8 - Confessions of Our Inner Teenagers | The Sleepy Sisters Podcast

Well, this took a confessional turn... 
We started with no topic and quickly found ourselves confessing what's breaking us lately.

Sleepy Sisters podcast is hosted by Elizabeth Brink and Sarah Durham. This show is unedited and often unprepared for, so we hope you enjoy our resistance to perfection!
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Transcript

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Hello, hello. Hi, I. So we're here today and she's like, she doesn't even know what to do with herself in this moment because she doesn't have any idea we're gonna talk about. We don't prep. This is Sarah Durham, and Elizabeth bring the nervous one. Yeah, we don't prep or edit. But we usually will say like, Hey, you want to kind of talk about this or whatever, like, the day before? And she texted me yesterday and said, How are you talking about something? What are we gonna talk about? And just everything in my body was like, I cannot schedule a serious conversation right now. But I know that everything within her right now or you talk to you. I know. She's like, you're super busy. You're like tight ship mode, wall wall appointments. And when I said hey, like, let's just do this. It was like silence. And it was just it was a normal amount of silence, but I know her. And she confirmed later, she was like, she does know me because she texted I was like, a huge time gap. And she texted about some other things. And then she said, and I quote, don't be spooked about the lack of specific, serious topic. It'll be fun. It's just like, you know, me so well. Just not having any idea is not actually fun for her. Well, my brain went to all these places of like, this is going to be dumb and lame for people to I'm trying not to use that word lame. You know, it's really ablest. Yeah, so yeah, see, I need a topic and you just so you don't need a topic because you just need to be at your city. And that's what I need today. Okay, okay. Probably, you know, tight ship mode, you don't really make the time to do chill mo D, like, you know, combos. Oh, I don't do chill. Are you on and off? I know, it was funny. I was thinking about when I was a teacher. We used to do fun Fridays. And, you know, fun is a very loaded word. And I was thinking about, you know, the point of Fun Friday was like to create some spaciousness to kind of laugh and like, do other things we wouldn't normally do. Was like, do we actually know how to have fun? I'm gonna show off. I'm like, do we not have fun? But I do. I do think it's been a minute since we like laugh together. You and I know how to have fun. It's a good question. Yeah. I mean, I own version of fun. But yeah, yeah, it's like nerdy fun. Yeah. And so I thought, well, if I didn't if we didn't talk about something specific, and just showed up and spent some time together and talked about, like, what was going on with us? And then I thought, Well, gosh, maybe our topic should be why Elizabeth can't be spontaneous. As if I am loosey goosey over here able to Well, I gotta tell you yesterday, if my therapy session, I came to realize that I have an incomplete startle response from when I was five. So that could have something to do with not wanting to be caught off guard with a topic or something popping up. But I do have a thing that I just really need to get out in. And I don't know if I'll regret having said this on the podcast or not. But I told you recently that I have become like, somewhat obsessed with Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift's romance. Yes. Okay. So I've ruined it. Would you do? I, I, y'all, I don't follow any sports. And I don't even follow her music. Like I know some of the songs that have been like really popular, but I'm not a hater. I just don't follow these things. And but I'm like, really, really invested in their love. And I've been like, really enjoying that. And then I the other night, I on YouTube watched most of a full episode of him and his brothers podcast. It's very different than the clips that they put on Instagram. No, because the clips I was like, Oh my gosh, these guys are hilarious. They remind me of me and you. They like get along so well. It I just I don't want to say a lot of negative things, but I don't like him anymore. Now you can stop being obsessed. It's true. It did put a stop to it. But now I'm kind of grieving. Like, gosh, I can't believe I ruined it. I should not have known more about him and He's not a terrible person. He's like, by all accounts, according to probably lots of people's standards. Like, he's just fine. But he just isn't for me. And I was just kind of like, disillusioned with like, Oh, he's got like this great smile. And he's, you know, pursuing her and being so sweet. But like, he's still like, a dude, who is a little out of touch. And it just was like, I want more for Taylor. As long as you don't go in trying to break them up, I think, okay. I just feel like I can't show my face anywhere and talk about this, because so many people are rooting for them. And I'm not rooting against them. But I just, I am no longer interested, I guess is the thing. I'm like, Oh, I think that is something that is really interesting about celebrity culture is that when you are kind of a fan of someone or you like someone, I think at this point, my life, I almost it's like, a double edged sword is like, I, I want to know more about them, like, should I root for them? Because I want to know, like, are they ethical? Do they, you know, whatever. And then it's like, but then if you know too much, you know, it's, it ruins it. And so there's just kind of a very fine line, about how much you want to know about them. And, you know, we have had experience with like, celebrity culture, and we know, like, there's some, like, you know, there's stuff around that kind of builds things up and stuff like that. So it's like, I totally get what you mean. And she's also like, problematic, too. Like, I love her. I keep thinking about her. I love her music, she drives, she she, she flies, private jets everywhere. And like, our planet is like, I mean, so hard. So I know, I know. And I keep thinking of like, all these people who talk about like, there are no ethical billionaires like there are no, you know, this is just not okay, how much wealth some people have been able to amass. And so yes, I have destroyed the romance in my so I guess what I'm feeling is that, like, I've destroyed the fun I was having, like, I was having a little bit of that, like, kind of teenage fun, like, when you're watching a really good rom com, and you're like rooting for Yeah. And then and then it just was like, then they did a sequel of the rom com. And it's like, you're seeing more of them. And you're like, Oh, this isn't actually not that into this couple. And it kind of ruins the first movie, because you're like, dang, I was so high off of that experience of like being in it and it felt so good. Bomber will say and, you know this about me and this, I'm not I'm not proud of this. But I went through a phase where my dissociative pattern was to read gossip blinds, I remember this. And all the time, it was, Wow, a lot of things were blown up for me in there. Because even if some of it was true, and there's some of the stuff you just you then you see confirms so some of these sites, it's like, they only talk about what they know, on the inside. And then before it's about to go public, to show that they're like, kind of on the inside. But they don't like do things like out people and stuff like that. It's not like that. It's it's more like this is about to come out. So we're gonna say this thing. And it kept happening. I was like, Oh, my God, people really know what's going on. And so I stopped reading those because then I just didn't like any celebrity at all. Not that we need to like celebrities, but when you're trying to watch a movie and you're, you know, bomber, like while you are. I can't, I can't, I can't spend my money on this, your whatever. It's just funny because I feel like you and I are always telling this line of deep dives and wanting to know the thing and wanting to make sure that we're showing them in a way that is with integrity. And we don't want to back the wrong person, quote unquote. And it really is a fun killer. But then it's like, well, you know, because there are people who live their lives, exposing all of things that aren't actually really that fun and great. It's just, I don't know, we've had a lot of hard in our lives sometimes I just kind of want to be in the dark about some things. I know. And I was like, This is why fictional characters are better. Yeah, it's really true. So true. It's not like it's something that's probably on a t shirt. Someone has that on a t shirt. Yeah, yeah. So I was thinking anyway, I was thinking about This now I want to say so now I have another confession because I just had a confession. Okay. This one's really dirty. It's really bad. Did she say dirty? I feel I feel filthy. Oh my gosh, what is about to happen? This episode just got better. I hope I hope this is not lame, whatever you're about, oh, I just used the word again. Y'all. I'm really gonna try. It's an 80s. And we're gonna get I know, I feel like as a Gen X. So there's always these words I use that I'm constantly having to rethink and not say and, yeah. Okay, now back to you. I have been. Oh my gosh, I've been watching a show. Show. Vanderpump Rules and it is so toxic. And I am obsessed. I can't stop watching it. Do you feel like do you feel like meaner? I do. I feel meaner. I feel like when I when I'm done with episodes, I feel like in a hole. I feel like I'm in a bad mood. Yeah, but I can't stop watching them. Like with below deck where I just felt like I just didn't. Maybe it was the best use of my time. But it was like, I wasn't paying that close of attention. People are so hateful on the show. Yeah, they are. So they have so many issues. Like there's so and of course, you know, there's this fun part of like armchair diagnosis, like when you're watching some of these things that like oh, relational things like with the bachelor. You know, I can watch that and kind of suspend a lot of it because there's some pettiness and all of that, but it's not this deep in your life every day. That you just are really, it's just yeah, like this is your life. It's yeah, it's kind of depressing. I can't get a job. I'm actually I feel like I shouldn't say I'm addicted to it. I can't start watching it. Because I saw that there was this big blow up right. And I don't know anything. I know a little bit about what happened. They don't know a lot, but I'm watching the seasons. When did you start on one you instructed all the way back? How many it's been on for years? Oh my god, and I'm only on Season Six right now. And I have to get to 10 I guess because I love it. I watched last season once like the headlines started coming out. I was like alright, what is this what's going on and I watched last season so that I could see the betrayal or whatever I came in remember what it they had some stupid name for it. And it was pretty good reality TV in terms of reality TV standards. But I did feel like my soul rotted a little. Okay, I feel rotten. That's exactly how I feel. I feel rotten. And so I know the there's the the the love triangle, like there was this betrayal, right? But I don't know anything about these people until I started watching from season one. And I have to see it through because okay, this is gonna I don't know no one the 20 people listening are gonna care about it. Either. Don't watch this or they, whatever. I'm not there yet. I don't know what happened. But I really like Tom Sandoval. likable guy, and so no, and I love him. And Ariana is relationship like she's totally cool. In the show. She's probably the most likable person on the show. As far as like, she's kind of got an arm's length distance from some of the stuff. And I know he is the villain. And I think we need I think we need to go to Bravo Khan. Maybe maybe, so I'm watching him believe you just said you really like him? No, he's you have why? No, I did in the very beginning when the show first came out. I did watch it some. But I don't know. He just reminds me of one of those hyperactive kind of kids who's like really into all these different things. Like, you know, I know people say, Oh, maybe he had like a good edit or whatever. I don't know. And I don't know all the details. I'm really watching it, like start to finish to see like how it all unfolds. But so even though you feel rotten. Yeah, you're committed to the decay of your soul. Yeah, I feel like I feel like saying it out loud. I need to say a lot because I'm the only one that knows this is happening other than you now. And everyone who's listening. Jason knows Jason knows. He's he's probably did that. Brother. Yeah. And I realize I don't really need to watch all the episodes, I need to probably just go through just watch the reunion, like for the next couple of seasons and then watch the last season just so I can like put it to bed. Yeah. Because here's the thing, I was on that below deck, you know, train, and I was watching all those and I was enjoying it. And there, I watched all of the seasons. And then I got to the current season and waiting we tweak. It's not that interesting. I'm not that into it. It's like, yeah, just kind of went away. So I know it's gonna go away. It's just certain storylines. I mean, this is, you know, it's similar to Taylor and Travis. It's like, there's a storyline, there's, there's a couple of characters you get invested in. And I think, I do think sometimes, like being neurodivergent makes this a little trickier. Because I, I will sometimes feel so entrenched in the story that it will feel real to me, like, I will feel like I will have dreams. And this did happen. I had a dream about Taylor and Travis. And I was friends with Taylor and we went to a bakery, it was this whole thing. Like that happens to me, when I get really entrenched in these kinds of storylines is that like, my imagination, and my psyche doesn't keep it as like, this is entertainment. This is a story this is, you know, you're not seeing everything. This is not the whole story. I go all in and feel like really attached emotionally attached to people who. Yeah, they don't give any cares about me if they're even real. People. Just don't believe him is not fictional. I mean, you're like, oh, not, you know, fictional characters are the best. These are technically probably some version of fiction. They are, I mean, a lot of these shows. Yeah, they're reshooting things. They're, you know, they're somewhat jaded. They're not. I feel like I've definitely feel more judgmental. I feel more, not myself more. And I'm waking up every day and I'm going on my walks and thinking, how am I gonna spend my day? And the sun's not out? And I'm, I'm vacillate between being stuck in grief, because it's mommy weary. And we've got this season before mom's anniversary. And it's like, but I also want the energy of hope and goodness. And I feel like I'm sabotaging it with the show. Yeah, and I can't turn away. Mm hmm. You know, there's, there's a comfort and just, I don't think I want to give myself permission to hibernate during this time. I wonder though, could you tell me like, let me do a little SE. I'm curious about this. Like, what the sensation is, what are the signals that tell you can't turn away? What does that feel like in your body? Because it looked like something just happened when you were saying that I can't turn away? How do you know you can't turn away? Well, I can't make it. I physically can, but it won't be cozy. Yeah, but what what's the what's the feeling of I can't turn away? Does that show up somewhere in your body? It's okay, but doesn't it but does that show up somewhere? Well, like all things that cause tension, it's in my chest. Well, not everything that causes tension, but a good amount of things that are anxiety producing our chest. Thing that bring my shoulders forward. Okay, so it's like in your chest up into your shoulders. Yeah. And they pull forward not serious. Like, when I'm seriously it's something that's really hard. It goes up into my jaw, it's not that big, but enough discomfort where I just I just want to do it. I just want to do it. And I keep going back for like, what I should be doing with my time. And I think if I had a clearer picture of what I should be doing with my time, maybe that would be helpful. I have things I need to be working on. I've things that I would I know make me feel good that I could be doing. But I'm, yeah, there's a I'm trying to. So what I'm hearing is you want to watch the show. I do and it makes you feel yucky but you want to watch it. Yeah, I do. And I Yeah. And so there's a problem for you in that in that and that it makes you feel yucky and you still want to do it. Yes, because I have a very, I have a pretty well developed Higher Self now, that's like, let's make some better decisions about things that make you feel good. You right? It's okay to rest it's okay to check out that higher self knows all the balance things they know. And I still have this kind of like part of me. I was about to ask like, so for those who can't hear the show got her arms crossed, she looks a little like her youngest kid. What? How old do you feel when you feel like that? I want to watch it anyway. Oh, man, I mean, Middle School. Fifth, sixth grade, maybe. I mean, I definitely had that throughout the high school years, but just a definite it's my time I can do it. I want to do. And I know that I can. And I have this conversation with you all the time, on our walks, where you're like, in my mind going? Yeah, it makes you feel bad. I mean, you know, maybe it's, and I'm, and then I have these like, things where I'm like, okay, you know, what, I'll lean into what it feels like, when I'm writing when I'm drawing when I'm doing these things. And I'm like, that is actually my safe place. That is actually my happy place. And I'm deliberately not sitting in that to go over here and kick rocks. But I wonder, I wonder if we could do like a little thought experiment about this, because I'm also hearing that, like, there's this younger part that wants to do it just because, and and I just wonder, like, what's so bad about letting her have what she wants? And like, what would it look like? Or feel like if indulging in this, for this limited engagement? If it were a practice of like, letting her have what she wants? Like, rather than a fight with her about it? Um, I guess the fear of like it taking over and like me them fighting another show? And like, how long is this gonna go? And, you know, where I have that part of me that is more comfortable and just doing things without a reason? I mean, there's a bigger part of me, it's like, we need to have a reason for all the things that we do. So there's that. And are they responsible? Are they life giving? Are they meaning an internet? You know, all of that, like, do they let you up and blah, blah, blah, and I'm, like, dirty show with a quarter to leave me alone. That part, right, it's like, I can indulge that sometimes. But like to do this for a stretch, feels very self indulgent feels. Semi destructive, you know, just and I mean, it sounds very on brand for an adolescent, a pre adolescent, young adolescent didn't get to do that. Yeah. Not for extended periods of time. Yeah, except for the fact that, you know, I think giving myself permission to do that, with having been in the season of really tough growing pains, and having stretches of not knowing what's next, or what I'm gonna do with this part, or this part of my life, and not having so many things figured out for so long. You know, if I had been hyper vigilant, over productive work mode up until this time, I could find a little more ease to give it to myself that there is a permission get Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah. You need to get that rest deck out that I gave you in that ministry. It's rare. But what you just said was, if I had been like working really hard, pushing myself toward burnout, I could then give myself permission to watch a CD. That's always been the cycle, right? The cycle is like, I have to like, go inside and do these things. And right now it's the point you have all this freedom to like, create and cultivate something that that really speaks to you and you want to go in the corner and watch the dirty show. Like what's that? I need you to stop calling it dirty because it's a whole other. Okay. So maybe it is a little I'm sorry, that is like what you call that kind of, you know, racy. Yeah. Okay. So, okay. Um, it's like when I was working for somebody who was British and I used the word smart. And I said, I was referring to reality TV actually. And I was saying something about it. I think that's the word I use saying about it being kind of this like smut or whatever. And I didn't know that. His interpret it. He was my boss at the time. But his interpretation of that with his British, their the way they use that word is like, actually, like, you know, triple-x like, truly. So in front of him and his boss and other people. I was telling them, I watched a lot of smut. That's amazing. That's really bad. That's not the only thing that got messed up when I worked for him. But anyway, so that's kind of what keeps happening every time you say, the dirty show. Yeah. You're telling people, but maybe I would, I would say more energy, just not resisting and telling myself I should, I should just do it. I think I'm just more I'm way more interested. I'm less interested in like the actual show and the watching of it. I'm way more interested in this whole dynamic around, like grown up Sarah, having a lot of opinions about what she isn't isn't doing with her time. She's so judgy. She's superduty. But that I don't know that that's not that. That's not to say that fully resourced? Me, I don't think that's just the part she's a part of. Yeah, yeah, I think, you know, and it could be just all the stuff that's been brought up with mom, you know, and like, we talked about this 50 milestone for me, and I'm definitely struggling with that more this year. I think, with more feelings coming up more reflection than I've had in prior years of my childhood and my time with her and all of that, that. You know, I mean, that younger part of myself, just maybe more in the forefront, like, you know, I don't know, I just sounds like she's getting what she wanted. And that there is some element of that. That's kind of cool. I keep telling people that menopause is like the second puberty. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm definitely watching the show. No, there is some there is some like, yeah, there is some liberation, just sit, I can watch whatever show I want to watch. And you know what I can do what I want with my time, it is my choice. There may be consequences for that. And that's right. It is my choice. And you're not powerless, you're not powerless to the mood that the show puts you in either. That is true. That is true. And I don't even know if it's actually the show. I mean, I don't I could put something else on I still feel the same way. Because I kind of feel this way. A lot during summer year. So that is true. Um, so yeah, I mean, that's kind of where I'm at. This was so fun. So this is actually fun for us. This is how we define fun. Yeah, there it is. There's an example of why we do the podcast because it's actually fun for us talking about serious things, but I was trying to give it a different spin. I can't I don't know I can. But well, we can. But I think we just have to accept that this is what is kind of fun. I just want when you're in tight ship mode, as when I am which I'm obviously not. But, um, it's just so easy for us to go into that mode of talking. Have you know, like having something to talk about? Oh, yeah. Yeah, like going with me. I needed to get out of the calcium, that nonsense and just tell you watch it. Vanderpump Rules and just you know, yeah, I get it. I and I needed it to and I yeah, I needed it to. I went to doughnuts with grownups this morning. Okay, it's good name. It was yeah, it was fine. And I'm getting a tattoo tonight. Oh, you're actually getting it tonight. I'm doing it. Wow. Five o'clock. Oh my gosh. You Yeah. What? It's a big deal. I know, even with your incomplete story. Well, I actually talked to her at the end of the session. I was like so with the tattoo tomorrow, and she gave me a homework of playing some games with the kids that would startle me so I could play with the startle response. And like, let my body feel into it a little bit in a way that isn't like related to a stressful encounter. So interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I booked another session with her immediately because I was like, Okay, we got more to talk about. Anyway, all right. All right. Fun to see you. was, this was fun. I liked this. Alright, good. All right. I love you. Bye. Love you too. Bye.