Cycle Breaker and Change Maker | Introduction to Letting Go

Episode 4 - Introduction to letting go

 In today's episode I will focus on an introduction to letting people go.  This can be a friend, a colleague, a relative or anyone that is in your life that is not serving you well.

 So what exactly does letting go of someone mean?

 I will be discussing letting go of a relationship in the following framework:

You have already accepted how a relationship has developed and have come to realize it is not one you can continue, and you need to move on from it in order to move forward in your own life.  It is important to know that letting go of someone can be a very difficult thing to do, it can appear that some people do this easily and with no remorse, however for most of us who experience meaningful connections it is a very hard process and requires the seven stages of grief to move on from.

 How does not letting go of someone who is not serving you contribute to a negative cycle?

When you stay in a relationship that is not healthy for you out of your sense of obligation or your sense of fear it limits your ability to navigate your own life and can prevent you from finding happiness or contribute to you becoming very unhappy.  When you are tethered or attached to someone unhealthy or unhelpful you can’t possibly be free - they are always on the back of your mind as it is impossible for them not to be.  It is a huge weight that you carry, day in and day out.  Additionally, maintaining these relationships reinforces the behavior that is perhaps toxic, negative or abusive.  By staying, you are allowing yourself and the other person involved to believe that it is okay to continue existing in this way.

My story:

I grew up thinking and believing that cultural and societal norms and expectations were the only way to exist. I was applauded for being such a good person, a tolerant person, a patient person and so on - I held myself to a standard of excellence that ended up being to my detriment.  This included maintaining many relationships that were not safe or good for me, because based on the way I understood the world - it was my obligation to do so.  Praise only reinforced my behavior.  While internally I was so unhappy, empty and unfulfilled, I was receiving praise so I took that to mean I was doing something positive.  The problem with praise is when people give it, they often do not look at the whole story and it can reinforce bad behaviors.   It was not until I was told over and over again by other survivors that you do not have to stay in bad relationships just because society says you should that I realized I was the exception in staying in the relationship for so long and I knew that I needed to take steps to correct this.

How did this impact me as an adult?

Staying in negative relationships for me became like wearing cement with scary objects in it.   I began to feel weighed down because I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with unhealthy relationships and from putting others' needs before my own.    I would do everything I could to placate other people so that they would not become upset with me in order to protect myself and

Transcript

Episode 4 - Introduction to letting go

In today's episode I will focus on an introduction to letting people go.  This can be a friend, a colleague, a relative or anyone that is in your life that is not serving you well.

 So what exactly does letting go of someone mean?

I will be discussing letting go of a relationship in the following framework:

You have already accepted how a relationship has developed and have come to realize it is not one you can continue, and you need to move on from it in order to move forward in your own life.  It is important to know that letting go of someone can be a very difficult thing to do, it can appear that some people do this easily and with no remorse, however for most of us who experience meaningful connections it is a very hard process and requires the seven stages of grief to move on from.

How does not letting go of someone who is not serving you contribute to a negative cycle?

When you stay in a relationship that is not healthy for you out of your sense of obligation or your sense of fear it limits your ability to navigate your own life and can prevent you from finding happiness or contribute to you becoming very unhappy.  When you are tethered or attached to someone unhealthy or unhelpful you can’t possibly be free - they are always on the back of your mind as it is impossible for them not to be.  It is a huge weight that you carry, day in and day out.  Additionally, maintaining these relationships reinforces the behavior that is perhaps toxic, negative or abusive.  By staying, you are allowing yourself and the other person involved to believe that it is okay to continue existing in this way.

My story:

I grew up thinking and believing that cultural and societal norms and expectations were the only way to exist. I was applauded for being such a good person, a tolerant person, a patient person and so on - I held myself to a standard of excellence that ended up being to my detriment.  This included maintaining many relationships that were not safe or good for me, because based on the way I understood the world - it was my obligation to do so.  Praise only reinforced my behavior.  While internally I was so unhappy, empty and unfulfilled, I was receiving praise so I took that to mean I was doing something positive.  The problem with praise is when people give it, they often do not look at the whole story and it can reinforce bad behaviors.   It was not until I was told over and over again by other survivors that you do not have to stay in bad relationships just because society says you should that I realized I was the exception in staying in the relationship for so long and I knew that I needed to take steps to correct this.

How did this impact me as an adult?

Staying in negative relationships for me became like wearing cement with scary objects in it.   I began to feel weighed down because I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with unhealthy relationships and from putting others' needs before my own.    I would do everything I could to placate other people so that they would not become upset with me in order to protect myself and prevent feelings of fear and anxiety (which is represented by the scary objects I mentioned in the cement I felt like I was wearing).  This is an impossible feat - you cannot control other people's thoughts!  When you are dealing with individuals with untreated mental health disorders as I was, it becomes a very unhealthy cycle to think that you can. 

What have I done to correct it?

Step 1:

When you get to the point of realizing you do not want to maintain a relationship, start to write down what is not serving you - for example is the other person selfish, hurtful, unpredictable, turbulent?  You need to see this list laid out to reinforce your thoughts about this person and to make them tangible.  Additionally, if the relationship improves for a while, which it might, once these behaviors present themselves again this can serve as a reminder for why you do not want to continue.

Step 2:

Start to implement boundaries and distance.  This can be hard to do, especially if you are in a situation where the relationship is particularly deep rooted, has lasted a long time and could have reached a level of unhealthy dependence.  The boundaries and distance will allow you to see if you start to feel some relief - if you do, this is a very good sign that you are moving in the right direction.  If the person cannot respect your boundaries, this is also a sign that you are moving in the right direction.  It is normal for other people to be upset with, surprised by and uncomfortable with boundaries, however in a healthy relationship they will respect them.  Speaking from personal experience it is very important to be explicitly clear about your boundaries.  An individual who does not want these boundaries up will take every indication that they can to continue contact and revert to old relationship patterns.  If you think you are being too clear or harsh, you are likely not, you are just used to putting the other person before you.

Step 3:

Ending the relationship.  When you have come to the point where you have made a concrete decision to end the relationship you need to let the other person know that they are not allowed to contact you any longer.  You do not have to explain the why, you can if you want to, however it is not owed to the other person and, they likely won’t even understand or accept it.  

This can be a very hard part, this is when you may need to allow yourself to go through the movements of the 7 stages of grief, you may need your friends, peers, support systems, therapists during this time.  While the act of ending a relationship can be scary, overwhelming and adrenaline filled, once it is done, it can be followed by immense grief.    It is important that you pick people who will be supportive of your decision, and not make you feel badly for making it. 

My experience -  how implementing the steps listed above led to a positive outcome:

The first time I had to end an unhealthy relationship it was gut wrenching, heartbreaking and took me months and months to accomplish. I felt like a horrible person, even though those around me were more puzzled by why I was staying in the relationship than why I was ot out of it.  I went back and forth and back and forth on my choice.  I knew I could not maintain the existence of what was going on, but I also could not imagine life without it.  I was holding myself up to unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. When I finally ended the relationship I felt relief, still sadness and missing the other person but a very profound sense of relief.  Over time the relief became stronger while the other feelings faded.

This set me up for the hardest relationship of my life to walk away from.  This was a relationship that had become so negative I was afraid for my life, every day.  When this type of fear occurs over years and years what can happen is the victim can feel a need to keep the other person in their life, so that they know where they are in order to feel safe.  This is a complicated concept so I am going to repeat it because I know there are others out there that need to hear this.  When you are in a relationship where you fear for your life, you can become so entrenched in awareness of your abuser that you keep them in your life in order to not be afraid of them.  With the help of my previous experience, I knew I could move away from this, and I did.  I used the steps I shared with you to break free, and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made in my life - I feel calmness, solace, a sense of comfort and ease and that is a feeling we all service to experience.  

Believe me, if I was able to break free, you can too.