The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #29 - Dealing with Teens to Toddlers

• Nicky Bevan

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Ever wondered why your teen or toddler just won't listen? I'm sharing my proven technique to deal with the sometime, persistent questioning, arguing or not listening. 

In this episode, I'm talking about brain development in children and teenagers, explaining why they sometimes struggle to control their emotions and actions. By understanding these developmental stages, you can shift your perspective and expectations, leading to less frustration and more of a calm interaction with your children. 

Join me as I talk about my ABC method—Awareness, Breathing, and Choosing—a practical strategy to help manage your reactions during challenging moments. Learn how to meet your child's frustrations with calmness and set loving boundaries that influence respect and understanding. 

Through real-life examples I emphasize the importance the need to keep your love and patience at the forefront of your interactions. Whether you're a parent, teacher, or caregiver, this episode offers valuable tools and perspectives to create a more peaceful and positive environment for both you and the children in your life.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @TheWorkingMumsCoach

Nicky:

Hello, hello, and a very warm welcome to this week's podcast. I want to talk to you about children, the joyous, gorgeous children that we have in our lives. Now. This may not be your biological children, they may not be your adopted children. Children, they may just be children that you have in your life. If you're not actually a mum, it might be just children that you experience. So, and even if you don't have kids list, just just listen, because you could apply this to any relationship in your life.

Nicky:

Actually, I coach a number of mums around their children's behaviour, from teenagers all the way down to toddlers, and we have an expectation on how our children should behave. I agree, as parents or as a mum, it is my job to teach my children how to behave, to teach them manners, to teach them respect, to teach them, you know, social behaviours. I'm not saying every parent has to. I'm just saying that's what I choose to do and if you agree with me, brilliant, this is going to help you. The only problem with having that expectation is that quite often, children and teenagers do not actually behave the way that we would expect them to behave as an example. Maybe they question you, maybe they challenge you, maybe they push that boundary to see what they can get rid of, to see what they can get away with, and then what tends to happen is that we get frustrated or we get angry or we get irritable at them, and then we shout and we argue and then, because of that the way that we behave, we then become the child, we become the teenager or we become the toddler, which is fascinating, and you will be able to notice this with maybe your partner, with other of your friends that are parents. Just with fascination, no judgment, no criticism. Just observe when an adult is dealing with a child, unless they've maybe had life coaching, especially if they've had life coaching with me if they're not conscious and in control of their mind and their emotional management. Just watch how they become the child. It's fascinating, and just observe this within yourself as well. That's not a problem. It's not a problem at all and it's certainly not a judgment or criticism on my part. And I go there too, like when my boys respond in a way that I don't think is appropriate. If I don't check myself, I become the teenager. So my boys are 13 and 14. I then become the teenager because I match what they're doing Now.

Nicky:

Children do not have the ability to rationalize. The ability to rationalize, children do not have the ability yet to control their emotions. That part of their brain isn't developed. That's the higher part of their brain, their prefrontal cortex, and that starts to develop around the age of 11 and can take up to 25, which is why those teenage years are so interesting. Right, because one minute they're really rational and very um, you know, lovely and very adult, and the next minute they're back down to being a toddler and tantrums and and and all of that irrational and you can't get through to them. That's's because during that age their brain is developing. So there are times with teenagers they cannot control their emotions and there are certainly most of the time with like the under 11 or under 12 year olds where they cannot control or change their emotions. They just don't have the brain power to do it.

Nicky:

But just because they can't doesn't mean to say you can't. I'm just going to say this again Just because your toddler or your teenager can't control their behavior doesn't mean to say you can't control yours. Because what happens when we as the adult fall, or the parent fall, into our emotional childhood state, then we become really helpless. We feel helpless, we feel like the victim and that just feels shit, doesn't it? It's a really shit place to be. And then we try and change the child, we try and control the child and have you noticed this doesn't actually work. There is no human, we don't actually have control over other humans. We can influence, but I would always suggest influencing by example. So if you want your child to be rational, calm, you have to be rational and you have to be calm, because when you're in your emotional adult state and you can evolve to that and really by evolve I mean choose that's when you're powerful, that's when you're focused on you, which is the only person in any relationship and any situation that you have control over.

Nicky:

I'm sorry to say it, I really wish I could make a fucking tablet or a little like a little magic wand that would sprinkle over the teenagers and over the toddlers and all the children in between, so that they behaved and they did exactly what we wanted them to do when we wanted them to do it in the way that we wanted them to do it. That is not how the world works, I am so sorry to tell you. It is not how the world works, especially when you're trying to enforce something that they don't want to do, especially when I'm just thinking of an example um, I don't know, you go into a shop or you go into a restaurant and they're like so at the moment I'm having a sugar-free week with my children. We've been on a holiday, they've been having lots of sugar, family have been around, there's been lots of sugar involved. So I'm like right, no sugar for a week. Let's give our bodies a rest from the poison. Are they going to ask me for it? Of course they are. Are they going to ask for it repeatedly? Of course they are, especially if in the past I've said no and then gone back and said yes.

Nicky:

I remember this as a child with my mum. I knew that if I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed, at some point she may just cave in and say yes, because sometimes she did so. I knew that if I kept going, I might just get what I wanted. That's what children do, and actually in our adult lives we can sometimes learn from that. You know, children don't give up very easily, and yet as adults, if there's something we want, we give up really easily. So maybe we could learn from children actually just to keep going and keep going, and keep going.

Nicky:

So the problem the child or the teenager isn't the problem. How they're behaving is exactly, in that moment, how they should be behaving. What's causing you pain is you thinking that's what they shouldn't. They shouldn't be doing that. So your expectation on how they behave is what's causing you pain. That's brilliant, because you can change your expectation at a point when you can't change the child or the teenager. I think this is the best news ever. Please don't use this as a bit of a kick in the teeth.

Nicky:

If you're struggling with your child, whatever age, and you're getting frustrated and annoyed and agitated and that's having you huff and puff and already meet with aggression when they've only asked one question, don't use this awareness as a reason to beat yourself up further. It is not. It is the most perfect opportunity to practice my ABC method, right? So the first step in all of this is just to become aware. A become aware and acknowledge how you're feeling, what you're thinking and how you're behaving in that moment, without judgment, without criticism, just pure fascination. And then breathe, and what this does is it just calms the nervous system down and when your nervous system is calm. You're able to access your higher brain, your wisdom. You're able to choose which is C. Choose who do I want to be as their mum.

Nicky:

Choose what behaviour you want your child to witness. Do you want them witnessing you getting annoyed at them? Because they're not going to see you getting annoyed at the situation. They're going to take it that you're annoyed at them when, the truth, be known, is God forbid, they didn't come home tomorrow. You would give anything, you would give absolutely anything, for them to be in front of you, challenging, questioning, shouting. You would give anything to have that moment back. So choose to redirect your brain and when you first start practicing this, you're gonna be shit at it. Don't think you're gonna be able to do this amazingly.

Nicky:

But the more you look back at an event and go, oh, I did it again. Look at you, know, I was thinking she shouldn't be asking, or he shouldn't be questioning, or they shouldn't, or you know. So when I thought that, of course, I felt frustrated and annoyed. That's on me. Did I show up how I wanted to show up?

Nicky:

So this work is not about feeling annoyed or frustrated. It's about into, like acknowledging that, owning it, interrupting yourself and changing your behavior. That's the bit that you get to control, not the teenager, not the toddler. So here's how I deal with this, at times when I'm really frustrated. And I got to tell you I have practiced this a lot and I'm still not perfect at it. The goal is not to be perfect. You cannot be perfect all of the time. You're human. Drop that expectation for yourself straight away. I would also invite you to drop the expectation on your child, because they're a child. They're going to question, they're going to push, they're going to argue. That is what children do. They are learning. So give them the grace to learn, but you don't have to become the child. So this is what I do.

Nicky:

I acknowledge that I'm starting to get frustrated because I'm thinking they shouldn't be asking. I acknowledge that I'm starting to get frustrated because I'm thinking they shouldn't be asking. So I own that frustration. I take a deep breath and here's how I respond. I say this out loud to them it's because I love you, I am no longer going to respond to your question. Or it's because I love you that I've said no and, if you can, you can continue to ask, but I'm no longer continuing to answer. And then every time you ask. You just don't answer Every time they ask. They will learn like our children are not stupid, they are very clever. They will learn like our children are not stupid, they are very clever. They will learn very quickly.

Nicky:

If you're controlling yourself and you say what you mean, especially in a very sort of calm tone, even if you're feeling frustrated inside, you can still say it with a very calm tone. I would. And the reason why I say I it's because I love you is that not only is that nice for them to hear, but it just reminds me, even when I'm angry, even when I'm frustrated, even when I'm really annoyed. It just reminds me that, should the worst case happen, I would give anything for this moment. I would give anything for them to be in front of me. So it's because I love you is actually more of a reminder for me than it is for them. So if my boys are asking for a sugary drink when we're having a sugar-free week, I'm like take a deep breath. It's because I love you that we're not having sugar. Of course, you can ask me a hundred times, it's going to be no. Ask me a hundred times, it's going to be no. End of it.

Nicky:

You don't have to engage in their drama. You don't have to become the child. You don't have to become the teenager. You don't get to control your children, but you do get to control you. That's when you're powerful. But it takes practice, it takes compassion towards yourself and it takes a willingness to drop the expectation on how you think your children should behave.

Nicky:

Now. It might also look like a consequence after. So it's because I love you that now you have to go and sit in your room. Or it's because I love you that now you have to go and sit in your room. Or it's because I love you that now I'm going to take your phone off you for a week. Or it's because I love you that dot dot, dot. Whatever the situation, but meeting a child, like a child's frustration with an adult's frustration, then you're just arguing and it takes two to argue. Your child can't change, but you can learn how to, and if you need any help with that, this is what I do. I help people to manage their minds and manage their emotions. So if any of this work resonates with you, get in touch with me. Let's have a chat, have the most amazing week and I'll see you all next week. Bye.