#128 How to stop feeling like sh*t at work (and thrive!)

In today's episode I am going to share with you how to stop feeling like sh*t when you're at work with some not so usual tips that will help you feel better in the moment.

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Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast 

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Transcript

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00:00

Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you're here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again, I am having the human experience, it has been a crazy week. I was meant to film this last week because I usually am bout a week ahead of everyone. But sadly, my guinea pig, chewy passed away, you may have seen him on my stories we used to have to his other brother passed away, six months ago, it was seven years old. So it's like 90 In human years. And I was sad about it propelled me and my partner's first pets that we got together. On top of that I am about to go on, leave my corporate job, I am officially fully booked now as a coach. And I'm getting married in less than two weeks. So

00:57

there has been a whole heap and a whole range of emotions that I am processing, which is the theme of today's episode.

01:07

Which if you saw the title, you're probably looking at it like please give me some stuff here. And it's going to be good, it's gonna help you reframe your mind here, again, I'm just kind of still coming up with the title. But what I'm thinking about is like how to not feel like shit at work. Like, sometimes we are just in the absolute thick of it, whether we have personal stuff going on, whether we're upset with projects not going well. And we have such a range of emotions that we're feeling. And I want to show you how you can kind of step out of that and be more observing of how you're feeling. And you might be thinking, okay, so what you're going to feel a ton like a fuck ton better because of that, because I really could have been 1000 times worse last week. And I really was coming from more of a neutral calmer state, and giving myself a lot of self compassion for the range of emotions and how I was feeling and also like my autoimmune condition flaring up randomly because of some of the stress that I was feeling, and being able to get through it in a much cleaner state. As always, if you are interested in my amazing epic Work and Life Program, which is going to help you absolutely love your career, at the end of six weeks working with me one on one where I get right in your brain, I help you get that promotion you want. Whilst you're still loving your job, sign up in my waitlist, I will be in the next few months sending out some notes around the new cohort that will be opening up but get on the waitlist. So you can be the first to hear about that. Funnily enough, when I work on my clients one on one, this is one of the topics that pops up around everything that's going on in their life and the drama that they are having at work it is how do I just feel more at ease more, you know, competent, or you know, happier just ease just general feeling of like betterness in general, and not taking everything to heart or so seriously, or really kind of ruminating and being in the thick of all these emotions. And I'm gonna give you some tips that are really going to help you get out of this the same ones that I have been using myself. And to set the scene a little bit. I think, look, we're all human, we all have shit going on in our lives. And even if we don't sometimes shit happens at work. There's a project you're working on that you're leading, it doesn't go to plan, it doesn't go right. You may have some blame around that you might be blaming other people, you are feeling really upset over it, you're coming home, you're learning to your partner, you're like start to then kind of go down a spiral, think about how she could job is you might be looking on LinkedIn thinking about maybe I should just go get a new job and just not be here anymore. And this job sucks. And you start to just

03:44

like you in the thick of it, you are in the shit. Like you're like, I don't want to feel like this. And for a lot of you, you are blaming the job. And a lot of you or some of you that are new, that are listening to this are probably like, it is the job. I would say to that listen to this episode, and then check out my really early episodes, you should just listen to this whole thing because it's great if you especially who work in corporate, listen to the whole thing. My first app just 232 to three episodes go through this in more detail.

04:14

But it's normal, honor percent. But the problem is we make it worse. We are always making it worse. If you especially you're coming home and you're ruminating and constantly thinking over it and replaying scenarios in your head and thinking of different scenarios, you are actually just re triggering that emotion within you your brain doesn't know the difference between what's real and not. And it's like you're replaying it like it's happening over and over again you start to feel more shit. So the first thing that you need to do in these situations is just accept you feel like shit. Seriously, this is the biggest one. This is what like kept me sane last week. You do not accept these emotions, how you're feeling what you're thinking. Even if you're blaming yourself, other people doesn't matter. You cannot move on to the next step. You cannot feel better because it's the resist

05:00

Students to oh my god, I hate everything right now, that causes you to hate everything right now, it's this rush of, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be in a state, I don't be feeling this way I want to be happy, etc. When you resist a feeling negative especially, you just keep it there longer. You keep it there even longer it sticks with you, you make it even worse. So that how do you accept it, you just start observing what you're thinking and you're feeling, I don't want you to be running with it though and start ruminating with it. I strongly suggest that if you are starting to ruminate, to just kind of stop what you're doing. And then think about maybe a neutral or like best case scenario, as well. If you're gonna be ruminating and thinking of like the worst things and the best things that are happening, you might as well give it like, you know, give some airtime to the positive stuff that's happening as well. Again, your brain does not know the difference between what is real and what isn't real. You might know that, like your thinking brain like the prefrontal cortex, one that's like planning and doing all that stuff. But there's like other parts of your brain that do not know that is why dreams can feel so real, right? You might have a dream that like your partner cheats on you, and then you're mad at your partner, because it felt real to you. And it's the same thing here. So give that brain more airtime to positive things that are happening. The easiest way as well to feel your feelings and just be with it better or is just to be like, I'm gonna allow myself to feel like shit right now. I'm giving myself permission to feel like shit. And just notice all the physical sensations, how you're feeling, give it a fucking go and just see, all right, this is not a quick fix solution that you are going to get those quick fixes are not going to help you trust me, I've tried them. These are real solutions that actually work. And it is by observing and allowing yourself to feel like shit. And just notice how you feel during and afterwards, I Guaran fucking tee you you will feel just even a little bit better, because resistance just creates more negative emotion. That's tip number one. The second tip, you're gonna hate me. Well, actually, I kind of already talked about a little bit. One is the rumination when you ruminate, you make it worse, you reinforce it. Don't be doing that. How do you not do that? Because I know for a lot of you, it can feel like such a habit. And think about where it came from. If this is where you had to predict how other people were going to act, if you play different scenarios in your head to figure out, like, if I said this, or if I did this way, maybe it'd be different. That's your brain trying to think if I just think of like 30,000 different ways, maybe there'd be like a good one that I'll know for next time. That's never gonna happen, you're never gonna be able to change the past, you're never gonna be able to predict the future. That's just your brain's false sense of control. So think about neutral and best case scenario as well. When I started doing this, it was so gross. And I still especially the best case scenario, I find it a challenge. Because, look, the worst case scenario is juicy, like, let's face it, right? Like it is, you know, like, is more sauce to it, you know, like, it's, what's the word, there's more drama, like the drama is that or is the best case scenario. It's like, oh, and everything this happened. And this happened and everything progressed smoothly. And it was fine. Like, it feels weird. It's like, oh, it's like the nothing. There's no random twists or turns or anything like that. I will sometimes go into detail in my head. And I'm like, oh, and then this person says this, etc. But like, it's all positive. And it's interesting, because my brain is always like looking for that little piece of drama. And the more I'm doing it, the more I'm able to quickly kind of go into that mode of like, hey, maybe it will turn out like better. Right? You may have seen these Instagram posts, I see them all the time. It's like, but what if it does work out, you know what I mean? Like, which sounds so weird to me coming from a family that is constantly predicting the worst case scenario and it's just been ingrained in me and trained to do that.

08:49

Doing that over like my coaching journey and continuing to do that, it's it's really interesting to see how my brain will either struggle in some areas, or just be like, uh, maybe it does work out, and it will all be okay. And I can just let it go. And it's, it's interesting. That's a skill that you need to reinforce. Because again, really important, you ruminate, you make yourself feel even shut up. Because it's like, if you were thinking about that project that's failed 30,000 times and how your boss is mad at you, etc. You've just like, almost re traumatize yourself. 30 different 1000 ways. And again, your brain doesn't know any difference. It's why sometimes, if you dream about work, and you're dreaming about those types of scenarios, or you remember them or in the middle of the night, wake up and you're like, oh my god, your brain is like still hooked on that. And it's, you know, trying to process it, but it is freaking out about it. So it's dreaming about it. So all I'm saying is don't daydream about it. You don't need to. I'm not saying don't freak out. If you're having dreams about it. You can't control what's in your dreams and funny enough, our brains will process things throughout the day or compartmentalize them etc. It will kind of do its own cleaning, right? You do not need to be doing that in your conscious brain. You need to be letting go you need to be focusing on

10:00

On, okay, if you're gonna do it, allow yourself to do it, but I always go alright, Brian, I'll do this I'll pick and ruminate. And then I'm going to ruminate on neutral case. And then I'm going to ruminate on a best case scenario, and then I'm going to leave it and I'm going to maybe do something else for a little bit. I will also sometimes catch myself when I am going to do that, which is really important because I think what's the after effect of me ruminating on the negative and really getting into this? Am I going to feel worse after this experience? If so, I'm going to pull back and I'm going to go think and do something else, which can be a challenge at first, but it's really important, right? It's like, junk food. If I eat this doughnut, like I have an autoimmune condition, right? Is donot am I going to shit my pants? Or am I going to like, flare up my autoimmune condition? Even worse, like it is a choice here? Yes or no. And it's the same with your brain ruminating, don't be eating that like brain junk food as well. Look at the consequences are you going to have like, you know, emotional diarrhea, instead happening within you, if you decide to ruminate on the negative the third tip to not feeling shit, you're not going to like it. And I don't care, because you need if I can hear it as is really important. If you're a regular listener, you will totally get what I mean right now, no one else can control how you feel. Alright, other people cannot make you feel a certain way you are choosing to feel this way. Whether it's unintentional, and you don't mean to, you are still choosing to feel this way. Let's take the example with the project that is completely fucked up. You are going home you are berating yourself and or you are like, again, internally like lashing out on other people. This is coming from a place of self blame, this is coming from you, this is coming from inside the house, especially if you are then going to ruminate on it and make these feelings even worse. It is a reaction to something that is happening externally outside you. Now I'm not saying there's something wrong with you because of that is very, very normal, and how we've been taught in society is things happen. And they cause you to feel a certain way. And then you're thinking all these things. And the opposite is completely true. You can choose how to treat or react to certain things. And it takes time, and you got to train up to it right. And it doesn't mean every time shit hits the fan, that you're going to feel calm every single time it happens. But you can start to realize, like when you're feeling completely shit at work, where am I making this worse for myself, you have the power to determine how you are feeling in this moment. Not other people, okay, other people are doing their own shit, you are having thoughts about it, like they suck, oh my god, this is delayed, whatever that is related to a fucking subconscious thought that is always related to you. Okay, I've been doing this for a long time. It's always going to be related to you somehow, this thought, even when you're like, oh my god, looking at something else that's happening, right? It makes you feel like shit or depressed or angry and you do stuff from that place. And then you just reinforce the thoughts and your worldview around you. Okay? This is powerful when you can realize that I can shift how I feel in reaction to certain things. Because when it does happen, like I'm a humanist still happens to me, right? I can be like, hang on a minute. Doesn't matter how angry I am at anyone right now. I'm choosing to stay in this anger, choosing to stay in this emotion. I'm choosing to continue to react this way. Okay, I make that decision. And I make that choice. However, it always starts with self acceptance, self acceptance of the feeling was really important. And then being able to shift and look at okay, but how do I want to start showing up for myself? How do I want to start showing up for this immersion? If you're really angry? Do you want to give yourself Self Compassion? Right? Do you then want to look moving forward and be like, okay, when shit hits the fan? Do I want to be freaking the eff out and blaming myself or do I want to again, be self compassionate, and kind of leaning into like, more positive energy, things are going to work out more problem solving, etc. When my clients are angry at someone else or something has happened or it's like the blame on someone else, it's always leads back to something to do with them. It's something around like not feeling valued, or them not valuing themselves, their worth their capability. It's like, I have to make sure this project goes to plan and control everyone else and everything is happening around it. Otherwise my boss will be mad at me, but it's like, okay, why does it matter if your boss is mad at you, if your boss is mad at you, then you will take that home you will break yourself you will get angry at you. It always relates to how you are treating yourself. You can choose how to treat yourself. You can choose how to show up. Doesn't matter if people were liking losing their shit at you. You can be the block you can be the wall you don't have to take their emotions or thoughts on you can be like No, I did the best I could.

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I'm going to show myself self compassion right now. And I'm going to continue moving forward that

15:00

is security within yourself? That is growth and guess what those types of results are like, like actions the results are going to give you, you were showing up just naturally in a calm state, you're not making these things mean something inherently about you and a reflection on like, your worth value, etc. You show up better because there's like, no more pressure anymore. So all right, what do we need to do to figure this out, you become a problem solver. Seriously, when I teach this to my clients, in more depth, in my actual eight step program for my epic working life program, I cannot get over the results they get in their corporate world, they just like, are like a completely different person. Because they're not having all this judgment, they're not triggering their fight or flight response or stress response that gets you out of like thinking brain, which is what you need for your corporate job. They're showing up so pragmatically, and then managers are noticing, and they're getting like bigger, better projects, but they're also getting noticed within the business. And they're getting promoted. And it's crazy. Because of that mindset shift. It's kind of like an an ego drop, I would say, and this isn't a bad thing. We're all fucking ego driven, right? We really are like, and that kept us going and kept us surviving. It just doesn't work in the corporate world. Like, I totally get it now when I see job ads and like sometimes, which I get some people are a bit like, Why the hell would they say this, but it's like, you know, can deal with like, stressful scenarios, right? Before used to be like, why should it be so stressful? Like, that's terrible. Now, as a coach, I understand that it's such a deeper level, because when I hear dealing with stressful scenarios, what I actually it's not that like you should avoid stress, or that project should go and and perfectly. It's when shit hits the fan. How do you show up? Do you show up freaking the fuck out blaming other people blaming yourself not knowing what to do, and like not being able to pragmatically think about it. Or you are separating your worth and self from it. And you're showing up with a pragmatic mind being like, right, this has happened, you're openly like talking to your boss or whatever, and stakeholders being like, you know, ABCD happened, this is what we need to do from there, etc. That's what I mean, you're not reacting to the stressful scenario, you're not taking it on, you're just taking it as it comes, you're letting it go. Which, if you listen to my earlier episodes from this year, is something that I've also working on as well, letting things go, shit sometimes happens, I have done so much work to get to this point. And I realized I'm at this point, I feel really good. And it's like, oh, I have so much more work to do. I have so much more like letting go and actually being positive about like, yeah, like, hopefully, like things are gonna work out because I still have so much evidence as to why things might not work out. And I should be thinking about so and so. And it's not that I don't want to let that way of thinking there are aspects of that way of thinking that are helpful that actually helped me avoid major blunders on a project, but I want to still come in with an energy of positivity and like things are gonna work out because I realized I'm just gonna consistently see evidence as to why I need to be in this hyper vigilant state. And I didn't even funnily enough, realize I was in this hyper vigilant, like, still in a hyper vigilant state, until my coach pointed it out and was like, you still have work to do. Like, this is the state you want to get to where you are hopeful and you are like truly neutral to things that are coming in. And I'm like, fuck yeah, I do. And then I want to teach you how to do that as well. So come along with me on the journey. Anyway, that's all that I have for today. I hope that's going to help you today make you feel less shit. And if you are, maybe you found this podcast because you search for something and you're in the absolute thick of it. I want you to know, seriously listen to my earlier episodes, listen to the one about my story, because my God, it will be hope for you. Okay, years ago, I was not in a good place. I was about to quit my corporate job. I ended up getting promoted two times in under a year in the same job. There is hope. I guarantee you you can do it. You are fucking stronger than you think. Please go listen to those earlier episodes and my story, and I wish you the best of luck. I know you can do it. Alright. See you later everyone.