16 - The Hard of Big Transitions | The Sleepy Sisters Podcast

Life is full of Big Transitions, but navigating them can be painstaking. Let's chat about how to identify when we're in a Big Transition and how to cope through them. This is a great discussion for anyone trying to adjust something new - a job, relocation, back to school, season changes... so anyone, really.

Sleepy Sisters podcast is hosted by Elizabeth Brink and Sarah Durham. This show is unedited and often unprepared for, so we hope you enjoy our resistance to perfection!
www.thrivingsistercoaching.com
www.kattywhompous.com

Transcript

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Elizabeth, Hello, we are the sleepy sisters. This is Elizabeth brink, Sarah Durham, and today we're going to talk about the hard of big transitions. Big transitions make you sleepy. Yes, they do. It's like, one of the biggest causes of sleepiness, I think, I think so. And they're just all the time. They're just the gift that keeps on given. Yeah? So what are some big transitions? Like, let's just name some out. Well, teachers back to school, kids back to school. Yes, new job, yeah, going to college, yeah, um, marriage, kid, and then once you become a parent, every transition they go through, guess what you get to go through? Yeah, yeah. And also, like, puberty, menopause, big, big transitions, middle age, teenage, yeah. Like, life, stage, life, stage, yeah, and seasons of the year, seasons of the year, yeah, hold the time change if you're in a place that does the time change. Like, come on Sunday scaries into Mondays, yes, the new year, yeah, holidays, yeah, always what we said, seasons, yeah, I guess that counts in there. Job loss, yeah, like the negative stuff, right? Loss, yes, huge, huge transition. I remember when mom died, somebody saying something about finding a new normal. It made me angry, and I was like, I do not want a new normal. And how long is that going to take? It was terrible thing to say. Don't say that to somebody who's i mean, i There are so many things that made me angry that people said when mom died, that even now, yeah, we can do an episode. I'll do an episode on that. What Not To Say, Yeah, after a death, yeah. So, so, big transitions, really, monthly cycle. Okay, come on, yeah, yeah. Pick one, yeah, all right, in our house, we also have like transitions around, like, because, because Cory and I both own our own businesses. We also have like seasonal shifts in how much work we are doing that don't line up with, like, the seasons of the year, but it is, like, almost cyclical, not always, but there are these ebbs and flows where, like, he'll have a huge ton amount of work, and it really like stresses on us, and then things will be, like, really slow. And I think for me, it's a bit, it's a big transition on him too. But it definitely like I feel it when that shift happens, yeah? So starting new things, letting go of old things, yeah. So I guess we're not talking about every type of transition, because I said monthly cycle, so because we have, like, even day to day insight, oh, yeah, yeah, we're talking about the big ones, the big ones, starting a new medication, going off a medication, you know, starting any kind of new regimen or stopping a new thing, right? Like all of that presents these challenges around coping. Like having the capacity to cope is like, like, seriously diminished by big transitions. And I think a lot of people experience transitions and don't really, like, give them their due reference or whatever. Like, you know, like, this is a big deal this is having a big effect, and like acknowledging that it's affecting capacity in all these, like, nuanced ways. And it can just feel like, No, this is an exciting thing, or a good thing, or, Oh, everybody goes through this. And I just think you can downplay it so easily without acknowledging how big of an impact it has on your day to day functioning. For sure, I think about, well, I was thinking about two things. One, your brain doesn't give you a choice, like, if it's new, it has to integrate and process the information a certain way before it becomes less work for it. So whether you think it should be easy, or shouldn't require this many spoons or whatever. Just biologically that it's just kind of processed through the same way and then goes to a different part of your brain once it kind of knows it. And just depending on what else is going on, environmentally, like support wise, everything, just. First, it is such a big impact. I The second thing I was thinking about is I have a client who yesterday, you know, she's a teacher, and so we worked on summer goals, and then now we're shifting more to like because she's transitioning back into teaching. And was frustrated with herself because she is just like, I should be able to do more. I want to deep dive into this other thing, but I've got nothing. And I said, That's because you just started a new job. She was like, No, I did. I said, Yeah, you did. Because when you're a teacher, it's like starting a new job every year, you often will have a different room. She has a different teaching partner. You've got new kids, you've got new personality. She has a new boss. I'm like, you may be in the same building, but essentially, gosh, I've never thought about that for the educators, like, yeah, all those different elements, like, new requirements, new systems, like, we have a new app this year for communicating with the staff, the change. It is like a whole new job. It is. It's a lot, it's a lot, and no wonder you used to go dark. We used to say that Sarah, when she was teaching Rebecca and I, our other sister, would say, Sarah goes dark until, like Halloween, maybe the school year, she stops responding to our group, thread, text and and makes sense because you've, like, started a new job. I had not thought of it that way. That's wild. There's absolutely no brain power left for I mean, you will look at the text and you'll just be like, I just know, like, it's just a no. It's a big fat no inside and it seeps out your pores. Oh, I mean, and, you know, it's hard too, because when you're a parent and your kids are going through those transitions, and you're a teacher, because it's like a special, special, because we go through this every year, and every year, most teachers I know beat themselves up for what they can and can't accomplish during this time. I think forgetting, because you're in the same job, the same building, you get a lot of the same coworkers. It's like, you forget, you forget how much new so there's a lot of shoulds surrounding you. And then you go home, and if you got like me, you get a gaggle of neurodivergent kids who are also transitioning. You know, when I look back at those times, I mean, there is some sadness and, like, guilt over like, wow. Like, there were just times I just didn't have the capacity. I remember my eldest saying to me, oh, you know, just when you're teaching, it's annoying. Basically, I mean, like, was proud of me, but at the same time was, like, you don't have anything left. Yeah, yeah. And he wasn't wrong. I mean, there was a lot. I mean, it was, but it it, it was only during certain times. But unfortunately, some of those times overlap, and, like, at the end of the year, as everyone's transitioning, oh yeah, everyone's exhausted. And yeah, I just, I have such respect for educators, and especially parents who are educators. And yeah, layers, yeah. I, you know, I think about all the different big like transitions in the calendar that happen. If you have school age kids, they happen. You know regularly, like different school breaks, and in our house, these big transitions have taken a lot to understand and, like, actually figure out how to, like, proactively, like, help everyone cope. And it's it's taken years to actually, like, understand and name, oh, this is what's happening. There is this transition period when the school year starts, where everyone is really depleted, everyone's overstimulated, everyone's nervous systems are buzzing and are in collapse. And it is, it's like, ripe for fights. Oh yeah, the fighting, the fighting, and it's like the tension is so palpable yesterday. So this is the first week of school for us, and yesterday both kids were just kind of past their limit, exhausted and Corey, and I had had busy days, and we were tired, and you could just feel the tension in the house, like if anyone looked actually just looked at anyone, not even looked sideways or with a stink eye, if you just looked in any one particular direction, there was the potential for like, explosive responses. And there were some explosive responses. And my instinct. Now is like, de escalate, de escalate. Chill, calm, close the curtains, weighted blankets on everyone, ice water in hand, like, that's right. Rice Krispie treats like, whatever you want, like everybody, just like, yes, be comforted, right? And, and last night, Corey got frustrated and tried to give some corrective in one of the kids. And, you know, wasn't wrong with what he was saying, but it just was like not possible in the midst of this kind of transition this week and and so, like things exploded, and people had big feelings, and it we came back down off of it. We ended up having actually a really good night, but that was such growth, like the beginning of the summer, when the kids left school and were in camps, it was like every single night, we were having enormous meltdowns in our house, huge stress, and I was just determined, like, I cannot have another week like that in the same calendar year. And this is another big change. And so I do think it helps that my kids are in the same school this year they were last year, which is kind of the first time that's happened. But also I feel like it's helped to be able to notice, like, when to pick the fight, right? Like, and that's like, always helpful in relationship with other people in any context, not just in parenting, to like, choose your battles, as people would say, but when you're in the midst of a really big transition, it is so critical to slow down. And the problem is often in these big transitions, there's a lot of stressors that are pushing you to speed up, and you really have to slow down so that you can preserve connection and keep people's nervous systems and whole brains from like, you know, short circuiting and having an even harder time, right? Like, I think about the somatic piece of it, of like, introducing even more stress, even more constriction in the tissues of our bodies in the midst of something that's already stressful. Yeah, it reminds me of, you know, as an educator, as a coach, how often you know parents will come and when will come, and they're, you know, kind of freaking out a little bit because they're like, they're typically going to be neurodivergent, like teens we're talking about, or whatever. And people want help because school starts and things start falling apart. And like, let's say, the last year, everyone in the house has really worked with their kid to do this and that, or whatever. And you will see skill regression during this time period when there's a big transition, because their brain is taxed. And I always feel like, I mean, this is like, I have to remind myself about this. Like, yeah, had a family member call me this week like, saying, hey, like, do we need therapy? Does this person whatever? And I'm always thinking at this point now, like, let's just give it a beat. Like, let's just hold on a second. Let's lower demand. Let's do all the things that we can do to lower demand and and comfort, as you said earlier, at home and like, let's revisit this in a little bit, because if you're then going to add on counseling or coaching, that is another demand that's really hard on their system. And a lot of times your kid or you, or whatever you're going to come back, you just need a minute to reset. And I will say, with having three neurodivergent children, the skill regression I see the most is emotional regulation. It is the piece that's like, you know, you know, yes, prioritizing things like that. But I think the the core of it is, like that somatic piece that you're talking about, that body piece of where it's like my nervous system is starting the, you know, they have sensitive nervous systems. It's starting to register threat, because they're being inundated without the control to say, no more. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah. Like, one of my kids this week at bedtime was having a hard time and just yelled out, I don't have capacity. And it was like, love it capacity. And I'm like, okay, it made me really proud. And also I just was like, Thank you for telling me I. So glad you know that, what can we do? Or, like, sometimes it's not even a question. Sometimes it's like, let's do this, right? I'm not even like, do you want to do this? It's more directive, like, Okay, let's go. And honestly, a lot of times for us right now, it's putting on a show. And I know there's, like, a lot of conflicting information about screens and shows and things, but I find that at least for my kids in this season, when they are really stretched during the day, there is something that enables them to kind of probably dissociate a little bit from the overwhelm by watching something. And if we sit with them and are doing some skin to skin, like we're actually snuggling with them, and if we are actually watching it with them and responding to what we're watching, if we laugh at the things that are funny, not faking it, right, I find that connection gets reignited more easily than if I'm like, come on. Do you want to have mommy time? Do you want to read a book? Let's do some art. Let's go for a walk. Like, if I just almost, like, sneak in and connect with their body. Then sometimes the rest of them can come, you know, with it, but I do think that, you know, even as I'm thinking of this story, and as you're talking about skill regression, I'm just thinking about all the times in my life when I've had These huge transitions, relocating to different states multiple times, and how spread thin I felt and out of control. And that sense of being out of control and having things happen to you is a part of trauma. And so for anyone who has a history of trauma, you might also be triggered in some of these transitions by that sense of powerlessness. So anything that we can do that, like reconnects us with the present moment and what you do have control over can sometimes help with what can kind of flood you when you're feeling kind of stretched too far and feeling a little bit out of control? Yeah, oh my gosh, this is so I have, well, I've got two kids who are going through major transitions. The middle one just started middle school and has really just come home every day and just in the dark, watches Harry Potter something that he's seen a million times. So it's, there's been no new it's all like rote, kind of watching with, like a mix of, like crunchy, sweet snacks that are cold, you know, cold stuff. And really has just kind of moans, like I'm just so tired. So we've done our best to lower demand. And like, you know, he has Taekwondo and baseball. So right now, like, Taekwondo is, you know, he enjoys it. It's not like we're gonna, like, threaten, say, Oh, if you don't go or whatever. It's like, We know, for this time period. Like, it's not really in his like, capacity, I guess, to do it. And so then I'm thinking about my other my eldest, who is moving to a new country and language and starting grad school and doing some right now he's doing this, like, prep course, where it's, like, going back to Calculus and linear algebra and, like, this different stuff, which he took in college a while ago, right? But it's like this, and then there's, like, some programming stuff, and it's all crammed in, like, these few weeks before he goes. And he called me this morning and he said, I am so overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed hearing, I know I was like, what, most people wouldn't even attempt that. But so it's like and, but it's like this piece that he wants to make sure that he has, and we had already kind of talked through, like, what he wanted his outcome to be. But in the midst of it, you know, you lose perspective, because then there's housekeeping, right? It's like, where do I get groceries? Where do I get shampoo? You know what? Cafes are open? You know, his charger broke for his laptop. And there's all these, shoulds around, though, that list of things, right? But it's also like, you don't know where the stores are. You don't you know? I mean, it's all of these things that we can shut ourselves to death about how much we should be able to access. And I'm like, you may have to make a decision about how much, because the class. Isn't actually required. It's just something he feels like would be optimal, right? Yeah, and his bar is very high gifted much, yeah. And with the giftedness too, like most gifted folks, there's very low capacity, very hot or very low frustration level with new material, because so much new material, people are able to gifted folks are able to pass through pretty quickly and integrate, but then they're human and they're not not everything is going to be that way. There's things that are just harder concepts, and just take whatever and, like, for this one, he's teaching himself this, like, integrated court, I know, because basically they're reading the textbook on a video. So he has to, you know, whatever, wow, but Right? And it's like, I, you know, but like, so hard on himself. And I'm like, Can we zoom out for a second, because this is bananas, you know, I mean most people, but then there's, like, this other stuff. So it's like, even though he's changed countries before, and there was a muscle that's been starting to build, and stuff like that, I think sometimes when we go into these, like big transitions, which is most of life, there is parts of us still there. There is experience still there. And we are so quick to put the shoulds on ourselves, because we're like, I just did this. I went to Newcastle. It shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that hard. Like, I've done this before, like, yes, and that is wonderful. It was also a different language. It was also a different country. It was also like, you didn't have these certain things you had to do. But like, especially with gifted people, it's that common. I see that common thread over and over where it's like, I because the way they move through stuff with content and different things. There's so there's so little self compassion and grace when they hit a snag or they hit something that's just harder and just would require anyone more effort, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like that whole piece around just thinking about my own relocations, like when I was 26 I moved to Boston, and I knew someone there who had a car. It also was winter time when I moved there, I did not have a car, and I didn't live. I lived like a little over a mile from the T that the train and I, I remember crying about, like, how to get to target, because I grew up in the suburbs in Texas, so I'm like, where is the Walmart and the target? And like, how do I get to the grocery store? And I remember just being so exhausted, because it wasn't just, oh, I have to find this new place, and I have to, I have to learn the bus system. Busses, at least. Then this was a long time ago in Boston, were not reliable, and so I had to have all the right gear to be standing outside in the snow waiting for the bus, and then I had to know exactly where to get off. And the bus maps on the website, don't tell you that targets at this stop when you still have to be like, kind of you know you gotta be. And I'm like, by nature, I'm very hot temperature wise. Like, I have a lot of trouble regulating my body temperature, and so I would like walk to the end of the street in all this winter gear, and I would get on these busses with the air blowing, and I would be sweating, like, taking off my scarf, and it's wet, and like, just feeling like, oh my gosh, why did I even take a shower? Like it's summertime in Texas, based on how I looked, and then you gotta walk, you know, a block or so to the target. You go in, you get stuff, and then whatever you buy, you have to carry with you back onto the bus and back up that hill where you live. And it was just like it was so much work. And I just, I didn't anticipate it. And it was, it was like, this tiny little story, right? Like, I did not go to Target again for a very long time, until someone with a car took me. But it was just like, I'm going to be independent, and I'm in this new big city, and I'm excited, and then I did this thing that, like, wiped me out, and then I had to, like, go to work the next day, which sounds a little dramatic, but for neurodivergent folks, or anyone who has already like a sensitive nervous system that is vigilant or is just taxed already, you know you're going to hit limits a lot sooner. And so I didn't understand. How to, like, preserve my capacity while navigating, like, the newness of the change. And that has been like, a theme of my life. Like, oh, big transition. I only realized it after the fact, when I'm like, in recovery mode. And, gosh, wouldn't it be nice if I could see these coming and, like, be a little more proactive, so that I, like, I fare a little better through them. I mean, I'm just thinking about that time period too, like our mom had just died, and, you know, you were grieving. And I think about which makes me think about our season change every year, where we forget that this is the time that our bodies start mourning, and, like, two weeks after, we're like, Oh, why am I so sad? Right? It's the time your mom died. So it's like, we also carry these, like, stories and these things in our body too, that if we've had any distance from them, that we don't take into account right during these parts of the year. I'm also thinking about when you moved to Kansas City and, like, you had a new baby, right? And, like, in this really deep community, like rich community in one place, and then you had another one right away. Yeah, you think you'd be able to spot these things, or maybe we did. We're just like, we're gonna do it, yeah. I mean, there was a desperation there. But yeah, yeah, my oldest was six and a half months old. I think when we moved to Kansas City, and they are 16 months apart, and that was probably one of the hardest I it's still, I mean, it was what, like almost seven years ago, six years ago, I'm not sure, um, and it still is, like, the hardest transition I think I've gone Through, other than the death of a loved one. And I'm like, is this true? I've had so many hard transitions, even just like becoming a parent, but, but this has been, like, this long process of, like, really trying to build a life in a new place, and feeling like I was not prepared at all to do this in this season of life, with a young kid and then with two young kids, two babies. I mean, they were, yeah, it was so isolating and exhausting and a very sad stretch of time of just feeling like trapped at home, and when I said, Let's go like, let's we didn't know you're a perimenopausal either. No, I didn't, because you're right. I mean, I didn't realize how ill equipped I was to cope with the transition of moving here. And I think that that's also like the way it goes a lot right, like you lose a job, or you lose a person you love, or you an opportunity, and it it does catch you off guard. And I think that's that element of trauma that that feeling like it's happening to you and and I think this is why I feel so strongly about people acknowledging when they are in the midst of these kind of big transitions, and acknowledging them beyond, like the day or week that they like that pinpoint of time, you know, but seeing them as like a season and not as a moment in time, I think, is really important, because when we lose that context of, oh, it's beginning of the school year, oh, we are grieving the loss of a loved one, oh, we just moved here six months ago, we lose the ability to like, be compassionate toward ourselves, and to really care for ourselves In a gentle and kind way. I see this most with clients who are coming out of jobs where they have been, where they are careers, and they are experiencing burnout, and they come into burn, you know, they get to that burnout place they leave these jobs, or they're fired from them, or whatever. And this long, slow process of healing and making sense of this transition out of this grind that they were in for so long, we could do a whole episode on that. I mean, currently we could, yeah, and so it's like, we need compassion, and we also need to, like, acknowledge that even if you didn't see it coming there, you're not powerless. There are things you can do to soften the edges of a big transition. Yeah, and self compassion is one of them, and I will say, even in, even within that acknowledging that you also. To Be mindful that you're measuring a stick is unique to you, and how long it takes you to kind of integrate this new information and figure things out is cannot be compared to other people and society will over and over, like with grief and all of these other things, you know, covertly, overtly, make comments and say things and give messaging around like where you should or shouldn't be. And this is like that perspective piece, having people around you to like also remind you finding practices and stuff that help you really remember what your truth is around, like, where you're at and what you're going through and all of that. I mean, I just who it ain't easy. No, it's not. It's like, have your groceries delivered, order takeout, like, go to bed early. Do you know how many people I have, like client wise friends, who are in the middle of some big transition, and they are still doing the dance of but I also should be making healthy meals, and I also they're trying to manage 10 different, like categories of life that they feel like also listen, and I get it, because I think that with kind of the work that I've done with you, I have this understanding of like, when we're in that mode, the logic is kind of put to the side, you're the threat, and then you start ruminating and looking at every category and All that other stuff, really that, that perspective piece, and trying to get people to, like, move from that back into, like, the slow and the brick by brick, and building a life. I'm doing this. I'm doing this is, is I feel like one of the most valuable tools I have for myself now. And like, I want to make sure my kids have instilled in even my eldest this morning. I'm like, brick bribe, brick buddy. Like this is and and just calling out and saying when he's talking about and then this thing, and then this thing. And I'm like, when you're up here in the future, that is evidence that there is fear going on, and you're starting to grab things that aren't necessarily like the reality and the truth of like where you're at in this moment. And he was really open and receptive to that. But we need people like that in our life. Hey, you know what like, order to take out food if you can, yeah, like be you be willing to be curious about what does doing okay enough look like, considering what's going on right now for you and when that's not working as well, getting curious again. Like, what does it look like to be doing okay? Enough, right now. And if you have space for an energy for more than just doing okay, enough. Like, great. Then, like, add something else, but that, like, really thinking about how to be flexible in the midst of transitions, and, you know, overall, but definitely in the midst of these transitions, being flexible about how you're defining, you know, success and thriving and and whatever Like. Because I think, like all that internal noise makes it really hard to hear. What do I actually need today? What I need today is cereal for dinner, and I need to, like, go to bed and watch a show on my phone and then put in earplugs and go to sleep. Well, I can't hear that. If I'm like, oh, I need to have this and this, and I need to do that, and I'm not slowing down. And I think one thing about slowing down, I feel like, I have to say is, after doing Somatic Experiencing training, I have to acknowledge that slowing down for some people's body is excruciating, yeah, and at a minimum, can be just like uncomfortable. But for some people, it can feel repulsive, it can feel impossible to slow down, and that that is, you know, something to pay attention to. So obviously, we're not saying, if you've not obviously, let me just say explicitly, if you're feeling like slowing down is really hard, and it sounds terrible to you, then finding ways to do it that are tiny, so finding those little bitty gaps of time where you can just kind of feel into slowness, but like momentarily, and get a little taste of it. And. And like, let yourself be where you're at, but noticing, oh, well, maybe I could just excuse me. Maybe I could just chew this more slowly. Maybe I could not watch this in two and a half times speed. Maybe, like, just more slowly, like, not right, just tiny little things and momentarily, like, let's say you're walking to your car. Well, maybe five of the paces. You just intentionally make them a little bit slower. You don't need to, like, go, I'm walking slow motion for the next also, please, if you do that, reach out. I would love to hear about it something I do. But like, you know, can you drink your drink a little bit more slowly. Like, are there little ways you can, like, introduce slowness into your little ecosystem of your body that don't feel threatening and and so uncomfortable that you just say, I can't I'm not someone who's I don't slow down. I can't slow down. Okay, well, you can build that muscle. I promise you, you can, but you got to do it slowly. You have to be really gentle with yourself about it. So, yeah, I mean, I think we've been talking a little while. I feel like we could keep going. But I think for me, the takeaway here is to kind of have that toolkit in mind of things I know about certain transitions that happen in the life of my family and in me personally, and just knowing, like, Oh, here's some things I can do, like the cardinal rules of transition times in our house for me Right now is, like, slow way down, like low to no demand and path of least resistance, like, if they want to eat mac and cheese every night, then that's what we're having. If they want to watch a show right before bed, snuggled up next to me, then that's what we're doing. And I and I extend that same to me, if I don't want to wash my hair more than once a week, then I'm not going to. And I think we can move toward a place of self compassion by taking these small actions too. It kind of was like that, yeah, I think that's it's the same at my house too. And I want to echo that, because when your kids are transitioning back into school there, there isn't the option for lowering demand in the atmosphere, you know, maybe in small ways here and there, they can advocate, but that's a whole other like conversation. But as parents, what you can do is they're acknowledged. They're not broken. Their brains are totally mush right now. And what can I do at home to help them re resource themselves and to, like, get those spoons back in and to feel rest rest, so they have some capacity to meet that demand that inevitably they will have tomorrow, that they don't have as much control, and you don't have as much control over, and then eventually you'll start seeing, and you'll start hearing the language of, like, more capacity, like, Can we do this? Or just like, I mean, you know, my middle son will not be laying flat on the floor, you know, he'll be more of a spring in his step, of like, hey, I want to go to taekwondo tonight, because he really enjoys it, or whatever, and to not be afraid that this is forever or that, you know, yeah, it just Yeah. That's that, as a former teacher and parent, that's would be my number one like experiment. I think that is great advice for any big transition. I really do, I think, like really seeing yourself, not as like someone who's turned a corner and is never going back, but to see yourself in the actual context of what's going on, and tend to your body and to your soul in a way that feels restful and restorative and and be patient like wait, it will change. And trust yourself. And some ways you can kind of lean into that trust is to sometimes reminisce about when you've done this before. Sometimes we forget, like, wow, I've done some really hard stuff, some Yeah, some really hard transitions I have. And, you know, it isn't forever, yeah, and that's what the that's kind of what that stress response wants us to believe. Like, oh no, oh no. This is like, we should panic, we should constrict. We should like, you know, my kid's gonna fail. Like, they're just, yeah, they can't manage this, like, they need interventions and whatever. And you know what, maybe they do. But. So let's get a clearer picture of what accommodations or what they may need. If it's more than that, right? We want to like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know I keep going back to like, any situation, because I feel like I just not everyone is a parent and not as a metaphor. H kid metaphor for I guess it's metaphor. We should have said that at the beginning. Think of it as a metaphor. I do think that like that's true in the workplace, that's true in a new relationship, that's true, you know, where it can be really easy to get it stuck in a loop of reactivity and just reacting to what's happening, or what you think is happening, and a little bit of slowness will help you to to lean into a little bit of slowness in these, like, higher stakes scenarios, if you're practicing in these little embodied ways, then when you have this moment of like, oh gosh, This person at work gave me really negative feedback. You're building capacity for that piece of unknown, of like, how is this going to go? Well, maybe I could wait and see a little bit of like, what are they like the next time I interact with them, before I start spiraling into how they hate me, right? Applying these different skills to all different types of transitions is an important thing to remember. I was thinking about marriage, and just how long does it take to, like, really, like, negotiate and like, know each other, and to like the iterations and all of that stuff. And if you were in that beginning part, just, well, this is never going to change. This is never going to go anywhere. Yeah, one would stay married, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just yeah, there's and, and obviously there are toxic people in toxic environments where, you know, maybe you took a new job and it's like all signs pointing to disaster. We're not saying don't respond to anything that you're noticing if you're in a situation where, especially if you're not feeling safe, but we're also saying that having a different relationship to the process of, you know, integrating whatever the new thing is, does take time. And for a lot of neurodivergent people, and just people in general, I think it can be really hard to be patient for things, for the dust to settle, so to speak, and to actually be able to assess the situation. Yeah, and I agree, and I think that one of the hardest parts of the patience part, I don't know, at least for me, is perspective. When you have perspective, or you have at least one other person in your life, like, when you're getting that urgency, or you're kind of going backwards, or whatever, can help you to zoom out a little bit. It's really important. I think doing this stuff completely in isolation, it is so much harder sometimes to zoom out and to not, like, fall into that sense of urgency, because we're human. I mean, I know for me, if I did not have you guys, I mean, I don't know how many decisions I would have made that, you know, because we don't have to know. That's the good news, yeah, that's the good news, yeah, okay, I got I gotta go bye. Little harsh transition. Sarah, yeah, I gotta go to bed. I gotta go to bed. Love you. I love you too. Bye, bye.