In today’s episode I am going to talk about abandonment, what it is, what it can cause and how to break its vicious cycle.
I find it fascinating that as humans we are the only species with the curiosity and drive to advance our society which is shown by how we have changed the world we live in over time. We have invented infrastructure, methods of bartering, storytelling, mass production and so on. Equally as interesting is that while we have evolved so much, our brain still responds to stressful situations with very primal responses. This can make navigating through strong emotions extremely confusing because sometimes our responses are not very helpful for the situation at hand. We are all entitled to feel our emotions in the way we feel them and at the time we feel them. However, understanding the reactions we have, why we have them and putting them into perspective can be very helpful when life feels out of control.
Let’s take abandonment as an example. The human primal response is to remain safe in a group of peers. In the past humans used to live exposed to the elements, in order to prevent themselves from being attacked or eaten by animals they stayed in groups because there is power in numbers. Being in a group allowed for stronger chances of survival in the form of gathering and collecting food, warding off threats and also allowed for the development of social bonds.
As humans have evolved, we still have these same needs to feel safe both physically and emotionally. We have these needs as infants, young children, as teens and all the way through adulthood. Our brain is hard-wired for this, it is imprinted on us and that is why the response can feel very powerful – it is a survival instinct. If anything gets in the way of us feeling safe, our brain sounds an alarm that is designed to keep us alive. You may have observed that people feel the need for community on a spectrum, some may prefer to be around large groups of family and friends constantly and some may prefer to be more independent and isolated. If you identify with the group of people that struggle with being alone and are fearful of being abandoned you may have a very strong response to situations where you perceive you are being left. As you can see that response is very logical if you look at why the response exists.
So what exactly is abandonment?
Abandonment is when you feel left in a way that makes you unsafe – this can be a physical absence or an emotional absence. Abandonment feels different to everyone, in some cases it turns into a traumatic experience. It is important to understand that this fear can develop at any stage in life, it can be terrifying, but you can heal from abandonment and go on to lead a full life. You do not need to live in perpetual fear of being deserted.
I am going to share some examples of abandonment or situations that contribute to the feelings of abandonment. You may be surprised to learn the variety of situations that can lead to the experience of being neglected, and you may identify with more than one.
Here is the list:
- Having your basic human needs for nourishment such as food and water going unmet
- Having emotional needs that are not fulfilled
- Being left in physical danger by a caretaker or a friend
- Being faced with the death of a loved one
- Growing up in poverty
- Rejection or being ostracised by a group
- Being subject to constant parental arguing and fighting
- Being on the receiving end of abuse
- Experiencing unstable relationships
- Experiencing rejection by caretakers
- Being ridiculed by caretakers
- Being treated as a peer by parents
- Given standards that were impossibly high as a child
- Having your emotions stifled and quitted
What does abandonment cause?
If you have suffered from abandonment in a way that has led to trauma you could be experiencing some or many of the following responses. If you do identify with these feelings, please know you are not alone, these are known and appropriate responses to what has happened to you. You can heal from this and develop a more helpful response overtime.
Here is the list:
- Lifelong struggles with physical and mental health, and academics
- Significant negative impacts on quality of life
- Mental health disorders
- Separation anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Experiencing anxiety and distress when separated from a loved one
- Lack of the ability to trust others
- Trouble establishing boundaries in relationships
- A feeling of being in a constant state of distress such as anguish or suffering
- A strong reaction of hurt and or anger to criticism or feedback
- Relationship insecurity
- Low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness
- You may be perceived as needy or clingy
- The desire to have a lot of control over others
- Going to extreme lengths to preserve a relationship even if it is not a healthy one
- Social withdrawal
- Fear, irritability and or sadness with social interactions
- Comfort indifference – not being able to receive comfort from others
- A general sense of lack of trust
- Risk-seeking relationships
- Impulsive behaviors
- Envy
- Being completely antisocial
- Feeling very safe with complete strangers and practicing in impulsive or risky behaviours
So how does abandonment contribute to negative cycle?
Abandonment trauma can contribute to negative cycles in many ways.
It can put the person who has experienced the trauma at risk of self-sabotaging behaviour, they may seek out similar situations to their past or people that will treat them the way they were treated in the past. To clarify this is not putting the person who has been abandoned at fault, seeking out what you know is something that we all take great comfort in. When left untreated this can lead to substance abuse and eating disorders. Self-harm, trouble with forming stable relationships, fear of intimacy, and codependency. Even completed denial of the trauma. Until recognized and treated, the person who has experienced the trauma may be in a negative cycle loop of unhealthy behaviours.
You may repeat a negative relationship and possibly have children who will then become exposed to this behaviour and see it as normal and acceptable, they can pass this onto their own children and the cycle repeats for generations to come. Additionally, children can inherit the anxieties associated with abandonment.
Unhealed abandonment trauma can also lead its victims to abandoning others in some cases. This of course is not an intentional reaction, if we do not have good role models and are not able to connect our feelings to what has occurred of course, this type of behaviour begins to make sense.
Here is what happened to me:
I experienced abandonment both emotionally and physically during my childhood. Some examples of what I went through were being left alone repeatedly and for long periods of time with unsafe adults who were given authority to watch me and given access to me. I was left alone in unsafe spaces. I was constantly exposed to explosive fighting, death and intimacy which was not age appropriate.
So how did this impact me as an adult?
I repeatedly choose people who would abandon me because it felt safe – ironic I know, but now you can see it is starting to make sense that I would behave this way. It is important to acknowledge that two opposing thoughts and feelings can be true at the same time. I knew at my core I did not feel like I belonged with the people I was hanging out with, but I did feel a sense of normalcy with them. There was definitely something amiss, but I did not have the ability to know what to do with the feeling at the time. I had a feeling that eventually something would change, it had to because my gut was telling me it needed to. The first time I really had an inkling that I might need to make a change in how I was evaluating friendships nearly killed me. I was at an amusement park; it was a very rainy day, and I went on the same ride over and over with my friends – it was a ride that spun and spun to make you would slide up on mats imitating the feeling that the floor was dropping. When I got off the ride I could barely walk, I could not walk straight, I kept bumping into things. I was totally disoriented, nauseous, everything was spinning and would not stop. I was the type of person that hid my emotions, did not complain, and would push dangerously past feelings of discomfort but not this day, I voiced I was not okay. There was no way that my friends did not see that I was unwell. My friends left me, one sort of asked if I was okay but they showed no true compassion, they just left me – I somehow got myself home and was rushed to the hospital. Over the next few months, it was discovered my reaction was due to a growing brain tumor.
Those friendships understandably dissolved after that experience, one more quickly than the other. I promised myself I would never put myself in that situation again. But I did, repeatedly, I picked people in my life that were not safe and would put me in unsafe situations. I even found people that thought it was fun to lock me in dark rooms and leave me alone in unsafe places, they would make fun of my anxious reactions, so I started to hide my feelings even more. By the time I became a young adult, inwardly I was living in fear all the time. Outwardly I was thriving, I appeared happy and independent, had a great circle of friends, a busy social life and a good job.
Eventually, it caught up to me – for months I would sleep 4 hours a night, I would wake up at 4am with my stomach in knots and throw up repeatedly. I would freshen up and head off to work. It didn't even occur to me that what I was experiencing was not normal – I just carried on - I did not know there was any other way. I would not dare ask anyone for help or admit to how I was feeling, I also was sure I was completely alone -no one talked about this. Finally, I was getting ready to give yet another presentation at work and my body gave out and I went home and called my doctor who reassured me I was not alone, I was dealing with crippling anxiety – that was the biggest gift I was given, a name for what I was going through and a sense of community. There is strength in numbers, even when you are having a hard time or suffering.
So what have I done to break this cycle?
If any of this has resonated with you to the point that you feel you could be experiencing the fear of abandonment it could be a sign that you have abandonment trauma. The good news is that we know a lot more about this subject and there are people like me who are very open to talking about their experiences and actively trying to help others who are going through this experience.
Before we go onto the steps that I recommend you take, please be kind to yourself. I really mean that. One of the favourite pieces of advice I heard was to treat yourself like your best friend – you would not be impatient or unkind to your best friend if they were trying to process trauma so please treat yourself with the same kindness.
Step 1:
Start to get the information out of your mind – the feelings, the facts, the timelines. Write it down on paper, in a journal, on a word document, speak it into a recording.
What happened to you?
How did it make you feel then?
If available, you may want to review what you remember with safe people that were there during your experience. For example, siblings, friends that were around at the time, trusted peers. We often know what is true at our core, but sometimes it is just so unfathomable that it can be hard to admit it is true - this is where external validation can help. If this is not available to you, do not worry it does not have to be for you to make progress. If you are going to review your story with someone, make sure you choose people you trust, not people that will deny your past.
Can’t find words to express this trauma? Draw – use lines, paint – use colors, sculpt – use clay. This is about getting it out so you can see it from a different perspective. Once you have done that, then assign some words to your outlet.
Take the time you need for this – if it feels like too much back-off and come back to it later when you are feeling stronger.
The first time I expressed myself with words was by working with a therapist and sharing my experiences, the therapist helped me learn about anxiety (I had no idea what it was, and I did not understand that my past could be impacting my present state). I learned that what I had experienced had left a lasting mark on me, and I also have learned over the years I cannot keep everything inside, it builds pressure and can feel explosive when it is not released. When I got the thoughts and feelings and experiences out of my mind, I could see them for what they were – thoughts and feelings. This gave them less power. I began to understand that something that happened to me in the past was impacting my present and was able to start to move forward on why that was. This process also allowed me to find others that have been through similar experiences which is unbelievably healing. Knowing that you are not alone reaffirms your safety which is as I have shared earlier, such a primal need.
Step 2:
Review and evaluate how what has occurred to you could be contributing to your experience now. Let’s say when you are listening to this podcast, or reading an article about abandonment trauma when it “clicks”, makes sense and it feels relatable – highlight it, put a check-mark. Write down – this makes sense, this is my experience, this has happened to me!
I practise this regularly, when I read a book or an article about someone who has experienced something traumatising and they explain the result I do this – it validates my experience, it makes it less big and scary and it helps me connect with them even if they have no idea I am connecting with them and it helps me immensely.
Step 3:
Write yourself a watch-list – red flags to watch out for in others that you are letting into your life. Hold yourself accountable to this list and consider having an accountability buddy. Do not hurry, take relationships slowly, allow others time to prove to you that they are safe people. Let the person you are letting in your life know you need time, a good sign is if a person does not push you for details, they won’t need the details, they will understand and go at your pace.
Step 4:
Set expectations and do not rush.
As you get deeper into the relationship, if this is someone you want to put an effort into, I with begin to set and explain expectations of what reasonable acceptable and unacceptable behaviour is, and begin to evaluate if the other person can accommodate. For example, a reasonable request could be if you are going to be late, please send me a message to let me know. For the other person, this is a reasonable request and expectation, for you, this can help you avoid going down a negative spiral of worry especially until you are able to counter thoughts with reasonable responses such as – they could be stuck in traffic, their phone battery could have died and so on.
For alone time, work up to this, slowly. Try out small periods of time left alone, the feelings may be huge, but they will not kill you. Try 5 minutes at a time at first, 10 minutes, then 20 and so on. The more repeated positive experiences you have the more your body will see the pattern and reference this positive experience.
When you are alone, write down what comes up. Are you getting a feeling of fear or are you on one of those mental train rides to the worst will happen scenario? Try saying to your feelings I remember you, you are not appropriate for this, what are you doing here? Remind yourself you are in the present that it is an old feeling.
This process will take time. Allow for setbacks and learn from them, they can in fact propel you forwards.
I had to implement these steps in order to learn how to be alone:
I was so traumatised that I dreaded being alone, it took up so much mental space. I would worry about being a lone weeks before a date I knew I would need to be alone. I avoid it and make tons of plans and back-up plans, sometimes even double booking myself so that I would not be alone. Each time I was actually left alone I would be terrified, fearful, and so so sad. I had to expose myself to the experience of being alone little by little so that I could learn that I could survive thoughts and feelings which again, were only thoughts and feelings. I would start to let myself experience being alone but with a comforting or fun distraction: warm tea, soft blankets, a tv show that would allow me escapism – the real housewives of any city or the bachelorette worked best.
It took several months but allowing myself to experience the feelings and know I could survive them gave me immeasurable strength. It did not take long for me to realize how far I had come. Now believe it or not I relish solitude. It gives me so much mental peace. This is a place you I know you can also get too.