Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode. I've really got to come up with something better to say, say than that when I start, but I actually I'm rerecording this episode. I had a whole other episode that I recorded kind of talking about discomfort and stuff like that, but I recorded it. I listened back to it and I was like, this isn't it for today.
I really want to talk about self compassion and I think mainly it's because I kind of need a lot of it, a lot of it right now. I need to find a way to like show up more for myself in this way. I don't know, like, so I know you guys can all understand this. We all go through the stages like this, but I'm just kind of in one of those sort of ruts where I'm like, everything feels hard and probably not being very kind to myself.
And Yeah, I just kind of recognized that I've been this way for a little while. So what better time to do a little digging and talk about self compassion because it's so So important. And I think this is a lot of what differentiates the way that we can successfully approach weight loss when we have ADHD, especially compassion and self compassion is just a huge part of it.
So, yeah, so let's talk about that today. What I'm going to cover is, what does it even mean? Like, what even is self compassion? And maybe give some examples of that. Then I'm going to talk about what it is not, because there are a lot of misconceptions about self compassion or sort of preconceived notions about it.
Then I'm going to talk about why it matters in weight loss. And then lastly, we'll talk about why does it matter when you have ADHD. So let's get going. So self compassion. So compassion is, I found, let's, let's go scientific. Let's give you the real definitions. So this is from somebody named Stephen Hickman.
He's a clinical psychologist. And he says, And he says that compassion is defined as the awareness of suffering coupled with a desire to relieve that suffering. And so self compassion is the act of noticing when you're struggling, recognizing that's actually part of being human, and then being kind to yourself rather than beating yourself up.
So when you hear like that, I know for me, I look at that and I'm like, I don't know if I'm doing that all the time. And I, I do recognize how important it is because, like, I think a big key to this is self compassion is treating yourself the way that you would treat other people that you, you know, show compassion to.
So, anyhow, I know, I'm sure a lot of you guys have heard of Kristen Neff. She is, like, the founding mother of self compassion, but she talks about it in terms of, like, there's three elements that have to be present for self compassion, and that's self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Okay?
And self kindness is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It's just being kind to yourself. The common humanity part of it is recognizing that, like, suffering and personal kind of, like, failings or feeling inadequate are part of the shared human experience. Like, we're not the only people that feel this and then the mindfulness part is just being not, like, in a non judgmental state of mind and, like, being aware of and open to different, like, feelings and experiences.
So I want to talk about some different kind of examples of those three parts of the of self compassion. And I know this kind of sounds too like, oh, why are we talking about all this stuff? So like in such detail, but it's really important that we get a good grasp of what it actually means. Because as we'll talk about later, we, a lot of us have, don't have like a really accurate understanding of what it actually means.
And then how can we incorporate it into our lives if we don't really know what, what is at the root of it. So anyways the, and these examples are all from Kristen Neff's book. Oh gosh, I've already forgotten the name of it. You know what? I'm going to find it. I have it. I've read it. And I forgot to write down the name of it.
I'll find it and make sure I put it in the, in the show notes. But okay. So let's talk about what are some examples of self kindness. So here's three examples. It's giving yourself the care you need when you're going through a tough time. Another one is trying to understand and show patience of your own, like, what you see as your own personality flaws.
And another example is being tolerant of your own shortcomings. So those are all examples of self kindness. When you hear that, doesn't that sound like, to me, I, it feels like, ah, like relief to just think of, you know, being that way towards yourself, especially, you know, and again, we'll talk about this later, but as people with ADHD, it's so easy for us to be so hard on ourselves.
So just even thinking about, you know, being patient. You know, and not you know, being so hard on yourself. Yeah. I don't know. It just, to me, I'm already, I already feel like lighter and more relieved just reading those things. Okay. Let's talk about three examples of the common humanity, because I think people get confused about this part.
Like, what does that even mean? And what does other people have to do with being compassionate towards yourself? But so an example, a one example is like, you know, looking at your own shortcomings as just natural aspects of the human condition. So you are not the only person who, who, who feels this way or experiences these things.
Another one is viewing your difficulties as just part of life that everybody goes through, which can be a really, really helpful thought. And then the other, the last example is reminding yourself that others also feel inadequate at times when you feel the same way. because I know for me, especially with, you know a lot of the struggles that I had as an undiagnosed ADHD person with ADHD, my weight loss struggles, all of that stuff, I always felt like I was the only person going through it.
And And I wish I kind of knew that reminding myself that other people feel this way could have been so helpful. So anyhow okay, let's talk about three examples of the mindfulness part of it. So the first one is aiming to keep our feelings in balance when we experience something that's upsetting.
The second one is maintaining perspective when we fail at things that are important to us. That's huge, you guys. And then the third one is adopting our emotions with curiosity and openness when we feel sad. I, I, I mean, I have to go back to it because I love it so much, but maintaining perspective when we fail at things that are important to us, think about that in the perspective of weight loss.
Like when you're, you know, you have slip ups or, you know, you just make choices that you're not like, look back and you think, Oh, I shouldn't have done that or whatever. Like keeping perspective about it, not excusing it, but keeping perspective about it is really important. is just super helpful.
Anyways. Okay. So that, I, I think like that gives you a really good thorough understanding of what self compassion actually entails and what those three really key elements are made up of and what they mean and everything. So I hope at this point, you can kind of, you know, you have this understanding and you can picture it in a way of like what that might mean for you to, you know, Showing yourself some self compassion.
So let's talk about quickly, let's talk about what self compassion is not. Because this, I think so many people have misperception about this. So the first one is that self compassion, that is not complacency. You know, people think, often think like if you're not hard on yourself. Or you don't show yourself like tough love.
I hate the idea of tough love. I just think it's completely ineffective. And yeah. So anyways, people, people often think that if you're not like hard on yourself and stuff, that you're not going to do anything. Think about it from the perspective of the character. The compassion that you show yourself is the same that you show to others, right?
You just, it's supposed to be. So, do you think that, like, tough love is the only thing that works, like, for instance, like, on a colleague or your child or a friend or your partner or whatever? Like, imagine if, like, you know, The only thing that you ever did was like, you're such an idiot. Why did you do that?
Like, imagine talking to your kids like that. Like, no! You would never talk to them like that. I hope you wouldn't talk to them like that. But like, oh, sorry. Just knocking over things around here. But like, tough love. I don't know. I just, I, I hate that term and I, I just think it's completely ineffective, but like that self compassion is not like just being complacent and letting everything slide and, and like, you know, just, you know.
Like, just, I don't care. I'm just gonna do whatever I want. Like, I think a lot of people think that self compassion means that you just, like, it's okay. You don't have to try. You don't have to do anything. You can just eat whatever you want. You can just, like, lay on the couch and watch Netflix all day.
That's not what we're talking about here. And so that's a big misconception. Anyways self compassion is not self pity. It's not feeling, you know, feeling sorry for yourself. I think a lot of people think that. Self compassion is not selfish. And self compassion is not just like ignoring the hard stuff or bad stuff and just thinking everything is fine.
Like, that's not what self compassion means. It's actually, it's kind of funny because in fact you're like way more likely you know, to actually acknowledge and look at things that are hard when you're practicing self compassion and, and, and developing ways to sort of weather the tougher things in life when you are compassionate with yourself as opposed to that tough love.
So yeah, so self compassion is not just ignoring and looking at life through rose coloured glasses. That's not what it is. And yeah, it's not a free for all, like I said before. It's just not like, I just don't have to care about anything. And I'm just going to like, you know, go through life eating and doing and whatever that I want without repercussions.
That's, that is not self compassion. So anyhow, let's talk about why it matters in weight loss. So you talked about before how, you know, self compassion is kindness is, is a big part of it. And so those, those three parts, the self kindness, the common humanity, and then the mindfulness, especially when it comes to the mindfulness.
So practicing self compassion increases your mindfulness. And this is why mindfulness is a big part of what I do, my whole calm method. But when you increase your mindfulness, it makes you more aware of your actions, your feelings, your thoughts, and that type of thing. All of those aspects of things, and when you are aware of those things, that's when change can happen.
So, if you know what you're thinking, if you know what you're feeling, and then you can kind of see why you're thinking that, why you're feeling that, or even just knowing that it's there that, having awareness about it is, is the only way to bring about change. So, if we're increasing our mindfulness, we're increasing our awareness and knowledge of ourselves.
And what we're thinking and doing and feeling, that's how we can make meaningful change and lasting change, sustainable change in our lives. So this is huge in terms of giving yourself an opportunity to make the change in your life that's going to lead to what you want in terms of weight loss. It also changes your perception of yourself.
And so if you look at yourself through a different lens. That also includes how you're looking at your body, right? Your mind, your body, who you are, just, just your whole self. And that can lead you to almost like instinctively want to care for yourself more. And then you're caring for your body better in a better, more sort of nurturing way.
And so it really is a path to sort of self care. Like, and self love I guess you could say, but we just almost without even realizing it when we're practicing self compassion more easily just want to care for ourselves because we, we, we tend to show ourselves to others. And then there's a little bit more love which can lead to making better choices in the foods that you're eating and giving yourself rest that you need and maybe choosing to move your body because you know it feels good.
It just really does move you in the right direction with all of the things that are helping you towards better health because you just care for yourself with this new sort of perception of yourself. Another thing, as it relates to weight loss, is I did see this study that, had been done. Oh gosh, I wish I remembered where it was.
But anyways, it was this study on whether self compassion helps people trying to lose weight to become more resilient when they have sort of setbacks. Like if they go overeat when they didn't intend to or that type of stuff. So it was studying whether self compassion can help in those situations.
And the researchers found that when study participants had more self compassionate responses to their lapses, they reported better mood and self control over their eating and exercise behavior in the hours afterwards. And the findings suggested that self compassion can help people engage in healthier weight loss behavior by helping them become less demoralized by the setbacks, which To me, I thought this is huge because that is the moment, like, when we are so hard on ourselves after we've done something that maybe we didn't intend to or isn't aligned with our goals or whatever.
When we give, like, give ourselves that beat down because of it and we're so critical and hard on ourselves and we think what's the point now? I can't do anything. I'm a failure. That demoralized sort of feeling. can really just be like the end point for a lot of people in their attempts. So if this practicing self compassion helps you to be more resilient with that, that can have a massive impact on your weight loss goals.
Charlotte Hagerman, she's one of the people that participated in that she was one of the researchers in that study. And she said that sorry, I lost my quote. Oh, she was saying, we live in a food environment that has set everyone up to fail. Practicing self compassion rather than self criticism is a key strategy for fostering resilience during the difficult process of weight loss.
The next time you feel the urge to criticize yourself for your eating behavior, instead try speaking to yourself with the kindness that you would speak to a friend or loved one. A hundred percent. Such an important thing to just show ourselves. like the same level of kindness that we would provide to other people.
I, oh dang it, where is it? There's, oh shoot, I gotta find my other notes because I am obsessed with this book that I'm currently reading and, oh, where are my notes? Pause. Where did it go?
Nope, that's my notes from last week. You guys should see this. It's not there. Oh,
I want to Read this quote. Okay, I'm gonna go find this. Pause.
Okay, I'm back. So I have been reading this book that I am obsessed with that I said. I don't want to say that lightly. This book is amazing. It's called The Last Diet by Shirou Izadi and she is a behavior change specialist. She works with people with addictions. That's what she worked with originally, but I don't think she still does.
But she she's like a, she works in psychology. She said she doesn't call herself a psychologist because she doesn't have a doctorate. But, she also has lost 120 pounds, I believe. Anyways, she really, the cornerstone of what she focuses on is kindness to yourself. Like that is the key to her whole thing.
Like, and she says in this book, I'm holding the book in my hands right now and you should see it. It's like dog eared and highlighted everywhere. But anyways, she says As I've seen so many times through my work and personal experience, it is those who struggle to be kind to themselves who have the hardest time when they try to make lasting, meaningful changes to their eating habits.
So anyways, it's no joke. This self kindness really does make a difference when it comes to our weight loss because like, So setbacks, you know, making choices you didn't like, feeling like you're like falling off dealing with difficult things in life, like all of these things that impact our attempts at weight loss these things are all going to happen, right?
And we have to find a way to be able to like weather this and deal with it and not just think, well, I screwed up and it's over. And when we are practicing self compassion, this is something that helps us to like humanize the experience and, you know, realize that these things happen and that we can become resilient from it.
So then you're able to deal with it and keep moving and, and understand why things happen and how it affected you and how do you go move on from there rather than just throwing in the towel. And criticizing yourself, anyhow, but also go read that book, Shuru Izadi, The Lost Diet. It's amazing. Okay. I think I've, I've kind of stressed enough why self compassion matters so much in weight loss, but let, why does this matter as somebody with ADHD?
Even especially, and especially as it relates to weight loss in general. And I think, you know, we often easily feel compassionate for other people. But I think people with ADHD, it's sort of hard for us to feel that way towards ourselves. We are naturally very hard on ourselves. And I think sometimes that can be just from our experiences growing up, feeling misunderstood, people thinking and you know, like having their own interpretation of what our intentions are.
Like And yeah, like maybe just children that, like, people whose ADHD may be presented as them being more hyperactive or more loud or whatever, that have spent a lifetime being told to like, be quiet, just stop this, stop that, that have been criticized more than other children may have been I think it's a lot harder to naturally feel compassionate towards yourself when you're so used to this other sort of treatment.
But it. It really matters, because it, it We almost have to be a little bit more intentional with it, but it is very, very important, because it can also help you to feel a lot more peaceful inside and less chaotic, because I know we, we often experience this, this kind of, like, chaotic feeling a lot inside.
Like, I know for me, that's I have combined ADHD and my sort of the hyperactive side of things is very internal, like it's a lot of chaos and overwhelm on the inside. And self compassion really helps to sort of dampen that and create a little bit more of a peaceful landscape on the inside. I don't know how else to describe it.
But it also helps with regulating your emotions, which can be a really important part of it for us with ADHD. And It helps you to let go of perfectionism, which can be, it's, it is such a stumbling block for us as people with ADHD, but also when it comes to weight loss, like, nothing is going to hold you back like perfectionism does because it perfectionism is completely unattainable.
So it's just a, it's just a way to set yourself up to fail. So if we can, by practicing self compassion you know, more easily let go of perfectionism, that is really going to help us on our way. Yeah, and, and, and we do just kind of have, we're so hard on ourselves. I know I already said this, but there's just this inner criticism that we kind of dole out to ourselves.
Self compassion can really help to slowly reduce that. It's basically like a way to make change and sort of improve ourselves, which involves like making mistakes and stumbling blocks and stuff like that are just a part of life. Right? But if we can find a way to, rather than just like beat ourselves up and be so mad at ourselves anytime we make a mistake or, or something like that, if we're practicing self compassion, rather than just treating that ourselves that way and being super critical of ourselves, It kind of helps us to instead sort of take responsibility and become curious and more understand why things go the way that they do and learn from it and then keep moving on rather than just getting mad at ourselves and then giving up and thinking we're stupid.
Yeah. And, and, and the last thing I want to point out when it turns, when it comes to, you know, when you have ADHD with this self compassion, really not just for people with ADHD. I think this is the case for a lot of people, but it's okay that it feels like really weird and unnatural at first. I remember the first time I heard Kristen Neff on a podcast, I think it was on like the 10 percent Happier podcast.
And the way she talks about it, I'm like, I would never talk to myself that way. It just felt so weird, but she's so immersed in it that it's like normal to her, you know, like she's calling herself sweetie and stuff like that and very soothing to herself. But I, it just sounded so weird and unnatural to me that I was like, I cannot do that.
But really finding the way that works for you. I'm just slowly incorporating it and just being authentically you is, is, is a good way to go about it. Like, don't think you have to do it the way that, you know, maybe you hear other people talk about it or the way that you read about it of like talking to yourself, like, hey sweetie, everything is going to be okay and giving yourself hugs.
Like if that seems weird, or what was the guy on SNL? Who talked to himself in the mirror. Anyways, you do it the way that makes sense to you. And it's okay that it feels like a little bit strange at first. You know, but just, I don't know, just, just, just practice it a little bit and, and it doesn't even have to be or look a certain way.
It could even just be a pause. You know, if you catch yourself in a moment of self criticism or, you know, perfectionism or just like you make a mistake on something and you're just like, Oh, why did I do that? Or you, you, you, yeah, if you happen to, this can be a great starting point, just finding those moments and just.
Find a way to insert a little pause before you have a thought or even noticing like, Oh, you know what? Like I was just about to get mad at myself and now I'm not going to. It seems so little, but that can be a huge turning point of just like moving yourself in the right direction of showing yourself some compassion and it can really end up going a long way.
So anyhow, I really needed to hear that and think about that today because it's, it's easy to get off track with that. And I am going to try to show myself a little bit more compassion today. Because it does, I know it goes a long way, and I really hope you guys can start to incorporate some of that into your life as well.
So that's all I have for you today. I hope you have a great week, and I will talk to you next week.
