In today's episode I am going to tell you how to stop needing external validation all the time at work stopping you from truly enjoying your job. I share one tip that is going to show you how to stop that
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Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast
In today's episode I am going to tell you how to stop needing external validation all the time at work stopping you from truly enjoying your job. I share one tip that is going to show you how to stop that
Get on the waitlist here for my Epic Work & Life Program.
A 6 month transformational program for high achieving corporate women like YOU that wants to ENJOY going after their big career goals AND have an even more fantastic life.
Sign up to my mailing list for free workbooks to help you love your job again!
Follow me on:
Instagram
TikTok
Facebook
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast
00:00
Hello, everyone, I hope you're well and if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again, it is a very, very rainy day in Sydney, it is also about to be Mother's Day as well tomorrow. So Happy Mother's Day from Australia to any of the moms listening out here and I am feeling a little bit tired I usually do when it is a little bit cloudy. And plus, my dog has been waking me up in the middle of the night to go out to the toilet but is not used to the doggie door and is deciding to use the carpet instead. Which is fine if it's a poop but not if it's
00:39
just like why are you doing this, if you don't know, we also have a second puppy, her name is Leia. She's pretty good actually with the doggie door but will accidentally make little mistakes inside. And then my older dog is thinking that that is now okay, as well. And I'm just like,
00:55
such as life,
00:57
I've just decided to be okay
01:01
with being mad about this and accept that, at the end of the year, I'm just gonna get someone to either clean the carpet just Yep, get all the crap out of it.
01:12
That's a little spiel from me. Also, I have been intermittent on social media, I will be writing an update about that I am just finding a much better balance in terms of my corporate job by being like about almost fully booked, I do have like one spot open and possibly a second spot opening up, I did say I was going to open up spots in May. And that's probably going to shift to June, just with lots of things going on. I'm in a new program for my autoimmune condition. Not that these are excuses. But what my partner was even saying to me is that like you just seem to just push and it looks like your body is kind of just realizing that, hey, we just want to live more of a full balanced life. And that's okay. And sometimes it's going to ebb and flow, you know. So I don't feel like unnecessarily I did a lot of coaching on this. And I'm giving up anything or more finding some balance that's going to work with me. And I'm just decided that I need to just mentally be like, right, I'm going to not post every single day on Instagram, but maybe two times a week, and you know, maybe some stories here or there and just find something that's a little bit more workable. Not that I don't absolutely enjoy this stuff. But it was really funny because I was I was coaching myself, it's like, I absolutely love video games, like I could play them 24/7. And yet, there is a video game I am playing at the moment boulders gate that, like it has taken me probably over a year to finish. And I'm okay with that. Like, I'm not like that as long as like I've already finished the game yet. I'm like, that's fine. I just like to do it. What I want to do it. Now obviously I do treat this like a business. So I want a little bit of routine around it. But I have zero drama around that. And I don't I'm not like oh my god, it's not a hobby anymore. I can letting go of it or anything like that. I'm just like, No, I'll just play it when I can. I kind of want some of that a little bit more in the business, not completely like that, I still definitely want some structure around it. But I'm started and I'm actually feeling a lot happier. If I feel like I'm finally finding a really good balance that's a lot more workable for me. And it's good because it has come from quite a few like years and months of coaching on this specific topic to be able to be at a place to be like, I'm going to slow down in these areas. And that's totally fine, and nothing has gone wrong. And I will continue to grow and help people. And we will continue to build up our capacity to do more as well. And it's totally fine to slow down a little bit speed up at certain parts and go from there. So I'm pretty proud that I've gotten to that point.
03:46
Yeah, anyway, that was just something that I wanted to share with you guys as well. So today, I actually I literally just came out of a call with a client and I brought a perfect idea, idea or topic that I want to talk about, it's really common to and I feel like I've briefly mentioned it before, but I haven't talked about it the way that I usually do. And that is
04:10
basically needing to get validation all the time. Like like almost like a validation vending machine. Like we need society to be or people or just needing to feel like I would actually call it needing to feel good enough which I have done a podcast episode on. By the way this client was talking about it as she is also you know, working full time but growing her business was she really feels as though she's like rushing and doing lots of things. So when we kind of fleshed it out the reason she was doing it and funny enough this is this is I feel like this is everyone who starts off with doing anything right when they're building something that they really really care about but still don't have the belief work yet in it while they're still building that up. You need a lot of external validation to know that are you making
05:00
the right choices, are you doing the right things? Is this the right thing. And that's what I wanted to talk about today. Because so much we can go into in our court and I'm going to obviously layer it with corporate, you know, give you the corporate spiel on it. Because I do coach like just context, I coach, you know, hygiene problem where I feel passionate about the job again. And some women I also coach have like, autoimmune, they come to me because they hear about my autoimmune conditions, but also they know what I'm doing, doing, you know, both two worlds, and they look to me, as well, as part of like my epic Work and Life program that's like, you know, as well, which is why it's all very customized. When you sign up with me, you have to fill out a really in depth questionnaire. So I can build something that's catered for you and your goals, but little spiel on that. So, validation. What is it? Well, it's that feeling or that recognition that we get for doing something, and I want to make this really clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting validation, I used to think that I should be doing like my coaching work and my business from like, the goodness of my heart and for humanity and stuff like that, and I shouldn't want, like, I shouldn't want people till I shouldn't have not even saying it right, shouldn't want others to want to give me like good feedback, like it had to be from this really clean, pure place, and I don't want it, that's why I just I really want to start off with that. Right? It is totally fine. And it's very normal, to want validation, to want to know that we are doing well at work that everything is enough that we're you know, ticking the boxes in terms of like, progress in our development, currently normal, and that's fine.
06:46
The problem is when it gets too extreme, which is I would say for a lot of you and that, by the way is completely normal as well. And I'm just gonna, you know, hit hit the nail around the head, it is usually coming from insecurity. Right? When you are wanting, is it a really great exercise for you just note in your working world? What is it that you want a lot of validation on, right? And then have a look at it could be, for example, how you do presentations, is that something that you really, like want to be good at sometimes wanting to be really good at something or the flip side, my clients did this I've done this many times, is when you kind of really believe it, but from a place of like, like, I know, I'm good at this. Like I know I'm good at presenting like I'm really really good. I know that sometimes that's a cover for actually, you not believing that you are good at this. Hence, you really therefore need this external validation for you to feel safe. And for you to believe that yes, I am good at presenting. And it's a two way street. Like, of course, when we do something and we get the evidence, whether it's from feedback from other people, or like just you know, don't Yeah, I guess that's what it is. Right? I'm giving the presentation is example, your presentation. Everyone's saying that was really, really good. It's not and you know, you keep receiving that. Yeah, it's like, you're going to build up enough evidence? Oh, you're gonna believe that? Well, it's two ways as well. You may also not believe that if you have other thoughts going on. But in a kind of standard scenario, you would just be like, Yeah, okay, I'm good at presenting, right. And you build that up. But a lot of the times, I would say that the world is mixed, like I have worked for managers who, for example, do not give regular validation, so to speak. That's not like a good job and stuff like that, which at the time, especially starting coming out from uni was a little bit jarring because I felt like I was doing something wrong. And I remember with my manager actually check with him and said, Hey, look, I just want to make really short and they were like, oh, firstly, they apologize. They're like, Hey, should have like, maybe you know, V because I was also asking for feedback should have set up a session, etc. But also they were like, Oh, I, if you're not hearing anything from me, like it means you're doing good job. I was like, oh, okay, let's just get to know that.
09:03
That's what I'm saying everyone's different. You're not going to necessarily always get from society or from people at work, the validation that you need. So why do you want it so much? Well, are there thoughts underneath all of this? Are there beliefs that you have about yourself? That you want to
09:20
need evidence to know that it's true for you to feel safe enough? Like what if you could just have never done a presentation before in your life, but just believe that you are good at presentations? Part of you might be like, well, how the hell am I supposed to know if I'm good and stuff like that? If you are just believing that you are like, not even, okay, actually good enough is a good word. Because sometimes people interpret that and they come to me and they're like, I don't want to be like overconfident I'm like no, no. Good enough as in with everything you know, to the best of your abilities as they are now. You are not at presenting. You'll probably do a much better job than if you are sitting there being like, Oh my god.
10:00
My fucking up, oh my god, okay, I just I really need to impress this person. And if this person says I'm really, really good, then it's great. And then that means I'll move up in my career, blah, blah, like all these spiraling thoughts, you'll always do better from a place where you just know that what you're doing is enough, because the problem is, we're not always going to get the validation that we need from externally from society, you don't know what type of boss you're going to have, you don't know what type of corporate environment you're going to be, even the culture will determine that I am really lucky to work. Here somewhere where like, there is a lot of, you could say, validation. And this is the culture that's kind of just been fostered. But I've also worked for companies where it literally was if you're not hearing anything, you're doing good. But if you're constantly relying on validation, it's just gonna lead you to be in a place of scarcity. What does that mean? Because I've said, this sometimes, really is just another word for anxiety, like you need it. And that's where I see a lot of my clients, they're like, Oh, I definitely need this in order to feel safe, and you know, doing good job. And it's just a reality of life, you're not always gonna get that you're not always gonna get your boss, your manager, other people telling you that you're doing a good job. So you should just be able to give that to yourself that you don't want to go in the extreme this. And I say that because I did this, I went to the extreme where I was like, no, no, no, I should just like, I shouldn't want and need any validation from anyone, and blah, blah, blah, and it's a bad thing. And that's probably because in the past, like years ago, and like before coaching, I used to really rely on validation, so that I went to the other extreme, and then my coach was saying to me, Michelle, it's totally human or normal to have validation, that's fine. If anything, I want you to normalize that, and really enjoy and be present with that validation. But you don't want to go like you're here, because you've been on the extreme end. So now you're going on the other extreme end, and that's not good either. And I was like, that's why I have a coach because I can't see my own blind spots. And that was really important for me, because then I was just like, okay, totally fine when I get it, and to an extent to seek it out. But when you're seeking it out, it's not necessarily to feel that anxious part, it's more, I want to look at feedback. So how I can kind of focus on certain development areas, that's not scarcity, that is from place of abundance that's from I am going off to bigger projects, I am pretty open about this, I'll say it again, I am still focused on my corporate career, I do want to become in the next stage a senior manager, I absolutely love working with people probably also while of the coaching and stuff, I want to manage a team and I want to, you know, be focusing on working like stakeholder relationships and stuff like that, like, you know, knowing where the weaknesses that I need to develop and grow, you know, all that type of stuff totally fine. That's a completely different place. That's not from me needing validation, that's me, wanting to know how to move forward. From there, it's a different energy. It's also not berating myself for not necessarily for being you could say, quote, unquote, weak in certain areas. I know I'm the very strong analytically, and some of my weak areas are the softer skills, and that's totally fine. I am just going to do what I need to do learn and put myself in certain whether it's working on certain projects, or work on certain things in a way that whilst it's kind of probably feel very uncomfortable, and like shit, sometimes. I know, through the outs out the other end, I'm going to have learnt and developed a lot in regards to that area and skill.
13:33
And see how like that an NG though, is completely different. Like, I'm almost accepting that, yeah, I'm not going to be good as some other people. That's fine. That's why we're working on it and developing it. And that's all good. And I'd assert necessarily need validation along the way. Yes, I want feedback. And I want understanding and just so I can do better. But I need validation that like yeah, you're doing it, it's a, it's a good job. Because I'm not necessarily insecure about it. I'm just accepting that this is an area of growth for me completely different. And this is what happens when you learn to accept that you not accept that you need to realize why you need to ask yourself, why do you need this validation?
14:15
Why do you need it so badly? Why do you need to know that? That's the first step because it will uncover so much insecurity you have, and I'm going to give you this metaphor, that is fantastic. My client was using as well in a different way. I decided to then I was like, Hey, I'm actually going to use this this one I use all the time because it's really simple. So I as you know, as you may know, I love 1950s Like style, and I love the dresses, I love floral patterns, okay. And that's not really I guess the style of today, but I don't really care. And that's that sort of criticism, but that's fine. People can wear what they want, right?
14:51
If someone came to me on the street or even at work and said to me, why are you wearing that? I think you know you should update your wardrobe like it's not the 50s Any
15:00
More, I actually don't think that looks very good, blah, blah, blah, I would have zero drama about it, I would think it's a bit weird that they're saying that sort of, you know, might maybe go into coach mode and be like, I'm just curious as to why you thought you could say that, like, no, no shame or anything like you can say what you want. But I am just curious, like, I would just be very curious, I don't know, maybe based off like how we interact in society where you would just be so open with that unless it was like a friend, because I've had friends be like, Hey, this looks great on you. But again, they're saying it totally differently, too. But that's a whole nother tangent. And the reason is, I could not give two shits, the person is thinking about what I'm wearing, I this is what I like to wear, and I'm going to wear it the end, that's fine. But if I was insecure, about needing to fit in, like maybe people won't think I'm professional, if I'm wearing a flower dress at work, and what if people judge me, if someone says that to me, or if I'm not getting validation of people being like, that's a really nice outfit. Guess what, that's an insecurity that you don't have. You don't need validation for things that you're secure about your knee validation for your pets, or even your own outfits and how you dress Potentially, it could be a thing for you, maybe it's not, but I'm just trying to pinpoint things. So the listener, things that you not worrying about maybe getting that coffee on your way to work or something or like you're just, you're okay about it. Usually, when we want and need validation and something, it's because we're a little bit insecure about it. And guess what, women have been conditioned to be insecure, and need constant like, God, I could do a whole tangent on this, we really have been conditioned to need validation externally. And what I mean by that is, at the end of the day is something really big that I have seen throughout all my clients, including myself that I work really hard on in my one on one program, you don't even realize until like you work with me how deep this is, is that we do not as women have enough trust in ourselves.
17:01
Let me say that, again, we as women do not have trust in ourselves, we are taught to put our trust in someone else, whether it's it can be super traditional here, your husband,
17:11
that beauty product, it's going to make you look beautiful, again,
17:15
even things like you know, more and more senior people. And it stops us from living a life where we may need to fail a bit to kind of figure ourselves out. Because we're constantly, that whole kind of lack of identity as well. Because if you're trying to shift yourself all the time to fit in with other people. And I actually do want to do an episode on this more specifically, there's a complete difference between fitting your person like changing who you are as a corp, versus being mindful of how you come across of all your executive presence, you could say, and how you work with stakeholders. And actually, I think there'll be a really, really good topic actually, let me know in the eyes a thing on Spotify now where you can mention stuff in the like podcast episode and what you think feel free to like just mention, hey, some of you guys do it through Instagram, totally fine as well. But like any topics that you want, just Instagram, tick tock, or even on the Spotify thing, I get a notification, you can just let me know I can do a topic like on this.
18:25
Yes, that is completely different. So and this is what I see with a lot of women why they need a lot of validation. Because if we're told you can't trust yourself, think about even simple decisions, like what to eat, or where you should go for a restaurant, and think about when you kind of know what you want. But then you don't want to be rude to the other person and stuff like that. So you just end up being like, oh, no, it's fine. But you kind of hinting what you want. And I say this because apparently, in the you know, stereotypically This is what women do. And then for me, my husband is singularly opposite. I grew up in a family, where it was my sister and mother, politely calling them out here, who were very much like this. And I as the eldest daughter could not stand that and am just very much like not okay, like what tell, just tell me what you want. So I'm doing my part, like, what do you want all the time to my partner, and he's trying to hint to me, and then I am just like, please tell me specifically, it's fine. You do not have to hint it to me, we can just do that thing. But I have typically always been the type of person that will just make the decision and be like, right, this is what we're going with and I could fail at it and that is totally fine.
19:37
But there are other things in other areas in my life where I've needed a lot of validation in order to feel comfortable in making that choice. And what I realized is, at the end of the day, you just need to make a choice. And when I'm coming back to validation, this is what I mean it stops you from living a more intentional life and here at work it stops you from Okay, are you going to make a mistake at work when maybe you make this fumble
20:00
At a
20:02
presentation or something like that, probably you're gonna fucking learn from it. But you keep thinking, Oh, no, I don't want to disappoint this person, or I don't want this person to say bad feedback. And it needs just be good feedback. You're not operating from a place of uniqueness, who you are, and you're not letting that part of you develop and come out. And this is why in my program, the epic working life program, what a lot of people find towards the end of it is they have this skill to, it's gonna sound so vague here, but like, be who they are. They have a sense of self. They know who they are. They know who they stand for. They know what their strengths and weaknesses are. They don't have drama about their weaknesses anymore. And it's insane how much their stakeholders and management and senior people are resonating with them. Because they are kind of building their brand, so to speak. They're not like everyone else, right? They're building their brand, have they, of course, fumbled through it yet. But guess what, every single time they've come to me, and like, oh, this happened, and I made this mistake, etc. And we've coached on it, they've come through the other end that the extreme thing that they thought was going to happen, didn't happen. And then they're able to like, you know, that they do something good. And then they they're able to take on that project, and then that thing ends up being like, you know, totally fine, and then they're getting that recognition. But that's because to an extent, they are taking risks. And they are not always seeking that validation, or validation is coming from within. And then our understanding that oh, wait is actually coming from deep rooted insecurities about myself and my worth, and who I am as a person. And I can let those go, I know where they are, those things are coming from, and how to work through them and how to deal with them. And that is a true Look, obviously, I do this podcast, this is going to always going to help you guys, right. But if you want that deeper, customized one on one support, like if you you know, I I'm just picking things, you know, from past clients, what they've given me, etc. You, I've had people message me and it's for things like they're hesitant to go after that promotion. And because they had a bad experience before and they took a step down. But everyone was telling them that they were doing really, really well. And then they're wondering whether they should do it or not. And then this part of them telling you to do it this part and then not do it again, self trust, all that type of stuff. Like, again, very unique, very, to your core needs to be done one on one in my six month program, which is the epic Work and Life program. I've shifted this so many times, but I have just decided that I will be opening things up in June, but get on link in the show notes to get on the waitlist for that one. Um, yeah, there's my little tangent that we've gone into basically, validation in your corporate job I want you to be looking at where's it that you need validation consistently? And I want you to ask yourself, are you insecure in this? Is it presenting? Is it needing people to lack you tell you that you're good at your job, I love people telling me it was good at my job. And guess what my route thought my absolute thought for every single thing that I do like this is the like prehistoric thought that is sitting there is I am not good enough. And that is something that is consistently playing out since like, I was a tiny top 100%. And I just need to consistently whenever I'm doing bigger goals, whether it's at work or at my business, just be telling myself that I am. This is enough. Michelle is enough. Michelle is more than enough. And sometimes I get a little lump in my throat when I say that, because there is a tiny person who didn't feel like she was getting that she didn't know that she was enough for this world. And she is enough. And you are enough, you are more than enough.
23:45
That is going to help you live a such better life instead of seeking out validation, which frankly, we're not always it's just a fact of life. Like here's the thing, right? Some people say, Oh, should I do this in relationships, right? You can do whatever the fuck you want, right? Like you can decide, no, I'm going to validation for my partner or you can decide to meet yourself halfway and have a talk about it. Personally, I like it when my partner put on a nice dress, and my partner tells me you look really nice. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. And sometimes I tell them, sometimes I'm like, I get my hair done, I get my nails done. And I would like you to say a few things. That's fine. We just want to know when it's being excessive, right? And that's in any area of our life, but especially in the corporate world, right? That is a completely different type of relationship to like your one on one partner relationship, right? You aren't just you're not gonna get it. It's just you're going to work for different corporations, different people and you need to know how to navigate and you should be able to feel like you are enough and you should be able to appreciate when you do get that validation as well. Because of letting go of this means you're going to be able to build your own brand and build who you are as a person. Know who you're stand for within your world within your industry and start to shine brighter versus hoping people are telling you that you're doing enough.
25:00
That is all I have for the day I will see you next week