The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #27 - What I learnt from stopping

• Nicky Bevan

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Disconnecting from the outside world for two and a half weeks seemed daunting at first, leaving me agitated and craving the quick hits of dopamine that social media offers. However, this period of disconnection revealed deeper insights into the self-imposed pressures and feelings of inadequacy that many working women and mums deal with. 

By embracing simplicity and natural pleasures, I began to challenge these thoughts and found that they were not true. Through this journey, I learned the importance of extending the same compassion and encouragement to ourselves that we offer to friends in similar situations.

During this episode, you'll discover that the journey to self-empowerment starts from within. I discuss how taking proactive steps sets a positive example for our children, demonstrating that they too have choices in life.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @TheWorkingMumsCoach

Nicky:

hello, hello. So if you've been following my podcast or on social medias, you will know that I am back from about a two and a half week holiday, completely switched off. It was delicious. It was delicious After the first couple of days. So I had pre-recorded or pre-created and scheduled content for my socials, for my podcast, and that enabled me to go switch. My mobile phone actually went flat and I allowed it to stay flat. I didn't even use it for my camera, I just used my husband's and so I had zero input from the outside world.

Nicky:

And it was really interesting because for the first couple of days I felt quite agitated, didn't really know what to do with myself. And when all that kind of calms down, you start and then you, what actually is happening is you're not getting any dopamine hits, like when we go onto social media and when we connect, um, you know, in the virtual world, we get dopamine hits and what happens when you stop? That is nothing feels good for a while and then, or a little bit, and then when you, when you, when you get past those few hours or days, you start to get the true dopamine hits coming in. So the connection from another person watching the leaves dancing in the breeze and seeing the beautiful green tree against the gorgeous blue sky, against the gorgeous blue sky. And what's fascinating is that when you quieten down all the external noise, you're left with you, and I think for most of us, this is why we stay busy, because we don't then actually like what we hear in our head, we don't actually like being with ourselves, so we're constantly busy and rushing to avoid us. And there's a fundamental flaw in that, because wherever you are, wherever you go, there you are. So you can't actually ever avoid that voice. You can't ever avoid your emotions, because they're always coming along with you. So it was a really fascinating experience to go through this consciously and be really aware of that dialogue that I have going on in my head, and I'm going to yes, especially if you're a woman, a working woman, a working mum listening to this that you're going to have a very similar dialogue, because it comes from generations of conditioning. It's come from how women and the role of women have been perceived in the society until this moment in time.

Nicky:

So for me, the dialogue sounded a little bit like this. Not a little bit. It sounded like this. First of all, it was I should be doing something. I can't sit still, there's definitely something to be doing. And that doing.

Nicky:

When I looked at that, I was like what do you think I to be doing? And that doing? When I looked at that, I was like what do you think I should be doing? And I was like, well, I should be cooking, I should be tidying, I should be cleaning, I should be, you know, entertaining. It was kind of like this underlying belief that I should be doing something. And then that kind of ease and I was like, well, that's not true. I'm very deliberately on holiday, very deliberately wanting to do nothing, so let's just have compassion for that thought and let that go, because that's not helping me.

Nicky:

And then, underneath that was a more underlying unrest around my business and around my capability as a coach and around my capability as a, as a sole opener and starting or haven't started my business. I've been in my business for a while but growing my business and maintaining a profit in my business, and that dialogue sounded like I'm not capable enough, I'm not worthy enough, I'm not, I can't, I can't do it. It all came to I can't do it and it was I'm not clever enough, so I can't do it. I'm not good enough, so I can't do it. I'm not, you know, you, you, you will have a similar dialogue in your mind for your life, in however that looks, and that doesn't have to be a problem. So I've really spent the last couple of weeks hearing my that voice in my head and just being really fascinated by it, really fascinated by it, because it's not actually true. It's not true for me and it is not true for you either. And the reason I know this is when you look out into the world, there are women, there are working women, there are working mums that have created businesses, that are self-employed and are very successful in their businesses.

Nicky:

And here's, here's what and this is the way that I kind of rationalize it if your friend came up to you and your friend said to you oh my gosh. So imagine a friend of mine comes up to me that, oh my god, nikki, I just I can't do it. I'm not, I'm not good enough, I can't do it, definitely not clever enough, so I can't do it. Um, you know, I'm just, I'm just not good enough. I can't do it, definitely not clever enough, so I can't do it. You know, I'm just, I'm just not good enough. Nikki, I just, I just feel really worthless.

Nicky:

What would you say to her If that was your best friend? You would be like what the fuck are you talking about? Don't talk to yourself like that. That is just not true. You wouldn't believe that. If your friend was telling it to herself and then speaking it out loud to you, you would not believe what your friend's brain was telling her, would you? You'd be like no, that's, it's, that's ridiculous.

Nicky:

Look at all these amazing things you do. Look at all the brilliant things you do for your kids. Look at how amazing you are like if this is a work colleague. Look at all the brilliant things you do for your kids. Look at how amazing you are Like if this is a work colleague. Look at all the brilliant things you do at work. I think you're amazing.

Nicky:

So that voice in your head can't be true. You wouldn't believe your friend's voice. So why do you believe your voice in your head If your friend's voice is lying to her? Your voice is lying to her and is lying to her, and that voice has been created by conditioning by this, like by um, not system beliefs, by societal beliefs, by someone saying at some point this is what a woman should do. And look, this isn't just a problem for women. This is men as well. Like men, I feel really sorry for men in today's society, because it's it is changing, but men are seen as this knight in shining armor, as this hero that's going to come and save us, as the person that provides. That's a huge amount of pressure on a human that has human emotions, that feels fear, that feels self-doubt, that feel fear, that feels you know that is isn't able to allow themselves to experience love because that's a weak, a sign of weakness, or that's something a woman does. So I think all of our societal programming is having a negative impact on us. And listen, if you want to be the society's view of what has been the view of a woman, as in she stays at home and looks after the home and the children, if that is what you want, that's amazing. Embrace it, go with it and don't shame it. But if that's not what you want, then you do have a choice to stop believing that conditioning that we've been offered.

Nicky:

The other thing that I find really fascinating is actually then coming back home and getting this is my first working day back, and this morning, oh my gosh, did I feel nervous? I felt nervous, I felt full of self-doubt. I kind of bundle it all up to this feeling of dread because my voice is going or part of my brain is believing I can't do it, I can't do it. It's that simple. I can't do it, we can't do it, nikki, I can't do it. And then what was happening is it was saying to me oh, let's just go and get a job, let's just not worry about like build our own business, let's just go and get a job, let's just not worry about like build our own business, let's just go and get a job. And I had to remind myself that. Do you remember?

Nicky:

You always have had the holiday blues, regardless of your job or going into an office or who you're working for at the time. This has always been the case when you've been going back to work. It is after it, after an excited, beautiful, amazing couple of weeks with my family. I always have a lull, and I think we all do. Life is 50 50 right. You can't have one without the other. So I had to remind myself that actually, nikki, you wouldn't want to go back and work for someone else. Um, so I did find that quite funny. But the most amazing thing happened after that is I said to, I said to my boys um, my boys are the biggest reason why I do this work really. Yes, it helps me, but it also fundamentally helps them and that's one of my biggest drivers, and I was talking to them this morning.

Nicky:

Because you don't see other people's nervousness. You don't see anybody's anything actually, unless they act from it any emotion. We don't see it. We only see how they behave from it. So if you're feeling nervous, no one's going to know that unless you're allowing the nervousness to drive your action, so you're allowing it to like your hands to flap and talk really quickly and stutter and all the rest of things which is kind of good to know. Actually, people don't know how you're feeling unless you express it positively and negatively, by the way.

Nicky:

So I said to my boys this one I was like oh my gosh. I said I feel so nervous. I said I'm full of self-doubt and I just feel dread going back into my job, even though I love it, like I love what I do, I love the impact that what I do has on people and I'm never actually going to stop, even though part of my brain wants to hide in the cave. That's just not going to happen. But my 13-year-old son said to me oh mom, do you need a hug? I mean, how amazing is that at 13? He was like oh mom, do you need a hug? And I was like, yeah, I need a hug. And so I hugged him he or he hugged me, and it was lovely.

Nicky:

And then I said to him the thing is blue when you're growing and when you're stepping out of your comfort zone and you know, when you're putting yourself out there or doing something new or scared, what your brain perceives is scary, you're gonna have self-doubt. You know nervousness is coming along for the journey. And I said you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. And then he said something amazing. He said to me do you know what, mum? You'll be able to teach me all about it when my time comes.

Nicky:

I was speechless for just a second. I was just like oh my gosh, at 13, not only does he know that a hug feels amazing, he also is already thinking and being drip fed this information about what it's like to be in the world and to feel nervous. And he's learning because I'm going through it and I'm willing to go through it and I'm not going to let my emotions stop me. He is learning that this is a normal process, and so I really want to offer this insight to you, especially if you have children even if they're not your children if they're, you know, nieces and nephews or your neighbor's children what is your experience? Able to teach them? And if you could take your daughter, or if you could take your son and you could teach them anything, what would you want them to know?

Nicky:

And for me, it's this they have a choice. If they want to be a stay-at-home dad, they can be a stay-at-home dad. If they want to go out and make millions of pounds, they can go out and make millions of pounds. If they, it's okay. So the millions of pounds. If they, it's okay.

Nicky:

So the second thing. So it's a choice. The second thing is I want them to know that their emotions, their emotions, are not a problem, positively and negatively. I want them to know that feeling nervous, feeling anxious, feeling dread, feeling self-doubt is perfectly normal. We all experience it, so why do we pretend we don't? And I want them to be able to express love. I want them to know that choosing love is the most powerful choice that every single human has, regardless of their gender.

Nicky:

So, if you're listening to this podcast or you're watching me on YouTube, consider this for yourself. What do you, what kind of adult do you want your child to be? Because it starts with you. It starts with you being willing to do the work to learn how to manage your mind and manage your emotions and therefore then have an influence on your children or the children around you, even if they're not biologically yours. So just consider that for a second, because this is why I do what I do. It starts with me and it also starts with you.

Nicky:

And listen, I am here if you need help and support through that journey, because I don't know anyone, or I don't know many people who are able to overcome self-doubt on their own. I can't do it. I go to my coach. I'm incredibly fortunate that my husband is a life coach, although quite often I don't actually want to hear his advice. Um, because he's my husband and you know sometimes it's hard to hear it when you're not ready. Come and speak to me. Let's have a conversation about how I can help you, and it might be that you need counselling. It might be that you need therapy first. It might be hypnotherapy is going to be an easier transition, who knows? But you have a choice and if you want your children to know that you have a choice and if you want your children to know that they have a choice, it does start with you. It always starts with you. Have the most amazing week and I'll speak to you all again next week.