In today’s episode I will be discussing the cycle of getting into repeated negative relationships. This can be related to intimate partners, friendships, supervisors and any other relationships that occur in your life where you have a connection and repeated interactions with another person.
So what exactly is a negative relationship?
A negative relationship is one that is unhealthy, it is a relationship you may feel scared and anxious in, you could feel completely depleted, exhausted, trapped and even terrified at times. A negative relationship is one that contains repeated ongoing patterns of harmful behavior. If you are in a negative relationship please know that you are not alone, you can get help as impossible as it may seem at any given moment. It is also completely not your fault that you have entered into this relationship, stayed in it and possibly repeatedly been in negative relationships. There is significant proof and research that shows that relationships we are exposed to as children and what we know as normal creates the pathway to what we seek out in our futures.
Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that can be present in a negative relationship:
- Power imbalance - such as one person having the control i the relationship
- Extreme dependence - threatening a drastic measure of action if one person can not be with the other
- Gaslighting - making you question your own reality - what you remember and feel
- Lack of mutual respect
- Disrespect of boundaries
- any form of of harassment that makes the other person feel unsafe
- Abuse - physical, verbal, emotional, intimacy -Constant monitoring - always keeping tabs on another's location, expecting immediate responses
- Dishonesty
- Intimidation
- Manipulation
- belittling
It can lead to:
- Helplessness
- Self-doubt
- Lack of motivation
- Low work-place productivity
- Lock of confidence and low self-worth
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Paranoia
- Insecurity
- Lack of trust
- Emotional distress
How does it contribute to negative cycle?
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family or were exposed to family dysfunction you may not have a reference point for a healthy relationship. A dysfunctional family is one that displays repeated conflict, bad behaviors and can often include child neglect and abuse. There could be a codependent dynamic where one parent has an untreated mental illness or has a substance abuse addiction and the other parent will not object to the bad behavior.
If this resonates with you and this was your norm, it is no wonder that this has been normalized for you and that you may even seek out these types of relationships. When the dysfunctional family pattern repeats, the cycle continues and can expand because the children of the deteriorated family may all end up in dysfunctional relationships themselves.
My story:
I was exposed to extreme and horrifying dysfunction growing up, I did have a sense that other families operated differently due to my friendships however I saw many negative signs in other relationships too. I was sworn to secrecy and threatened regularly.
How did it impact me as an adult?
I would repeatedly ignore red flags in others, I would quiet my gut instincts, I would ot listen to anyone's warnings, I would tolerate very bad behavior and I hid everything from everyone until I could not any longer. I was on autopilot, I had been taught to function this way before I had even developed any critical thinking skills. I always always wanted a change.
What have I done to correct it?
I wanted to live differently, I wanted out, I did not want to be sad anymore, I did not want to hide anymore. I have always had a very curious personality that craves learning and challenge and facts that I can sink my teeth into. I really had a curiosity for the why - I needed to understand what had happened to me in my past and why I was making poor decisions. I was bright, I was kind, so why was I repeating something that was not serving me.
Step 1:
Acknowledge that you may be in a negative relationship pattern - you do not have to make any changes at this point, just explore if you may be in one or attracted to them. Do you tend to gravitate towards people that only take and do not give back? Do you tend to be attracted to people with addictions, controlling personalities, and manipulators?
It is important to know that you can never force someone to change, no matter how much you may want to be with them, many people don’t think or are incapable of believing they have done something wrong.
Step 2:
Start to listen to your gut and to trust it. You are the only one that has access to this feeling. If you feel out of tune with and cannot connect to your sense intuition make a note of when you feel unsafe. Does it feel like the way you are being treated is right or not right? If you can and it is safe to do so, write down how often you are being mis-treted. If it is not safe to do so, maybe make ticks or dots each time you feel something is not right or you are harmed emptionaly, physically or in any other way
How is your stress level - are you able to sleep and eat? Do you feel on egg-shells and afraid constantly when you are with your partner? Is your relationship draining you? If so these could be signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Step 3:
Tell someone you can trust - even if it is in a hypothetical way. Samples of safe people could be a family doctor, a teacher or principal, a trusted friend. It is important to know you do ot need to handle unhealthy relationships by yourself - there are strengths in community and numbers.
You can try asking questions like:
Have you ever had experience with or know of anyone who has been treated badly in a relationship? What did you or what did they do about it?
I need some advice on what to do with someone who is not treating me well.
How do you come up with a safety plan for emotions
This starts the process of you not being alone with the emotional load of what you are going through.
Consider setting up a safety plan - a code word for if you are in danger, going to a public space like a library or mall if you need to escape to start to get some help.
My experience:
I could not start breaking the horrible cycle I was in until I was ready to start talking. It took time for me, I had to process what I had gone through before I could talk. Once I started talking I became so relieved. I shared with my doctor, a therapist, family and trusted friends. In sharing I started to find out I was not alone, it was so sad to learn how many others were going through what I was but also so relieving. There was logic behind my actions - that made me understand I was not at fault -I stopped giving myself such a hard time all the time about my choices and made a very conscious effort to learn how to make different choices. I worked extremely hard to move forward and to share my story so that I could help others - I thought it would make what I had been through worth it.. What happened is that sharing my story ended up helping me. In sharing people were shocked and also incredibly supportive. It took an immeasurable weight off of me, and it allowed me to understand my thoughts and feelings for what they were. It allowed me to take the power out of them, and to take the power away from others. It allowed me to return the power to me. I now live my life empowered to make choices at all levels, the power to set boundaries and the power to leave.
I want you to know, that you have the power to leave too.