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The Working Mums Podcast
Teaching working mums mind & emotional management tools so they enjoy their kids, their job & themselves again without all the shitty mum guilt.
The Working Mums Podcast
Ep #33 - The Hidden Benefits of Negative Emotions
Have you ever wondered why we instinctively shy away from negative emotions? This episode tackles the deeply ingrained societal conditioning that leads us to suppress feelings like anxiety and frustration. Drawing from my extensive experience coaching a diverse range of people, I reveal the crucial survival role these emotions play and how compassion toward our primitive brain can transform our emotional responses. I discuss three main ways people typically handle their emotions and highlight the amazing impact of experiencing emotions as simple sensations instead of allowing them to drive our behaviors.
We then focus on the practical skill of tuning into your body's physical sensations as a method of managing emotions. Learn the power of labeling your emotions by identifying their physical symptoms.
By acknowledging and breathing through these sensations, you can replace impulsive reactions with thoughtful responses. Through relatable examples like managing frustration with children, resisting unhealthy cravings, and navigating traffic stress, I explain how learning and practicing this skill can lead to enhanced self-confidence and a greater sense of control over your emotional life.
Join me for this enlightening journey to transform your relationship with your emotions.
You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach
If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.
You can also follow me on IG @TheWorkingMumsCoach
Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's podcast where I would like to talk to you about doing hard things. So at this point in my coaching career I have now coached for I did the data, the math age of 16, actually 14, up to 80 year olds and everything in between. And here's what I noticed Without exception, every single one of us is trying to avoid our negative emotions. Some people are really indulging in their negative emotions because in some way, shape or form that gives them something. Shape or form that gives them something. But the people that I've coached are avoiding experiencing negative emotions, and I now understand why. A number of reasons. One we've been conditioned to believe we should always be happy, joyous and positive. Look for the silver lining, especially in Britain. It's that very much. Oh, chin up. You know shoulders back must crack on. Everything's fine.
Speaker 1:And I was talking to a gentleman today. I didn't know him, but he was saying how his son had just left for university and he was emotional about that. And someone else in the conversation said, oh, did you cry? And he went no, I held it in, as if holding it in is the stronger thing to do, because that's how we've been conditioned. This is not a judgment, this is not a criticism, this is just pure fascination how we have been conditioned to believe that some of our emotional sensations are negative but they feel bad by design, like if we take anxiety, for example. Anxiety is a message, is a way of us thinking. Is there actually a life-threatening thing here? Do I actually need to be aware of something that could, like, could, end my existence on this planet? Anxiety is our friend and it feels bad because we want to take action out of it, which is when our higher brain comes in, our compassionate kindness to ourselves, and go okay, primitive brain, I get it. You think my life is currently threatened, but actually my life isn't threatened. I'm only going in to have a conversation, I'm offering someone help and they may reject me. That is not life-threatening. It could be that I'm going into a room full of people and, yes, whilst I'm going to be uncomfortable, the room full of people is not life-threatening. So we can have a lot of compassion for that primitive part of our brain that thinks everything's trying to kill us, because back in its day, everything was trying to kill us A lot of the time.
Speaker 1:The only reason we go to anger or frustration is because underneath that is a vulnerability that we're not willing to look at. So we go a pain that we're not willing to look at. So we go to anger and frustration in order to protect ourselves. It's a more familiar emotion, if you like, and there are three ways that we deal with our quote-unquote negative emotions. I would just like to offer actually before I go on to to that that even the positive emotions, it is just a vibration in your body, it is just a sensation, completely neutral, and when you learn how to breathe and experience your emotions, you don't then have to be frightened of them. You don't have to get sad about feeling sad or angry, about feeling angry or shame, about feeling shame or anxious, about feeling anxious or frustrated, about feeling frustrated, because that's what's currently happening when we try to avoid that initial emotion. So there isn't really a positive or a negative emotion. It quite simply is a vibration in your body, and I go into this in a bit more detail in one of my earlier podcasts right in the beginning.
Speaker 1:But there are three things that people generally do with their emotions. They react from the emotion, so the emotion itself drives them to. Let's take anger. I think anger is a perfect example. When someone is feeling angry, you can't actually see someone's emotions Nervousness, anxiety, fear. You can't actually see someone's emotions. What we see is them reacting from that emotion. That emotion is driving their behavior. So for anger, it's obvious, isn't it? Their face is red, they're shouting, they're screaming, their hands are waving, their voice is louder, it goes deeper. It's more of an nature. That is them reacting from anger. Uh, we could take the urge for sugar, alcohol, junk food, smoking, even exercise, actually urge the, the desire in your body. When we react from that. We're eating, we're drinking, we're, we're exercising, but normally we're overdoing it because we're probably trying to avoid some sort of emotion in the beginning.
Speaker 1:Boredom is a classic one, but when you actually look at the emotion, you don't actually have to react from it. Let me just cover the other two things that we do and then I'll come back to that. So the first thing is we react to the emotion, so the emotion drives our actions. The other thing that we do is we indulge in it. So worry, overwhelm, a classic indulgent emotions. We just sit spinning in overwhelm. We sit like procrastinating, not getting it done. We spin in worry. We sit there worrying and moaning what if this, what if that? Well, what about this and what about that? And isn't it terrible about this, and isn't it? And we sit in worry, but worry overwhelm.
Speaker 1:When we indulge in those emotions, they don't produce any forward action, they don't move us forward. They produce nothing. Indulging that's indulgence. We just sit wallowing in it for days, weeks, months. For some people it's years. And when we indulge in an emotion and it could be anxiety, it could be frustration the cells of your body get familiar with that emotion and to that primitive brain. Again, you're not dead. Therefore, this emotion must be fine, which is why we tend to revert back to it.
Speaker 1:For me, it's kind of that victim, poor me type emotion. I have judgments on that which I have worked through, so I don't need to add that layer of shit. But now when I go to that, I just know that that's my default emotion and I can breathe through it and I'm only there for minutes. The third thing that we do is we avoid it altogether. We lock it up, we push it right down deep or we stick it on a shelf and I'm never going to look at it. No, I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. No, I'm fine, I don't have any emotions. I don't want to feel anything about this situation. I'm fine. So if you recognize any one of these three things, just be fascinated by it. Please don't add that layer of judgment on top, because that's the optional part, right?
Speaker 1:But there is a fourth way to deal with your emotions, and this is what I would love to invite you to consider. Most people think that when they're, when they feel an emotion I'm going to talk about grief is a perfect example of this when people think that when people think about allowing grief and experiencing grief, they think they're going to fall down this deep pit of a hole and never come out again. But that is not true. So the fourth option when it comes to your emotions is to learn, and it is a skill that someone needs to teach you. Learn how to experience and allow that emotion to be fully present in your body, knowing that it's harmless, knowing that that sensation, however uncomfortable, will pass. And when you get comfortable feeling uncomfortable, that's when you're in control of your life. That's when you start to build a self-confidence, and research shows you can google this that when you fully experience an emotion and allow it to be present in your body, it will only last for 90 seconds.
Speaker 1:And you will have experience of this, with positive emotions, when you book a holiday and you think about the holiday, because it's your thoughts that create your emotions in the first place. When you think about that holiday, you get excited. You're like, oh my gosh, it's going to be like this, and I'm going to be like this, and the weather's going to be like this, and it'm going to be like this, and the weather's going to be like this and it's going to be amazing. And so you feel good. But that excitement does not last. It is not like it's there 24 hours a day until you're on your holiday. It only comes when you think about the holiday and then you allow it because it feels good, and then it goes.
Speaker 1:So our emotions are only ever temporary, and so this deep pit of a hole that you think you're never going to come out of the only reason you're never going to come out of it is because you're either reacting to it, indulging in it or avoiding it completely, and it never flows through your body and away from you. And an emotion is like water, it's designed to flow. And when you learn this skill of fully experiencing your emotions and I'll tell you how to do that in just a second life, that the hard things that then happen to you in life are easier to deal with. Because here's a reality. Life is like a roller coaster. Cue the fucking song. I won't start singing, although now I really want to, but it is. Life is good and life is bad. You cannot have one without the other.
Speaker 1:And should you lose someone that you love, or should your children be poorly, you do not want to feel happy and joyous in that moment. You don't, I don't anyway. If you lose someone that you love, you want to experience the negative emotion of grief. You want to. You want to feel sad, you want to feel sad. So why avoid that emotion? You don't need to avoid it. It's harmless, uncomfortable, but totally harmless.
Speaker 1:Same with anger, same with frustration. And I've got to tell you especially anger when you are stood in front of someone that's shouting and screaming and ranting and raving. Yes, that might be unpleasant, but there's a feeling that they're out of control because they are not controlling themselves in that moment. They're just reacting unconsciously and no one ever tells us. You have this choice. So that's why we sometimes feel stuck. But when you're stood in front of someone and they're telling you I am really fucking angry right now, but they're calm, you know, they're in control of themselves. They're not reacting, they're not avoiding, they're not indulging in it, they're owning it. They're not indulging in it, they're owning it, they're allowing themselves to experience it and it gives them a self-control.
Speaker 1:I liken this as well to nervousness. I really enjoy presenting, so if you're listening to this and you know groups or companies that want well-being days or inputs, please get in touch with me, because it's one of the things I love to do the most. But I always get nervous. I get nervous because my brain tells me I'm going to look stupid, I'm not going to know what to say. No one wants to hear what you have to say, nikki. So, of course, when I've got that dialogue spinning in my head, I'm going to feel nervous, and I always start my presentations off explaining how I feel nervous.
Speaker 1:And this is how you experience your emotions Any emotion, by the way. This isn't just the negative ones. This works with the positive ones as well. But you literally come out of your head, go down into your body and you label it. Head, go down into your body and you label it. You take a deep breath and when I think about nervousness in my body, nervousness for me feels like my hands want to shake. I want to flap my hands around. There's a pit in my stomach, my heart pounds in my chest, my throat feels a little bit constricted and nervousness has my tongue feeling like it's huge in my mouth. I know why it's there, because of the story that my brain's offering me in that moment, and I know that it's harmless. And I take a deep breath and off I go, because, and then looking at me, I look very calm, I look very grounded, I really look like I've got my shit together, but internally everything's all up in the air and screaming and churning and that's okay. That's okay and this is how we do hard things when life gives us something challenging and our brain perceives a threat.
Speaker 1:It is going to be hard if you haven't learned the skill of experiencing your emotions. And I keep repeating the word learning and skill very, very deliberately, because no one taught you how to do this. No one said, hey, do you know what? You actually have a choice. You can experience this emotion and if you do, it's going to pass and release so much quicker. And that's how you do it, you label it in your body. You recognize where in your body, not your head where in your body do you feel this emotion? Is it hot, is it cold, is it fast, is it slow, what color is it? And and this will like, I get it If you've never done this before, this is going to feel really weird. I can remember explaining this to my husband. He's like what the first time he heard it. What are you talking about? If I don't feel it in my body, it's all in my head. And what do you mean? What color is it? It's a skill that you get to learn and when you're willing to learn it. The other side of that is the self-confidence, is the feeling of being in control. So practice the next time you have to tell you.
Speaker 1:Notice you're starting to feel frustrated because your children aren't picking up their socks. There are many in my house Socks. That is picking up their socks. There are many in my house Socks. That is not children. And you notice that frustration because there's that thought in your head God, I've got to ask them again. Fuck, I just keep repeating myself. I shouldn't have to ask them again to pick up their socks.
Speaker 1:And you notice that frustration, acknowledge it. Take a really deep breath. Where in my body do I feel this frustration? And actually, when I say come down into your body, I do actually feel frustration in my head. My head feels fuzzy, but what I mean is come out of your logic brain and go down into your body, because some sensations we do feel in our head, but frustration is also like this silver fuzzing in my diaphragm. But frustration is also like this silver fuzzing in my diaphragm. I own that. I created that. But I don't have to react from it. I can experience it, recognize it. In my body it starts to ease off. Another deep breath and then I get to choose. How do I want to show up up? I've tried shouting before in the past. That's not worked, so now it sounds a bit more like right, it's because I love you that if you don't go around and pick your socks up, I'm gonna take your phone off you for an hour, or screens off for an hour, or whatever the consequences that you decide to do.
Speaker 1:Another example could be if you're trying to lose weight or you just really want to be healthier and your brain at the end of the day is screaming at you to have that glass of wine to relax, or I just need that gin and tonic to relax, or I just need I need that treat. It's been a stressful day, I just want something nice. Acknowledge that. That's what your brain is telling you and the urge that comes along with that. So the urge for sugar for me feels like this, buzzing at the top of my arms and it's like a pulling forward my arms and it's like a pulling forward. I can just breathe. I acknowledge and recognize that emotion in my body. Count to 90, if you have to, and then choose. If I say no now, I'm saying yes to the health I want later. If I say no now, I'm saying yes to the future body that I want to have.
Speaker 1:I think I'll do a separate episode on that one, but these are some situations that you can apply it to. When you're sat in traffic and you start to get that frustration and that internal talk oh, you should have left earlier. And you start to get that frustration and that internal talk oh, you should have left earlier. They're going to think bad of you. Just acknowledge that. Where in your body do you feel that emotion? You're sat in traffic, so there's no excuse not to be able to do this. Don't do it when you're actually physically driving, but if you're literally sat in traffic, recognize where it is in your body, take a nice deep breath. I'm safe. I'm safe to experience this emotion.
Speaker 1:Now, what? Now? What am I going to choose to do? Okay, I'll just phone ahead and say look, it's likely that I'm going to be late. Choose what you're going to focus on. You can focus on the traffic and all the shit that that's going to create, or you could think this is an incredible opportunity to listen to that podcast that I want. Stick your favorite song on loud and sing it at the top of your voice. Look to the side of you and out at the beautiful view or the trees or the grass that's around you. This is what you get to choose. You get to choose what you focus on, and this is how you do hard things. Hard things do not need to be avoided. The other side of doing something hard is self-confidence, is that self-control? And if you need any more help with this, I'm kind of an expert, so get in touch because I would love to help you. Have the most amazing week and I'll speak to you again soon. Bye.