Welcome back to another episode of A Soulful Mom's Wisdom. I am your host Africa O. Let me just start off by saying in this podcast episode that I am at the tail end of a cold. I am very congested. So my voice is probably going to sound very unusual on this episode. Unless I can edit out that part and I don't think I can because it's my voice And maybe it's not gonna come across that unusual to you but I just want to go ahead and put that out there and I'm also gonna have to take sips of water so we'll see how that goes.
This is my third time trying to record this episode I have coughed a lot and I don't feel bad I just want to say that because if I did I just wouldn't record this but it's just more of a nuisance at this point with my sinus and coughing but I really love what I'm doing and I am so excited to be sitting here having this I hope that this conversation with you, hoping that something in this conversation will bring positivity to your day as it has to mine.
So without further ado, let's get into the episode. So before I share the theme for this particular season, I want to just say something that I experienced, I want to share something that I experienced recently because it ties so closely with this theme. I have a couple of coffee shops that I frequent, I keep them in my back pocket, without a doubt I will go to one of these and for that reason I cannot share what this coffee shop is because I do not want to be surprised or stocked, okay?
But this particular coffee shop I went to recently and one of the baristas Stopped me and she said, you know, you are so beautiful and you just come across so bubbly. I really love your energy and every time you come around I just feel comforted I cannot make this up. The quote, the quote was so kind y'all that I was like, I can never forget these words.
I can't. I literally came home and journaled about it and I told my husband, I think I've heard the best quote, the best, the best quote, goodness, listen to me, the best compliment ever. Now, I have in fact heard another compliment that really hit my heart. There was a girl inside of Whole Foods who told me, I reminded them of the girl from Spike Lee's show, She's Gotta Have It.
Not that I look like her, because we don't look alike. She is a beauty in her own right. And so am I. But our energies she was saying were very similar. I reminded her of the girl, of the protagonist on the show. I'm forgetting her name. I think her name was Dewanda Wise or something like that. And the part about the energy, I mean, that just, cause you can't create that.
Like it's just in you or it isn't, I mean, yes, you can develop, don't get me wrong, a positive energy or you can tap into things I should say that help you really tap into your energy, even if it's not in a good place to help it develop into a better energy. But what I mean is everyone is so unique that we all have different energies and I'm just so grateful that mine comes across that way and I am so grateful that this barista, this very sweet, adorable girl, I'm just so grateful that she felt comforted by me.
I really do. And if she's ever, if she ever listens to this episode, I just hope she knows that because I'm a big believer in giving compliments and I'm also a huge believer, of course, in not just saying things to say them, but genuinely giving compliments if you feel a certain way. Because I do believe that people deserve their flowers while they're here.
And for me, Feeling safe is so important and that's really what Boundaries is all about. So to know that I helped some, just somebody feel safe is, wow... That feels so good. So, That tells you the theme of the season. The theme of the season is boundaries and I'm going to take a sip of water because my voice is cutting off.
So the theme of this season is boundaries and boundaries are defined as the lines and limits you create between yourself and other people. Boundaries allow you to define what is acceptable and healthy for you in your relationships. The boundaries you communicate and maintain can protect you both physically and psychologically.
That is a definition I believe I snagged from LA Concierge Psychologist. It's so fitting and where it says, are the lines and limits you create between yourself and other people, you can really insert anything. The lines and limits you create between yourself and your work, the lines and limits you create between yourself in the spaces you enter into, and that's what we're going to talk about today.
And I feel that again, boundaries are so important because for individuals, but especially for mothers, it can be hard to just. follow through on certain boundaries because you just have so many demands, so many pressures of demands coming from different places and different people and different things.
Alright, so who is the author of today's quote? Today's quote was quoted by someone who is a mental health therapist, and she is also the author of a New York Times bestseller entitled, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover. I found her while doing research. I was literally researching information on boundaries.
Before this particular episode, it was earlier this year, I looked into boundaries a lot because as I shared on a previous episode, it is something that I have not always done effectively or completely and so I'm just trying to get really really good with boundaries and let me tell you I'm currently reading Nedra Glover Tawwab and I'm probably saying that last name wrong forgive me it's spelled Tawwab but I'm currently reading her book right now the 'Set Boundaries Find Peace' book and it's so good oh my goodness this is so good alright so this is the quote, "I say no to things that don't contribute to my growth."
That is a mouthful. That is a mouthful. Oh goodness. This, this really just, every time I read it, it's so powerful. In this particular quote, when I think about how it's informed my life in a positive way, I really think about how it has Helped me along my boundary setting journey and along my journey of setting boundaries more effectively It has really helped me think about establishing boundaries around the spaces I enter into on a weekly basis and around like family traditions And when I say spaces I enter in a weekly basis, honestly, you can really just think about anything that's routine I'm talking about for example, what do I watch on TV?
on a weekly basis. What do I look at on social media? What do I spend my time doing on the weekends? When you think about these things, they're all routines because you're doing them on a weekly basis. And that's important because that is a large portion of your time. And so that definitely influences your mental wellbeing overall.
So let me take some more water. Fun fact, this is like my fourth time now recording this episode because other times I just coughed a lot. This is like my third or fourth time I'm losing count. All right, I'm going to talk to you first about social media really quickly. With social media, for example, this quote is so spot on.
Let me go back to the quote really quickly. It says, "I say no to things that don't contribute to my growth." I really thought about social media a long time ago before I even stumbled upon this quote, but this quote has kept me consistent. Okay. This year with this, but I, a long time ago decided. I spend a lot of time on social media because I mean, it's very easy to right.
It's like a portable TV, if you will. And while I don't spend as much time these days, like in the last couple of years of my life, I definitely used to spend a lot of time and I was like, what am I like, what am I looking at during that time? So I knew I had the goal of cutting down how much time I spent on social media, but First, I thought, let me also change what I'm looking at on social media because this impacts my mental state.
So for example, I just started removing people that I follow and I don't always remove people because it's something negative. And I, I don't know. It's, it's different things. I can't really explain it, but it's just not always something negative. Sometimes it's just not the fit for what I need when I'm on social media.
I definitely have unfollowed things that are negative though. For sure. That's a need. And I noticed a long time ago that there's not a lot of representation. It's gotten better, but there wasn't a lot of representation of women that look like me, such as women that are dark skinned with kinky hair and things of that nature, which has been consistent in just the media in general, at least not representation of us in the positive light.
So I also just decided a long time ago, not only for that, but also for other things, hate speech, other types of stuff. I was like, let me just curate my feed, what I started doing, or what I have ended up with, I should say, are things like this. Well Read Black Girl. She's all about reading books. And that sounds like me, right?
And she has really good books, y'all. Really, really good books! She has a whole community now and it's so amazing! She just shares and suggests really great books to read and a bunch of other awesome things. Fab and Fit by Carla. She's a lifestyle influencer, over 50 lifestyle influencers. I think she's like 61 or 62 right now.
But she's all about fitness, and she's very bubbly, and I just, I need more of that in my life. And then Issa Rae, I mean, what do I need to say about Issa Rae? She's pretty awesome and she's multi hyphenated! So that definitely resonates with me. Tabitha Brown... again, I mean, I remember when I first saw Tabitha, she's just so down to earth and she's a darker complexion, black woman with kinky hair and this big smile.
And I was like, Oh my goodness, she's so sweet. She's so bubbly. And I just connected with that. And my daughter loves seeing her too. And I just haven't really seen that on TV or in the media in a long time. So I, yeah, I knew I was going to follow her. And then she's also a plant based person. So she shares a lot of great recipes.
Oh, and then she has a show called Tab Time that my daughter watches. So She definitely is in rotation. And then Rachel Elizabeth Cargle, she is an author and founder of a non profit, The Loveland Foundation. It's not The Loveland Foundation, it's Loveland Foundation, but that's a pretty dope foundation because it literally gives access to brown communities.
It provides resources for access to therapy, which is amazing because y'all know how I feel about therapy. And I said brown communities, but especially for women and girls in these brown communities. Then Ebonee Davis she is just someone else that I follow and these are just some examples of who I follow on my feed just to give y'all an idea of the outcome of me setting boundaries around my Instagram feed.
And Ebonee Davis, she is a model as well as a poet and author, and she's the founder of a nonprofit that basically sponsors travel to Africa. So what do you notice out of all these different things I've shared? These are people who are great examples of representation, right? Y'all know I have talked about that in my wellness space.
Representation in terms of not only having more individuals that look like me of dark skin, kinky hair, that again was like my first example of seeing something like that in a long time when I saw Tabitha Brown, but also it was really great just for me to see people who are being positive and surrounding myself with that because you know that is what I'm all about in my wellness space [00:13:00] and then I also do freelance modeling when I have the time and the opportunity is there and Ebonee Davis is a great example of that but she's also into all these other wellness things and so I just have the things that I value now all in my feed.
So when I hop on Instagram, it's a completely different experience than what I used to have, which is great for my mental wellbeing. And then even when I'm watching TV, I don't watch much TV, but when I do, I am so intentional about what I'm turning on. Occasionally, I'll just let something play in the background, but because of how my mind works, I typically can't do that.
I have to focus on one thing at a time. But I will say that when I do watch tv, I really enjoy things like documentaries, so 'In Our Mother's Gardens', that's one documentary that I watch As well as, 'Dark Girls' that was another good documentary. These are just some of my favorite documentaries I have listed, but I've watched several.
Oh, 'You Are What You Eat,' the twin study. That was a really good one. Oh, and 'The Journey of an African Colony.' That is another good one. So like those are different things that I watched in terms of TV. And I do again, watch other things, but these kinds of on a weekly basis are what I watch. And again, you'll notice black history, things about healthy eating, things about motherhood and seeing yourself in a positive light as a black individual in this world. All of that kind of goodness. All right. Now that I've talked to you about the things that I pay attention to, I call social media and just media in general on a weekly basis.
I'll talk to you about the routine of the spaces that I go to on the weekends because I think It's important for me to share the boundaries I've set around that because it also just connects to everything I talk about, really. And of [00:15:00] course, overall, uplifting my well being. I decided to implement boundaries around how I spend my time on the weekends.
I mean, it was a while back, but I would say I got more clear on my boundaries, which allowed me to implement them more effectively maybe like a year or so after having my daughter. My thought was I need to keep my weekends light so I can save energy for my daughter. It was really a wake up call because I would notice how tired I was.
I used to be. I mean, I won't even go into how tired I used to be. It's crazy, but I still get tired to this day. It's just not enough energy in me. No matter how many energy rich foods I eat and how much I stick to like one cup of coffee a day. But no matter how much of any type of stimuli I have, my energy is limited, especially as a parent.
I just decided on my weekends I'm going to live but I'm going to live in the spaces that really pour into me so that I can pour into my daughter and then also save energy to show up for my daughter better. Occasionally, I will go to a party or out to eat. You know, different things like that.
But on a regular basis, you'll find me at a park. You'll find me going on playdates. I've talked before about how that pours into me and my daughter. You'll find me doing physical fitness activities, whether I'm going to the gym, to a fitness class, whether I'm running in the morning, or going hiking. I've talked about Outsider Social Club before.
You'll also find me Participating in book clubs. ATL Silent Book Club is one of my current book clubs that I enjoy participating in. And then I take coffee breaks, right? That's where I take my mental health breaks and I write and just be. So these are the things that I do on a regular basis that really pour into my mental wellness.
And it allows me to just be happier and more joyful for my daughter. They aren't activities that suck the energy out of me. You know what I mean? Like, they instead put energy back into me. I think about what those activities look like for you, if you're interested, right? If this is something that resonates in terms of what you want in your life, and you may already do this in your life, but if you don't have it, I think that is a good thing to consider.
And then implementing boundaries around my personal time on the weekends. So I just talked to you about how I spend my time on the weekends, and some of this time is my personal time, like taking coffee breaks, etcetera. But ... I'm going to take a step back and just talk about having a schedule that allows for personal time.
Now, I know I am coming from a privileged place. First of all, when I say being able to have a schedule where I have a guaranteed personal day or personal time frame cut out, I know that is coming from a place of privilege because everyone doesn't have help in that way. And even though I don't have a lot of help, some people have less help than I have.
But with my current state, my current situation because I am married and I have a husband. We are able to set up a schedule where we just honor each other's personal time where I have Saturday to myself and he has Sunday to himself. And yes, we do typically end up spending time together like that Saturday evening and night and same thing on Sunday.
But let me tell you, having that guaranteed personal time, knowing in the week or during the week that I have that time available to myself. Oh, it's a game changer. It's everything. And that is one thing we have been very clear on, I would say, since we started, you know, our parenting journey, like that particular part, we've gotten right.
We've had challenges in other areas, but that area we've been pretty good about. So I'm very grateful for that. And because I know I have my child on Sunday, like that is my day that I know I have time with her one on one time and again, sometimes it's all of us together, it just depends. But I love to just be so intentional about planning a day for us and I have the energy to do it.
I typically will go to water parks with her or we'll do long walks with her favorite snack and water or we'll visit a family member. These are the types of things that are just routine things. Again, we do other stuff, but on a regular basis, this is what we're doing. And I have found that again, it pours into me and it pours into her.
It pours into all of us. Lastly, I'm just going to close out with the traditions. I told you earlier, going back to the quote, the quote says, “I say no to things that don't contribute to my growth.” I've been sharing with y'all so many things that really contribute to my growth. They help me show up as a better person.
I want to talk to you about traditions. I feel that each family is going to be different, but for my family, I have found that church and family dinners are great. I think it's great for us individually and it's great for us as a family..... I think that it offers us time to fellowship with other people, to be introduced to ideas through the church sermon that maybe resonate with us, that we haven't heard before, that we can implement into our life and strengthen our relationship with God.
But then I also, I I think that family dinners are times for us to communicate with each other and just feel connected after going again to a place of worship. Yes, this time could be spent individually, separately. This time could be spent just, I don't know, doing something totally different. But I really think that when we do these particular activities, it tends to make us feel better.
And I know because we talk about it and I see how we show up afterwards. And then we have weekly family activities such as family walks after work. We also do family activities outdoors. We really love festivals. We really love the beltline.
It's like a little walking strip that is nestled in the middle of this cute community that has restaurants on each side of the paved walk. You see bicycles and I don't know, people rollerblading, but you also just feel the breeze and the sun and it's just a great time to connect with each other and then just to be one with nature.
And on Sundays, it's our tradition to sleep in and cuddle. I know I've talked to y'all about me getting up early on Saturday mornings and going to work out, going to the coffee shop, doing all that great stuff. And then on Sunday, it's, It's my routine to sleep in and cuddle with my husband and daughter.
And the quote talks about saying no to things that don't contribute to my growth. And I kind of briefly, when I talked about media, talked about the things that I don't pay attention to, but I'm more so in this episode focused on things that I do that contributes to my growth. I didn't really find it of a lot of value to share the things that don't contribute to my growth because I really do feel like we are different individuals. So there may be things that I could share that don't contribute to my growth that for you it does, but I definitely felt if I share the things that contribute to my growth, it may give you ideas of things that you are already doing that you want to continue to enforce or things that you want to implement.
I think as a couple of takeaways, I would say I'm thinking of the idea of being intentional about the spaces you go into and what you pay attention to. Boundary setting is all about creating those limits between you and other things or other people, other spaces. So you can do that right with social media, with where you go on the weekend, etcetera, by just being intentional.
Thinking about how you want to spend your weekend, thinking about what that looks like, where you'll be, who you'll be around, thinking about what you're watching on TV, what you're [doing when you're on your phone, on social media, like what are you looking at? How is it making you feel? Save your energy for the most important things.
That is like the biggest thing I have found that has kept me intentional about spending my time in the way that I do on a weekly basis. Places you experience. That makes you feel good. Those are the places you want to try to make sure you frequent. It's that simple. And the same for your family? Pay attention to, I'm not telling you you have to do this of course. I'm very careful in how I say things. I try to be, but I'm not saying you need to pay attention to anything. I am starting to pay attention to how your child, you, or even your partner is responding after a certain environment. After certain experiences y'all have together, can be very knowledgeable, for helping you come up with different boundaries that maybe y'all want to [00:25:00] discuss and implement as a family. And then I think just getting clear on what you need on a weekly basis so that you can communicate that and, I'm saying that in terms of, okay, how I have the free day or the personal day on the weekend that came from me communicating clearly what I need.
And having a discussion with my husband about that. And I think that none of this has all been super easy. I mean, that, like I said, was a little bit easier for us, but we have had other challenges. But I definitely think that all of those things you can overcome through just communication and clear boundaries.
And in closing, I just want to thank you so much for tuning in. I struggled recording this because yeah. Woo! Thanks to my daughter. This cold is popping, but I will definitely be okay. I definitely have some nutrients that are getting me back to myself. Thankful for that. Also, if you want to hear additional information on wellness activities that I implement to take care of my mental wellbeing.
Cause you know, I love talking about those stay tuned. We will cover those on the next episode, along with tips from a mom who is going to share how working her nine to five and doing her wellness activities and all of these things are still possible on a weekly basis. We'll also be resuming the inspiration and coffee segment next week.
Ooh! So I'm going to highlight one of my favorite coffee shops. So definitely stay tuned for that. And we're going to close out. Next episode will be our last episode of this season. So we're going to close out from our wonderful conversation around boundaries. Stay tuned until the next time.
