Ep# 32 - Finding Balance with Kids' Screen Time

Imagine finding a balanced approach to managing your child's screen time without resorting to extreme measures. Join me as I share my personal journey as both a parent and a coach, grappling with the reality of social media and gaming in our children's lives. We'll uncover how to shift from an all-or-nothing mindset to a more balanced perspective that honors both your family's values and your child's needs. Learn how to engage your kids in meaningful conversations about technology and establish boundaries that work for everyone.

During our chat, you'll hear about the unexpected positives of social media and online gaming, especially during challenging times like lockdowns. We’ll discuss practical strategies for setting reasonable limits, involving your children in decision-making, and finding that elusive middle ground. Whether you're struggling with these issues or just curious, this episode is packed with insights and actionable advice to help you create a harmonious digital environment for your family.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

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Transcript

Nicky: 1:07

Hello and welcome to this week's episode where I am going to talk all about social media. I think you could probably put screens in general under this, but specifically social media. Now, I am not a social media expert. I am certainly not a parenting expert, so it is not my job to tell you how to parent your children. This is not my goal. But it is 100% my intention to give you perhaps another way of looking at it, so that you then get to decide what is right for you, what is right for your family and what is right for your children, and what is right for me and mine might necessarily be right for you and yours. So I truly, truly believe that you have the knowledge in you to know what's right for you and your family. So please, when your brain tells you if your brain tells you I don't know what that is please don't listen to your brain when it tells you that, because it's not true and there is not a right or wrong way here. So I will just share my point of view, how I see it as a parent and how I see it as a coach. Take what you like, leave what you don't, but hopefully it'll kind of help you because the fact is, whether you like it or not, social media is in our world phones, screens, gaming is part of our children's reality. Truly, I'm quite grateful that it wasn't part of my reality growing up, but we can't I mean, you can spend time comparing your experience versus their experience, but it's pretty pointless because, the fact is, social media mobile phones, screens and gaming is part of our child's life, and there are some incredibly positives. Hear me out just for a second. I was so grateful during lockdown that my children were able to still, on some level, socialize and play with their friends. That looked like online gaming whilst talking to their friends on the phone. There were times over the current, the recent summer holidays, where I really appreciated them being able to have that interaction, and they love it. They do so.

Nicky: 3:56

I think what I'm mostly talking about here is like the, the social media element of communicating with, like our children communicating with their friends, and I personally uh, my boys are not on snapchat as far as I know. Obviously, there may be raids around it, but we we haven't allowed them to have snapchat. They're not on Facebook, instagram. They literally have text and WhatsApp. Now, I think what's really fascinating is how, as parents, we try and go to an all or nothing approach. And actually this isn't just as parents. This actually happens in all areas of our life, right, as humans we go to. It's going to either be really bad or it's really good. Or I have to stay in this job or I have to leave this job, and it's the same.

Nicky: 4:58

I think with screens and the social media, it's like they're either on it all of the time or they're we're going to ban it and they're not going to have it at all ever, and there are times for that. So I we were on holiday for about two and a half weeks over the summer. We went away, I chose to be completely off my phone for the whole of it and I didn't buy roaming for my boys, so they didn't really have a choice, but it was a screens off holiday and my boys were involved in that decision and I do really strongly believe that our children do have an opinion. Whether we like their opinion obviously is maybe up for questions, but they do have an opinion. So I really do believe when you've got them on board and they understand our reasons, why we choose to do things, if they can understand that, then it's going to be easier for everybody. But I don't think it's necessarily fair to go to the all or nothing in any scenario.

Nicky: 6:15

What I would offer, as a coach, to consider is the middle ground. So is there a time when you're willing for your child to be on their screens? Is there a platform that you're willing to let them have, with boundaries? Is there like? What would that middle ground look like for you and what is right for your family? I don't know what that is, but you do so, just having that awareness that the brain, the human brain, wants to go to all or nothing thinking. But what could that middle ground look like if you were to explore it? What could that look like?

Nicky: 7:02

Because, whether we like it or not, the reality is that our children have got social media and phones to contend with. This is part of their reality. We could argue all day long that it shouldn't be, but we're arguing with reality and we will lose every single time. Do I wish that wasn't the case? Absolutely, I really do. But is it? It is. This is part of their life, this is part of their growing up. This is part of them having to learn stranger danger, just like we did with people in person and having conversations around how they want to navigate it.

Nicky: 7:50

Setting boundaries that both of you can come to an agreement with, putting boundaries in place that you're comfortable with and that they're comfortable with, will create, I believe, a more harmonious life, because I believe that in all situations is there a time when I have to override that as a parent 100%? Is there a time when I'm going to have to be the bad person 100%? For example, I try, where possible, to get them off of their screens any sort of screen within an hour before bedtime. It I don't always get that, but that's what I try and encourage as a as a whole family, and it's really worth looking at your behavior around social media and your behavior around the phones and your behavior around how, how often, you're on the phone. Not from a place of judgment. This is not a shaming, judging, criticizing exercise. This is a pure fascination exercise and a beautiful opportunity to look at it and go right.

Nicky: 9:09

What do I want to put in place? What do I want to teach my children and can I? Is there an element of leading by example here? So, for example, personally I try not to pick up my phone for the first hour of the day. My brain wants to, but I don't. And when I do pick it up, it's generally to look at the weather. I don't expose myself to any social media until later on in the day, and then for me personally it's at dedicated times and I have a dedicated amount of time and then I switch off from it again. I find that's easy for me, but our children won't be able to do that because they don't have the ability to regulate quite yet. So there is an element of us being in charge here, making decisions for them, but I believe it's making decisions with them rather than for them.

Nicky: 10:01

And look, you may make a decision and it doesn't have the desired outcome that you want. You don't necessarily then have to beat yourself up and create a whole load of mum guilt around that. You can just learn from it and be willing to remake that decision. So one thing that we've done in our house is we've made a screens agreement. We need to remake that screens agreement, but we've got points on there that we have all agreed to and all signed to follow. Obviously, I still have to police that, and my husband has to police that, because gaming is made to be addictive. Social media is made to be addictive, but isn't it so much more powerful to teach your child and lead by example, rather than just banning it completely and them having no exposure? You get, you get to. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but you get to explore it.

Nicky: 11:04

And if you've done it a certain way and it hasn't given you quite the desired outcome that you wanted, then revisit that decision, and you can do this with all the decisions in your life as well. You can re-decide, and it doesn't have to be from all or nothing thinking. There is this beautiful middle ground, this place of balance, this place of learning and leading by example. Because just consider this for a moment If you're telling your child to be off a screen, off a screen, off a screen, and then you're doing that whilst you're on your phone, that whilst you're on your phone, that would piss me off. If a boss said to me hey, get off LinkedIn, and there they are scrolling on LinkedIn, I'm going to be like hang on a minute, I've got something to say about that. Your child's going to be the same. But, like I said, I am not telling you what to do at all. There is no right or wrong, but just consider for a second what the middle ground would be. Just consider if your child is old enough to have some sort of conversation with you. Have that conversation with them. Tell them why, your reasons why you're doing the things that you're doing, and be willing to do that with them.

Nicky: 12:22

What you do have a choice about is how you then relate to you. Should you not get the desired outcome that you wanted? That relationship with yourself comes into it and how kind you are to yourself. Should you make a decision that didn't quite go as planned and look? If you want to talk about this further, send me a message because I would love to help you navigate this. The fact is, social media, phones and screens are part of our children's upbringing. Media phones and screens are part of our children's upbringing. What we make that mean is 100% in our control, and there are some positives to it and there are some negatives. It doesn't have to be all or nothing thinking. You could choose a middle ground should you wish to. I really hope this helps you. Have the most amazing week and I'll speak to you all again next week. Bye.