how to check out. We live in a society where everyone wants to check out. We have our phones, we have the TV, we have every single distraction known to man to not feel our feelings and adults. We do this as well. And so these girls need to learn how to acknowledge and hold space for themselves when they're in these big emotions, knowing that no emotion is bigger than them, that they can be a space for, for their emotions.

And they can process through them, but the way is through it, not by bypassing it, not by avoiding it. It's through. 

Emie: That seems like a healthy and integrated way for anybody to live. That's a great framework. 

Andrea: Yeah. You know, I just had an aha moment. This shouldn't be an aha moment, so maybe it's going to sound a little bit strange here.

I would, you know, my question is always why? Why are we seeing this happen now more than [00:12:00] ever? Why do we have this epidemic of mental health issues? And at the same time we hear about mindfulness and distractions. Now finally, it's like I put it all together. We as kids, Emmy, couldn't numb our pain by distractions.

Because we didn't have a choice, you know, if we're standing in the line at a grocery store waiting in line, you're not getting on your phone and just checking out. All of a sudden you are alone with your thoughts. So, I always That's an interesting idea. I was always like, well, we just bucked it up. You know, we were just told to buck it up and shove it down, which was true.

We couldn't forget about it. Like you couldn't just not think about it. It was, it's going to come up because you know, on your way to school, you're on the school bus, you're going to talk to some of your friends, but there's going to be quiet times. We had so much more quiet time where we had to think about those things and [00:13:00] unfortunately feel it.

Emie: Yeah. And you don't have the exposures in your face 24 seven, like you do today with, again, just, The news information coming at us, let alone the social media where we're comparing ourselves to other people. So, 

Breanna: yeah, another thing that's really, really difficult for these girls, I call it like good girl syndrome, but from a young age, I even heard this, I was On a flight like a few weeks ago and I there was a kid sitting right behind me And the dad said if you're a good girl, and I didn't hear the rest But I heard that a good girl it starts from a very young age that we need to be good girls in order to Whatever we want to do with our lives, right?

so many of the girls that I work with feel i've heard so many girls look dead in my eyes and say I don't feel like i'm a good person Where's that stemming from? Like it kills me when I hear [00:14:00] girls say this, I feel inherently unworthy. Like, I don't feel like I deserve good things in life. This stems from, it's like, okay, a lot of these girls, they punish themselves.

They make mistakes from 10 years ago and they're still punishing themselves to this day. And they believe that they need consequences when they are not a good girl or they didn't do something right. And so the punishes could be them self harming. The punishes could be them, you know, developing an eating disorder.

They're punishing themselves. And again, it all goes back to self worth. 

Emie: Yeah, I think we're all fighting some kind of limiting belief or our own flavor of I'm not good enough, which is sad. And wherever we develop those messages, They could be rooted in, you know, some level of trauma, negative experience, or it could just be our younger self heard a message that really was [00:15:00] not 100 percent accurate too.

Right. 

Breanna: So another thing that happens with the trauma, trauma isn't always what we think it is. It can also be the unmet needs. That they didn't get that we didn't get when we were younger. And so what happens from traumatic experiences, painful experiences is, um, we draw meaning from what we went through.

Well, that wouldn't have happened to me had I been X, Y, Z. Oh, it's my fault. I've heard so many girls come to me who've been through traumatic experiences that you wouldn't wish on anyone. And they feel like it's their fault. Like they brought it on in some way. And so such a big part of the work that I do with these girls is including with the healing is the forgiveness and the self forgiveness because no one brings trauma on themselves like it's not their fault what they went through, but they have to develop a different interpretation of what happened and forgive themselves and let themselves off the hook because it's not their [00:16:00] fault.

What someone else did to them. That's that's not for them to take for the rest of their lives and punish themselves. For the rest of their lives. They don't need to do that. 

Emie: Yeah, absolutely. How do you define trauma, especially when you're talking to young girls and women? 

Breanna: Yeah, it could be like, could be big trauma.

It could be small trauma. Like I said before, it could be anything where needs, excuse me, needs were not met. So it could be like, oftentimes we look at traumatic experience of like rape or sexual assault or something like that, which yes, those are. Instances of trauma, but it can also come down to smaller trauma that other people may not think, wait, that's not trauma, that that was not traumatic, but it's how we experience it in the body and the impact that it leaves on us.

That is what makes it and creates it as, as trauma. 

Emie: So what you would call like little trauma, I've heard people say [00:17:00] big T, little T, but like if we're saying little trauma, it could be in a typical average collective setting, a hardship, but you call it, you're qualifying it based on what is the impact to the individual.

Breanna: Yeah, for one person who goes through that, they might have just gotten through it just fine, honky dory, and then they're on their way, but somebody else, that really, no, that really, really affected them. So it also depends on the individual. 

Andrea: Yeah. And I would think as children. Their brains aren't, you know, fully developed and they're interpreting things, they could be interpreting things so way off base, right?

Like they're hearing, you know, just a little edge in the voice or, you know, the, the parent is stressed and happens to say something to that child, has nothing to do with that child, but that child's hearing that tone and then they're internalizing it as themselves. It's something they've done. 

Breanna: 100%. Yes.[00:18:00] 

And then it goes back to, well, it's my fault. It's my fault that mom got so mad at me. And then they take it with them into their teenage years and then their adult years. And then they think everyone is mad at them. And you know, it's all of their fault. And again, that's going back to childhood, but we can, we can clean that up.

We can, we can heal that. Another thing too, when these girls are going through traumatic experiences, a lot of them dissociate where they're, They've learned how to leave the body because it's too painful to go through whatever they're going through. So their subconscious mind just takes them out, but then they've built up this dissociation where they're constantly not present, not just for painful experiences, but for life.

So, so many of the girls that I work with, it's, it's really about developing this skill of like learning how to be present. And not checking out of the body all of the time. So many of the girls that struggle with anxiety, it's like they're checking out or the panic attacks. It's like we need to bring safety back into the body for [00:19:00] these girls who are really, really struggling.

Andrea: You know, it's interesting because it's unavoidable. The trauma is unavoidable. If it's based on your perception, your personal perception, it's unavoidable. So a parent is going to unintentionally inflict a level of trauma on their kids, right? It is what it is. The question becomes is how do you, at an early age, before our kids get to the point where they're disassociating and cutting and what are the, how do we then.

set tools in place that are going to help them work through that so that they better understand those feelings moving forward and better interpret those moving forward. 

Breanna: Yeah. I think one of the things that's so important is that, I mean, if we can, if we can start this at a younger age where these girls are shown how to feel and, you know, It's not just, I want you to be happy 24 seven.

Like that's not what life is about feeling happy and joy. Yes. [00:20:00] We want to feel those emotions, but I think what's missing from society is we think that the emotions or we call them negative emotions, right? Like, okay. Sadness or grief or whatever it may be like, Oh, we can't feel that. That's bad. That's wrong.

And so these girls are growing up. Yeah. thinking that it's bad to feel a certain way. And then so they're pushing that away. But then that only makes it worse. And then we get into like we talked about earlier, the unhealthy coping mechanisms, because all emotions are just trying to get our attention. And when these girls keep pushing them away, they don't go away, they build a fester, and it can get pretty bad, where, you know, These girls want to do anything and everything just to check out.

Breanna 4: So 

Breanna: that's one thing. And then the other thing is just the, the self love piece. I always say this to, to parents because I think [00:21:00] parents sometimes don't understand why I love my daughter so much. I don't understand. We've given her a good home still with like dad and you know, we're all together. It's a good family.

Like what's happening. I think there's a lot of confusion when so many of these girls are struggling to the point that they are. And one, it's like parents need to forgive themselves because living in that kind of blame, right? It's not going to help. So forgiveness is key. But then also I think that the self worth piece is, is so important.

And if we can instill that at a young age and helping the girls to see that they are inherently worthy, is there such thing as a good girl and bad girl? You do a bad thing and then you get a consequence because I was just coaching a girl a few days ago that I was literally helping her get out of an emotional, abusive relationship like while we were on a coaching session and she was telling me that I feel like I have to have consequences because when she was younger, she had [00:22:00] consequences for her.

Bad behavior and she's continuing to do that to this day where she got in an emotionally abusive relationship With a boy who calls her all sorts of names as disrespectful. I can go on and on and she believes That she deserves that right? She believes that that is all that she is worth To be called names and disrespect and because it's building on more consequences because she's not inherently good It's really sad.

Emie: It is sad. It is sad without asking you to share your secret sauce with us, right? Um, what are can you share an example or two of how you guide and coach? These healing processes that allow An individual to shed some of those negative narratives, whether it is related to like a past experience, something that happened or a message they tell themselves over and over.

Like, I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough. 

Breanna: Yeah, so I think one of the things that is so [00:23:00] important is the inner child healing work. It's a big part of what I do with my clients because everything, it comes back to childhood, right? And so when these girls are being triggered, let's say they're 13 or 15 or 18 or 27, it doesn't matter what age they are.

And they're having a breakdown. It's like, there is a little five year old inside of them that's freaking out. that wants to feel safe, that wants to know that the older, whatever the girl's name is, right, sees her, acknowledges her, is going to help her to feel safe. So it's kind of like bridging the gap.

Even when we get older, we, we kind of forget about childhood and like, whatever, you know, I've moved on. I'm 13 now, I'm 18 now, I'm 40 now, however old we may be. And there's still an inner child that may be feeling unloved, unworthy, not seen, not heard, [00:24:00] not, um, all of those things. And so it's kind of like making that relationship to really make that inner child feel safe, make her feel loved, make her feel seen and worthy and beautiful just as she is.

And so when the girls start bridging that relationship That can do so so so much for them 

Emie: i've seen this in action andrew and i've talked to a number of people too who who have spoken to this as a Dramatic healing shift when they do this in the moment So I think if anyone has never heard of it, it kind of sounds a little hippy dippy that inner child I don't know why I think flower child, but it is.

Yeah. I don't know how it works But it can really shift someone dramatically quickly. Curating these valuable conversations is really about our shared passion for promoting mental wellness [00:25:00] behind the scenes. However, there are some platforms and systems we utilize that cost money, that help bring these episodes to you.

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Andrea: you found value in our conversations and feel inspired to support. Consider making a donation, whether it's the price of your morning cup of coffee or more, your contribution directly supports our ability to keep connecting, sharing, and growing. Please visit our website at thiswayuppodcast. com to support this community.

We thank you and we appreciate you. So when I hear that though, and also just the awareness. of understanding that I am reacting like this because of how I felt before and I never learned those coping skills. It allows me to then reframe how I move forward with a situation. 

Breanna: You said a key word here, which is awareness.

And I want to highlight that self awareness is everything. So a lot of And [00:26:00] this goes for adults as well. A lot of people in the world, we're kind of walking around not being aware of our triggers and why we do the things that we do. And so it's kind of like we're sleepwalking through life, which so many of the girls who come to me are doing that very thing.

And so the self awareness piece is huge because we can't, we can't change what we are unwilling to see. So if a girl is cutting, if a girl hates herself, if she's suicidal. But she needs to under, she needs to understand what, what's going on. She doesn't need like a bandaid and say, Oh sweetie, it's going to get better.

You know, just power through it. It's, you know, you're going off to college in a few years. It's going to get better from no, like she needs to understand. Stand the inner workings of her mind. She needs to understand the inner workings of her heart. She needs to understand the inner workings of what is happening when that critical voice is.

This is another thing I wanna talk about, which is the voice in our heads, right? Yeah. A big part of the work that I do in the world is getting the girls [00:27:00] to get out of here and come into their heart. So. The way I speak about this is we all have an ego, right? It's the ego. It's the critical part of our brain that makes us feel like crap.

It's the place inside of us that says you're not worthy. You're undeserving. You're not never going to get anything anything good. You're fat. You're ugly. You're All of the things. You're a failure. You're a loser. Like I can go on and on and on. And so this is not who we are. This is not who the girls are.

These are lies. And the biggest thing that I do with these girls is like, let's get out of your ego, but they have to practice the separation of knowing when they are in their ego. And this requires self awareness. So when they're in their ego and they're like, you're a loser. You're fat. You're disgusting.

Nobody's going to like, no one wants to be friends with you. It's like, Okay, whoop! Let's, let's get out of here, and I need you to come back into your heart. No, no, no, but I want to be, no, no, no, no, no, no, but this, I want to be here. No, no, no, come back into your heart. So, so [00:28:00] many of these girls create an identity around the lies.

I am depression. I am anxiety. I am that suicidal girl. I am that girl who is always in crisis I am that girl who has that eating disorder. That is who I am. It's not who these girls are These are patterns that are kind of kind of gotten wedged inside of them But it's not who they are. So a big part of the work that I also do is an identity shift And creating a new identity.

You are not your depression. You are not your anxiety. You are not the worst trauma that has ever happened in your life. You are who you choose to become. So who do you want to be? And then they'll like, look at us like, Uh, I don't know. Wait, I can choose? Yes, you can choose. Wait, are you sure? Um, I don't know.

I don't know. Yes. Who do you want to be? Well, I kind of want to be confident. Okay, claim it. I want confidence. Great. What else? What else do you want? So many of the [00:29:00] girls are living in the what is? And they need to be living in the what they want what I I understand you're dealing with depression and anxiety I feel you so what a lot of the girls are used to getting is validation for their victimhood in their mental health challenges I'm not interested in being poor you life has been really hard.

Don't get me wrong I give a lot of love in my coaching and I love all the girls that I work with and Validation is not going to help them transform their lives what they need is not that validation they need. How do I get over here? How do I heal? Right. I talked to a 12 year old who is coming. Um, but I'm going to start working with, I talked to her yesterday and she said, the mom said she's been to six therapists and the 12 year old, well, she's 11 going, she's going to be 12 next week.

And she said, they just talk. She said about the therapist. She said, they just talk a lot. But they didn't really help me, and yes, and I'm not gonna, we don't need to go into like therapy and all the things, [00:30:00] but it is a different experience. Um, what the girls need is they don't need just somebody to talk with, that is great, and there is some relief in getting things off her chest.

Now, I will never say that that is a bad or wrong thing to have. And, If they're going week to week and talking about what's wrong and what they don't like and why their life sucks and if they're just, they're just reinforcing those patterns of that victimhood, the woe is me, life is hard, and they're not getting the tools and skills and learning how to heal.

then they're not gonna ever have an identity shift. They need an identity shift. Who do you want to be? I understand where you are, and who do you want to be? And let's get you over here. Let's get you living from that place. That is what has to happen. For, for the girls to have that transformation. These girls are hungry for change.

They want somebody to tell me how to do it. I want to know. I've had so many girls say this is going to be different than therapy. Right? Because [00:31:00] they're craving, like, please tell me how I need to know how to help myself. They're craving it. They want it. Not all girls want it, but a lot of girls who are suffering want it.

And it's like, please help me. I'm like, okay, let's go do this. 

Emie: To me it's like the difference between peeing in the bathtub and peeing in the shower.

Funny. Laughter. And there's my personal hygiene out there. 

Andrea: She pees in the shower everybody just so we're clear. Um, I I Love, I don't for a positive reason like love, but I do love the validation in her victimhood. God, that just sums up a lot of what's going on today. You know, we always are talking about, um, social media and how bad it is, but it's almost become very cool to have a problem.

Until you really have that problem and then it becomes painful, but you're getting a lot of attention. [00:32:00] 

Breanna: I just had this conversation with, uh, one of my girls, uh, this week with around her eating disorder and all the tension she's getting from that. And sometimes this can be difficult because it's subconscious.

Yeah. So the girls are not aware of the fact that, Where is this stemming from? Is there a need to get some attention from mom and dad? Because when you were younger, you didn't get attention from them. And so, right. So unmet need. And so here we are much later in life and now we're in the throes of an eating disorder or whatever it may be.

Yeah. So it's like, we've got to be able to look at ourselves and listen, a lot of girls, even adults are not willing to do this work. A lot of people want a bandaid. Give me the pill. Give me the next pill. thing that's going to make me get better. But if we're not willing to look within ourselves, then how can we really heal?

It will just be Band Aid after Band Aid, but is there real healing? Is there real growth? Is there real [00:33:00] transformation? 

Andrea: And I guess the turning point too, I mean, they're, they're getting attention for this, but the turning point I would think would be how do you get attention for the healthy things? What are some things that you can do that are making you better, happier and fulfilling that need, which you're trying to fulfill with, uh, medication.

Something that's not healthy. 

Breanna: No one wants. Yes, exactly. No one wants to look at themselves as a victim I do a lot of work around empowerment versus this victimhood Nobody, I mean, it's really triggering to when we do this work and say oh my god I've i've been showing up as a victim. Nobody wants to see that or recognize that within themselves And so it takes it takes strength To be able to dive in and almost like do this to, okay, there's a lot here.

Like what's going on? Why am I behaving this way? You know, why am I showing up in this [00:34:00] way? And it's an, it's an everyday practice. It really is the self love, the healing work. It's not like a one and done. I tell this to all my clients, um, that this is lifetime work. And the more that you lean into this.

the better your life will be. It doesn't mean that sadness is going to go out the, you know, you'll never experience sadness. It doesn't mean you'll never experience an ounce of shame, but what it does mean is when you feel these emotions. You lean in, allow yourself to feel, process, and then guess what?

You get to move on with your day. Instead of getting stuck in these cycles, the repetitive cycles of the depression and the anxiety, where they don't even know how to pull themselves out of it because they're so deep in it. And again, This a lot of times goes back to their identity. They've created this identity around suffering.

If I am this person who, who suffers all the time, I don't know what happiness is. I don't know what joy is. So I'll cling to what is familiar. I had a [00:35:00] girl just this week tell me, like, it's really familiar being sad. I'm not sure I want to let this go. Okay. We're going to do coaching with that because a lot of coaching, because you can stay in your sadness.

It's your life. You can do whatever you want to do, but is that what you want just because it's familiar just because it's safe. And so there's safety in what and how these girls have been living, even if it's uncomfortable and painful. If a girl has been suicidal for five years, she's going to cling to suicidal because it's all she knows.

And she doesn't remember a life when she was happy and giddy and blissful and living her best life. That's, that's completely different from how she has been showing up. So there's a lot of resistance and self sabotage that we see amongst the girls because it's like, wait a second, I can't actually be this happy person.

Like, and again, ego comes in and says like, oh, you can't do it. You know, forget it. You're never going to change. I hear so many girls say, well, I just feel like I'm broken. I'm never going to change. And part of the [00:36:00] problem with that is because they've done therapy for five years. They've done inpatient and outpatient and residential and treatment facilities.

Like if, when they've done all of these things, it's a buildup of every time they did something and it didn't work. It kind of puts this kind of heart armor, if you will. And they're just like, I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to try anything else. Because all that stuff for five, six, seven years didn't work.

Why should I believe anything is going to work anymore? 

Emie: Yeah, how do you help a an individual recognize when they subscribe to a victim narrative? 

Breanna: Yeah, so a couple things Self awareness, right? So they have to be self aware to realize that they've been in victimhood because if they're unwilling to see that they're not going to change It the second thing with How to get them to see if they've been living as a victim is really looking at their past experiences and what was the meaning that they gave to those experiences.

We give meaning to everything, [00:37:00] everything that happens, even if you text somebody and they don't text you right back. We make a meaning. Oh, this person doesn't like me or whatever it is. That's true. So it's like we give meaning to everything and the meaning that these girls are giving to their life circumstances is Oftentimes not in power.

It's disempowering. It's disempowering and it makes them feel horrible about themselves So it's like to let go of that victim hood It's like let's create new meaning from life circumstances. And then the other thing is to look at With anything that these girls have been through, we can either say, why is this happening to me or why is this happening for me?

And the, why is this happening to me, we automatically go to a victim. Oh, woe is me. Life is hard. I can never catch a break. This stuff always happens to me. So they say some variation of that. And then they keep attracting more circumstances like that because they'll attract from that vibration of victimhood.

And so if we change that to, well, why is this happening [00:38:00] for me? Great. I can start looking. What are the lessons? What are the blessings? What is this here to teach me about myself? How can I grow from this experience? What is life trying to teach me by going through this? That is when they stop being victims and start taking control of their lives.

Emie: Yeah. It's just that perspective shift. 

Andrea: We have a phrase in our house, whenever we get to a big argument or there's a challenge, we always say it's an opportunity for growth. Even if we're all in tears, we're like, this is an opportunity for growth someday. 

Breanna: Yeah, absolutely. 

Emie: You said something earlier, which I thought was It's worth highlighting again, because I definitely subscribe to this, this mindset of when you were talking earlier about speaking with your clients, your young girls, and encouraging them to pause and find separation between the rapid thinking, I'm not, I have always felt like, and Andrew and I talk about all the time, like, if you just take that [00:39:00] moment to observe a thought for a thought, then therefore you're kind of not exactly that thought.

So you can be an observer of that thought, create that space. And as one of our other guests, one said, just like, let it float by, right? You can decide to participate in that thought process or choose other. And I think that's, that's such a, a healthy mindset that anybody can grab at. 

Breanna: Yes, we don't have to like look at all of this as oh my daughter has a chemical imbalance because the doctor told her she has a chemical imbalance so therefore now she needs to be put on medication.

What these girls need to learn is their thoughts are making them sick. They're making them unwell. They're making them suicidal. It's like the thoughts and when they can learn how to have that separation that I am not my thoughts. I can observe a thought. Okay. Interesting. I'm having a thought that's triggering me right now.

I'm thinking this way, but wait, is this me? Oh, it's ego, right? So when [00:40:00] they start understanding, like, okay, I have an ego and I have a heart and how do I get back into my heart? We've got to rip out the garbage that we, that we think. And, and women are doing this every day. We look at ourselves in the mirror.

I'm fat. I'm this, I'm that, and my hair is ugly, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like all the, all the crap that we say to ourselves. Right. And it's like, It's not even true, right? So if we can practice that separation, which is hard when we have been ingrained for so long to think a certain way, a lot of the girls, it's some of the thoughts are easier to kind of garbage it and replace.

But then some of the other ones when, you know, the girls have been telling themselves for years that they're ugly or they're fat and they're disgusting or they're loser or whatever it is. It's like some of these are so ingrained in who they are because again, they've built an identity around the lies.

So it's like let's actually build an identity around your truth. You are not this loser. You are not a failure You are not unworthy So yes back to what you were saying, but [00:41:00] it it is that separation i'm having a thought but I am not the thought Let me get back into my heart here And then they're like, how do I get into my heart?

Just come here right now Like take a deep breath and this is where of being still the practice of stopping reaching for the phone, which I am guilty of as well. I reach for my phone all the time. So guilty of this one, but it's like, can we just stop with the distractions and like come into our heart and take a deep breath and remind ourselves of who we are.

If I am only this present moment, then there is no depression. If I am only this present moment, then there is no anxiety. If I am only this present moment, then there are no, There's no suicide here. It's just me. Even suicidal thoughts, like, I get it that we, we take it so seriously as we should, because it is a big deal, but it's a thought.

And so if these girls can be like, I have a thought that's suicidal, how do I get back into my heart [00:42:00] here? It's like, this isn't me. This isn't me who wants to die. This is not me. Separation. Let me get back into my heart. 

Emie: Yeah, it's so true. Our society, our culture rewards us for being more heady, being more thought first, and we're rewarded for how many things we can do at once and how fast can we think through things.

So I agree to your point. We are, yeah, we need to take pause where we are going so fast. 

Breanna: Yes, we get rewarded for productivity. We get rewarded for achievement. We get rewarded for how well, you know, these girls, like how much can you do? How many AP classes can you take? How much work can you get under, you know, underneath you and what college are you going to go to?

And it's like all of these things, it's achievements and it's goals and it's accolades. And it's like your resume and all of these things. And it's like, okay, that's all great. But if you're losing yourself [00:43:00] in the process, then is that so great? Great. You took five AP classes. That's wonderful. But were you drowning in anxiety and depression while you were trying to achieve all of that?

Andrea: Right. 

Breanna: Great. You got into that college. Amazing. But how are you feeling inside? I care more about your heart and how you feel more than what college you got into. 

Andrea: That's true. One of these things you're talking about now, I'm not talking about the women that are 25, 26, 27 that you work with more in probably the teenage girls and you're asking them to change their thoughts and basically their identity.

That identity has built a social network for them that is a safe place. It may not be a healthy place, but it's typically a safe place. How do you encourage them that even their social network might not be the best place for them. Do you mean friends? Yeah. 

Breanna: Okay. So we do, we do help them with this one as well.

[00:44:00] So the company they keep is also very, very important, right? Because if they're hanging out with people who make them feel bad about themselves, who disrespect them, treat them like crap, talk behind their backs, and then they put up with it because they're like, well, if I leave those friends, I'm not going to have any other friends.

But are those. real friends. So again, just like anxiety, depression and suicidal, all the things come back to self love. So does this piece, because when we don't feel like we are worthy enough to have those good friends in our lives, we are going to settle for crumbs. We're going to settle for people that don't treat as well.

And this goes for friendships and this goes for unhealthy, like toxic relationships as well. And so the girls, it's interesting because a lot of girls, you know, they'll commiserate. in their misery. So they'll talk about depression a lot or they'll, you know, what was me? Life is hard. And it's kind of like they've just all joined in that conversation.

And as these girls [00:45:00] go through the work that I do with them, it's like, wait, we're raising our consciousness. We're raising our awareness. This is not who I want to be anymore. And some of their friends may have to drift away and they may have to say goodbye to those friends. But there is an opening of new friends to come in, but it comes down to how they feel about themselves.

And again, if they don't feel very deserving, they're going to tolerate unhealthy friendships, toxic friendships, maybe same thing with relationships. 

Andrea: Yeah. 

Emie: Um, Brianna, Andrea and I kind of came together over a year ago now sharing our experiences, raising kids. And one thing that we kept saying, that we remember feeling at the time when our kids went through struggles was fear as a parent and frustration because we just wanted to come in and fix things.

You know, I think that's kind of common. How would you advise any parents that are listening [00:46:00] on how to be effective, helpful, healing? What are, what's a framework for parents to follow with their kids? 

Breanna: Yeah, so if you want to come in and fix everything, you are going to raise a young woman who's not going to be able to handle life when it gets hard.

And then you're also building a codependent relationship, which is going to be hard to break. I just spoke to a young woman just yesterday, who was crying because her mom is creating a boundary because there's too much codependency going on. And there needs to be. She needs to learn how to be more independent and self sufficient.

And so, you run the risk of your daughter relying so heavily on you for everything. Panic attack, go to mom. You're feeling this way, you break up with a boyfriend, girlfriend, like, go to mom. Make mom, like, the mom is like the fixer. The one that, you know, puts all the pieces together. By no means am I saying just like let your daughter fend for herself and [00:47:00] like just say oh I'm, sorry, you're crying and good luck to you.

I'm not i'm not saying that but you also have to allow your daughter to just Handle life on her own and not be the fixer all the time because again She will become that person who is codependent and calling mom all of the time and not being able, like there's so many girls who go to college that like freak out and can't handle it and will drop out and come back and either go to community college or just not do college at all because they never had the skills or the tools.

Sure, they may be great students. But they don't have that independence. They don't have the life skills to get through difficult times because they had a fixer as a parent and no blame or shame on on parents who are unconsciously doing this, but they need to have some real independence and know that they can get through life's challenges.

Know that nothing that happens [00:48:00] to them is going to knock them down forever, so to speak. And they can rise above them, rise above life's challenges. But if they don't know how, then how, I mean, like, how are you going to rise above life's challenges? If you don't know how to stop victimizing yourself, if you don't know how to turn you know, is, is looked at as a really horrible experience and take that and say, wait a second, there was some good that came from that.

I got this lesson or this blessing, or this is how I grew from going through that. Like if they don't know any of this, how are they going to be independent? Self sufficient rely on themselves. We have to raise these girls to rely more on themselves because they're going to be with themselves for the rest of their lives.

You know, like mom, dad, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, like, they're not always going to be with them, especially like when going back to suicide and suicidal thoughts. It's like the girl is going to be with herself in that. And [00:49:00] you can't rely on anybody. Like she has to be able to rely on herself to say, I'm better than this.

I got to keep going, you know, that independence, that, that, that will and the desire, like I can do this, but if the girls don't have that, where does it leave them? 

Emie: Yeah. My therapist years and years ago, decades ago, told me this. gave me this visual, this analogy. I love analogies. And it's stuck with me forever.

But I remember her saying something about having to climb up a steep mountain, carrying a large boulder. And I remember her saying, you know, I will walk with you every step of the way. I cannot, ever carry that boulder for you. But when you get tired and you need to take a break, I'll pause with you. And when you're ready to go, I'll walk with you.

I'll never leave. And so I think as parents, there's something in there, right? That you can walk alongside your child, validate, [00:50:00] listen. You can't bear the burden and just maybe demonstrating and reminding that you're with them. You're not leaving. 

Breanna: Yes. Yes. If I could add, I love what you said. And if I could add something to that for parents, like do your own work, you know, 

Emie: that's a good one.

Yep. 

Breanna: The inner work, because when you yell at your daughter and if, if she does something and you get mad at her, it's like one, you're modeling behavior that you don't want your daughter to have. But you're modeling it. So then she's going to take that in. And also when you yell at your daughter, doesn't make her love you less.

It makes her love herself less. 

Breanna 4: And so 

Breanna: I talking about yelling, but there's variations of this. It's just right. It's how you are with your, with your children. You know, we need to be more self aware and more mindful of how we speak to our [00:51:00] kids and because they're picking up everything. 

Emie: Yeah. Thank you for saying that.

That's important. 

Breanna: Absolutely. 

Emie: We got to look at ourselves. 

Breanna: Yeah. 

Emie: Do you do work with, um, mothers too? 

Breanna: I do not. I do. There is a part. I am a coach for the teen girls and young women, but I do, you know, my clients, there's a part of the work that I do where we do have parents involved and we do zoom calls with the parents of the girls.

things like that to support them. Because I look at, you know, these girls are taking on a big task when they're diving into this work. And it takes a village. It's, it's not just me and the girl, like there's a village here, right? And part of that village is, Are the parents whether it's just the mom or mom and dad So what often happens is that when the girls are doing this work and leaning in their relationships with their [00:52:00] parents?

can change Become stronger get better because It's that's the beauty of this work. So there's been so many Relationships that have grown and gotten stronger Just more loving one thing that i'll add to this too. It's like You I think there's an old saying like we can either react or respond. This goes for parents, but this also goes for the kids.

Right. Because when we react, I was just talking to one of my clients about this the other day, but it's like, when we react, it's just like, Like whatever comes out of the mouth and it's like could be yelling and it could be like whatever it is, right? But it's like when we respond that's taking ourselves out of our triggered ego out of our wounded inner child that's getting worked up in this moment and pausing Pausing and taking a moment and then asking ourselves.

How do how do I want to respond? How can I come into my heart 

Breanna 4: because so 

Breanna: [00:53:00] many conversations that that may be You Had like with a parent and a kid. It's like, it's just ego and ego fighting or arguing. And it's like, can somebody get into their heart so we can have a heartfelt conversation? You know an ego and ego again, it's like inner inner wounded child inner wounded child and both are competing and both are You know in disagreement Someone's got to get into their heart whether that's the parent whether that's the kid, but someone's got to get in there 

Emie: Yeah, I love that approach.

We really appreciate your your programming, you know looking at your website and how you structure things to advocate, validate, but move someone towards forward progress. And I think that's the difference, you know, the accountability and then yes. And let's go here. Right. I think that that's so positive.

And I love that approach to healing, like work yourself out of a job, right, Brianna. 

Breanna: Thank you. Like I said before, there [00:54:00] girls are, are craving this kind of work. And I just don't think people. I mean, I, I try to share the work that I do in the world as much as I can, and there's still a big population of people that have never heard of something like this for girls and young women.

I just spoke to a couple of days ago, a 12 year old who has 12 years old and has tried to kill herself so many times, so many times, and the parents are distraught. But they were just like, they don't know what to do anymore. And so anyway, she's gonna, you know, she's gonna come into my program and we're gonna work with her, but it's starting younger and younger at 12 years old, you know, to, for her to feel the way that she does.

It's unfortunate that's happening as young as it is. 

Andrea: It is. That is terrible. But learning those skills will be a lifetime. 

Breanna: Absolutely. 

Andrea: Yeah, 

Breanna: absolutely. 

Andrea: Well, Brianna, thank you so much. This has been wonderful. And like Emmy said, [00:55:00] keep doing the work you do. for having 

Breanna: me. It's been such an honor. 

Andrea: And for all of you out there, if you're interested in learning more about Brianna's program, we'll have all of her information in the show notes so that you can take a look.

And she's got a great Facebook community out there as well, uh, to get some support. So we'll put it all in the show notes for you. 

Breanna: Absolutely. Absolutely. Thanks guys.

Andrea: Thank you for tuning in to today's conversation. To join our community and access more valuable resources, please visit our website at thiswayuppodcast. 

Emie: com. Don't forget to hit that subscribe button and share this with a friend and to stay connected, follow us on Facebook. Facebook and Instagram at listen to this way up.