Ep8: Stress relieving tips for the overwhelmed working mom with Esther Ogbaji

The first time I connected with Esther was via the thriving Olive Tribe, an online community that served its purpose in about 3months.

You can’t listen to her and not feel relaxed. As a mental health nurse and stress management coach with special interest in moms, Esther has shared very useful and practical tips on how to help overwhelmed working moms de-stress.

The highlight for me are the 4 principles of dealing with overwhelm.

I can’t wait for you to listen to this episode and get the very useful gems she shared.


Connect with her on LinkedIn: Esther Ogbaji

Transcript

0:00

Hi everyone. And welcome to another episode of distress with Dr. E and I'm really, really excited about today's because we have someone amazing as the guest for the podcast today. And that is Esther. Esther, you're going to tell me everything about, you're going to tell the audience in fact about you. Okay. And we are going to have an awesome, awesome topic today, which is stress relieving tips for the overwhelmed working mom. This topic is also there to me because I think I need it as well. You would have a stress management coach. So Esther is an expert in this field. I've seen her teach a lot on her social media. She was also part of the stress management summits last year, and you can imagine the wealth of knowledge she has in addition to the group she has. In fact, let me stop there because let her do the introduction herself. All right. Thank you, Esther. So happy to have you here. Just tell us about yourself. Thank you, Dr. Ezine. It's been amazing. Meeting you was one of my blessings of 2023. And I appreciate the gift of you. You have impacted me so much with that Olive Tribe group. It was brief, but it was really impactful. Thank you so much. So like you said, my name is Esther, Esther Obadji. I am a young woman, a mother of four amazing kings. I'm also a working mother, presently working with the government of Nigeria and one of the hospitals. I am a mental health nurse with a very strong passion for stress management, especially as it affects mothers. who are working. This is because I have seen firsthand, I have experienced what stress can do to a mother, especially stress that is not managed. A lot of women go into marriage, get children without having necessary skills that would equip them to navigate motherhood with less stress. And so you, you see us struggling to be. Real mothers to be good mothers to be mothers who thrive. And that's where I come in. I have experienced some negative effects and impacts of stress. And so I decided to reach out to mothers. I decided to impact them with knowledge, teach them skills that will help them. Be the best version of themselves as this you that have been longing to come out and because we are not skilled because we don't have the knowledge we keep suppressing that person down and so that's what I do help mothers teach them how to be better versions of themselves through stress management aside from being a mental health I am a stress management coach, and I have come to understand the relationship between stress and mental health. A lot of mothers want to be mentally healthy. A lot of workers want to be mentally healthy. And I have come to know that when you manage your stress well, It's going to be a walk in the park for you to maintain your mental health. So that is what I do in a nutshell. And I'll be really, really, I'm excited as it is to talk about overwhelm because it's a topic that's it like it goes paraphrasal with mothers. You rarely see a mom who is. not overwhelmed. How much more a working mother. So I'm excited to jump into this stuff, but thank you for having me this wonderful day. I think I'm going to try to unpack all you've said. First of all, first of all you started with the thriving olive tribe. Yes. Yeah. It was for those that are listening. It was something that was inspired it, a tribe that was inspired. I'll say, yeah, it was inspired by God. Early last year, I think February. So it just lasted for, A short while, less than three months. So it has a tribe that's where I was showing up every Friday to teach and hearing this from you you know, when you do something and you're like, okay, this is one of those things you should be consistent weeds and continue to do it. But then. It just ends abruptly and you're like, okay, why did you even start it in the first place? But then hearing this from you is like, okay, it was meant to be, because I remember when I had that tribe, it was more like, there is no strategy. And I don't know how long this tribe is going to last. I remember saying that and everything I was teaching every week was inspired. By God, every single week. Yeah. So for those listening to me, if you're still interested in all the things that I shared in that tribe, I have compiled them in a drive is free. Just write to me and just check my description. There'll be a way to contact me and I'll send you that link. Okay. So back to what we are talking about. Esther, when you were talking, I could feel the passion in your voice. You know, it's like a fish in water, your own natural habitat is not something you're struggling to do. So I could feel that passion in your voice. And that's what would make me want to know what's made you go into mental health nursing because. When I started hearing about mental health nursing was we were trying to relocate to the UK. That was when I started hearing there was something like that. I didn't hear about it in Nigeria. So how did you get interested in that field and also working in that field in Nigeria? Okay. You know, as an individual, I, I always want to know why. And I'm trying to know why it means you want to understand the workings of the mind. And that's one thing that drove me into mental health. I really want to understand how does the mind work. I was really fascinated and I have been fascinated about it. So that's one of the things that pushed me into studying mental health. And it's one field of nursing for me that I find very, very, very intriguing. You don't meet the same thing every day. You go to work today, you are going to see something different. And I love that challenge. I love that being on your toes, like you don't know what you are going to see today. So it's something that's made me go into that. And I have come to love mental health, especially even in Nigeria. you begin to understand what people go through. Why they go through that. And it's very satisfying for me when I help someone understand why they are going through that, like the story behind what is happening to them, how their mind is working. It's really fulfilling. And that's one of the joys I get working in mental health in Nigeria. And even in the course of my interaction with women, with mothers, and even those who are non mothers, I discuss about stress. This, ah, so this is, what is happening? Well, the feeling is beyond description. So that's part of what drives me. As a mental health nurse and even as a stress advocate. Well, I can imagine how it feels when you help somebody uncover why they feel the way they do or why they are having the symptoms they are having. Well done. Especially in in Nigeria where where mental health. It's not it's mental health awareness is not as much as we have it here. There is so many information here, so much support for those wondering, I'm in the UK, so many supports, as in it's something that you can easily express For instance, there was a, that was a child I was talking to. I mean, 14 year old. She told me that she has had depression. In the past three years, that means since she was 11, she was out where she has a diagnosis of depression. So that awareness has made them to be really, really expressive about things like this. Talking about how they feel. You know, they can put a name to their emotions. They can tell you, Hey, I feel upset right now. I feel irritable and becoming a, my mood is low. You know, unlike where we come from, where there's that stigma, you can't even talk about certain things. In fact, if you voice out that you're stressed, somebody else will count that you first of all, that you shouldn't be stressed that they're also going through what stress, you know, So how do you try to get people to open up to you? Like to express themselves and then go to the point, to the extent of helping them dig deep to understand why they are feeling the way they feel or why, why the experience or what the experience, how do you get people to open up to you? You know, there's this thing about being vulnerable when you, you, you give out a little school of yourself. You might not tell the whole story about yourself. You see someone struggling, let's say a mother. struggling with a child that is throwing a tantrum and you could see visibly that she was getting upset herself even more upset than the child. So when you say, ah, my child does the same thing. It's like you have developed a kind of kinship with her. It's easy for her to listen to you because she knows this person is coming from where I'm coming from. She knows this person is, has gone through what I am experiencing. So when people see that you have, you have a knowledge and then maybe an experience of what they have been going through, they tend to listen to you. And if they sense this Authenticity from you. It's easy for them to like tell you, this is what has been happening. They might just volunteer a little information and see what you will do with that. See how you will handle that little they give to you. And that's the way we build trust. There must be a relationship, like a bridge we need to build to reach that gap. And once I discovered that, I am able to make a connection with such individuals and then build a stronger relationship. Wow. Wow. That's quite a great interpersonal skill there. And to be honest, it can be really tempting. Like you said, you just share little information and then they are able to open up to you because They see that, okay, I can trust this person. They, they kind of understand what I'm going through, so I can open up more to them. But then there may be this temptation to even take over the conversation and start gisting about your own self and then forget what the other person is. So it's quite a skill. Wow. Awesome. Awesome. Okay. Let me now come down to the topic for today. And that is you are a mental health nurse. You also have your ministry or business where you help overwhelmed working moms. And at the same time you have your own family. So for someone that is in this situation, a working mom, and also probably you have another business or ministry or something else that you're interested in, how, what seeps. Can someone use to manage the overwhelm of trying to handle all of these, and this is in addition to someone that is probably someone's child, someone's friend. So there are still more responsibilities for you to handle and you're just one person. Just like we're recording this session and my kids have come in looking for my attention. So how can someone stay sane amidst these various responsibilities? What tips do you recommend? All right. Thank you, doctor. You know, I have been privileged to attend one of your, your webinars. about breakup with stress. I don't know if you can remember. Yes. Yeah. I remember. Yes. I remember. Okay. You said something very profound that I have been running with. And what you said is that. Stress management is a lifestyle. You said that and I held on to that. I have been telling people about that stress management is a lifestyle. Now, to avoid overwhelm, to handle overwhelm is going to be a lifestyle thing. It's not something that you would just do in the moment and you go back to start to school tomorrow. I'll wait until next week when you feel overwhelmed again, you decide to bring out, go to that drawer where you stuffed those ideas and those tips and bring them out and look for the ones you use immediately. I see it as this daily incremental. Transformation. It's something you do daily that over time you begin to reap the benefits. I always tell people there are four principles you could live by to help you deal with overwhelm. Now, even with our best practices, with all our good intention, once in a while we may get overwhelmed, but then to reduce the occurrence of that, these principles have been. So I'm going to be talking about how to be able to help me and help the first principle that I teach people is that not everything needs to be done today. Put that at the back of your head. Not everything needs to be done today. In all the responsibilities, the roles, all the areas of your life where you think you have tasks to do today, not all of it have to be done today. And that's where prioritization comes in. That's where time management comes in. Now, the second principle I tell people is, not everything needs to be done perfectly. One of the reasons people become overwhelmed is some have this sense of perfectionism. Things must be done in a certain way. They want to recreate a certain experience, a certain event that they saw somewhere and they get themselves overwhelmed. Maybe they don't even have enough skill, they don't have resources to get to that point, that 100%. They get overwhelmed trying to do that. So not everything needs to be done perfectly. You don't need to iron all the napkins and force them in a certain way. The third thing I tell people is not everything needs to be done by you. There is only one you. Just one you. So you want to be the mommy, you want to be the housewife, you want to be the wife of your husband. You still have a ministry, you still have a job to do, you have a business, your personal development is there. Not everything has to be done by you. You can delegate. You can ask for help. It's still okay. So the last one is not everything needs to be done at all. There are some things that are not necessary. When you look at it, you might just be trying to be like the Jones. You want to be like the obese. You want to be like the Musas. You're trying to compare yourself. Or maybe trying to meet up with societal expectations. Not everything needs to be done at all. These four principles have helped mothers. Even those that are not moms. It has helped them to live by these principles. So you wake up every day, you look at that or to-do list, and at the back of your mind, you tell yourself, not everything needs to be done today. So you reduce this pressure on yourself. You tell yourself, not everything needs to be done by me, that you begin to prioritize which one is important. But it's not urgent. I can give it to somebody to do it. I can supervise. I can delegate responsibilities to my children, to those in the house. My husband can take this part of the walk. So I still have some time to take care of myself. These four principles are handy tips. Go to principles that you could live by and then incorporate other specific strategies based on your specific, your unique circumstance that will now help you deal with those overwhelms. I don't know if I've made any sense at all. Wow. This is over sense. If there is anything like that, I've actually noted it down. The four principles. Wow. This is new. And you know, you know it makes it easier in the sense that if you can just remember these principles and then you get overwhelmed, you're able to categorize Which one do I really need to deal with right now so that it can help me reduce the overwhelming feeling. For instance, my, my sister in law wrote to me that she's overwhelmed, okay, with working, taking care of the kids because her husband is not at home at the moment. So taking care of the kids and then their house help has left. So it's just her. And three little children that are still totally dependent on her in addition to the job. So when she gave me this information, I've just been thinking, what should I do? Okay. One of the things is to speak to someone to see if there's a way we can get someone that can help with domestic help, but at the same time, how can she cope in the meantime? Okay. I know that first of all, I have to speak to her to ask her, like, what are the areas you need help with, you know, but then the question I just want to ask now is for people like in her situation that used to have help. You know, like one of the principles is not everything has to be done by me. How can somebody like that start adjusting to reduce overwhelm in such a situation? Okay, you mentioned that she's working. Is it possible to reduce the hours she works, so she can still sneak out a little time? Would that be an option? That is a possible option. Maybe look at the timing she works, so it reduces the time, or maybe reduce her work loop. I'm also part of a parenting school, parenting academy. And they always advise that begin to groom your children to take responsibilities. From when they are little, age appropriate responsibilities. Now, at whatever age the child is, we could still delegate some kind of responsibility to that child. It might not be done perfectly. We are going somewhere again. It might not be done pro Perfectly. But then it gets your, your, your mind off that someone is handling this. I could just supervise that. And then there are certain responsibilities, certain tasks at home that you don't need to do every day because you are trying to cut back on your activities, certain things that you used to do daily. That you could get by with good enough. It may not be 100%. If you used to sweep the house every day, you could move it down to five times a week. We're just looking for pockets of time that we can. Steal and make use of it for self care for herself. Self care is really important. She should not compromise on her self care for anything because compromising on self care is going to make it even a lot worse. So I think she could manage, look at how to manage her time, her energy, her work. If you can reduce the time, then delegate responsibilities. And like she has reached out to you. There could still be some other support network that she could still reach out to, maybe people closer to her. Can I just drop off my kids for 30 minutes with you? Let me just get my head down. So these are things she could still explore. Support network, and then look for ways to manage her time, manage her time. So these are things that I could, I could just suggest on the spots. We may still need to discuss further to get some more specific answers, but I think she could work on this. She could work on this. Yeah. You know there, there were two things I picked from, from the things you said. The first one is age appropriate chores for the kids that strategy is really, really helpful. Let me use myself as an instance, I when it comes to manual label, okay. When it comes to doing things with my hands, I don't really like them. But I have to do them because they are necessary. For instance, I'm not great with washing, washing clothes. And it's not that I don't wash, but I do that because I have to stay clean, not because I love it, so it got to the point that when I was getting married and my parents asked me, what do I want? For them to get me, I told them, no matter what you're buying, make sure there is washing machine, please. No matter what you're buying as a number. One thing on that list is washing machine. Yes. No, these are people that have not used washing machine in their lives. And Thankfully they got it for me. Thank, thankfully. I'm really grateful to them. They got it for me, so when it comes to things like that, I beg, I don't want that stress when it comes to things that has to do with mental activities. Okay. Call me. I'm really quick to do stuff. So with that thoughts, I've started help grooming my child. She's four to do things herself. Okay. She can make her tea herself. She can dress herself very well. she can clean her room better than me. I realized that she tries to be independent. So I try to even help her. To be more independent in teaching her the skills that are helpful, which is also helping me. So what you said is, is really key. There are age appropriate chores children can, can do like the one that is one wants to help me load the washing machine with clothes. Okay, do it. All I need to do is to supervise you, you know, so it will get to a point where I don't even need to supervise you because you've learned the skills so you can do it yourself. So, yes, yes, it's really, really helpful. And then the second thing I picked was when you talked about support network, having a support network where sometimes you can just reach out to someone or enable. Let me just drop these kids, even if it's 30 minutes, one hour, and just take care of myself. You know, sometimes we don't think about these things. We just want to do everything ourselves. We want to be there for them all the time, 100 percent all the time. And then we get ourselves overwhelmed. And then the kids start wondering why mommy's always irritable, why mommy's always shouting, why mommy's always yelling at them at every slightest thing. This is it. You're overwhelmed. You can't function at your hundred percent, but these little, yeah, but these little breaks that you can give yourself can help you be that awesome mom you want to be. You get. Thank you so much. You raised really, really valuable points that will be helpful, not just to my sister in law, but to other overwhelmed moms. So the last thing I just want to ask is how do you manage to stay so calm? Like, to ask this question, even the way you talk is like, is like, You know when you have a cold drink on a very sunny day, it's so calming, so soothing as way too. So how do you have money to stay calm for someone that has a busy life? You have kids? I do have kids. How many kids have you got? Sorry. Four kids. Okay. Okay. Okay. now you get what I'm talking about. You have four children, you have your job, you have your stress management coaching that you do. And you're always showing up consistently on social media, sharing valuable posts. How do you manage to stay calm and And relaxed. And stay sane, even for those that are listening to me, you can agree with me, even from the sound of a voice that she's all these things I just mentioned. So how do you manage to do that? One thing I try to be mindful. I try to live mindfully. I try to be present in, in the moment. When I walk, I walk, when I play, I play. And I am also someone who loves music. That's something that helps me de stress and I'm never far away from a good music. So it's It tends to keep me calm. It tends to keep me grounded. So these are like the two, two very major things I do for myself. Mindfulness and then my, my coping mechanism. That's good music. So it has helped me. So I advise people to look for what's, what's keeps them sane. What helps you stay refreshed? And above all, practice mindfulness. There's something, one narrative we're sold to as women, that has not helped us, and that's this thing of multitasking. It has not helped us at all, at all, because if I am multitasking, I am neither here nor there. Something happened not so long ago that made me strengthen my resolve not to multitask. I came back from work one of these very tiring days and I still had my evening activities to do. My son wanted my attention, so I was just giving him this half hearted, mm hmm, okay, all right, mm hmm, and I was busy doing my cooking in the kitchen. Suddenly, he asked something, and I honestly was not listening. And then I said, mm? He said, Mommy, you are not hearing. Never mind. Ah! The never mind cuts me to the bone, as in, I felt it. I had to stop what I was doing. I followed him, apologized, and then gave him my full attention. So, if we want to get memories that we'll treasure tomorrow, it's when we are present in the moment. The way I am discussing with you, tomorrow I'm going to think back on this and smile, because I'm enjoying this moment. And if I am multitasking, talking with you, trying to put something on the fire, trying to answer the phone, trying to respond to calls or texts, I'm not gaining from each of it and I won't get good feelings from them. So I advise people to be mindful and then do something that refreshes you. It's going to help us all. Wow. Wow. Thank you so much for that. That's even for me, Sef, like it's, that's even for me, where you're trying to record a video and replying to emails at the same time just talking as in different things at the same time. And then you realize that you're not even churning out quality stuff in all the things you're doing. But with mindfulness. You give it your best at all times. Thank you so much. If I, when I finished this video now, I'm going to play, and I'll play well. Please play well. I love that Dr. so much. so much. It's so refreshing. Before I go, I would want to, I want to drop something. You know, I mentioned when we were talking that sometimes even with all our best practices, we still become overwhelmed. We still find ourselves overwhelmed. That's something that has helped me to like a breakthrough. You know, as a doctor, someone is having a seizure, you give an injection to break through the seizure. For that moment, it's not a long term thing. It's something that I advise people to do to help you break through in that moment. And first of all, I tell people label that emotion. It's very easy for you to ask somebody. Hey doctor, what is the problem right now? What's wrong with you? And they tell you, I don't even know. That is going to make that thing just keep going on and on on the inside. It's just like when you are in the class, a teacher in the class, and there are, there are, there is a group of mischievous boys, children sitting at the back and giggling and causing trouble. And you just tell them, hey, stop that. They will just giggle at you and continue what they are doing. But if you are able to mention the ringleader and say, Hey, Johnny, stop that. I see you. Everyone is going to stop because they've got the culprit. So if you're able to identify that emotion, yes, you are overwhelmed. What are you overwhelmed by? What are you overwhelmed with? Overwhelmed with fear. Overwhelmed with sorrow. What is that emotion? Try to put a finger on it. Somehow it reduces the power it has over you and your brain begins to like, okay, we are dealing with fear here. We are dealing with sorrow here. Or whatever emotion you are going through, try to label it. The pressure begins to reduce. You can see clearly to focus. Maybe you have, you might have have strategies, you might have tips for dealing with fear. But because you are not able to pinpoint that emotion, it's just looking jumbled and mumbled and just everything unclear. And then you are able to label that emotion. The next thing I advise you to do is bring down, get a sheet of paper, get your journal, just begin to write. It doesn't need to be a masterpiece, the way you are feeling those things that are getting you overwhelmed, just put them down. It's going to be like a valve is being opened. And there's this pressure that is reducing the way the ball, as in the pressure that ball is being inflated, just going down and down and down. So you feel yourself calm. It's almost like the feeling you get when you talk to somebody, you talk to your therapist, you discuss with a friend, or you're just with yourself writing down. Let it all out, write it down. And after that, there are two things I suggest. Do something that refreshes you. Practice self care for yourself. If you don't do that, maybe then look at your list and begin to prioritize. Look at those things you need to do. For me, I think overwhelm happens not just because we have so much to do, but because we don't know where to start from, when you don't even know where to start from. Look at that list, prioritize it. What do I need to do? What can I delay? What can I delegate? What can I delete? What can I discard? Suddenly, the sun is shining brighter, and you're feeling even better. So it's going to help you break through that overwhelming moment. I hope it helps someone out there. I sincerely hope it do. We don't need to live with overwhelm. It shouldn't be a way of life for us. Because there's this ripple effect it has. Those around you begin to get overwhelmed too. It sows our relationship, it reduces our productivity, and you don't mother well, you don't mom well. That's my small tip, Dr. E. Can I have a, can I, can I, can I suggest something to you? Alright, ma'am. Yeah, I, I know you, you share a lot on LinkedIn and that's in form of writing. I would suggest if you can also include recording, probably video recording or just something that records your voice. Okay. You, you get. Whether it's video or just audio, but something that records your voice in explaining the things you share in the written form. Yeah, because just as you see, it sounds like therapy, to be honest. Yeah, think about it. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You've shared so many valuable stuff that I'm really, really sure is going to help someone out there, an overwhelmed mom. And for those that are listening. I know you find these really valuable. So also share this to your mom, friends your colleagues and every other person, you know, that is going to find this really valuable. Okay. And on how to reach out to Esther, I'm going to share her details in the description. Thank you once again, Esther. I really appreciate your presence in this. That's all I have to say for this episode it means a lot. Thank you. And thank you. And thank you.