Navigating Divorce: Embracing Emotional Resilience and Self-Discovery for Personal Growth and Empowerment with Paul Murphy

Join host Avik in a compelling discussion on Mind Over Masculinity as we explore the intricate journey of divorce with our insightful guest, Paul Murphy. Paul, the mastermind behind Divorce Detox, opens up about the challenges he faced during his own divorce and how the absence of emotional and logistical support inspired him to create a resource for other men following a similar path. The conversation takes a deep dive into the psychological and emotional aspects of divorce that are often overshadowed by legalities. Discover how Paul’s experiences shaped his approach to prioritizing children's well-being, creating opportunities for resilience, personal growth, and transformation during this life-changing process.

Throughout the episode, we uncover the emotional terrain men navigate during divorce and how it impacts their mindset and decisions. Paul sheds light on the importance of acknowledging emotions and leveraging tools like the emotional wheel, as well as the critical role professional help, such as therapy, can play in maintaining stability. The conversation also offers valuable insights on the complexities of dating post-divorce, especially with children involved, and the potential pitfalls of social media announcements. Finally, Paul introduces Divorce Redux, a self-paced online course that equips men with 24/7 access to resources, empowering them to handle their divorce journey on their own terms. Tune in to gain a fresh perspective on turning a daunting transition into a journey of empowerment and healing.

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Chapters

• 0:07 Navigating Divorce With a Roadmap
• 9:44 Nurturing Masculinity Through Divorce

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:07

Hey there, everyone. Welcome back to Mind Over Masculinity, the podcast where we tackle the challenges and joys of modern masculinity with open minds and open hearts. I'm your host, avik, and today's episode is one you don't want to miss. Divorce, and today's episode is one you don't want to miss Divorce it's one of the life's most daunting challenges and for men, it can often feel like navigating a storm without a compass.

Speaker 1: 0:40

But, what if there was a roadmap, a guide to not just survive but thrive through this life-altering transition? Well, today I am sitting down with one and only Paul Murphy. Welcome to the show, paul.

Speaker 2: 0:54

Thank you so much, Avik. I'm very, very pleased to be here and look forward to the discussion.

Speaker 1: 0:58

Lovely, lovely. So, paul, before we start, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, paul is a man who's been through the storm and came out the other side with a mission to help others, so he is the creator of Diverse Detox, a revolutionary online guide tailored specifically for men dealing with divorce. So he isn't just a creator, but he's a father, a healthcare professional, a writer, a cyclist I'm the cyclist as well, yeah, so high five. Yeah. So who knows what it's like to rebuild a life? So he's here to share his story today, his wisdom and his strategies for turning one of the life's toughest transitions into an opportunity for the growth. So grab your coffee, tea or any beverage you like, sit back and get ready for a conversation, powerful conversation about healing, growth and moving forward. So let's dive in.

Speaker 2: 2:00

Welcome to the show again. Thank you so much, Avik, and thank you for the very warm introduction and for your listeners out there. To Avik's point, divorce can be an overwhelming consequential event in one's life and the summary of why this thing even came to be is my mentor actually pushed me, after years of healthcare experience, to do something different and to create a tool that could reach masses of men to help them hopefully get through the more successfully. That's how we landed here today, yeah exactly, exactly.

Speaker 1: 2:31

So the starting point, I mean first of all, I mean definitely I'm really happy that you are here today to share your insights. So first thing is like, what was the moment that made you realize that you needed to create Divorce Detox? So was there a specific turning point in your journey?

Speaker 2: 2:50

So, if you can share, yes, sure, the vision for Divorce Detox actually occurred years after my divorce and in 2023, late 23, a mentor of mine actually challenged me to come up with a new project, if you will, because, as you noted in the past, in healthcare, I've created, I've published articles, I've spoken at conferences to help people out with the healthcare aspect, and my mentor really said to me let's look at all your skill sets, what do you have? And we went through this exercise and we said wait a second, you survived a divorce. You now have two grown children. You described I described my divorce as fairly amicable, unlike others, and we said wait a second, let's do some research, find out what's out there.

Speaker 2: 3:33

And, yes, there are existing programs, both by women and men, on divorce. However, to our knowledge, there wasn't anything that was truly customized to men to be online 24-7 to not only help guys get through the nuts and bolts of divorce, such as, you know, child support, what you do with your assets, bank accounts, et cetera. That's all fine and dandy, but the one thing that's very relevant to our discussion is the mindset, the emotions and the need for potential therapy All these elements that you know traditional macho, if you will guys may not consider and I completely underestimated the emotional impact and the mindset impacts it would have, going to my divorce as well. So that is how divorce detox came to be, and it's been interesting.

Speaker 2: 4:16

The users of the program have also come back with various feedback, meaning, paul, you know you cover the nuts and bolts of divorce, but you're covering some other topics here that never considered, like how to introduce your kiddos to a potential new spouse or a significant other. How do you travel with ex-in-laws and an ex, perhaps for a child's graduation, what have you? So there's all these elements that you can go on, and the one thing I told another colleague of mine is there's no way to have a fully comprehensive program, but you can give the basics and add on some additional flavorings as we go through, and so really it's been a very exciting journey. The program's up and running and the feedback's been phenomenal.

Speaker 1: 4:52

Wow, that's really awesome. Yeah, and you mentioned that there wasn't a resource like this when you went through your divorce, and so how did that lack of guidance shape your own experience and the man you are today?

Speaker 2: 5:12

Great question. And when I was going through my divorce, I behind the scenes, we'll admit this I was scrambling at times because there wasn't a centralized location. Here's what you might expect to see from a lawyer perspective, from mediation expectations, from oh my gosh, you're going to have to open up or at least you should be opening up all your finances to figure out what you do with the assets. And I was scrambling. I was talking to friends. I didn't say a lot to my family, just for a variety of reasons my immediate family parents, siblings and I would say that one of the elements that also threw me for a wrench is I had a very close friend of mine. He had actually gone through divorce and he was my mentor, if you will and he unfortunately passed away and I found myself grasping yet again for additional resources, and it kept focus the entire time of E was anytime I came up to any decision. I also forced myself, even if my emotions were flaring, to slow down, to pause and to say what's best for the kids and how do I take care of them? Most of the adults in the room are going to deal with what's going on, but in my opinion, the kids take priority and so it was a lot of scrambling and going through and I have a sibling who went through divorce and I saw that whole process go through and for me having a tool from A to Z makes sense. And the world is changing and guys, you know, the reality is, as another colleague said, paul, roughly 50% of divorces. You know 50% of your marriages are ending up with divorces. There's a huge need. And he says you know, as long as people are getting married, there's always going to be a need for a tool.

Speaker 2: 6:43

And the other thing I said to him was the other part of this whole model is and this was a very big aha moment for me so I get divorced, we're in front of the judge, we signed a paperwork, I walk outside and here I am almost a decade later from signing papers and divorce is forever and it stays with you forever and you can't predict how much is going to happen. But when I was going through divorce, you can't predict everything's going to happen, but when I was going through divorce I can't wait to get more sign of paperwork. And then you get there and you're like wait, this continues and even to this day. You know my kids are grown and it's just going through and again, even as you're making bigger decisions for the kiddos as they get older, all about the kids. So it's, it's, it's uh, it's been a a lot of facets that went through putting this whole thing together. It's been a very exciting journey for myself as well yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: 7:26

And Also you described that divorce detox as a turning as ordeal into an opportunity for the growth. So that's a powerful perspective. So how do you help men shift their mindset to see divorce as a potential for the personal?

Speaker 2: 7:45

development. There's the sayings out there that you quote don't build the ocean. When you're tackling the ocean, water problems, and you know, when there's an elephant you don't eat the whole elephant, you do it by chunks. And the reason I make that analogy is with the worst detox. There's actually seven modules and within each module are lessons, and there's like two to three minute long lessons and we include learning activities, and so I actually have PowerPoint slides that I walk through for the more academic stuff. But then I also go outside and maybe I'm taking a break from riding, or maybe I'm taking a break from a skate and I do more shower moments, if you will, or add-ons where we give additional insights, and so truly Divorce Detox takes bits and pieces of divorce. We break it down and go step by step and then we also embed learning activities where we actually give you guys links to additional resources or and we also provide them with.

Speaker 2: 8:38

You know, here's what you should consider doing with child support. What's your current budget? What's your post-divorce budget? How old are your kids? What's going to happen? Do you have to make budget adjustments, considering things such as a lawyer versus mediation?

Speaker 2: 8:49

How do you go through that process and what are some factors to consider, because when I was going through my divorce, elements weren't there and this is designed to break things through and I've had some guys say, paul, I don't need a tool like this. I've already been through my divorce and we're talking through. I'm like that's fine, it's up to you, but as far as a tool going long term, you know there's other things that have come down in life like you suddenly realize you have to travel with others and so it's truly breaking things down. And the dating section has been interesting as well. I'm the monogamous three-year relationship and it helps. You know how you introduce a new significant to your kiddos and if they have kiddos that hold, that hold, dance and it's a waltz and you have all these layers that are intertwined. So I know that was a long-winded answer but truly, you know, when Saul said none, at the end of the day it's like breaking it down into components that guys can digest and support them and get through it.

Speaker 1: 9:41

Exactly, I totally agree. So men are often told to man up and suppress their emotions during a divorce. So how does divorce detox help men navigate the emotional side of the things while still maintaining?

Speaker 2: 9:58

a sense of strength Very good point and I at times, through my divorce, tried to bury the emotions. But what I find, and what I still to this day find out, that my emotions impact my mindset and my mindset impacts my decision making. And I've talked to other guys and they all said, yep, that's the case, and that whole macho it up and get your masculinity going. I actually go the opposite way and for myself and to the people I work with I say you really want to focus on the kiddos? And then we also include in the program a concept called an emotional wheel and this was actually just introduced to me by a colleague of mine where the hub is what you're feeling. And then you go from a hub spoke model and you go out and you see what the emotion is, you see how you're reacting to it. And I mentioned this because it's important to be aware of things, because when you're going through divorce and you have the emotions kicking in, if you're at work, can it influence your work Absolutely?

Speaker 2: 10:53

I was told that a couple of times when I was going through divorce at work people would be like we can tell you just a little off, is everything okay? And I'd have to laser focus myself on like the work stuff versus the emotions and so little tools like the emotional wheels. And the other aspect is it is okay to go see a therapist and I did that several times to make sure that. I just want to make sure that my mindset was okay and I was approaching logically from a professional who was outside my circle and just get their candid feedback. And a lot of the guys were like, no, I'm not doing it, so be it.

Speaker 2: 11:24

The other part of this that did at times get super uncomfortable, but we went through this. We went through heavy emphasis on mediation, less emphasis on a lawyer, and then some folks will say to me yeah, but if I have a prenup and everything else, I'm like, well, then you need to go to lawyer side as well because you have to get that tackled. So all these little tools we pepper throughout the program, designed specifically to help guys get through the whole masculinity thing, to bring it down a couple of tones to where you're going through it. And there's some people who don't agree with that approach. I get it. But for those who do agree with it and have had some candid feedback where it makes sense, logical, it's been nice to hear that.

Speaker 1: 12:00

Exactly, exactly, perfect. And it's such an important point. I think a lot of us are realizing that strength isn't the absence of vulnerability, it's the ability to face it head on. So yeah, absence of vulnerability, it's the ability to face it head-on, so yeah. And also like, dating after divorce is a whole new ball game, and especially when kids are involved. So what's your approach to helping men introduce their new significant other to their children in a kind of healthier way?

Speaker 2: 12:32

yeah, the healthy component, and this is interesting, where I had my mentor and I actually chatted about this because she was getting ready to date a gentleman who had kiddos and she recognized and this is relevant to your question he wasn't emotionally ready to start dating. And for guys, just because you're divorced, I mean, each guy is different. But being emotionally ready to do it and depending upon the age of your kiddos, or one kid what have you, will influence greatly of how you introduce your kids to your significant other. And we include a link in there because you and I could spend hours trying to navigate all these different age brackets, things like that. But the for myself, um, I introduced my kiddos to my current spot, um, you know significant other, and several months ago and it all went nicely and she was protective of her son and we did the intros of everyone. So every situation is different, but being even keeled about it being knowing that your kids are ready for it as well, meaning that they're, um, in a state of in life where they can actually quote-unquote handle or accommodate being introduced in that capacity.

Speaker 2: 13:38

And then the other factors to this is the financial aspects, because if you go from having, say, one to how many kids you have, and you add additional kids. Now you have additional responsibilities because now you're also dating a partner who has kiddos, and so we go through all these factors and how you actually go through and not leveraging the kids to try to convince the significant other to stay with you. What have you? And so your question is super, super important, and I'll also tie into this because it's relevant, and I've actually seen some people do this, where they start announcing on social media that they're now in a new relationship and look, they have this child, that child. What have you? And I caution people when they do that, just because you just don't know what's going to happen down the road and, as the saying goes, once it's online it's forever, and you just want to be also um respectful and sensitive to your significant others, family members and kiddos, so that you come across as being eating-healed, emotionally ready and responsible, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 14:38

Exactly, exactly, it makes sense. Yeah, and Also, divorce Redux is a self-paced online course, so what made you choose this format? I mean, how does it empower men to walk through their divorce on their own terms?

Speaker 2: 14:57

Great question and my mentor actually pushed me from doing traditional article publications in medical journals, et cetera to do a complete 180 and to create a program that would be online and guys could walk through. The intent is to walk through from the beginning, through the set of models to the end, and I've had guys go through. They've skipped around, which is fine, but we wanted to have a tool that didn't rely on necessarily having to go to a place in person, that we wanted to provide immediate 24 by 7 access and not make it just where they're sitting there reading something, but also seeing videos and conversations. For myself and it's not just my stories that I include in this thing, it's also feedback from other guys from their divorce experiences. So they're getting a salt and pepper mixture of feedback over the years and, given that we're a digital age, it makes sense to have a program like this that's out and available for them 24 by 7 and to go from there. We've also had been approached to consider presenting this. Believe this is interesting to present this to a divorce course and be to lawyers because other life changing events, such as DUIs etc.

Speaker 2: 16:05

Oftentimes individuals are mandated to take a class. And what a better topic unfortunate topic, but what a great topic of divorce and the life-changing effect it's going to have and having an individual actually take the class part of their due diligence. And I mention this as well because, for example, the state of Colorado you submit your divorce papers. You have to wait 90 days. It's almost like a cooling off period to reflect, and sometimes you get people who change their minds in that 90 days. But again, just as another tool to go through divorce and having it to be as successful as possible and you know, and to go from there Future as well, we've had requests to have some additional online support with regards to Facebook groups, and so all of these things are being planned for 2025 as well. So it's exciting times and my mentor did a nice job of pushing me and the whole world of digital communications and tools. It's exciting, it's cool and, most importantly out of all this, it's been helping guys, which is important.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Yeah, exactly A hundred percent, I would say. I mean, I love that you are meeting men when they are uh, I mean, not everyone is ready for the therapy or group sessions, but a self-paced program feels so accessible. Yeah, definitely, yeah, so also like, uh, um, what does life after divorce look like for men who have gone through a divorce detox? So what kind of transformations have you seen or maybe experienced?

Speaker 2: 17:35

I think one of the biggest feedbacks that I've received is the affirmation from individuals who have said you know, paul, it's going through divorce, going through divorce detox. I get to the end and I realize life does continue. You can continue on going forward. I've had a couple of folks say to me I never realized there were so many resources available out there for divorce, versus just talking to my best buddy over a drink. And other folks have said to me you know this whole thing about I'm done with my divorce, I'm getting ready to date, I'm not quite sure how to do it, and so I've actually had some folks come back with feedback on a dating side and it's been interesting on that, and then other factors that come in. You know, paul, I never thought about what would happen if I got arrested either before or after divorce, and I mention this because a lot of people say, wait a second. You include divorce stuff or, excuse me, getting arrested stuff in your divorce program, like I do, because, remember, emotions and mindset can get triggered when it comes regarding divorce topics and sometimes people end up getting arrested for whatever reason it is. And then the question is does that also impact your divorce state? And the answer is potentially, and so it's been very interesting to have the guys come through, and the colleague who mentioned the mindset and the emotional wheel was also. Like you know, I can now see how all this ties in and, and having a one-stop shop for the nuts and bolts, plus additional topics around the divorce, has been key for some guys getting through.

Speaker 2: 18:57

And regardless of the folks I mean those who've taken it, even those who haven't gone the reality is and this was a big wake up for me is, even though you get divorced, life continues on, and there's things that I've encountered that I never predicted, but we've managed to navigate the waters. Some of it involved kiddos and my ex and things like that, and it's one of those. You can have all the resources in the world, and one of the key elements that I think through any divorce project, especially if they're relatively immaculate is just being flexible and going through it. No one said they're all going to be easy topics, but you can get through it, go from there, be successful and and I think one of the biggest compliments my ex and I received this my daughter mentioned it one time. She's like dad compared to some other people. I've seen you guys, your divorce is nothing compared to some others, which is also a sad state that I agree, agree, so, uh, I mean, it's very powerful to think about.

Speaker 1: 19:46

That was not as an ending, but as a beginning. So I think that's that's a message. So many men need to hear it right now. So, paul, thank you so much for joining us today and for sharing your wisdom and experience. And that was. Detox is truly a game changer and I know, like so many listeners will find hope and guidance in what you have shared. So, for all the listeners, if you or someone you know is going through a divorce, remember that you don't have to do it alone. Check out the diverse detox for a roadmap that can help you navigate this challenging time with clarity, confidence and even optimism. So, if you enjoyed today's conversation, do not forget to subscribe to Mind Over Masculinity and share this episode with someone who might need it, and let's keep these conversations going and support each other through the ups and downs of life. So, until next time, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and remember that it's okay to ask for help. So you have got this. So thank you so much.