Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode. I hope that you got a chance to listen to last week's episode and that you enjoyed it. I know it was like a little bit different than what I usually do talking to Karrie about things like entrepreneurship and stuff like that, but there were so many good gems in there.
And, and I had quite a few people actually reach out and say that they like, Oh, I didn't realize that was an ADHD thing that I do, or, you know, little things like that from that episodes, which I was really glad about. So I hope you had a chance to listen and that you enjoyed that. It is, it's Sunday here, and we had like a random dump of snow overnight.
So it's been kind of interesting. My kids are pretty excited about it, and I think they're really hoping it's going to translate into like a snow day tomorrow for school. Well, two of my kids anyways. One of them, it's so funny, this is sort of a sidebar, but I don't know if anybody out there is a parent and has children who are also neurodiverse and my daughter struggled so badly with going to school.
She had like deep anxieties, but also was very defiant and all of this stuff. So this was about two years ago. It was really rough. Like, I think she maybe missed half the school year. We just couldn't get her to go. It was tough. It's hard to even think back to that. But now she's the kid that like, Would be disappointed if there was no school tomorrow.
It's, it's crazy. It's like a total 180. And if you had asked me two years ago, like, I felt like this was going to be like the rest of our lives was going to be like this of like trying to convince her to go and all of this stuff. And I'd like, it was like, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like for me, for her, on her behalf, kind of.
But now she's like, Just so excited to go. It's, it's crazy. So, I just, for anybody out there who's, who's dealing with that, just so you know, there really can be light at the end of the tunnel and things can change because it's like, it's wildly different now. And I, I think it's just, I swear like all of my kids, it's kind of around the age of seven that they seem to have struggled the most with a lot of these things.
So, sending you power if this is you in that situation because I've been there and you guys will totally get through it. Anyhow, that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about today. Today I want to talk about autonomy. And this has come up, like, I feel like I've used this word more in the last year than I have ever in my life.
I actually said to my husband, I'm like, do you have anything to say about autonomy before I record the podcast? And he's like, yeah, I wouldn't be able to define that word if you asked me to. It's something that is very, very important for us as people with ADHD, and especially as it relates to if you are somebody who wants to pursue weight loss and Um, uh, I don't know if anybody wants to work within some kind of framework or plan or something or with a coach or anything like that.
Really, anybody. Autonomy is very, very important and I have learned that along the way, but since my husband didn't really know what it means, I actually like looked up a full on definition because maybe other people don't really know, but autonomy means The experience of acting from choice rather than feeling pressured to act.
So to me, I kind of think of it as having input, having a say. Yeah, it's not just you reacting and following a set of rules or something. It's you having a choice or a say in whatever you're doing. And, like, we know as people with ADHD, we know that we don't like being told what to do. But that's not all of it.
Like, that is not the full picture of where autonomy becomes so important. It's sort of that, like, somebody just telling you what to do, it doesn't empower you to function or learn how to operate, basically. And it keeps you dependent on the rules of, you know, whatever it is that you're doing. And in order for you to function, if you're still dependent on somebody else telling you what to do, and you don't have any input or say or, you know, choice to act on, then You just, you can't really adapt or change or learn how to make decisions when things, you know, don't go exactly the way you expect them to.
So Autonomy is just, it's just so important for so many reasons. And so I don't really have like a numbered list of things to talk about today. So sorry for those of you that really rely on having that, you know, defined structure for things. But I do have lots of things to talk about, but I don't have them in a, you know, point form way.
But yeah, let's just talk about autonomy. So it is a basic human need for everybody, but it is so important for us, especially as people with ADHD. It's another one of those like paradoxes because it's so important for us, but also we're probably less likely to have kind of developed autonomy in our lives.
A lot of the times based on how things went for us in childhood, not intentionally or anything like that, but because, you know, I think of my kids and how they're not as aware of things naturally. So, like. Noticing that, you know, you can't just run out into the street or things like that. And, and, you know, there's all people talk about all the time about this whole, like, you know, children with ADHD have heard 20, 000 more negative comments about their behavior or whatever, by the time they're a certain age.
I don't know that exact statistic, but it's just, we haven't had the chance to develop this autonomy as much as children or even into like early adulthood. Because of how we end up being treated, how we're raised, and just the way our brains work. All of that stuff kind of contributes to that, so it's just kind of a little bit frustrating, like, I don't know if frustrating is the right word.
But like, that we haven't had the opportunity to develop the autonomy as much as maybe a neurotypical child would have. And yet we also really need it and really depend on that autonomy, perhaps a little bit more. That's just my own opinion on that part. I think it's so important to remember that because, like, our brains Just work differently, and we, like, we tend to think in such a non linear way.
I saw someone describe it as, like, uh, associative style, sort of like, divergent thought patterns, which, that makes sense to me. I, I know that I think like that. And that means that we need to find our own way to do things, otherwise, we don't get it done. Right? Like, somebody just telling you, follow these, you know, six steps.
Exactly. That often doesn't work for me, I know. And also, like, if I can do it my way, that's great. You can tell me what the end goal is, and I'll find my way to do it. Like, it makes me think of when you're younger and you're in math class, and you're like, solve the problem, and you're like, oh, yep. Done.
Solved the problem. Okay, show your work. I don't know. I don't know how I got there. I just, I figured it out. Like, I, I thought about it and I figured it out. Like, but just trying to go back and, and show the steps, it's often really hard because we just went our own, like, random, divergent way. It's not gonna look like everybody else's, but we can still get it done.
But if you tried to tell us not to do it that way. It's going to probably be a real struggle for us. So even like in the way that we like tell stories, I always think of this is like, I'm a really visual thinker. I'm probably a lot of you are too, but like, I think of like, some like somebody else telling a story is like, let me get from point A to B and I'm telling this story and it's like a straight line of like events.
But me telling a story, it's like crazy scribbles, like all over the place. And like, eventually I get to the end. of my story, and I've included, like, so many probably irrelevant to somebody else facts. And I'm like, wow, that took a really long time. But that's just how I tell the story. That's how my brain got there.
That's kind of the way it is too, right? Like, with the divergent way of thinking. So sometimes we just, like, I think a lot of the time we might mix up somebody telling us what to do with telling us how to do it and so it kind of all comes back to that whole thing of, you know, it's okay, we have frameworks we have to work within, like, we can be told, oh, we need to get to this point, but We need the autonomy to be able to, like, create the steps to get there with our input in order for us to be successful with that.
I know that sounds really abstract, but that's kind of what I'm getting at, is that we need to be able to have this choice, this input, in order for us to have a chance at being successful with things. Because, like, rigid instructions and, like, external pressure and stuff like that. That can quickly feel like super restrictive for us and then we get frustrated and then we just kind of.
Give up, right? I heard, or I read somewhere, it was on a website, it was psychiatrists, and, and there was this one psychiatrist, Dr. Julia Diaz, and she was talking about ways to help people with ADHD to develop autonomy. And so she said, and this really, I really was like, this makes so much sense to me, but she was saying to the degree possible to avoid environments and activities that are overly structured, restrictive, or stressful.
Doesn't that make sense to you guys? I know for me, that's, I don't thrive in environments like that. But she continued to say, you want to create a balance that allows you to be functional, successful, and engaged with individuals and the environment. I totally love that. Like, I, that whole concept, I'm like, that sounds so much more positive and doable to be functional and engaged.
And that kind of stuff as opposed to being on the receiving end of like restriction and structure and stress. Like no, yuck. But these are all like reasons why just being told what to do, following a prescriptive plan, like it just doesn't really work for us. Because it kind of goes back into that cycle of you feel pressured, you feel constricted, or like boxed in, and then you basically feel like you have to like bust out of this, this box that you've been placed into and like run away.
That's what it's like for me anyways. But then you're back to square one because you feel like, oh, I failed at this. I can't do it the way other people are doing it. And then either you worry that other people think you just aren't trying, or maybe they really do think you just aren't trying hard enough.
I hate that. Anybody insinuating that you're just not trying hard enough, or you just don't want it enough. Ugh, yuck. Anyways, but then with that, really, like, all that happened was that you just didn't get a chance to go about it with your own inputs into it, right? So it just, like, it's so important for you to have a say in how you operate.
Another thing to consider here is that setting goals with somebody can give you that feeling of autonomy and agency that you're probably looking for. And it also makes it easier for you to kind of participate in and engage in the tasks that you're going to do, because if you had a say in it, it just feels more relevant to you and more doable.
And another part of that is like understanding why, and like the bigger goal that you're working on that helps you to feel like you're not irritated, less irritated by the whole thing. Because you're engaged in it and you know why you're doing it. And that just makes me think of, like, parenting. Sorry to all of those out there who don't have kids, because I do often, like, use my kids or parenting as a comparison because it's just, it just makes so much sense in my mind.
But, like, I think about that with kids. Like, if you just tell them what to do. Don't do this. Don't do that. Do this. Do that. Because I said so. You know, all those types of things, and you punish them when they don't do it right, and you have all these rules for them to follow, and you don't give them information.
Like, they have no clue what's going on. If they don't know why something is the way it is, that doesn't help them learn how to, like, make good choices. And it also would like, they tend to then internalize it and just assume because they're always getting in trouble then, because they're not following these rules, because they don't think that way, that they must be bad people.
You know, like, I, I try so hard to like, tell my kids why they can't do something. And it's tough too, though. I will say it is hard as a parent, because my kids now will ask why. And they're not doing it to be like, jerks or anything. Like, if you say, like, Go do this, or whatever. And then they say, why? And the natural reaction is that like, they're talking back.
They're not talking back. They just want to understand why. And that's okay. And that's good. And I want them to be curious like that. And I think they deserve to understand why they do things because I know that's going to equip them in the future to be able to make these decisions for themselves and not always be reliant on somebody else to tell them what to do, which they resist anyways.
Anyhow, totally went off on a tangent on that part, but I just think like understanding why you're doing something and having a bit of input into it, it just makes it so much better. The other part of that is that, yeah, like that, like I was talking about, they can't develop critical thinking if they're always being told what to do and thinking that, like, the only way to be successful is to follow this, like, set of rules, like, right to a T, and that's actually not what makes a successful person or makes it makes you reach your goals by following these rules.
I mean, that's so easily how we become people pleasers too, right? Like, because we think that's what makes us good, is if we're somebody who follows these rules exactly. And that means success. And that's how you get, like, rewarded in life. Ugh, no, not true. Anyways, so all of this that I've said, let's bring it all back to weight loss.
You know, I, I want to really like see, I mean, of course, autonomy just in general is so important for us with ADHD. But in terms of weight loss, like, it's this. Balance, right? Because there are still basic frameworks of what will actually lead you to success. We've talked about this so much. It's energy balance, right?
Like you do technically have to be in a calorie deficit in order to lose weight. But just being told what to do, I don't think is the way for us and it like doesn't really lead to success because you need to be able to get there in your own way. Right? I mean, it's like this balance between the end goal, like it's almost like we would be, we're better off being told, this is the goal and you can get there however you want to and find the way that works for you.
But we also like when things are super open ended like that, that can also be a little bit tough for us. Right? Because we. I don't know. We do need guidance and structure. Like I know I've heard other people use this example. I wish I could remember who it was. Using the example of like the guard, like the rail thingies, like when you're bowling, you know, the ones that help you to like not to make your ball not go into the like Divot thingies on the side.
Clearly, I don't bowl very often, but you know, like, it's like, nobody's actually like telling you exactly what to do or rolling the ball for you, you still have the same goal, but you can have these guardrails up to like, kind of keep you on the right track. And that's okay. I always think of it too with, like, this, the whole, like, autonomy input thing, like, again, here we go back to the parenting, but it's kind of like when your kids are little, like, my girls went through these phases where they were, like, real, like, they are so strong willed and want to have their own choices.
They want to wear what they want to wear and I'm fine with that. Like, I don't care. Like, I think if you want to wear the Elsa dress. As long as it's not, like, completely dirty and disgusting, that's fine. Fine by me. I don't care. But, like, maybe we have to make sure we wear underwear. You know, like, or, you know, so we have these, like, these rules of society, like maybe, you know, she, they want to choose what they wear.
Maybe you give them some options. So then they have the input in there that they've chosen what they want to wear, but they still have to abide by like, you kind of have to wear underwear and bottoms. Like you can't go out there. You know, Winnie the Pooh style, but they can still choose what to wear. I really liken it to that, where you are the person making the choices within the framework, but we're still meeting the same end goal.
And I think that is so much better for us than just following a super cookie cutter plan because that, I mean, that's just why it's not going to work for us generally, right? Okay, last thing I want to say is I did see this study, it was from 2022, and it was talking about three needs that have to be met for people with ADHD to, like, improve their motivation when they're working towards something.
Number one was autonomy. Like you have to feel like you have a choice. It's so important. Number two was relatedness, like needing to feel connected to others and feel a sense of belonging. That is so important. I, I mean, I could go on and on about that one. But the third one was competence, like feeling like you can master or be successful in the activity.
So all three of those things. I mean, that, that to me is just exactly why it's so important for you to have input and decision capability in whatever it is that you choose to do in order to meet your weight loss goals. So this is the kind of stuff obviously that I do with people when I work with people is we work together to set these goals for you and figure out the way that works with your life.
How are we developing your awareness around how you are operating? What are the choices that you're currently making? How can we improve things like that? And awareness as well around the emotional state that you might be in, and your thought patterns, all of that stuff. There's so many things we could talk about.
But it's all about working together, and not just me telling people what to do, because I know that won't work for them. And I don't want it to work for them, because I don't want people to be dependent on me as a coach. But! I did want to say, especially considering that last thing, talking about the three needs of autonomy, relatedness, and competence, I am finally developing this group program that I have been wanting to do for so long, and I just think, I just, I know part of this is because I wish there had been something like this for me.
But I am developing this group program for people with ADHD, pursuing weight loss. We're going to work on this together. We're going to learn all about my frameworks, and I'm going to work with you to help develop the way for you to be able to reach your goals. And having that community connectedness, the sense of belonging with other people, that is immeasurable.
Like, it is so great and so helpful. And knowing that there are other people. Who feel the way you do sometimes have been experiencing some of the same things as you that is like priceless like to me I just think knowing that like a lot of the things that I went through over the years of trying to Lose weight or find ways to make changes and feeling like I was banging my head against a wall and everybody else saw success And I couldn't make things work all this time Like I didn't know there were other people who felt the same way as me or were experiencing the same things as me and so it's just Like, I just, like, I get so excited thinking about other people who felt like I did to be able to connect with other people and, like, support each other and know that you're not alone in this and just that sort of connectedness is amazing.
And then the mastery too, like the competence part of those three needs, being able to develop the competence to do these things on your own. You know, I'm going to teach you all of that. So anyhow, that is going to be coming up. I don't have exact dates yet, but I did create a wait list. So I'm going to link that in the show notes, or I'm going to have that linked in the show notes.
If you want to get on that wait list and I can just no pressure or no commitment or anything just to get on the list and I can let you know when I have more details on that and when that's all coming together. So anyhow, I hope that this helped. I hope you understand more about why autonomy is so important for us and why you might feel, well, besides not liking to be told what to do, that it might make sense to you why strict, rigid cookie cutter plans have never worked for you in the past.
So I hope you have a great week and I will talk to you next week.
